Bachelorette Recap: Do Cry for Me Argentina (if you’re Derek)

This week takes us to Buenos Aires, which is filled with many men wearing berets.BA tourism must be paying ABC hardcore. They cannot stop raving about how they will find love in Paris, it’s the most romantic place, blah blah blah. Move over Paris.
Chris welcomes the boys and tells them there is another two on one this week and everyone is worked up. Apparently this is the first time they’ve ever had two two-on-ones in one season? Then the boys walk through BA in the most ridiculous get ups. Luke is wearing cammo joggers, Jordan is in leggings, Robby is in a black v-neck and a black blazer and 80’s jeans.Where do these guys shop? Als, ALex is a good foot shorter than the rest of these dudes. He looks like a little kid. bachelorette in buenos aires
One-On-One: Besame! Besame Muchacho!
Wells gets the one on one date. His hair is bad, girls. Real bad. He admits he’s the only guy who hasn’t kissed her yet. Oh geez, Wells changed into a ridic leather moto jacket for his date. When JoJo picks him up Luke goes “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” . Guy, you’re 30+. Let’s get over it.Wells looks nervous .145
These two walk through BA and then participate in some sort of performance art that I do not understand. But Wells gets to wear spandex leggings so that’s cool. Finally these two kiss and JoJo celebrates with “That was the moment Wells! We did it!” She’s the best. wells kissing jojo
We learn about Wells’ last relationship, which he sweats through. JoJo is actually sweating too. They are all alone in a giant mansion–couldn’t they get like a fan in there or something? Maybe open a window? They seem to have a decent connection but she is nervous that he seems skeptical about love and finding long term passion. She lets him down with a “there is something that was not 100% what I want it to be” and almost starts crying. Then he does?! Breaking up with people left and right would be THE. WORST.
Group Date: Living La Vida Boca 
Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex are on this adventure, which means Derrick and Chase are on the two-on-one. Chase turns into a d-bag and says “Derrick has nothing over me”. These fools hang with JoJo on a Sunday afternoon exploring a neighborhood. Oh my gosh you guys, poor James! He says he feels like he stumbled onto a set because he’s not a sexy dude. They stop for a soccer match and somehow JoJo is able to wrangle up some sneakers despite the fact that she was rocking heeled boots the rest of the date. They do a penalty kick off for a kiss with JoJo and HOORAY! James wins and gives her the teeniest little peck. JAMES! Lay one on her.jojo playing soccer in buenos aires
Luke and JoJo are wearing matching black leather moto jackets. I have not seen ONE man wearing these jackets in real life. ? I’m not going to summarize what these two yahoos are talking about but they are obsessed with each other and she cannot keep her hands off him. “We have that physical connection down”. No shit. Watching these two kiss in slo-mo with sound effects makes me want to puke. My phone autocorrected puke to Luke, which is appropriate.
James has his one-on-one time with JoJo and as if he has never seen the show before, spends his time with her talking about someone else. YOU GUYS!! This will get you sent home. James doesn’t even articulate well why Jordan isn’t good for her either, which is just useless. They kiss and it has about 1/10th the passion of what she has with Luke.
JoJo pulls Jordan aside (side note, he is also wearing a leather moto jacket) and calls him out on the altercation between him and James. JoJo, this is a bad move too. You could have brought this up more delicately than “James just told me…”. She then gets distracted by that mane and begins running her fingers through it. jordan's poofy hair on bacheloretteJordan is pissed and calls James out while everyone else is sitting there. It’s awkward.143 Luke and his loud kissing and gropey hands get the rose.
Two on One Date: It Takes Two 
These are the worst for all involved, including the audience. Made even worse is the fact that they have to do a three person tango with the most boobalicious instructor of all time.jojo tango with chase and derek
Derrick rubs me the wrong way. He tells her he’s falling in love with her and she responds with “I appreciate that”. MmmmHmmm. I can hear these two kissing. Gross. Gah-ross. Jojo’s dress has half a foot of net on the bottom. Like a nylon.
Seems like she isn’t feeling it with Chase. Or rather, she feels like he isn’t feeling it. But she tells him that she understands how he feels because she was there and she wishes she had told Ben earlier. So Chase gives it a whirl. And Derrick goes home while JoJo cries on the sidewalk for one minute before she slow dances in an empty room while giggling with Chase. jojo and chase don't cry for me argentina  Derrick leaves us with talking in the third person. “Derrick is imperfect”. The scenes of Derrick crying while some woman we have never heard of sings “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” is some of the producers best work.
Rose Ceremony
JoJo shows up in a pretty dramatic gown for a rose ceremony. As a reminder, Chase and Luke are safe. Tim walks in while I’m watching and sees Alex and is like “UGH. He’s still here?” My sentiments exactly. What the nuts is he wearing? Does he have no neck? A super big collar?
Jordan totally redeems himself and says he wants to “do life with her”. Alex is mad he hasn’t had a one-on-one but tries to play it cool. We then hear them kiss. ENOUGH! James needs to work on his self-esteem. Girls do not like boys who are constantly putting themselves down James (“there are guys here who make more cash, there are guys here who are better looking, heck, there are guys here that are probably smarter”). Ok, we get it.
JoJo goes out to have a pep talk with Chris Harrison. She comes back in and gives the first rose to Robby (that hair is like a manicured wave) and the second to Jordan. JoJo looks like she is going to throw up and then leaves the room. Side note: this episode has made me want to get a navy mani real bad. JoJo tells C. H., “I don’t want to give this rose out” and hands the rose to him. Does this mean she wants both guys? Doesn’t want either guy? She tells the fellas she couldn’t hand out that final rose and then good ol’ Chris marches in with two roses. Oh Bachelorette, you’re full of twists.harrison delivering jojo 2 roses
James is super grateful for the rose. Alex thinks it’s a pity rose. Guys, I would not pick ANY of these dudes for my husband. Or maybe even my boyfriend. It’s a lame crew for what may be my fave Bachelorette (except for maybe Jillian).

Bachelorette Recap:Alex is the New Enemy

As a reminder, JoJo dumps Chad in the woods and walks off into the sunset with Lord Farkwad. The boys pop champagne and legit new year poppers to celebrate the news, while Chad marches through the woods to go find Alex. chad scraping door

The boys gather to “honor arguably the worst person anybody has ever met” by spreading his protein powder ‘ashes’. Meanwhile Chad whistles his way through the forest back to the house where the boys are all staying. The boys all gather around and have a pointless conversation with him in which nothing is resolved and then Chad walks away into the wilderness. The boys then celebrate Alex upon his arrival home by carrying hi on their shoulders and smashing him in the face with cupcakes. cake in chad's face

Cocktail Party Time!

JoJo shows up rocking a dress that looks like a molting seagull but in a hot way. Chase says he and JoJo have “instant comfortability” with one another. That’s not a  word Chase. Robby reminds me of Scott Disick- a suit and tie with no socks, gross.

One of the guys, I have no idea who, says that he wrote her a poem a few weeks ago that he has been carrying it around with him in his pocket: Her heart is like a treasure, her dream is not far away. And whenever she decides to hand someone the key, that man should let her know and daily help her see, the wonder that is her, the beauty that is she. Yuck. She sits there with a creeped out look on her face until Alex shows up to chat with her. Luke also takes time with her, which really isn’t fair. If you have a rose, back off dudes. Also, his forehead is so small or something? These two really like one another but I am not feeling him. Jordan takes her around the corner and pretty much throws her up against the wall. Yowza. She eats him and that terrible hair right up. jordan kissing JoJo against wall

Rose Ceremony Safe this week: Derrick (Tim calls him a cheesedick), Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny (seriously? he’s wearing a chartreuse shirt), James T. She gives the final rose to EVAN!! She sends the Canadian and the poet home. Was the poet the boxing club owner?

On to Uruguay! 

The boys are staying at The Grand Hotel which, according to Evan, has a 360* view of the ocean. So…are you in the ocean? Is this an island? Jordan gets the first one-on-one date, and as soon as he leave everyone starts talking a lot of shit about him. They go on a boat out to seal island where  they whip on some wetsuits and jump in some nasty water.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the boys are reading gossip mags with tell alls from her ex-boyfriend. Luke, Derrick, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells and Alex get the group date but now they’re all down on JoJo and don’t think she’s there for the right reasons.

Back at the date, JoJo shares that she met one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends. He gets super awkward, takes a big sip of his drink and says “I don’t even know what to say”. She straight out asks if he cheated and he denied it, but he knows the kind of man he is and has learned his lesson. Could you guys imagine having this conversation on your first real date? Sidenote: I really like JoJo-she’s so real. She gives Jordan the rose and I really hope he doesn’t break her heart. I also hope he stops wearing leggings.

Poor girlfriend is chatting about her great day, and the producer shows her the article. It’s not a good scene. FYI, guys, this is her ex-boyfriend Chad. So apparently she has a thing for pompadours. He looks like such a d-bag. JoJo walks in to address the article with the boys and they all now fully trust her. Quick turnaround boys. Also, I think maybe Vinny is growing on me?

Group Date: Sand Surfing! 

So far the weather in Uruguay is unimpressive.And sand surfing doesn’t seem to be anything I’m interested in doing. Also, have you noticed that the boy dates get to do fun activities and on The Bachelor the girls have to do dumb stuff like pose naked for pet calendars or get their sweat bottled up for phermones?

Oh my god, Derrick has a bead of sweat on his forehead while talking to her. Get it together  guy. Alex has decided that Derrick is the bad guy, disingenuous, and doesn’t have enough self-confidence for JoJo (actually he calls him ‘an insecure little bitch’), which of course makes me dislike Alex. JoJo gives the rose to Derrick who “needs reassurance”.

Also, every single guy is wearing tight pants, a v-neck t-shirt and a blazer. Is this a look? What happened to a nice pretty button down?

One-on-One with Robby! 

Honestly, if this was my entire date I would have been happy.

These two knucklheads have a fun day exploring Punta Del Este (?) and eating one bite of their arepas. They decide to leap of a cliff into the water, and Robby’s swim trunks are my fave. I also love that these two are wearing aquasocks. Nothing sexier. 

Robby tells us (JoJo) that his best friend died last year in an insanely tragic way. It forced Robby to re-examine his life and he then quit his job, moved cities and ended his relationship of three years. Robby tells her he’s in love with her and she said, “Thank you so much.” Eeeeeee! But he does get the rose, and they go for a stroll, leaving two delicious steaks and a lame, undressed sitting uneaten on a plate. I will say, this date makes me like Robby much more. Robby, are you my sleeper?

Cocktail Party Rose Ceremony

Derrick pulls Jordan, Robby, Alex and Chase outside to tell them he felt targeted and that they are like a high school clique. The guys are worked up about it. Everyone just focus on yourselves. Grant wants to stay above the drama. Give me more Grant!

Chris Harrison marches in and tells the guys that JoJo has made her mind up, there is no cocktail party tonight and three guys are going home. Alex just keeps calling people “little bitches” and now he is my least favorite person on the show. Someone on twitter called Alex the Regina George of the season. Genius. 

JoJo struts in to the rose ceremony and Tim and I both went “whoa”. That green dress is SMOKING. green dress

Safe tonight: Luke, Chase, Alex (BOOOOOO!!), James and Wells. Going home are Grant, Vinny and Evan. All white dudes from here on out! Evan felt like this was “daggers through the heart”. I feel like he has some low self-esteem. Poor Grant is both hurt and confused. Vinny and his aqua tie are sad but he tries to keep it together.

Next Week: Buenos Aires

Bachelorette Recap: Villains Gotta Vil Round 2

Before we head into this recap, someone turned the below ridiculousness into a gif and I can’t stop laughing at it:
We kick this episode off with a pool party in lieu of a cocktail party, which seems way more fun for everyone. JoJo is in loooooorve with Jordan. She is wrapped around him like a blanket. But she also kisses Robby? I don’t see it. 
She gets some time with Chad who attempts to explain his, “Seriously? You’re vibing this guy?” by saying that if she likes Evan, there is no way she can like him. Which, yeah. Alex wastes his time with JoJo talking about Chad. She also kisses Derrick after he shares his take on Chad, which I honestly don’t get. Like, you can’t have chemistry with ALL these guys?Chad approaches Derick after and asks why he keeps talking shit about him. Derrick handled himself quite nicely, actually. I really didn’t pay attention to anything they said because i was distracted by their necklace microphones. 
Remember that James Taylor, Evan and Chase are safe heading into this rose ceremony. Safe this time: Grant (rockin’ the suspenders), Derrick, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny (really? Still?), Daniel, Alex. It’s between Nick, Ari, Christian and Chad. Obviously the producers will not let Chad go home. Sorry boys. Also, goodbye all other non-white guys! Grant, you’re the sole survivor!
Pack Your Bags! You’re going to a random ass town in Pennsylvania!  Evan says the place they’re staying is “manly and rugged” and he “feels really comfortable”. Dude, I think not.
Luke Gets the First One-on-One: I Like You Very Mush
Dog sledding! My head would 100% explode on this date. I might like it more than swimming with pigs. What is Luke wearing? Skinny jeans and a leather moto jacket? Basically what I would wear out on a date. JoJo jumps in the tub and yells, “Oh F*CK!” because it’s hot as hell. Luke has to hold her over it and lower her in like a baby. Something about Luke is off to me. Is it the deep-set eyes? The pointy forehead? He seems a little slow. Their conversation was boring as hell. 
Back at the house the following boys get called for a group date: Derrick, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. Alex and Chad did not get called, which automatically means two-on-one date. So much testosterone on that date.Did you guys notice that Alex is 26 now? In last night’s episode he was 25. Did he have a birthday on the show?
Luke & JoJo go to an empty restaurant in a potentially abandoned town. We learn Luke’s story. That he was recruited from Texas to play football at West Point, which he calls Ivy League, which it’s not. Then he headed to Afghanistan and he lost a buddy. “I live for the things in life that make the hair stand up on the back of your neck…moments like this, when I’m looking into your eyes, and know that your eyes are the eyes I could be looking into for the rest of my life.” Yuck. JoJo eats this up. Which is the only thing she eats because the pasta is sitting untouched on her plate. He gets the rose and then she brings him into a theater full of people who are cheering for them and they have to stand on a stage and be serenaded by some other random band no one has ever heard of. At least now we know where everyone in the town was hiding.
We. Could. Go. All. The. Way.
This group date kicks off in Pittsburgh where JoJo takes the boys to Heinz Field. They are greeted by serial rapist, Ben Roethlisberger. Oh abc. This is a new low. Could you maybe not have featured him so prominently? Especially in light of the Stanford rape factoring so prominently in the news this week. And JoJo, I’m really disappointed you went along with this. Ben asks JoJo who her faves are she throws out Chase, James Taylor, Jordan. Then she says Evan, which, let’s be serious. If Roethlisberger tried to hug me, I would kick him in his nuts so hard. These guys go bonkers while rapey raper-face eats snacks from the stand.
James Taylor gets knocked in the face really hard, needs stitches, but goes back on the field anyway for his girl. Awww. Heinz throws down the challenge. They’re going to play a game. Winner gets to spend the night with JoJo and the losers have to go home.
You guys, Evan is gay right? I mean, no straight man would wear the sweat band over his bangs like that. I feel like the blue team is at an advantage with a former pro quarterback. Evan gets a bloody nose for the second time this season. Team Blue somehow eeks out a win and dumps ice on their coach. Team White heads home licking their wounds. Ostensibly Robby is attractive, but I just do not see it. Also, his hair is ridic. That night JoJo kisses Derrick again. Kisses James T. Kisses Jordan. Girlfriend is a real make-out bandit! But she gives the rose to Jordan.
Two-on-One: Let’s Get Lost!
The date card arrives while all the dudes are sitting cheek to cheek on the couch. Everyone gets real riled up, with Chad yelling at both Alex and Grant threatening them to fight. This guy is asking for it. Chad is such a creeper—he is constantly hovering at the edge of conversations. And then he goes after Jordan:  “When this ends, you’ll go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house?” Then every single dude sits on the couch in silence with Chad hanging in the back. Can’t they get another couch for these guys? FullSizeRender (7)
These two yahoos get on a helicopter for the date and Alex is legit dressed for battle. They go for a hike and then sit three in a row on a rock. These two on one dates are the absolute worst. Alex spends his time talking about Chad, which is so boring. JoJo confronts Chad who really can’t say anything about his actions except for “I haven’t touched anyone” and she then tries to explain away his behavior with the fact that his mom passed away six months ago. Chad comes back to Alex and says, “It’s just unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.” This devolves into a conversation about milk being delicious. Chad, just punch someone and get over it.
JoJo point blank asks Chad if he has threatened people in the house. He responds, “It’s not 100% false.” Probably not what she wanted to hear. She tells him that she doesn’t want someone who is physically violent and can’t get along with others and gives the rose to Alex. Chad marches off and the boys are rejoice when Chad’s bag is taken home with shots of fireball.
abc leaves us with Chad having a total meltdown in the woods. “She’s either an actress or she’s a complete BEEEEEEEEEEPP!” Chad then marches in the dark through the woods and finds his way back to the house. Lets all recall that they took a helicopter to this date, but he hiked home in the dark, whistling all the way. TO BE CONTINUED (again)…

 

Bachelorette Recap: Torsos Everywhere

You’ll notice there is no recap for episode two. That’s because I didn’t watch it, didn’t record it and it’s not on On Demand. Sorry folks. Maybe some day I will go back and recap that, but dear Lord in heaven, there are four hours of The Bachelorette this week and I don’t have enough time in the day two watch two more.
To whoever TP’ed the Bachelor mansion. Well done you.
Oh my God, somehow both Chad and Evan have made the cut! Evan is wearing a hideous tank top. If you’re going to rock the facial hair and that haircut please don’t wear a tank top. Wait, VINNY is still here? What is going on?! Who is driving this bus?
Chris Harrison delivers the first one-on-one date and it goes to Chase who I don’t really even remember from episode one. They make Chris Harrison clean up the TP job. Delightful! Chris is a good sport.
One-on-One: Let’s Get Physical
Hemaaalaaaayaaa greets these two by sharing that this won’t be a traditional yoga class, it will be an intimate yoga class and then very scriptedly asks them how long they’ve been intimate. As if  Hemaaaaaaaaaaalllllaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaa has never seen The Bachelor. You guys, is this a joke? I have done a lot of yoga in my life and have seen this sort of yoga before in my life with the “heys” and the tantrums. Just go to Core Power Yoga you freaks.
Cut to Daniel and Chad lifting at the house. Chad’s veins are popping out of his skin. Daniel is really into showing off his butt.chad and daniel working out
Back to JoJo. Does she have a permanent snapchat filter on her face? No one in real world  has skin like this! Hemaaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa brings in her intimate partner who is wearing underpants. She is making JoJo sit in Chase’s  lap with their faces one inch apart. JoJo seems INTO IT and then they start making out. Later on they have lame talks while sitting on a couch. Is there even a pretense that they’re eating meals this season? These conversations are so unnatural. Could you imagine if you were on your first date and started talking about getting engaged? I would run for the hills. Long story short, Chase gets a rose and says “I want to be a part of her world”.
Then these two walk outside to listen to a private concert from Charles Kelly (WHO?). For all you who are new to the Bachelor(ette) series, every season they force the couples to be the audience for a private concert and are forced to awkwardly dance. It’s always my least favorite date.
Group Date!
Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ari, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex and Chad are invited on this bad boy. James says he wishes he was on the date and Chad responds he doesn’t even want to go. Jordan calls him out and is basically like, “You do realize you are on The Bachelor, right?” The boys then tell him to cross his name off the date if he feels that way. For no reason whatsoever, Jordan comes out with: “Whatever team Chad’s on, lets hope it’s a bench press competition, not a spelling contest.” This really fires Chadup  and he tells Jordan he’s a failed football player that hasn’t done anything with his life. Then there is a lot of “Try me bro” with Alex and bunch of nervous laughter in the back.
JoJo brings the guys to some sort of improv show about orgasms called Sex Talks. These boys then have to get up on stage to share their sex stories with strangers. Evan is excited because he’s, you know, he’s an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. Daniel wants to talk about poop. Chad thinks sex should be private and JoJo hasn’t earned the right to hear this yet. Grant, who looks way better in skinny jeans than me, tells a cute little story about losing his virginity in a sleeping bag in a park and getting caught by the cops.  Vinny tells a story about his mom walking in on him masturbating, Daniel’s story involves him tying up a girl and chopping her hair off with a knife he carries with him when he travels (for some reason people are laughing?), Wells tells a story about a farting threesome I think?  Evan nervously tells a story about Chad taking steroids and it’s effect on erections and when Evan comes back up, Chad basically rips his shirt off. JChad then brings JoJo up on stage and say, “I don’ think its about the past, its about the future” and tries to kiss her. She straight out gives him the cheek. DENIED! 
Chad apparently punches a wall about this whole situation and says “if he can’t lift weights, I’m going to murder someone”. Even Daniel takes Evan’s side. I fear that Chad is going to actually injure someone on this show.
Jordan and his flopsy hair are chatting with JoJo and sharing that they have only been in one serious relationship in their (collective) life. Girlfriend loves her a Rogers. Alex says he’s “ride or die” which means that I would immediately send him home. Chad interrupts JoJo and Nick (?) and girlfriend was like, “Um, he just sat down” which means “I do not want to spend time with you.” You guys, Evan is ballsy! He approached Chad again and said he needs an apology. Chad responds that he is “bullied” by Evan. Um?? Chad then hovers over every single guy’s one-on-one time with JoJo and judges everything every single one of them says. JoJo is trying to figure this guy out. Basically she is attracted to him and doesn’t want to believe he’s a total dickhead. Evan approaches JoJo and tells her, “It’s either him or me”, which, let’s be serious Evan, you’re not really in a position to deliver such ultimatums. And I have just figured out who Evan reminds me of: George McFly.
JoJo tells him she can’t make a decision like that, asks him to accept the rose. Also, he has kids? JoJo comes back and shares why she picked Evan. He explodes with, “are you joking? Is this serious? You’re actually vibing this dude” which is the second time he’s used “vibing” in as many episodes. She tells him he’s disrespectful. I cannot imagine he will make it through this episode after this behavior, but I’ve been wrong before.
Oh shit, you guys, they got a security guard to watch over Chad. Hilarious.Also, how many guys are in this room? 
James Taylor, our little singer-songwriter gets the next one-on-on-date, kicking it old school. She looks adorable. These two have a fun little dance lesson with the sweetest old lady I ever did see. Poor James has two left feet. He’s goofy, but seems like such a fun guy! I don’t think he’s going to make it in the long run—not edgy enough for our gal. James tells us a sob story about how he doesn’t think he’s attractive enough for a gal like her, so obviously she has to give him the rose otherwise she’d look like a real a-hole. Hooray for James’ self-esteem! I’d like to note that my husband plays the guitar and has never once written a song for me in 8 years together and James has written one for JoJo after two weeks. James: 1 Tim: 0 These two kiss, which is surprising to me. I’m not really seeing her interest but what do I know. 
Daniel has a heart to heart with Chad and tells him to take him down a notch. His concern is that he’s bringing him down by hanging out with him.  “Let’s pretend your Hitler. Don’t be so much like Hitler, be more like Mousselini. Or Bush.” During this whole conversation, Chad is noshing on a sweet potato like its an apple or something. 
Chris Harrison swings by to share with the boys that there will not be a cocktail party tonight—straight to the rose ceremony fellas! The good news is that she wants an all day pool party. Evan then pulls Chris aside and tells him what has happened (as if he didn’t know). Evan, no one likes a tattle tale! Chris loves the drama. He confronts Chad about steroids and rather than deny it he says, “There’s no way I could have brought them with me.” Tim, the lawyer, says ‘That’s admission”. Chris makes Chad apologize, like a little kid. He follows this up with “I’m going to cut everyone’s arms off and legs off, and there are going to be torsos everywhere and I’m going to throw them in the pool”. Run for your lives boys. Run for your lives. TO BE CONTINUED…

Worst Bachelorette Blogger Ever.

You guys. The Bachelorette debuted nine days ago and I haven’t even posted yet. The. Worst. But the people have spoken (aka one of my friends asked me if I was going to do a recap again this year) so I’m back at it, albeit slightly delayed. Let’s begin.
I really liked JoJo last season. She is smoking hot, fun loving and seems like a great girl. But thanks to the Bachelor I am reminded that she came out of the limo with a mother effing unicorn on her head.Terrible. Secondly, this recap of last season made me want to punch Ben in the nads. “I found love with you but I found it with someone else more?” What a dick. I stopped following him on instagram because I was sick of looking at Lauren’s wax face and terrible denim shorts. Will I watch their televised wedding? You betcha.
Of course there is a montage of JoJo marching around the beach in a bikini by herself with a voiceover. Ugh. She is so pretty. What is the producer’s direction while she is walking on the beach? Stare into the sun? Sexily climb onto the lifeguard stand?
JoJo meets up with Kaitlyn, Ali and Desiree to get some advice before heading on the show. First off, Ali didn’t even marry the guy. Did Desiree? I didn’t watch these girls but Desiree seems pretty boring. K says Cupcake was her first kiss?! Why did I not remember that?!  Can someone do my hair and makeup like JoJo on the reg?  K has tiny bird arms that I can snap. Is Desiree pregs too? Eagle eyes over here noticed she is also drinking water with lemon. I think the best advice they gave was: don’t just pay attention to the guy you want to bone. 32

Meet the Men

Full disclosure, I already saw the list of all of Jojo’s men on US Weekly  and I was not impressed. Like, some of them were so hideous that I thought it was a joke. But I realize those stock photos don’t always capture the essence of these dudes so I’m willing to give them a chance.Let’s hit up the profiles of guys they think will last and/or are the worst:
Grant. Firefighter which makes him already hot. He hopes “JoJo lights his fire”. I hope the producers made him say that.
Jordan. Former pro quarterback (and younger brother of Aaron Rogers).  No current job apparently. Jeans are way too tight. Like, these are basically leggings right?47
Alex. Marine with a very square face. Lots of arm tats on these folks thus far. He’s a TWIN!! Please. No more twins. I cannot. I. CANNOT.
James. His hair looks like weird cartoon guy that has red hair and wears a leather jacket. Does anyone know who I’m talking about?Anyway, James  is a bachelor fan. I do appreciate that he has a bracket for every season.Genius.  Does he live at home? No man decorated that house he is in.
46
Oh my god, you guys. I just googled “cartoon characters that wear leather jackets” and this guy came up!! Totes the same as James. 
Evan. Oh my Lord. This guy is rat face 2.0. He’s a former pastor who now helps guys with erectile dysfunction. Also, arm tat.He also said he’s “got mojo for JoJo.” The worst.

48

Ali. Ooh lala! He’s a good looking dude. Sadly he’s a bartender and has no motivation. Definitely the black sheep of his family. He wants a house by the beach. Dude, that won’t happen if you continue with your bartending ways. Get a real job. I cannot find a good photo of Ali so sorry.
Christian. Goes to the gym at 4am. We would not be compatible. Peace out. 49
Luke. Cowboy/war veteran.  Cute at first glance but maybe crazy eyes? This guy is in a small town, but potentially not as small/terrible as Chris’. 
Now its time for JoJo to meet the men.  And she is super hot. Those boobs! Love.JoJo getting out of limo
Jordan’s hair is crazy. Super flopsy. Cut it down Jordan.43
Derek–commercial banker. He seems genuine and compliments her sense of self.
Here comes Grant! Not a great intro.
James-Boxing Club owner. Black suit and black shirt. Automatic strike.
Robby–former competitive swimmer. Brings her a bottle of wine which is a nice touch…and then makes her drink from the bottle like her mama. Hilarious.Two points for Robby for the bottle of wine. Minus one point for the fact that his name is Robby. jojo drinking wine from bottle
The marine. Is he like 4 feet tall? Even being a tiny man, his pants are too short.
Will. Civil engineer. Fake drops his card. Dorky.
Chad. Luxury real estate agent from Tulsa. Let’s be honest here, how much luxury real estate is there is Tulsa? Chad awkwardly holds her hands and looks like he wants to eat her right up. It’s part sexy part scary. 
Daniel. Oh god. This guy is wearing the black shirt black suit combo too and his profession is “Canadian”. Not cute. Weird eyebrows. Strikes all around.
Ali. Ugh. Not as cute in this setting. His hair is jacked up and his pants are stuck on his boots
James Taylor? Singer-songwriter. This guy comes out singing a little diddy about JoJo. He’s kind of cute in a hokey way.
Jon from Canada walks out rocking a kilt. Says he’s half Chinese, half Scottish but his Scottish half is below the waist. Yikes.All the guys who are already in the house  are VERY worked up about the kilt. I feel like it’s not that bad? Remember when that girl wore a giant rose on her head? Also, is the first asian we’ve ever seen The Bachelorette? 
To all those fools upset about the kilt, Saint Nick AKA Santa Claus just arrived from the North Pole. I mean..that’s ridiculous but JoJo is a very good sport about it. Daniel is worked up again. He’s going to be the dick of the first few episode.JoJo meets Santa
Another Chase. Mustache joke. Zing!
Jake. Landscape architect. Normal and nice looking.
Sal. Operations manager. Brings blue balls.
Coley. Not a typo. His name is Coley. And he is gross. Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof. 
Brandon. Hipster. Also hideous and maybe high? If Coley and Brandon were the first two out of the limos, I’m pretty sure JoJo would have thought Chris Harrison was playing a cruel prank on her. 
Nick. Software salesman slides right into the splits. Cheeseball city. 50
Vinny. Barber. Pants too short. Brought a slice of toast. This guy is definitely not going to make it.
Evan. The pastor/erectile disfuntion guy called her girlie. Creepster.com
Wells. Radio DJ. Brought All4One (yes, I know it was a number 4), which you may remember from 1994.
Jordan’s hair keeps getting higher and higher as the night goes on.
I like Christian. He seems like a nice boy.
Luke, the cowboy/war veteran walks in on a unicorn. Ridiculous in a slightly cute way. JoJo likes Luke.Coconut would totally get my first impression rose. 
Overall, I think this crew is better than their profiles on the abc webpage, but yeesh, there are some real dogs in this pack.

Cocktail Party 

The marine grabs her first. He sits down on a  bench and his feet don’t touch the floor. Yikes. That is super short. He then does push ups and makes her sit on him. Boo. 
All the dudes are nervous and JoJo is a little bummed out by it. Jordan gives her his jacket and these two have a definite connection. He tells her he does edia and sports broadcasting. So apparently he’s not just former pro QB/younger brother of Aaron Rogers.

Will did some kid fortune thing and then went to kiss her and oh god, it was awkward. She gave him a real nice mom pucker. And then she gave Jordan a real smooch and walks away going “his butt”. She’s hilarious.

Wells is really milking the All4One thing. Then he calls them “an amazing band”. Um…no.

Chad, the luxury real estate agent is already a real douchebag. He is ready “emotionally and financially”. JoJo says that he’s holding something back and claims, “It’s sexy to me..he’s mysterious.” Oh JoJo, you like bad boys. Just admit it. In the interview Chad says”I’m pretty confident that if I want her, I can have her”.   Then he says he’s a more rugged version of Ben. I’m gonna stop you right there Chad. You are nothing like my dear sweet Ben.

Daniel, the Canadian talks nonstop about Canada and pulls out the Damn Daniel joke, which I don’t get either. Then he pokes Evan’s belly button, takes all his clothes off, poses awkwardly and jumps in the pool. See ya Daniel!

Some other guy marches into her interview wasted. Then in comes Vinny the barber who is a total hot mess. She is, obviously, exhausted by this. And is a really good sport about Santa, who is sweating buckets in that suit.

I like this singer/songwriter James. He probably doesn’t have enough edge for JoJo, but I like him.

Luke brings her cowboy boots which is just darling. She definitely thinks he is hot. But she gives the first impression rose to Jordan, who’s hair has flopped to the side like a wing.

Rose Ceremony Time!

All the boys are lined up and JoJo is giving them the ol’ “it was nice to meet all of you. I hate this part” spiel and then…and then…a limo pulls up. Who is it? I feel like it’s Nick Viall. WTF? Who is this guy? Jake Pavelka? Wasn’t that guy a total douche face who picked some young dumb girl? Apparently Jake is a close family friend (yikes!). They tried to set it up like he was interested in her, but he’s not. This was lame. Delete.

Luke (war veteran) is obviously safe. Wells (All4One) is safe. Also safe: James (singer songwriter) and Grant (firefighter). Oh my GOD, Chad just said “She be vibing”. JoJo, abort mission immediately. Sadly she does not get to see behind the scenes and he gets a rose. Derek. Christian. Chase. Alex (mini-Marine). Robby. Brandon (the French looking hipster-bad choice). James (boxing club owner). Ali (crazy hair piano playing bartender). St. Nick got a rose!! YAY!

After St. Nick gets the rose, Vinny looks like he’s going to murder someone. He then says “I’m a good judgement of character. Guys like me could overcome on top”. Take it back to Delray Beach to work on your fades Vin.

Will. Says “Will will accept the rose” and I want to slap him sideways. James (bachelor fan). Vinny gets a rose?!! What is happening? Evan got a rose. I mean, let’s be serious, this is not going to work. Daniel also gets a rose, which us clearly a producers choice.

Most men of color go home. Jake, the landscape architect. Some vaguely ethnic good looking guy in a tan suit (Peter?) I don’t recall him at all. The Asian Scottish guy. The one guy that was not good looking at all that I know nothing about.

It’s like 7am when these dudes leave the mansion. How are these guys even standing? How is JoJo standing and still looking amazing? She’s an alien.I look like crap by the time I pee for the first time at work at like 10am. I walk into the bathroom and all of a sudden my hair looks like shit, I have mascara under my eyes and stains on my clothes. Could you imagine what I would look like after a night of being The Bachelorette? 

Going to watch episode 2 this weekend and will catch up. Promise!

A Sad Farewell to my Pre-baby Boobs

I do not have a full length mirror in my bathroom. This is a blessing and a curse. I’m grateful I do not have to see my ghostly jiggly body in all its glory every time I get out of the shower, however it also allows me to avoid everything happening below my neck. Unfortunately my mother-in-law has the worlds biggest mirror in her guest bathroom and this past weekend I was forced to face reality. Let’s just say: Yikes.
Now I know from getting dressed every day that my stomach isn’t, shall we say, “taught”, nor are my legs what they used to be. But what gave me a big surprise on this particular viewing was my boobs. Where did they go? Why are they halfway down my rib cage? How did they go from rounded globes to flappy pancakes without me even noticing? I’ve never cared much about these melons of mine before, probably because they were decent shape and size, but this is a whole new world. I’m incredibly proud of the fact that I breast fed my daughter for 16 months as Lord knows it is not easy so I guess these sandbags are my badges of courage? What a lame prize.  There is a joke in there about a booby prize but I just can’t get there today.
What can you even do about your boobs? If I gain weight, I can (in theory) diet and exercise. Wrinkles? Slap on some retinol and research chemical peels. But boobs are a different story. To assist with these guys, I did go to Nordstrom for a bra fitting courtesy of my mom who was horrified that I had been wearing the same nude nursing bra daily for 16 months and continued to wear despite no longer nursing. #cheap #lazy This $70 bra has done wonders and I will probably wear it daily until the wire pops out or the straps sag and my mom takes me in again. But what I really want is something that can bring these gals back to their days of glory. When I could rock a white (!) triangle bikini from Target without fear or shame while wearing some early 2000’s sunglasses. Oh, the good old days.  For all your sakes, after photos not included. 1929429_83223666806_3920571_n.jpg

Bachelor Recap: Just Choose Someone Already

First off, what is Chris Harrison wearing? Light blue suit with a wrinkled blue tie? Get it together Harrison. This is the finale god damn it. Chris is downright giddy about tonight and informs us that ABC flew out both families (and Ben’s pastor) in case there is a wedding on After the Final Rose.They flew out both families? One of the families obviously knows their daughter was not chosen right? This show…bachelor ben's pastor
Meet the Parents  
Lauren is still wearing those denim cut off underpants. Oh wait, so is JoJo, although hers are slightly longer and not as Jon Bon Jovi. Would I be wearing these if I was 10 years younger and had these bodies?denim shorts on bachelor
Ben gives us a dramatic and scripted soliloquy  about how he went from being unlovable to being loved by two women…and loving two women back. I honestly think this is impossible. You can’t really want to propose to two women. I think Ben’s mom is on my side, as she said its “disturbing”. Also, does the show have to end in a proposal? Can’t he just choose one girl and have a normal relationship for maybe a year or two (with one woman) and then propose?

Lauren meets the parents. Thankfully she decides to forgo the crop tops for the visit. I think she is pretty boring, but girlfriend has some glowy skin. These things are always so weird. If I was dating someone and met his parents and they asked me if I was in love with their son, I’d be super creeped out and make a run for it. Lauren eats it up and even holds hand with mom. lauren and ben's mom
Amy (Ben’s mom) is my fave. She basically just told Lauren all the bad things about her son, which is hilarious, and rolled her eyes when Lauren said he’s pretty much perfect. Did you guys see the necklace she is wearing though? I’m pretty sure it’s a dolphin jumping through a gold hoop. Yikes.ben's mom bachelor

JoJo meets the parents in a little romper. My relationship with rompers is well documented. She looks cute and is insanely nervous. JoJo tells his parents “it’s a long time coming”. Um, it’s been like 7 weeks.
Verdict from Tim & I: Parents like JoJo best. Other verdict: Ben needs to throw away those maroon jeans. Yuck.

The Last Date
HOW THE EFF DOES LAUREN KEEP WEARING THESE SHORTS??!!! They are so freaking hideous. I would NOT choose Lauren based on these jorts alone. Ben clearly does not mind them. Lauren quizzes Ben on his concerns and his biggest is that it has been perfect since they met which seems too good to be true. Again, it’s been about two months. Things should be easy and perfect the first two months in a relationship. But then he says he “overcame” his challenges with JoJo. I mean, a made up ex boyfriend and a dumb brother? That hardly rocked the boat.Ben and Lauren have a super boring conversation in which she says like about 342 times and they touch foreheads while sitting in silence. And then she cries.ben and lauren

Ben picks up JoJo on the side of the road. They literally dropped her off there to wait. At the Blue Hole (which is now on my bucket list) she asks him if he’s feeling good, and he’s like “um….I’m confused”. Ooof. She hopes she doesn’t end up looking like a fool. Me too JoJo! I like you! I’d pick you! But I wouldn’t want you as a friend because you’re too hot. You guys, can you even imagine what my stomach would look like if I was folded in half like that while being carried by hunky Ben? Yuck. #onepieceforlyfeben and jojo swimming
That night, she asks him what his concern is about their relationship and he doesn’t have one. Dude, you are confusing the shit out of these girls. But then he tells her that they’re best friends. Here is a tip from a married lady Ben: Pick your best friend. JoJo tries to avoid the cameras and get to the bottom of it, and Ben tells her that he loves both of them. She starts sobbing and said she’s tired of competing. Poor JoJo. You won’t have to compete if you’re the next Bachelorette!

Ben meets with Neil Lane who needs to step away from his plastic surgeon. He is picking out one of these ridiculously ornate rings and doesn’t even know who he is going to give it to. Dear Lord. Also, shave your face, you’re proposing today.bachelor ben's engagement ring
The Final Rose
I love when they show the girls getting ready. They look so nervous. Either you’re going to get proposed to or you’re going to get dumped on national television. Yikes. JoJo has a banging bod and her face looks great but that dress is beat. It’s like Miss USA Barbie. I hate that they make these chicks walk like 10 miles across bridges or sand or rocks to get to the guy. JoJo sees him and immediately starts talking. It’s like she is saying her wedding vows. Girlfriend, shut your face and let him say his piece…because the way he is staring at you, he’s gonna dump you. And then he does, but not without saying he still loves her. How awkward will that be when Lauren sees this?ben and jojo
After JoJo leaves, Ben is distraught. If you love someone that much, you should not propose to someone else like 10 minutes later. He gets over quickly and calls Lauren’s dad, whose number is conveniently in his phone, to ask for permission to marry Lauren and then starts cheering. If you were honestly that conflicted, I don’t think there would be this quick turn around Benjamin. Amy and I are very disappointed in you. It was a dick move to treat JoJo that way. If he honestly knew he was going to choose Lauren (which I think he did), he should not have told JoJo that he loved her like a million times including the night before he dumped her and proposed to someone else.

Anyway, he proposes to Lauren, who also looks banging in a gorgeous blue dress,  with that overly complicated Neil Lane ring. (FYI, those rings look a lot better on TV than they do in real life. I saw Jillian Harris’ ring from Ed and it was not that pretty.Did you guys know that Jillian and I were friends for a while? By friends I mean we hung out a few times and she knew who I was and I had a her cell phone number. It was my favorite friendship of all time even though she probably has no recollection of my existence.) These two dumb dumbs do seem happy though and I always keep my fingers crossed that Bachelor couples will make it because I need this show to continue! bachelor ben and lauren

Next Up: About 100 clips of Ben’s pastor thumbing through the Bible on After the Final Rose!