The Next Bachelor

I break my silence to offer a comment on the breaking news that Nick Viall has been named the next Bachelor. I think he is such a slimeball. He has shifty eyes and a lisp and I trust him as much as I trust Jordan. This could be as bad as Juan Pablo and I’m not even sure I will watch! (Let’s be serious, I probably will not miss this train wreck.)
Thoughts on this casting choice? 
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Bachelor Recap: Fantasy Suites!

You might be saying, “Hey Jessica, the show is over. We know who Ben picks. There are not THREE ladies left heading into the fantasy suites.” To which I say, “I know. I KNOW! But I did watch and recap the last few episodes and I can’t post out of order or skip an episode. It’s the Virgo in me.” I promise I will have a finale recap up tomorrow and and After a Final Rose recap up by Friday. I have a lot of excuses about my lack of posting but they are worthy of their own post(s).
Anyway, back to two weeks ago…
Ben and Caila on the raft almost completely silent with limited and awkward conversation was amazing. It’s like the worst date of all time. Oh my god, you guys, this is painful. At dinner she says, “It’s funny you noticed I was off today.”  Um. My dog noticed.
Then she told him she was in love with him and he kissed her while sweating his ass off and gave her an invite to the fantasy suite.  She calls him a sly fox, which I appreciate, then she said, “I see fireworks in his eyes, in his eyes and in my heart” and I wanted to throw her off a cliff.

Lauren is basically wearing denim cut off underwear. I can see her cheeks. And a crop top, obviously. None of these chicks leave anything to the imagination. bachelor65 Their date is baby sea turtles, which Lauren says is one her dreams? I would judge but the swimming with pigs date was one of my dreams, so to each his own.  These two love each other so much, it’s ridiculous. I got really excited when they show up at a bar where a band is playing and there are other people there. It’s a real date! Like real life! And then they go inside and the place is empty. Ben hands her the fantasy suite card before they can even take a bite. She tells him she’s in love with him and he responds the same way. We knew this was going to happen because Chris Harrison told me about 600 times, but still! This is a big deal! I thought this was against the rules!

 Here’s another shot of this ridiculous outfit, which honestly is NOT flattering. Girlfriend has a banging bod and this is not doing her any favors. 

JoJo is also rocking the jean short undies, but at least had the sense to wear a loose shirt with it. Tim and I have decided she is the prettiest. Their date is super fun-helicopter to a waterfall where she tells him she loves him and is 100% shocks that he responds likewise. Literally she almost falls over. I have a funny gif of this but I don’t know how to embed anything so you’ll just have to remember the look on her face.

Obviously he asks her to the Fantasy Suite because have you gotten a look a this girl? bachelor58They’re way more fun than Ben and Lauren and drink champagne in the hot tub, which is the only way to do it. Lauren didn’t even get in the pool! Watching these peeps kiss in bathing suits is too much for me though. Are the camera people just like “ugh…sick”. Also, how do these bitches look so good in the morning? I’m like a hot mess and these girls look gorge. Is it because they’re 25 and have been on vacation for six weeks?

My husband’s response to all of this is: “I can’t believe he beds three women in three days”. Do you guys really think he slept with some of them? Or all of them? The guy has a bible verse tattooed on his side so I’m not so sure.

Caila is a total crazy person and heads over to Ben’s place potentially wearing a bathing suit top as a shirt. He is 100% thrown off by this visit as hadn’t prepped himself for dumping her. bachelor67At least she didn’t have to go through a rose ceremony. Caila then jumps out of the car and asks him he knew that week, which is basically like, why did you sleep with me if you were going to pick other girls. Anyone else think she was fake crying during her goodbye? Then she said her purpose in life is to love other people and pulled the “I’ll never find anyone” crap. Girl, you are 25. You are batshit crazy but you have fab hair and a good bod. You’ll be fine.

JoJo shows up to the rose ceremony looking smoking!! Can I get that hair in my life please? Or can I get Chris Harrison’s job? For serious, he travels to the best places and works for like 15 minutes? Ben says he can picture both girls being his wife, which, you know, is weird as usually it’s pretty hard to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? These two chicks are being so friendly about the whole thing! bachelor68

Next Up: I though Women Tell All was boring as hell so I’m going straight to the Finale! Check back tomorrow–promise!

Bachelor Recap: The Orthopedic Capital

We are back in Warsaw, Indiana, the Orthopedic Capital you guys, if you didn’t see from that sign. Warsaw is in full fall splendor. Ben is apparently a 50’s greaser in his hometown with his rolled up jeans and black leather jacket with the popped collar driving an old Chevy pick-up.The Bachelor, Ben
Ben meets his parents in the neighborhood diner, which is just charming. I love Small Town, USA. He lets them know he brought six girls home with him and basically tells them he likes JoJo and Lauren the most, Caila and Amanda are hot, Becca is “eh” and Twin is just along for the ride. Ben picks up all the girls in a pontoon boat and delivers them to a little home on the lake where they’ll be staying. Ben shares that the house is on the same lake as his parents and makes some weird joke about his parents having sex. Yeesh.
First date is with Lauren…because he is in LOVE with her. To note: Ben’s hair has much improved since the beginning of the season and Lauren has zits on her chin which makes me feel better about myself. Ben gives Lauren the grand tour of Warsaw including his elementary school, his high school, his church and the movie theater where he had his first kiss. Ben then takes Lauren to the Youth Center where he worked for four years. Of course he is still in touch with the director and the kids remember him. I mean…this guy. Ben surprises the kids by bringing a few of the Pacers back to the youth center and the kids’ heads explode. It’s really cute. Ben singles out this little kid who is crying in the corner and gets him to join in the fun. This is too much. I used to teach swimming and had crushes on every guy I taught with because I loved watching them with the kids. I would have been ALL ABOUT Ben if we worked at the youth center together in high school. Or now. I’m all about Ben now.
Lauren and Ben get down to what happened in the Bahamas last week, ie. when Leah threw her under the bus. Basically he tells her he does trust her, they smooch and then Ben takes her to meet his friends at the local dive bar. These two are smitten kittens.
JoJo gets the second one-on-one: Let’s Find Love in the Windy City! You guys, they were in Chicago and I didn’t know. Ben was mere steps from my home (like less than two miles) and I was not there to see him or creep on him. For myself, and for you dear readers, I apologize. These lucky ducks get to go on the field at Wrigley. He pitches her a few and she crushes it. This would be a really embarrassing date for me as I am potentially one of the worst baseball players of all time—just ask my former softball team. Ben says he is more himself with JoJo than any other girl (and he’s insanely attracted to her).
Back at the house, Caila, Amanda and Becca get the group date, which results in Twin ugly crying because she is so excited to have the one-on-one date. Sidenote: Can someone please explain what happened to Twin’s thumb? She has had an ENORMOUS bandage on it since Vegas and it’s gone unmentioned.
Back to Ben & JoJo. These maniacs get to have dinner on the field at Wrigley. Just this summer I was on the field (for a Billy Joel concert) and it was so unreal. I can only imagine what it’s like with no one else there. Ben digs in at dinner (not into the meal, obviously) and asks why JoJo is scared and holding back. He tells her he questions to what extent his feelings are there. She tells him she needs to feel safe to let go completely and that the insecurity has nothing to do with him, but with situations in her past in which she loved or gave more than the person she was with. Honestly, I hate these conversations and totally tune out. I’m sorry guys, it is not my strong suit. Overall, they like each other a lot and they’re pretty cute. I think she has more of a personality than Ben’s #1 gal, Lauren B. And is hotter. Jojo and Ben Higgins
The group date occurs on a farm, and they go rowing, which is odd because there are four of them so two girls have to sit together in a little rowboat. Caila bugs the bejesus out of me, but she does have some lovely shiny and bouncy hair that flows behind her while she is flying a kite. Ben brings the girls to a barn that is looks EXACTLY like the place that Chris dumped Becca before proposing to Whitney. Do you think she had flashbacks when she walked in there?
Ben throws a wrench in the date by saying that whoever gets the rose mid-date will get the rest of the day with him one-on-one while the other two girls head back home. Amanda chats about her kids and Ben is really supportive of that. Becca kinda tells Ben that she needs to hear that he’s into her. She likes him way more than she like Chris, that’s for sure. Caila tells Ben that she doesn’t have roots in her hometown because she moved 17 times before college (!), and she doesn’t have any place meaningful to show him. And then she says, “I’ve always pictured myself as moss and I’ve always been finding the perfect tree to growth with” followed by “I could move a lot. Or I couldn’t.” Thanks for the insight Caila. Ben gives the rose to Amanda and tells her he is excited to meet her family. He’s really going the distance with this teen mom! Becca is finally melting down and says, “I don’t want to feel this way with someone I’m trying to fall in love with.” Here’s a tip Becca…maybe if you don’t try to find a boyfriend on reality television it won’t be this hard.
Ben takes Amanda to…McDonalds “because that’s a normal thing for me.” This is a full out ad for all day breakfast, because I’ve seen Ben on the McD’s commercials. If I was Amanda I would be livid. And then I’d order a two cheeseburger meal with fries and a diet coke.
Amanda tells Ben that she’s never introduced anyone to her kids before. Well girlfriend, your youngest is only one year old so let’s hope not. After Mickey D’s, Ben takes Amanda to the town carnival. They are painting Warsaw as Hometown, USA, however, I received word from a dear reader that has family in Warsaw the lake is disgusting and Warsaw is not all ABC is portraying it to be aka The Orthopedic Capital.
Emily gets her one-on-one date: “Home is Where the Heart Is”. She gets picked up in the pontoon boat and Ben takes her home to meet his mom and dad. Caila describes Emily as “a bright eyed puppy with so much to learn”. To note, Caila is one year older than Emily, but I kind of see her point. Mom pulls Emily aside and Emily just nonstop talks, making little to no sense, including telling the Mom that one of her dreams is to be an NFL cheerleader. Just what every potential mother-in-law wants to hear. Mom says to the camera, “She’s definitely a ‘fun’ individual. Maybe she’s a little young for Ben.” This is her face the whole time Twin is spewing useless information at her. And then she cries while telling Ben what she thinks about Emily. Oooh, not a good sign Em. ben-higgins-mom-bachelorHe brings Emily back to the dock immediately after his visit with parents and says “I’ve been amazed at who you are, but I don’t think I can see you being my wife.” Poor Ben starts tearing up because he is a genuinely nice person and doesn’t like hurting people. This is all occurring while the other girls are watching through the window, which seems rude. However, we get more UGLY CRY. YAY! And then everyone else starts crying too when she walks in the house! It’s kinda fab. Twin is very diplomatic in her car ride to the airport, saying she feels blessed by the experience to get to know Ben and whoever ends up with him his very lucky.
Rose Ceremony Time
The rose ceremony takes place in town square and it looks like a Salem witch trial. The girls are freezing their buns off. Ben takes a few moments with his main man, Chris Harrison, to tell him that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Chris asks Ben if he can truly see each of these women as his wife, and he replies that there is one woman who has not gotten to the place that the others have. Tim & I guess Becca. Lauren gets the first rose. Duh. JoJo gets the second rose. It’s between Becca and Caila for the final rose. The final rose goes to Caila. Becca and her wax figure face are genuinely upset. She is like “Why did you do that?” which is fair actually, as she asked him the day before not to blindside her. Ben states he genuinely didn’t know who he was going to keep until that moment which is kind of a cop out. Maybe Becca should try out Tinder like all other girls her age.Second try: Becca was sent home from The Bachelor for a second time
Next Week: Hometowns! From the look of it, JoJo’s brothers ruin everything, Amanda’s kids are normal toddlers which scares the hell out of Ben, and Caila’s dad is a supercreep. Should be fun!

Bachelor Recap: Bahama Mama

The episode begins with Ben pulling Olivia to the side prior to the rose ceremony. He tells her that some of the women had mentioned that she wasn’t connecting with the others in the house and he wants to hear her thoughts. Of course she blames the fact that she got two roses in a row put a target on her back and “she feels like she can’t win”. Then she throws the other girls under the bus by saying they enjoy painting their nails and doing each other’s hair while she “likes reading books and thinking” and follows that up with “I want to talk smart things.” Then she fake cried again. She’s the worst. And so is her stupid dress.
Twin has sucked herself into an Olivia spiral and cannot get over it, which means she’ll likely get kicked off.  Olivia doesn’t give a sh*t, knows that the girls hate her and legit says, “Come at me bro” while in the confessional, which is kind of amazing.
Heading into the rose ceremony, both Olivia and Lauren H. have roses. Caila is safe. Lauren B is safe.  JoJo and that dress get a rose. Becca gets a rose. Leah (hello, Leah!??) gets a rose. It’s between Twin and Jennifer. Twin is safe! Thank God—I want more ugly cry face in my life. Chris Harrison tells Jennifer to say her good-byes while wearing a hideous brown suit. Jen is quite diplomatic on her departure and tells him that there are amazing girls left. Jen, we hardly knew ye!
Ben tells the remaining ladies that they are headed to the Bahamas, and for once, is holding a champagne glass correctly. The opening scenes of the Bahamas make me realize I need an immediate vacation (and a mimosa). Amanda is rocking Becca’s dumb hair from last week. Is this is a new trend? Harrison marches in, looking rested and tan, and shares that the plan for the week is a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date.  Caila gets the first date—“Let’s See if this Love is Reel” (her second) and poor old Leah is pretty sad as she hasn’t even had one. At least this sad sack finally gets some screen time. Ben picks up Caila for the date and sits down right next to Leah and its super awkward. She’s basically crying.
I know Caila is a fan favorite, but she is dressed like a straight up ho. Cover your belly. Or your butt. Or both. Leave a little to the imagination—I think Ben would like that. He is a Christian after all. Caila is pretty “excited to relax” on this date. Again, you’ve been relaxing for like six weeks. My relaxation time consists of things like “showering” and “going to the bathroom by myself”.
The producers do a lovely job of alternating clips of Caila and Ben having the time of their lives deep sea fishing and making out, with clips of Leah having a total meltdown. I can’t even understand what she is saying she is so upset—something about how she and Ben live 10 minutes from one another in real life and could have met at a bar, but the universe brought them together like this? She went from zero screen time to total mess in half an episode.
Ben wants to get to know the Caila behind the smile, and then pushes her to tell her sob story. “Open up.” “Vulnerable”. She says she doesn’t want to share her deepest darkest secrets, but she feels like she loves him but she thinks she will hurt him? Ben is confused. I’m confused. I think Caila is confused.
Back at home—date card. Leah is in the group date yet again. “Love is unpredictable”. The two-on-one is Olivia and Twin (Emily). Olivia thinks Emily is young (they’re the same age) and like a bird. I think everyone has gone crazy.
We’re back to Ben and Caila. This conversation is so ridiculous. They’ve been on two dates and are trying to iron out every detail of the way they’re feeling. I space out every time Caila speaks. Tim just said “WTF is she talking about?” which verifies that I’m not alone. They both said “feel” about 600 times and Ben gives her the rose. These two make a boring couple. Also, the humidity in the Bahamas is not doing Ben’s hair any favors. Caila’s hair is still luxurious and bouncy.
Group date. Every single girl is wearing tiny cut off jean shorts and not one of the women is wearing a shirt that covers their torso. They are drinking delicious drinks while on a catamaran, and then literally do something I have always wanted to do. Like on my bucket list I would cry if it happened to me. Swim with pigs. I squealed during this entire segment. I loved that Ben was like “We’re gonna feed them hot dogs” and Leah was like “We’re going to feed the pigs pig?!!” Thankfully, they are chicken hotdogs- don’t worry. You guys, this was the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life. By far the best part of The Bachelor, any season.
Back at home, Twin is calling other twin about the two-on-one. I thought they took away your cell phones and you couldn’t talk to people at home? Am I mistaken?
At group date, Ben is “obsessing” over Lauren B. the entire time. I TOLD YOU! He loves him some Lauren B. Because Ben is not an idiot, he picks up that the girls are upset with him and he tries to chat with JoJo about it. She’s very pretty. And has a nice rack. I did some DVR pausing/super sleuthing and have finally figured out Ben’s tattoo! It’s Proverbs 16:3. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will be established. That is a very large and biblical tat for a non-virgin who is trying to find love on The Bachelor.IMG_7512
Leah has a few minutes with Ben during the group date and turns into a hot mess. She calls him out on not asking her for a one-on-one and starts crying. Girlfriend, get it together. Ben gives her the advice I would give her as her Bachelor godmother, “Just take the time you have”.
At the cocktail party, Ben pulls Becca aside and asks why she was standoffish that day. She was very honest and said his chemistry with Lauren B. was obvious, and that caused her to shut down, but it just means that she likes him.  Leah has some one-on-one time with Ben too and he tells her to “be as open with [me] as possible”. She tells him that women in the house aren’t being real with him and she doesn’t like drama or say names but it’s the person he has the strongest connection with…and then says “Lauren B.” Wha wha whaaaaa???? This was a bomb. Did she just try to throw Lauren under the bus because that is who he likes the most? Leah, you little snake. Ben then tells Lauren B. (idiotic move) so of course the drama continues. Lauren B is very upset, understandably, and when she’s telling the group Leah flat out denies that she said anything. Yikes. This girl came from out of nowhere to become maybe the most evil girl in the house. Also, Lauren B. is a much prettier crier than the twins. 
Amanda gets the date rose, and poor Lauren B. thinks that maybe it’s due to what “someone” has said. Lauren B. is wearing her hair in the half up bun too. This must be a thing. A thing I hate. After hours Leah heads over to Ben’s house  to tell him MORE about why Lauren B. isn’t right for him. Leah, give it up. She says to the camera that she wants Ben to know more about her and that he hasn’t had the time to get to know her…and then spends the entire time with Ben talking about Lauren B. Ben recognizes this and tells her that something doesn’t feel right. And then he promptly sends her home. AMAZING! Well done Ben. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.
Two-on-One Date with Twin & Olivia
It is a freaking hurricane and these maniacs just hop into a small boat. The seas look treacherous. Emily’s cut offs are even more treacherous. High waisted mom jean shorts with a zipper all the way to the top.
These three arrive at the beach, cheers, and then sit awkwardly in silence. Olivia takes her one-on-one time with Ben to sing her own praises: “I’m at peace with who I am and I love who I am. I’ve very grounded. I’m very in tune with my body. I’m really strong. I’m really confident. I know who I am. Deep intellectual things are my jam.” And then she tells him that she is in love with him. He is “glad” about it. Not a ringing endorsement.
Twin very aggressively takes her time to tell him that she is ready for him and is looking for validation. He listens, but he doesn’t kiss her. This date looks full out terrible. It’s a cold, windy and awkward. Ben grabs the rose and walks away with O, who marches along like a man. Ben tells her that he appreciates her speaking from her heart…and then says he can’t reciprocate those feelings…all while they are getting pummeled by wind and rain. It is the worst break-up ever…second to when one of the Bachelorettes left a guy on a glacier. Who was that? Was it Jillian? Emily gets the rose and does a lot of squealing while Olivia stands alone next to a blow hole looking sad. They legit make her stand alone on the island while the boat drives away. That is just cruel. But also amazing.
The rose ceremony takes place while the tropical storm rages on. Ben sends his consiglieri, Chris, to cancel the cocktail party and head straight to the rose ceremony. Lauren B. is very nervous that she’s going home. Dear Lauren, he luffs you. He will not send you home. JoJo also has a meltdown for seemingly no reason.
As a reminder, Caila, Twin and Amanda have roses and thus, are safe. Becca receives the first rose and JoJo the second. It’s a battle of the Laurens and I think we all know who will come out on top. Lauren H. is headed back to the mitten. I bet everyone is so excited that they can just say Lauren from here on out. Lord knows I am

Bachelor Recap: Viva Mexico!

The crew heads to Mexico City. There is a lot of finger dancing on the plane and then of course the girls ooh and ahh about the hotel. They’re staying at the Four Seasons. Remember last season with Chris where they were basically staying in a haunted hotel right off the highway in Iowa? Becca is probably like “TRADE UP!”
Olivia kicks off the episode talking about their love language yet again, and how it is reserved just for her. She (again) believes she’s going to get the one-on-one and (again) is NOT the one to get the one-on-one date. It goes to the high voiced mom of two, Amanda, with the note “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket”. Ben, this girls eggs are pretty fertile, you may not want to do that just yet.
Ben kicks off the date before 5am by waking all the girls up while they’re asleep. I always love when they do this because the girls look like such shit. Lauren H. is rocking zit cream and a retainer and Ben of course says, “I sleep with a retainer too!” Ben, so do I. We have so much in common. We’re basically soulmates. Ditch these crazies and come live with me.  (And my husband and baby. That won’t be weird at all.) 
Ben finds Olivia’s weave. Amanda must have had a heads up on this wake-up call because she is wearing full make-up, including lip gloss. No one looks like that upon waking up NOR do they look like that if they sleep in their make-up. If I sleep in make-up I wake up looking like a heroin addict. Amanda looks like a g-d Disney princess. 
The date is an air balloon, which is a dream date. They fly over the ancient city of Teotihuacan, which I’m sure Bem practiced saying about 60 times. Sidenote: did they get breakfast? I’d be like, this is great, but I’ve been up since 3:30 putting make-up on before your “surprise” wake-up call and I’m effing starving. They have a little picnic and she leaves a full glass of champagne on the ground which is just sacrilege. To be honest, I’m not sure what they’re talking about…basically they are talking about what they’re going to talk about later? Another blogger just pointed out how Ben is holding the champagne flute and now I can’t unsee it. 
Group date card comes and all the girls names are on it except for Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher from Michigan with great hair, which results in Olivia being a total stalker.
Amanda is nervous to talk to Ben about how she’s been married and divorced and has two kids. She’s had a busy 25 years. They got married when her oldest was six months old, and then she kind of talks shit about her ex-husband on national television? I mean, the guy sounds like a total douche, but isn’t it weird to share this publicly? Your family and kids can see this at some point. Ben, of course, responds diplomatically and tells her how incredible she is. She gets the rose, even though she’s wearing an Ice Capades costume. I don’t see the chemistry between these two, and I think Ben maybe just wants to love her because the poor girl has had a rough go of it.
Group Date- Come Se Dice The Way to the Man’s Heart
The date starts off with a Spanish class. Caila of course throws herself at Ben. Ugh. Becca is wearing a terrible half up half down top knot. Jubuilee gets a little sassy in Spanish class and of course Olivia feels some hidden chemistry while talking to Ben. She is too much. The second part of the date is heading to a restaurant to have a competition on who can make the best Mexican dish. They awkwardly break up into teams of two, except both Jubilee and Olivia try to partner with Ben. Obvi, Olivia wins because she is a bull. Remaining twin goes off an a tangent about how Olivia’s breath smells. “Ben was like ‘Hey lets go get some mint Olivia, I really want to try the mint!’
Ben tells us cooking is his thing, solidifying that minus his bad haircut and kind of oily/sweaty face, he is a dream man. And then he says “I’m not longer the Bachelor…I’m the Spatular” and I lost all interest. Ben watches all the ladies and recognizes that everyone is enjoying themselves and having fun except for Jubilee and Lauren B. Jubilee is like “It’s hard because we’re all at the point where we all have feelings for him”. Jubilee, this is The Bachelor, that is HOW it works. Also, can we talk about Becca’s dumb hair? A closer look:
The chefs try all the dishes, which leads to JoJo saying “I really want the chefs to taste my taco. Ben already tasted my taco…and he liked it”. Yikes! NC-17 rating on this episode. Olivia passes over her meal and the chefs comment that it looks like dog food, but they LOVE Lauren B and Jubilee’s fish. This whole part of the episode just made me hungry.
I hate when the girls call Ben their “boyfriend”. He is NOT your boyfriend. Boyfriend implies exclusion. As they sit down for the cocktail party of their date, Olivia immediately grabs Ben despite being partnered up with him All. Day. Long. She clearly doesn’t want to make any friends on this show. Ben has a LOT of hang time with Lauren B. tonight with a ton of kissing all around the city. WTF is she wearing? It’s like a crop top tube dress? Jubilee is mad the whole time. Ben grabs her to chat, and she avoids his hand. She tells him that on group dates she feels overshadowed and that he doesn’t notice her at all. She is “trying to remember how it felt to be with him and does he even remember their one-on-one date?”. Ben said that walking away from the date he felt they had something that could be built upon. Then he drops a bomb and says, “It would be unfair to you to say that I’m confident in that now because I feel you’ve pulled back”. Boom. They talk around it for a while and then Ben dumps her with a “maybe we say goodbye”. See ya Jubilee! I honestly think that if she hadn’t been such a weirdo in group situations and had been more confident in who she actually was, that she would have stuck around longer. Jubs finishes up her confessional by adopting Ben’s persona as “the most unlovable person in the world right now.” Ben feels like a dick for dumping a veteran orphan whose entire family died, which, ya know, I get.
While Ben is telling the girls that Jubs is gone, JoJo interrupts him but uses the time to tell him how he handled the situation with respect and grace and that he “impacts her heart”. Ben gives the date rose to someone who struggled for a while and who he has reconnected with tonight and it goes to…Olivia. Girls are blindsided. Oliva eats a fruit kebab. God bless this girl, she is the only one who eats.
One-on-One Date between Lauren H. and Ben
Lauren is wearing insanely tiny shorts and a mini crop top version of a Mexican blouse. You’re a kindergarten teacher gal, be a little more modest. Ben calls Lauren H. ‘Lauren H.’ throughout the entire  date which is hilarious. They head into a store where the owner invites them to Mexico City fashion week which is “the best date ever” for Lauren H. To each their own. These two crazies then get invited to be part of the show. She is super nervous (Obvi) but Ben reassures her that no one there is as beautiful as her. Bold faced lie. Lauren blinks the entire time she walks down the runway but her legs are legit and Ben looks effing hot. Smoldering. Despite his ridiculous shirt.
Ben calls his relationship with Lauren H. “a slow burn”. He’s getting more serious with the other girls, and wants to see if he has a romantic connection with her as opposed to just a friendship. Lauren wants Ben to know that she’s got a serious side too and shares that she had a four year relationship and then the guy dumped her and she found out he was cheating on her. She said she chooses to be happy every day and does not want to be guarded. This story makes Ben feel more confident in her and lays one on her. Lauren H. gets the rose, resulting in me having to look up which one is Lauren H. and which one is Lauren B. for another next week.
Rose Ceremony: What the rock is JoJo wearing? It’s like a cross between a doily and nylons.
Also, I still know absolutely NOTHING about Leah. I’m amazed she is still there seeing as she hasn’t received a group date rose or a one-on-one, and hasn’t been featured at all. Here is a photo of Leah, because you probably have no idea who she is either. 
 Lauren B. talks to Ben and this is verbatim what she says: “I don’t talk about my feelings really with anyone, but I just feel like even like the two seconds when we’re not around each other people can like tell that I just really like like you. And I can see like a life with you, not just like getting married like initially like I could see A LIFE with you, which is like terrifying. Like a life. Like a life life.” Dear Lord.
Amanda was talking about her kids in the group and Olivia comments that she feels like she’s watching an episode of Teen Mom. Amanda calls her out on it, which is impressive and then Olivia laugh cries her way through an apology. Twin, rocking that sequin dress, decides she wants to tell Ben about Olivia which you know is the kiss of death for anyone on the Bachelor. When you spend your time talking about another girl, you’re gone. Twin breaks down about how fake Olivia is and does the ugly cry her sister did last week. Olivia then interrupts because she is an attention whore. Twin somehow gets on the phone with other twin and hysterically ugly cries. It’s amazing. While talking to Olivia, Ben is trying to figure out her relationship with the other girls and she just straight out lies to him. So Ben then asks the other girls vaguely how things are going in the house—and they all report negatively on big O.  Before kicking off the rose ceremony, Ben pulls Olivia aside. All the girls think this means she’ll be gonzo, but if I know Olivia like I think I know Olivia, she’ll talk her away out of it.
To be continued! Scenes for the next episode just show every single person crying and Ben standing alone in a hurricane. It’s gonna be amazing.

Bachelor Recap: Vegas Baby!

The episode starts with all these bitches talking about how “exhausted” they are. Girls, I haven’t slept through the night in basically a year and a half. A year and a half. That’s exhausted. Not this single lifestyle in which you don’t have a job, hang by the pool all day and then drink all night. Tough life. Chris Harrison comes in to share they are all headed to Vegas. Turns out the twins were born and raised in Vegas. Wholly unsurprised. The girls are freaking out about Vegas. It’s not like the Maldives ladies. It’s Vegas.
Ben apparently drove his Mustang to Vegas. There is so much horrible girly screaming in the first five minutes of this episode. I want to plug my ears. They screech their way along the Vegas Strip and then almost have a hear attack when they see this ridiculous sign. They keep talking about how “romantic” Ben is. Hello? We all know this was the producers? Also, this is not romantic. 
JoJo gets the first one-on-one date card. Oliva looks like someone killed her puppy. Then in the confessional says that Ben is her peace and comes up with this sassy one-liner: Ben is my zen.
JoJo and Ben kick off their date with some Chandon (my fave!) on a parking lot roof. The helicopter lands and almost rips JoJo’s stupid shirt off while knocking over the champagne, glasses and table. They crouch and hide between the table and immediately start kissing.  It looks kinda gross. I’m wondering if Ben is a bad kisser and this is why he’s not off the market yet? This thought makes me very very sad. JoJo is wearing one of those really expensive Cartier bracelts…which was obviously given to her by an ex-boyfriend right? That’s not something your parents give you for Christmas. Again, what is this shirt?
JoJo “opens up” on their date that she fears that the individual she invests in will not invest in her back. I’m so bored with this conversation, but JoJo is really pretty. These girls have amazing skin! Oh, what I would give to be 24 again! Ben starts playing with that bracelet that her ex definitely gave her. She gets the rose and then they head up back on the roof to watch fireworks while Ben nuzzles her ear and the girls all talk shit from the hotel.
Group date card read “Show me what you got”. Lauren H, who is moving to the front of my pack, says “I’m thinking maybe it’s like showgirls show? But I hope we don’t have to do nipples tassels, because that would not be good.” WHAT IS CAILA wearing? Neon and sequins? I know she is a fan favorite (ahem…Ry Mulderrig) but she rubs me the wrong way. They walk into a theatre where some comedian or ventriloquist greets them. The girls pretend to know who he is but clearly no one does (including me). The date is a talent competition. Girls are confused and scared–basically not many of these chicks have talent. The twins think Olivia’s talent “besides being the center of attention all the time” is singing.
They find out they have to open for this random comedian/ventriloquist tonight in front of a live audient.  Twins go first doing an Irish dance wearing German dirndl. They are really good! Jubilee is next up with the cello—also great. Lauren B. juggles (in a bikini), the mom hula hoops, Caila belly dances/hulas, Lauren H. sings in a chicken suit and Olivia busts out of a cake in her showgirl attire and does some of the worst “dancing” I’ve ever seen. She basically just walks around kicking her legs and doing some bad shimmying, which results in a panic attack in which she must be off camera followed by a lot of “I just don’t know if I can do this”. Oh, Olivia, you’re a hot mess.
She’s very upset she got a “pity hug” from Ben when she walked off the stage. Maybe she should have thought of that before revealing her talent. At the evening part of the date the girls are all in tiny short cocktail dresses and Ben is yet again in a leather jacket. What is happening with the temperature here? Or the wardrobes? Caila went straight in for a kiss immediately, leading to Ben calling her a “sex panther”.  Gross. Lauren H. brought out her Midwestern accent hard during her one-on-one time with Ben, but he’s into it and they finally kiss. Oliva is wearing a hideous gray romper that is unflattering in all ways. Ben is sweaty again. If you’re so sweaty Ben, take off that leather jacket. Ben lies to Oliva’s face and tells her that her performance today wasn’t terrible, and then they are promptly interrupted by Twin A. O comes back to the table and pounds some snacks, which seems reasonable. Ben cannot get enough of Lauren B. He is all over her. She’s pretty honest with him and lets him know that she missed him a lot and wants to be around him all the time, but she’s not needy or ridiculous about it, although she did say “This could be my last first date” which is a bold statement.
Twin B (?) is chatting with Ben when Olivia comes back and interrupts. Ben is over it. This girl is too high maintenance for him. But then he kisses her again? Ben…stop it right now. O then proceeds to freak out to the camera and stare weirdly for 10 minutes with her hand in her mouth. I wish I could get a full body shot of this terrible romper. 
 Lauren B. get the date rose because he is IN LOOOOOOVE with her. Tim and I both notice that there is one blonde chick that is really pretty who hasn’t been featured at all. I have not a clue what her name is.
Becca’s date kicks off with her receiving an enormous box for her date and in it is….a wedding dress! Jubilee says “She’s the perfect person to wear white!” Ha! Becca is picked up in a pink Cadillac and driven to the Little White Chapel where Ben greets her at the altar. He totally freaks her out by getting on one knee and saying “Will you marry…other people with me today?” Ben is ordained and they are going to marry couples. She admitted to being wholly panicked. Her face was hysterical. Sheer terror. You guys, could you imagine if you were married in Vegas at the Little White Chapel by the Bachelor? Amazing. Some fab couples got married in Vegas, including a lot of men in tuxedos t-shirts.
Ben takes Becca to the Neon Graveyard, where all the old signs go to die. I love it. Take me there. Ben has a lot on the agenda for tonight. He wants to know “Can Becca love? Can Becca feel?” Ben asks how this season is different than last and she said she cares more at this point then she ever did last season. BURN! Sorry Chris. They have a pretty honest conversation about faith and virginity which results in Ben saying the phrase, “Jump their bones”. I’d jump your bones Ben, anytime. Their kiss does not look as awkward as others I have seen. But Ben is still sweating/shiny. They freestyle some vows to one another and she gets the rose. I still think she is pretty but also thinks he looks like she is made of wax. 
Chris Harrison arrives again while the gals all barefaced which is refreshing, unless you’re the twins who look like death without make-up. Chris wants to have a date with two women in particular, Emily & Haley—the TWINS! Honestly I didn’t know their names until this part. They have one hour to put on their faces. Are they going to battle one another for Ben’s heart? Surprise to these girls…he takes them home to their mom…who looks exactly like them, down to the bleach blonde hair. Haley shows Ben her room, which has numerous photos of her ex-boyfriend on display. Awkward. Is she still living in this room or is this like her high school room? It looks insanely juvenile. She is forthright with Ben and says she doesn’t want to be considered part of a pair and she wants him to treat them as individuals. Emily then basically says to Ben, “Pick me.” Ben asks for insight from Mom who provides some good intel. Ben sits down with the gals and says goodbye to Haley. He did it in front of Mom so she’d have support, and then both twins made the same ugly cry face. I would do a side by side comparison but it would just be the same photo so you get it. 
At the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Jen (?)grabs Ben right out of the gate and everyone is very proud of her because it’s not Olivia. Five minutes into the conversation, out pops Olivia who I’ve noticed walks like a dude. She brought him some cheesecake and she’s back to understanding his “hidden signals”. Ben then kisses pretty much every girl on the date. He’s so cute to Jubilee—“You look scared out of your mind!”—and then gives her some lovely compliments. He’s a doll.
Becca, JoJo and Lauren B. are all safe going into the rose ceremony.  Single mom gets a rose. Tim & I cannot understand how you can be away from your kids this long. Who is watching them? Lauren H. gets a rose. Jubilee is safe, so is Twin B, Caila, Jennifer, Leah (this is the one we know nothing about!!!). It’s down to one rose between Olivia, Amber and the other girl that we don’t really know anything about her. Thanks to the writing at the bottom of the screen I learn she is Rachel, Unemployed from Little Rock. Oliva gets the last rose…for the second week in a row, which I think is just producer fodder to get the monologue from her. Amber pulls it together to say goodbye to Ben. Second time (third time? Was she on Bachelor in Paradise?), not a charm. Girlfriend just takes her shoes off and melts down. Bye Ambular!  
Next stop: Viva Mexico!

Bachelor Recap: The Drama Begins

The episode kicks off with the girls are already talking shit about Olivia…who REALLY does not look good without make-up. Rumor has it she spent $40,000 on clothes. Um, you’re 23 and currently unemployed so maybe that wasn’t your best move O.
Chris Harrison drops off the first date card. That guy has the easiest job ever. Lauren B gets the first date card. I think this gal is front runner. Also, can I have the number of her facialist? She has gorgeous skin. Ben takes her on a bi-pane. She said she is terrified. Girl, you’re a flight attendant. They do get to wear sweet WWII leather helmets and goggles. They are chatting in the plane and then shared maybe one of the most awkward first little kisses I’ve ever seen. Tim & I both cringed and said “Oh god”. Maybe it was because they had microphones? No matter what, it was tough to watch.
I cannot figure out the temperatures on this show. Ben is always in jeans and long sleeve tops and the girls are in short shorts. The plane lands in a remote location where there is a hot tub. Weird. Clearly this show is sponsored by Jacuzzi. Lauren B changes behind a tree?  Also, Ben has like a novel tattooed on his side. Ben…please. They don’t really talk and pretty much just sit anmake-out in the middle of nowhere.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…Caila tells JoJo that it is just hitting her that there are other girls here and starts hysterically crying. I told you guys that bitch was crazy. Her voice gets ridic while talking about this. If I knew how to embed video, I would do it. Oh, she cries in the confessional too. The chick she is talking to is like “Get me out of here”. Caila, you’ve obviously watched the Bachelor before…you KNOW there are other girls here and that is how this works you maniac.
Back to the date: Lauren B says “like” every other word. I blame the Cali living. Ben says “how has a dude not get grabbed you up already?” Um… because she is 25? Also Ben, how has no one grabbed you up already? He wants to open himself up to her and talks about how his dad had heart problems and had emergency triple bypass surgery. All I can think about while he’s talking is that Ben is kind of sweaty? Or needs some oil sheets or something? Lauren B. seems like a nice and normal girl, and Ben obvi gives her the rose. I see this going far my friends. I see this going far. But they REALLY need to work on their kissing. Oh God, another random concert for two. Back to back awkward concerts.
Date card arrives—group date! Love is the goal. Jubilee is not on the date card, but is excited that means she can go on a one-on-one date this week. The date is at the LA Coliseum which means  lots of spandex on these gals. Two women from the US World Cup soccer team are there to help them out, because not ONE of the girls has played soccer? As a side note, I feel like soccer players have the best bods. Olivia notes that Ben is looking really good in with his blue shirt, and his eyes, and pants. A) Ben has brown eyes. B) They are generic black pants.
Back at the mansion…Jubilee is melting down saying she is too “complicated” for Ben and that he likes the sweet and nice girls. Poor JoJo is on the receiving end of the tears again. She’s going to try to scale the walls to get out of this situation.
Back to this Soccter Date: The teams play one another. Team Stars & Team Stripes. How patriotic. Chris Harrison, looking mighty sporty, shares that the winning team is the only one that gets to continue the date at the “after-party” while the losing team is forced to head back to the mansion. They also make the girls wear buns with their jerseys. Just put them in real soccer shorts producers, please. As it turns out Twin Emily is a pretty amazing goalie. Girl has no problem sacrificing her bod for Ben. It is quite unexpected. Game goes into sudden death, of course. Stripes win thanks to Amber’s goal.
Rachel hurts her knee at some point and the girls carry Rachel back the mansion Keri Strugg/Bela Karolyi style. It is ridiculous.
The After Party. Ben is welcoming all the girls and Olivia interrupts him while he’s talking to pull him away. Again, the girls are all in tiny cocktail dresses and Ben is wearing a leather jacket. Olivia tells Ben the girls find her intimidating. All the girls are talking shit about her—that her toes are gross, her boobs are fake and that she had bad breath. One of the girls pulls Olivia aside and tells her this? I’m not sure why she wants Olivia as an ally but whatever. Olivia was like, “What were they saying? Was it about my calves? My cankles?” and then admits she does have terrible toes.
Date card for the next one-on-one goes to Jubliee. She jumps up like she has won the lottery, which is a little much. Poor JoJo is just there again.
Group Date After-Party. Amber talks to him for like three minutes and then they kiss.  I’m not seeing the chemistry there, but whatever. Apparently Ben does because he gives her the date rose. Olivia is sad she didn’t get a rose but said, “I know his heart”. Girlfriend, it’s been two weeks.
Jubliee’s Date. You guys, the Russian girl spoke! In English! Jubilee gets picked up in a helicopter. She jokingly asked if anyone else wanted to go on her date (because she was scared) and all of the girls acted horribly offended. Get over it ladies. They arrive at a health spa, which is like my dream date. Champagne, delicious snacks (first time I’ve ever seen anyone eat on this show) except Jubilee does not like the caviar and says her go to food is hot dogs. Claire, you got a friend in Jubilee. They played a little shuffleboard and then, surprise, surprise, another hot tub! Ben is either super hot or super embarrassed because he is BRIGHT red this entire experience. I spent this whole segment trying to read Jubilee’s chest tattoo. So far I have “The pastry princess”? Any other guesses? These two are really going deep as Ben probes into Jubilee’s past and we learn that her entire family died except for her. Jesus.  Ben kind of has to give her a rose after this conversation. I mean could you imagine if she was like “My whole family died, and I lived in an orphanage in Haiti” and then he was like “Sorry. Pack your bags sister”.
Back at the house the girls are already talking shit about Jubilee. They’re a catty group and Cailia seems to be at the center of a lot of it. Ben walks into the cocktail party and Olivia’s HUGE mouth welcomes him. Ben then shares that two close family friends died in an airplane crash the night prior. Google research shows that it was his former football coach. This is a rough episode you guys! Ben then says that moments like this make him realize he wants someone in his life that he can sit with during the sad moments. Cue Olivia stealing him, sitting him down and immediately jumps in to how she hates her legs. And her cankles. And then almost starts crying about how this is hard to talk about. Ben’s face says it all. Then in comes the esthetician who offers him a warm hug and a shoulder to lean on.

This Jubilee against the girls thing seems really scripted. Jubliee gives Ben a massage to make him feel better. The girls are so pissed, especially because she has a rose. I get that she doesn’t need time, but she is doing something nice for him at least? Sometimes this show makes me so embarrassed for women. Or maybe just society in general?  The girls (led by Amber) decide to confront Jubilee about her behavior? I don’t really get it. It backfires and Ben heads up to see how she is doing.  People are still really upset about her comment about the date? Girls, get some levity please. Jubilee is sobbing and Amber looks like an idiot. Amber, this is your second time on the show. Have you learned nothing? 
Lace, wearing a stupid dress, pulls Ben to the side while crying (crazytown central). She again says this show has been rough on her, and that she has a lot of work to do on herself. You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself. And then just leaves. What a nut job. Can you imagine what this will do for her real estate career? Geez Louise.
Rose Ceremony:
SHUSHANNA is wearing a pantsuit. There is so much HAIR. Lots of extensions in that room. Twin #1 is nervous that her relationship is not moving as fast as the others. Both twins are safe though. Olivia looks super greasy. Caila is so freaking eager. She’s like a puppy. Take it down a notch girl. Only one rose left and Olivia doesn’t have one? Could it be the fact that his family friends died and she talked about her cankles??!!!! She does in fact get it, and Shushanna and that other girl that was kind of bitchy this episode are let go. The lesson she learned from this experience is “Don’t ever expect anything from humans” which demonstrates that Ben made the right decision. I’m going end this by saying that Olivia is full out delusional. She literally believes they have some sort of unspoken communication. I think I’m going to miss Lace. 
Next week: Vegas Baby!