Bachelorette Recap: The Final Rose

JoJo is staying at maybe the sweetest resort of all time.I would go on this show just for the vacation.

Gets to hand with her family. Is that girl her sister or an in-law? Either way, it would suck if super hot JoJo was in your family. Also, what is she wearing? I’m not hip to the trends but this is pretty hideous.

Jordan wears tight jeans and a gray t-shirt go meet her family. Meanwhile his brothers are in button downs. Like, step it up a notch dude. He did bring hats for the whole family which is fun. JoJo’s mom initially thinks that Jordan is a playboy. Called it girlfriend! She’s had some weird work done, especially in the mouth region. Mom says, “Give me your word that you will not break my daughters heart” and he says “Absolutely not”. Mama tells JoJo that she thinks they are too much alike, but JoJo is not rally listening to it

Dad talks to Jordan about JoJo’s trust issues, but I kinda can’t stop looking at his mustache. And the fact that he’s dressed like a postal worker. Jordan must have been distracted too, because he didn’t ask her dad for permission to marry her. Next scene JoJo to camera: “He wouldn’t proposes to me unless he knew he had my father’s permission so I’m pretty confident that Jordan asked”. Um…

Robby arrives in a starched button down and shorts and flip flops, so maybe dressing up isn’t their thing. Or maybe it’s just 8 million degrees. You guys, I forgot that Robby brought the personalized wine bottle when getting out of the limo in homage to JoJo’s mom. Extra five points awarded to Robby right now. Mom is on my side saying he has a gentle demeanor and wasn’t “flying off the roof”. (Like Jordan)

It is so weird that they just sit around a table and talk about their love. I could not imagine recounting all of these details with my family. Really awkward.m

She sits down with the bros and they say, “You’re not picking someone to be your New Year’s Eve date.” Good point buddy.

Robby reassures mom that he won’t break her heart and he will build his life around her. “Every moment I spend with her, that love grows”. Blech. He then sits down with both of them to tell them she will be his #1 priority and then asks for permission to marry her in a very lovely way. I maybe got a little teared up here. #hormones Good old papa gets teary-eyed too. Family is on board with Robby. He is more “husband material” and “a logical fit”. JoJo finds out that Jordan didn’t ask for her hand in marriage and she is upset. Her brothers are asking some good questions and bringing up some good points, like why is she jumping in to defend Jordan. Also, who is this random ass silent girl that just sits on the couch?finale12

Last Date with Robby
These two take a tuk tuk to the beach, where we get a gratuitous shot of JoJo’s boobs that make me hate myself and my old mom pancakes. They picnic by the beach drinking tasty beverages from coconuts. Robby paints their future where they are sitting on the couch enjoying wine while the kids play in the other room and laughing because dinner burned. Oh Robby. Robby. This will not happen. Your wine will get warm while you’re reading/playing with the kids who definitely will not let you sit on the couch in peace and you will be pissed that meatloaf burned. But, it’s a cute thought.jojo straddling robby on beach

Robby is rocking hotel slippers again. He loves them. Basically Robby loves JoJo, excuse me, cherishes JoJo the way she wants to be cherished. But he’s still not it. He gives her photos of their time together, which is less cheesy than what some of these people have done in the past and he can’t wait until JoJo tells him she loves him.

Last date with Jordan
Oh God you guys, Jordan is sweating BUCKETS on this boat. How does JoJo still have her hair down in this heat? Jordan is super enthusiastic about her family and apparently her sister. Why was she silent? Maybe she secretly hates her super hot sister? I would! JoJo calls Jordan out on not asking her dad for permission and she said that makes her think that he is not ready. He tells her that he didn’t feel like he could ask without knowing it is him in the long run. Basically they are talking in circles.This is face during the entire conversation. finale10

JoJo tells him that night that he had a moment he didn’t take and it devastates her. He didn’t really apologize and just said “It sucks”. And then I scrolled through Instagram and tuned out because I’m OVER. IT. The talking is so boring.

YES! Neil Lane! The first ring Robby picks up is hideous. He picks something that has channel diamonds on the side? Boo.

Obviously Jordan calls Joe and Soraya and asks for their permission. His hand is shaking, which seems legit. They say he has their blessing. As parents, wouldn’t it be so weird to give your blessing to two different men? Especially two men you didn’t know?

Jordan also meets with Neil. I wonder who gets the first pick? Jordan picks a beautiful oval cut with a pave band. Definitely the better choice. Nice work Jordan! I’d be happy with that bad boy.

JoJo tells us that she had a moment of clarity that morning and knows what she is going to do. And then Jordan’s note is delivered and she starts sobbing saying, “It’s everything I want”. Oh, Robby also wrote a note! No socks for Robby on proposal day guys! Gotta keep it consistent. Both fellas wear blue suits and have perfectly coiffed hair.

The Proposal
Did Robby put on socks in the car? He’s the first one out which is NOT a good sign and her face when she sees him is also not a good sign.finale15

Robby immediately starts talking, which we learned from JoJo last year, is a BAD MOVE. She looks pained the whole time he is talking to him and tells him that she can’t let him get down on one knee because she doesn’t want to take that moment from him. She says, “I wanted it to be you buy for some reason my heart is somewhere else”. He asks her what’s missing. Poor Robby. He walks away and she is “heartbroken”, cries on the beach and takes her shoes off.

I feel like you should be able to do an outfit change between dumping a guy and getting proposed to. That should not be the same dress right? I like this dress but I also think it maybe looks like a nightgown?

Jordan and his incredibly slim cut suit put together a nice little speech for JoJo. “you’re my best friend. You’re my soulmate. I’m going to keep you safe and I want to wake up  next to you every day”. I’m actual pretty happy for them even though I know he’s going to cheat on her and it won’t last. To true love!jordan proposing to jojo
I did not have it in me to watch ANOTHER hour of this nonsense so didn’t view After the Final Rose. Maybe this weekend if you’re lucky!

Bachelorette Recap: Fantasy Suites Edition

Last we saw Luke told JoJo he loved her on an airplane runway and she collapsed on the ground Jordan’s hair is at an all-time high. He gets the first rose. Robby gets the second. And Chase gets the third. Luke and his tiny forehead look shocked. JoJo cries when she tells him that she always felt so connected to him but never knew where he stood.  “We never know what we could have had. I wanted to fall in love with you, but I never got to see it through.” He has dead eyes.  Name that movie.
I am actually pretty shocked she let him go. I would have thought Luke would be in the top two. Chase is so boring and Robby is ridiculous. Luke wins for best family. And most bow legged.

FANTASY SUITES!

Chase, Robby, Jordan and JoJo head to Thailand. Get me there. I can’t wait to see how sweaty the dudes get on this trip. Robby shows up on a tuk tuk (I think that’s what they are called?) and he is the tannest person of all time. They’re at a market during a monsoon and then got a thai foot massage, which I would pay one million dollars for right now, even though it probably costs like $10. Robby shows up to dinner in like white jodhpurs? No socks, obviously. JoJo still doesn’t really trust Robby could fall in love so quickly and asked what his family thought. They all agreed it was quick but think it is real. Robby then shares a note his Dad left him in his pocket to eschew any doubts about his feelings for her. Then she gives him the Fantasy Suite which he willingly accepts, with a slight layer of sweat all over his face. And then he starts calling her Joelle. “I want to be that guy that is late to work because I don’t want to get out of bed next to her and the guy that leaves work early to get home to her.” Robby, I hope none of your future employers are watching! JoJo says (not to him) that she knows she loves Robby and she’s looking forward to having intimate time with him, and almost starts tearing up about being loved and wanted. I think, despite girlfriends great looks, she maybe doesn’t have the best self-esteem. She says she wanted to tell him that she loves him, but she doesn’t want to do that to anyone unless she knows it will be the person she will end up with. Either way, they spent the night together and had breakfast just on some random plates at the foot of their bed. jojo and robby fantasy suite
Jordan leaps off a boat to meet JoJo for a hike. Jordan’s walk is so feminine. He’s got a lot of bounce in that step. Oh my god you guys, he has NO hair on his arms. None. Like, he must wax them or something? I wish I could get a photo that would show you this. Just trust me. They hike down to a temple in a cave, which is pretty darn cool. They are not allowed to kiss in the cave, which is hard for them because really all they have is chemistry. She asks, “Is this guy too good to be true?” Answer: Yes. Jordan seems nervous about talking to JoJo’s dad. He wants her family to like him, which, I’m guessing the brothers will not. She asks him what the next year looks like and he says, “I don’t know. That’s a hard question.” He responds that he doesn’t have or ‘need’ a home base right now. What does this guy do for work? He appeases her with some line about how he’s never felt that way before and he thinks of her when he thinks of getting down on one knee, blah blah blah. She gives him the fantasy suite card. The next morning Jordan says “We took a big step last night in a really exciting direction” with a really creepster goofy smile on this face. JoJo is confused because she’s in love with two men. Now you know how Ben felt girlfriend?
I like Chase today. He seems like the most fun of the boys and they have a nice sweaty date on some secluded island with passionate kissing.chase kissing fish on bachelorette

Robby comes and visit JoJo smack dab while she is in between the day and night part of her date. He keeps telling her how much he misses her and tells her he’s ready to get down on one knee and be her husband.

Chase finally gets time JoJo again. I feel bad for the dude–he is sweating so much. Chase feels like he’s battled through this more than the others, which I agree, and he doesn’t want to be scared anymore. He tells her confidently that he wants a future with her/us. She gives him the fantasy suite key while their steaks go untouched in front of them. That’s how these guys stay so fit–they never eat!

At the suite, he tells her that he’s 100% in love with her and he has never said that first. And then she says to us “I didn’t feel the way I thought I would feel” and then my DVR stops recording because it’s been two hours even though the first 40 minutes was election stuff. I cannot type what I said aloud, but I imagine it to be something like what Chase said when she dumped him AFTER she gave him the key? That’s a dick move JoJo. A dick move.

I have no idea what else happened, so someone fill me in. Also, I haven’t even watched Men Tell All yet. I’m the worst.

 

Bachelorette Recap: The Final Four

I realized this is a day late and a dollar short, as I’m recapping LAST week’s episode. I haven’t even watched the two from this week. I have many excuses, but they all deserve their own post. Anyway, my faint promise to you is to try to get caught up this weekend. Maybe.
Well, we started with 25 guys and now we’re down to the FINAL FOUR: Robby, Jordan, Luke and Chase. What a lame crew with a lot of amazing hair products.
The show kicks off in Highlands Ranch, Colorado where JoJo meets Chase, who is just standing in like a foot of snow waiting for her. He tells us/her that hisarents got divorced when he was 8 years old, but his dad  and his opinions mean a lot to me so she will be meeting his parents separately. JoJo has concerns because he’s not very vulnerable nor has he opened up that much, but thinks that it may be due to his family situation. She wants him to “open his heart”. I feel like there was a lot less of this stupid phrase on this season that in the past, amiright?chase and jojo hometown date
Chase owns a GINORMOUS single family home with a three car garage? With no stair rail, which is slightly unsettling. Like he couldn’t have gotten a buddy to come in there and fix that before the show?chase and jojo hometown date Chase’s dad comes over and for some reason, on national television, in front of his new girlfriend, Chase confronts his dad over why his first marriage didn’t work out. Why wouldn’t you ask that 20 years ago? Or like , off camera?
JoJo then gets to meet the rest of the family, which includes his mom, brother-in-law, sister, stepdad and nephew. JoJo seems really into Chase this episode—maybe more than I’ve ever seen before. JoJo and Chase’s mom go sit outside on what you think is a bench but its actually a chair lift! Genius! Move me to Colorado STAT! Chase’s sister is pretty boring. I checked out on that convo real quick, but I’m really into the mom. Chase finally tells JoJo how he feels about her and he feels “a sigh of relief”.
JoJo heads to beautiful Chico, California (insert sarcasm font here) to meet Jordan and his family. In my head, they lived in Wisconsin, obviously. You guys, Jordan has GOT to stop wearing those jeans. They are legit jeggings. Also, the wind blowing his hair is unreal. Jordan takes her to his high school to meet his football coach. FYI, Tim and I have been together for eight years and have never once taken one another to our high schools on numerous trips home. That is just such an odd place to go, unless you peaked in high school. Although, to be fair, that is not much to do in Chico. They make out in the library and then go look at the millions of photos of him around the locker room. JoJo sees a photo of Aaron in the room and points it out to Jordan, who ignores it, and then when she brings it up again while hanging out in the stadium and he gets super weird and is like “it’s not an issue”. I’m with JoJo-I’d want to get to the bottom of that.
The Rogers family has an ENORMOUS fountain outside their home in a gated community. Aaron must be helping out somehow. She meets, Darla, Ed, Luke and his girlfriend Lindsay who has joined in on the big hair bandwagon. I need like twenty minutes to figure out what is going on with that ‘do. It’s unreal. Do you think Luke is sad that he is the ugliest and least talented brother? Didn’t stop him for wearing those tight ass jeans though. She asks Luke about the Aaron situation and he is like “we’re all pretty sad about it and want to be a family again”. YOU GUYS, WHAT HAPPENED WITH AARON? But I like Luke. He seems like a nice and normal man, despite that hair. 
Oh God, what is the Dad wearing on his legs? The seams on those jeans are like whoa. Also, he maybe looks like Herman Muenster?jojo with jordan's dad on hometown dates Mom seems like a space cadet, or not genuine? Maybe it’s just her breathy voice?  Jordan tells JoJo that he’s in love with her and she says “a part of me is scared that if it is you and I at the end of this, will you want it to be forever?” and then he kind of smirks?! And then he’s pissed that she still doesn’t trust him, but I don’t either. Jordan…I know it, you know, JoJo knows it but doesn’t want to know it…you’re an asshole and you’re going to break her heart.
JoJo heads to St. Augustine to visit Robby with the good hair. Tim thinks he is the douchiest of the guys. I think Jordan is. What’s your vote? JoJo lets out a killer whistle and along comes a horse drawn carriage. St. Augustine is cute. I went there once when I was like 11 and lost my retainer at a restaurant and my mom almost killed me. My retainer was glow in the dark, by the way, which was super cool. JoJo tells Robby that she is concerned about his timeline, considering he just broke up with a serious multi-year girlfriend three months ago.  She says, “I don’t want to fill a void for you.” Robby lets her know it’s a non-issue, which means it is going to be an issue.jojo and robby on hometown dates
JoJo meets Robby’s mom, dad (Coach Hayes), two sisters, a brother-in-law, and two younger brothers. The family is sitting around drinking cocktails and eating snacks—my kind of family! Both brothers pull Robby aside and all three of them have the same hair. JoJO hangs with the mom (Holly) and says that Robby is the most vulnerable and in touch with his feelings, and then asks if Robby is ready to be engaged. Holly says that if he says he is ready, he is ready, and JoJo then tells the mom that she is falling in love with him. Really?
Robby hangs with his mom, who has to tell him that out in the world is the rumor that he broke up with the ex-girlfriend to go on the show, started by the ex’s roommate. Robby tells JoJo the rumor, and she basically doesn’t believe him. He reassures her that his relationship with Hope was over 9 months before it actually ended. Ugh. I’m so bored with this. But props to Robby for addressing it head on I guess?
Next up: Burnet, Texas to visit Luke. And for the first time ever I realized Luke is as bowlegged as a mother! I have never noticed it before and now I cannot unsee it. Luke drives her down some dirt road to the family ranch, where he is hosting an enormous family BBQ. JoJo meets his mom, dad, sister and 50 of his closest friends, which is weird right? Maybe less pressure though because its’ more of a party and you’re not having dinner with three people? There is some terrible hair in that audience—mullets, dyed bright red. Also lots of croakies, which are the worst. Luke’s mom is darling and his Dad rocks a cowboy hat like a champ. Luke is planning on telling JoJo “you have my heart”. Never in my 35 years on this planet has anyone said anything like that to me, and for that, I am thankful. You guys, Luke’s dad is my favorite man on this show. He teared up talking about how proud he was of Luke serving the country and coming home safely. Plus he can BBQ. Luke’s dad would get my final rose. Maybe Gramps too.luke with his dad on bachelorette
Luke  and JoJo ride horses out into a gorgeous field to a couch made of haybales and now I want to live in Texas and have this in my backyard. As the sun sets beautifully behind them, Luke says, “My heart gets more and more involved”. What does that even mean? Then they walk down a path of candles to a heart of flower petals and he tells her that his heart is hers. Cheeseball city. I would run for that black blazer so fast. And while JoJo doesn’t quite do that, she doesn’t seem as torn up to leave him as she did the other few fellas.14
The rose ceremony takes place at an airport hangar, which is “unique”. JoJo is wearing an electric blue sequin gown. She looks like a mermaid.  Didn’t she wear a bright blue mermaid gown a few weeks ago? She walks into the rose ceremony, is pretty emotional, and tells us that she thinks she needs to say goodbye to Luke, which is too bad because I liked his family the best. Just as she’s about to give out the first rose, Luke says “JoJo, can I talk for you a sec?” and he pulls her aside. He tells her that maybe he didn’t say what he needed to say the other night and wanted to make sure she knew that he is in love with her. She tells him that is what she’s been waiting to hear, thanks him and then walks away swearing saying “of course it changes things”. Like honestly, what is the ACTUAL difference between “I’m falling in love with you” and “My heart is yours”. Nothing. Girlfriend is crouched on the floor sobbing. Can’t someone get her a chair? jojo in blue sequin dressAnd can someone get me these boobs? Of course, this episode is TO BE CONTINUED.
Hold on your hats for a two episodes next week! We’ll find out who gets the rose plus Men Tell All.

Bachelorette Recap: I Gaucho Get JoJo’s Bod

This is the last round before hometowns. Six guys left. Three one-on-one dates and a group date. All of the guys have had a one-on-one with JoJo except for Alex, who, obviously gets the first date card.
One-on-One Date: Alex, I Gaucho On My Mind
Why does Alex wear army boots on every date?! We get it, you’re a marine. Also, stop tucking your pants into them. That DOES NOT elongate your mini-legs. BootsJoJo says she’s really comfortable with him, but she’s not feeling it romantically. They make Pringles duck faces which is always a good time to me, but there seems to be a lot of silence between the two of them.jojo and alex road trip
The rest of the boys ride to countryside in a ridiculous bus. James is wearing a dumb tank top and Robby is legit wearing the slippers from the hotel. This must be a long ass bus ride because they have time to make up a rap about how tiny Alex is.img_1205
Alex and JoJo finally arrive at their destination where they will be gauchos for the day. Alex comes out in a “gaucho costume” and looks ridiculous. JoJo is pretty much wearing suede bell bottoms. alex as gaucho on bacheloretteThey ride through the countryside and witness some horse yoga/massage. And now I want an Argentinian horse. This horse is like, “Stop making out on my head you little effers.”jo jo and alex snuggling horse
The boys arrive at a sweet polo club where they will stay for a week and I’m wondering again about what those poor girls on Chris Soules season did to deserve their terrible locales. You guys, James Taylor’s arm tattoo is an enormous eagle head over an even more ginormous American flag. Yikes.james taylor tattoo bachelorette
Alex and JoJo chat it up over some delicious Argentinian wine and he tells her that he’s falling in love with her and she has no response. Literally, nothing. Not a “thank you”, not an “I appreciate that”. Stunned silence and then she says, “When you tell me you’re falling in love with me, I don’t feel as excited as I should feel. In my heart, I don’t think I would get to that point.”  Ooof. JoJo, you obviously felt like this going into today, so why did you spend hours making out with him? She could have at least been more aloof so he wasn’t so blindsided. I don’t like the guy, but I actually feel bad for him. Bye Alex!
One-on-One Date: Jordan, Let’s Toast to Love!
Jordan and JoJo take a private jet to Mendoza to go wine tasting. They start by crushing grapes I Love Lucy style and then drinking the juice, which is nasty. Jordan is wearing swim trunks maybe? jojo and jordan stomping grapes on bacheloretteOh, ok. They hit up a hot tub next so that makes sense. Is it weird/creepy that I spend my time looking at JoJo in a bikini as opposed to any of the guys when they are shirtless? She’s just so dang attractive! At dinner, they got into it. If she goes home she’ll meet mom, dad, and older brother Luke, and the bulldog, Carl Weathers. Jordan shares that he doesn’t have a close relationship with Aaron. Jordan chose to stay close with his family and Aaron did not. Doesn’t have hard feelings against him and he loves him, but they don’t talk. Jordan really opened up about being disappointed in everything he did because he couldn’t live up to coach’s expectations, as he followed in the footsteps of someone who did it the best. And now I like Jordan more than I have the entire season even though he is probably still a douche. Jordan tells her he’s so in love with her as their food goes cold in front of them. They must spend thousands of dollars on wasted food. JoJo’s response was much warmer than the other reaction to the other two, with a “That makes me so happy” and a major make-out sesh against a wall in a back alley. Pure romance.
Date card! Chase, James and Robby: Let Our Love Soar
It’s pouring down rain. They were supposed to do a fun adventure outdoors, but instead are “gonna kick it”. James starts it off by shoving a million fries in his mouth, then they do a massage train, which I want to do, followed by Bachelor Heads Up which I would be fab at. JoJo dares Robby to strip to his undies and run through the halls. He knocks on all the doors and shows his butt and apologizes to his MeeMaw and now Robby is my fave. He tells her in their one/on/one time together that he dated someone for three years and they just broke up about 4 months ago. That makes her a little nervous, but let’s all recall she was ready to engaged to Ben a few short months ago.
JoJo and Chase had a long talk, but I was too busy reading an article in Us Weekly titled, “Woman Slut Shames Taylor Swift, Compares her Vagina to Ham Sandwich”. http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/woman-compares-taylor-swifts-vagina-to-a-ham-sandwich-w212607
James T addresses the elephant in the room with JoJo and acknowledges that fact that she has more of a physical attraction with other guys, and she responds very nicely with a “You have the qualities I would want in a husband and father”. Basically, she knows she should marry someone like JT, but the passion just isn’t there. Sorry James Taylor, you’re just too nice. Also: james taylot eating french fries on bachelorette
JoJo gives the rose to Robby, and prefaces it by saying she feels really confident in her choice and is excited to meet that person’s family. Because Robby gets the rose, he gets to spend more time with JoJOa nd peaces out the other two fellas.
One-on-One: Luke
Luke makes a much better cowboy than Alex and really looks the part. Snowflake the pony is my favorite part. FYI, JoJo’s riding boots are from Old Navy. OLD NAVY. I somehow discovered her Bachelorette stylists’ instagram and he tells you where every outfit is from, which is pretty sweet.jojo and luke with horse JoJo really tailor made this date for Luke–horse back riding and clay pigeon shooting. He’s real manly. Also, did anyone notice he said “my family’s ranch”? Are all these folks just super rich? Either way, girlfriend is all about him and says “I can see a life with Luke.” I’m still not seeing it girl.
Rose Ceremony
Luke’s date is cut short and they go straight into the rose ceremony, but not before going for a leisurely ride in a horse drawn carriage. Robby is safe. Luke gets the first rose, Jordan gets the second and Chase gets the third. Sorry James Taylor. Maybe you shouldn’t have worn an electric blue button down to the rose ceremony. JoJo feels really bad about this one. She starts crying, tells him that he has made her a better person and hopes he finds someone that loves him the way he loves.bachelorette jojo crying He handles this quite nicely! No anger or frustration, just wishes her the best. And, in the classiest move, says nothing while in the van riding off into the sunset.I’m sure this heartbreak will give him some great songwriting material.
Next week: Hometown Dates!

Bachelorette Recap: Do Cry for Me Argentina (if you’re Derek)

This week takes us to Buenos Aires, which is filled with many men wearing berets.BA tourism must be paying ABC hardcore. They cannot stop raving about how they will find love in Paris, it’s the most romantic place, blah blah blah. Move over Paris.
Chris welcomes the boys and tells them there is another two on one this week and everyone is worked up. Apparently this is the first time they’ve ever had two two-on-ones in one season? Then the boys walk through BA in the most ridiculous get ups. Luke is wearing cammo joggers, Jordan is in leggings, Robby is in a black v-neck and a black blazer and 80’s jeans.Where do these guys shop? Als, ALex is a good foot shorter than the rest of these dudes. He looks like a little kid. bachelorette in buenos aires
One-On-One: Besame! Besame Muchacho!
Wells gets the one on one date. His hair is bad, girls. Real bad. He admits he’s the only guy who hasn’t kissed her yet. Oh geez, Wells changed into a ridic leather moto jacket for his date. When JoJo picks him up Luke goes “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” . Guy, you’re 30+. Let’s get over it.Wells looks nervous .145
These two walk through BA and then participate in some sort of performance art that I do not understand. But Wells gets to wear spandex leggings so that’s cool. Finally these two kiss and JoJo celebrates with “That was the moment Wells! We did it!” She’s the best. wells kissing jojo
We learn about Wells’ last relationship, which he sweats through. JoJo is actually sweating too. They are all alone in a giant mansion–couldn’t they get like a fan in there or something? Maybe open a window? They seem to have a decent connection but she is nervous that he seems skeptical about love and finding long term passion. She lets him down with a “there is something that was not 100% what I want it to be” and almost starts crying. Then he does?! Breaking up with people left and right would be THE. WORST.
Group Date: Living La Vida Boca 
Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex are on this adventure, which means Derrick and Chase are on the two-on-one. Chase turns into a d-bag and says “Derrick has nothing over me”. These fools hang with JoJo on a Sunday afternoon exploring a neighborhood. Oh my gosh you guys, poor James! He says he feels like he stumbled onto a set because he’s not a sexy dude. They stop for a soccer match and somehow JoJo is able to wrangle up some sneakers despite the fact that she was rocking heeled boots the rest of the date. They do a penalty kick off for a kiss with JoJo and HOORAY! James wins and gives her the teeniest little peck. JAMES! Lay one on her.jojo playing soccer in buenos aires
Luke and JoJo are wearing matching black leather moto jackets. I have not seen ONE man wearing these jackets in real life. ? I’m not going to summarize what these two yahoos are talking about but they are obsessed with each other and she cannot keep her hands off him. “We have that physical connection down”. No shit. Watching these two kiss in slo-mo with sound effects makes me want to puke. My phone autocorrected puke to Luke, which is appropriate.
James has his one-on-one time with JoJo and as if he has never seen the show before, spends his time with her talking about someone else. YOU GUYS!! This will get you sent home. James doesn’t even articulate well why Jordan isn’t good for her either, which is just useless. They kiss and it has about 1/10th the passion of what she has with Luke.
JoJo pulls Jordan aside (side note, he is also wearing a leather moto jacket) and calls him out on the altercation between him and James. JoJo, this is a bad move too. You could have brought this up more delicately than “James just told me…”. She then gets distracted by that mane and begins running her fingers through it. jordan's poofy hair on bacheloretteJordan is pissed and calls James out while everyone else is sitting there. It’s awkward.143 Luke and his loud kissing and gropey hands get the rose.
Two on One Date: It Takes Two 
These are the worst for all involved, including the audience. Made even worse is the fact that they have to do a three person tango with the most boobalicious instructor of all time.jojo tango with chase and derek
Derrick rubs me the wrong way. He tells her he’s falling in love with her and she responds with “I appreciate that”. MmmmHmmm. I can hear these two kissing. Gross. Gah-ross. Jojo’s dress has half a foot of net on the bottom. Like a nylon.
Seems like she isn’t feeling it with Chase. Or rather, she feels like he isn’t feeling it. But she tells him that she understands how he feels because she was there and she wishes she had told Ben earlier. So Chase gives it a whirl. And Derrick goes home while JoJo cries on the sidewalk for one minute before she slow dances in an empty room while giggling with Chase. jojo and chase don't cry for me argentina  Derrick leaves us with talking in the third person. “Derrick is imperfect”. The scenes of Derrick crying while some woman we have never heard of sings “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” is some of the producers best work.
Rose Ceremony
JoJo shows up in a pretty dramatic gown for a rose ceremony. As a reminder, Chase and Luke are safe. Tim walks in while I’m watching and sees Alex and is like “UGH. He’s still here?” My sentiments exactly. What the nuts is he wearing? Does he have no neck? A super big collar?
Jordan totally redeems himself and says he wants to “do life with her”. Alex is mad he hasn’t had a one-on-one but tries to play it cool. We then hear them kiss. ENOUGH! James needs to work on his self-esteem. Girls do not like boys who are constantly putting themselves down James (“there are guys here who make more cash, there are guys here who are better looking, heck, there are guys here that are probably smarter”). Ok, we get it.
JoJo goes out to have a pep talk with Chris Harrison. She comes back in and gives the first rose to Robby (that hair is like a manicured wave) and the second to Jordan. JoJo looks like she is going to throw up and then leaves the room. Side note: this episode has made me want to get a navy mani real bad. JoJo tells C. H., “I don’t want to give this rose out” and hands the rose to him. Does this mean she wants both guys? Doesn’t want either guy? She tells the fellas she couldn’t hand out that final rose and then good ol’ Chris marches in with two roses. Oh Bachelorette, you’re full of twists.harrison delivering jojo 2 roses
James is super grateful for the rose. Alex thinks it’s a pity rose. Guys, I would not pick ANY of these dudes for my husband. Or maybe even my boyfriend. It’s a lame crew for what may be my fave Bachelorette (except for maybe Jillian).

Bachelorette Recap:Alex is the New Enemy

As a reminder, JoJo dumps Chad in the woods and walks off into the sunset with Lord Farkwad. The boys pop champagne and legit new year poppers to celebrate the news, while Chad marches through the woods to go find Alex. chad scraping door

The boys gather to “honor arguably the worst person anybody has ever met” by spreading his protein powder ‘ashes’. Meanwhile Chad whistles his way through the forest back to the house where the boys are all staying. The boys all gather around and have a pointless conversation with him in which nothing is resolved and then Chad walks away into the wilderness. The boys then celebrate Alex upon his arrival home by carrying hi on their shoulders and smashing him in the face with cupcakes. cake in chad's face

Cocktail Party Time!

JoJo shows up rocking a dress that looks like a molting seagull but in a hot way. Chase says he and JoJo have “instant comfortability” with one another. That’s not a  word Chase. Robby reminds me of Scott Disick- a suit and tie with no socks, gross.

One of the guys, I have no idea who, says that he wrote her a poem a few weeks ago that he has been carrying it around with him in his pocket: Her heart is like a treasure, her dream is not far away. And whenever she decides to hand someone the key, that man should let her know and daily help her see, the wonder that is her, the beauty that is she. Yuck. She sits there with a creeped out look on her face until Alex shows up to chat with her. Luke also takes time with her, which really isn’t fair. If you have a rose, back off dudes. Also, his forehead is so small or something? These two really like one another but I am not feeling him. Jordan takes her around the corner and pretty much throws her up against the wall. Yowza. She eats him and that terrible hair right up. jordan kissing JoJo against wall

Rose Ceremony Safe this week: Derrick (Tim calls him a cheesedick), Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny (seriously? he’s wearing a chartreuse shirt), James T. She gives the final rose to EVAN!! She sends the Canadian and the poet home. Was the poet the boxing club owner?

On to Uruguay! 

The boys are staying at The Grand Hotel which, according to Evan, has a 360* view of the ocean. So…are you in the ocean? Is this an island? Jordan gets the first one-on-one date, and as soon as he leave everyone starts talking a lot of shit about him. They go on a boat out to seal island where  they whip on some wetsuits and jump in some nasty water.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the boys are reading gossip mags with tell alls from her ex-boyfriend. Luke, Derrick, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells and Alex get the group date but now they’re all down on JoJo and don’t think she’s there for the right reasons.

Back at the date, JoJo shares that she met one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends. He gets super awkward, takes a big sip of his drink and says “I don’t even know what to say”. She straight out asks if he cheated and he denied it, but he knows the kind of man he is and has learned his lesson. Could you guys imagine having this conversation on your first real date? Sidenote: I really like JoJo-she’s so real. She gives Jordan the rose and I really hope he doesn’t break her heart. I also hope he stops wearing leggings.

Poor girlfriend is chatting about her great day, and the producer shows her the article. It’s not a good scene. FYI, guys, this is her ex-boyfriend Chad. So apparently she has a thing for pompadours. He looks like such a d-bag. JoJo walks in to address the article with the boys and they all now fully trust her. Quick turnaround boys. Also, I think maybe Vinny is growing on me?

Group Date: Sand Surfing! 

So far the weather in Uruguay is unimpressive.And sand surfing doesn’t seem to be anything I’m interested in doing. Also, have you noticed that the boy dates get to do fun activities and on The Bachelor the girls have to do dumb stuff like pose naked for pet calendars or get their sweat bottled up for phermones?

Oh my god, Derrick has a bead of sweat on his forehead while talking to her. Get it together  guy. Alex has decided that Derrick is the bad guy, disingenuous, and doesn’t have enough self-confidence for JoJo (actually he calls him ‘an insecure little bitch’), which of course makes me dislike Alex. JoJo gives the rose to Derrick who “needs reassurance”.

Also, every single guy is wearing tight pants, a v-neck t-shirt and a blazer. Is this a look? What happened to a nice pretty button down?

One-on-One with Robby! 

Honestly, if this was my entire date I would have been happy.

These two knucklheads have a fun day exploring Punta Del Este (?) and eating one bite of their arepas. They decide to leap of a cliff into the water, and Robby’s swim trunks are my fave. I also love that these two are wearing aquasocks. Nothing sexier. 

Robby tells us (JoJo) that his best friend died last year in an insanely tragic way. It forced Robby to re-examine his life and he then quit his job, moved cities and ended his relationship of three years. Robby tells her he’s in love with her and she said, “Thank you so much.” Eeeeeee! But he does get the rose, and they go for a stroll, leaving two delicious steaks and a lame, undressed sitting uneaten on a plate. I will say, this date makes me like Robby much more. Robby, are you my sleeper?

Cocktail Party Rose Ceremony

Derrick pulls Jordan, Robby, Alex and Chase outside to tell them he felt targeted and that they are like a high school clique. The guys are worked up about it. Everyone just focus on yourselves. Grant wants to stay above the drama. Give me more Grant!

Chris Harrison marches in and tells the guys that JoJo has made her mind up, there is no cocktail party tonight and three guys are going home. Alex just keeps calling people “little bitches” and now he is my least favorite person on the show. Someone on twitter called Alex the Regina George of the season. Genius. 

JoJo struts in to the rose ceremony and Tim and I both went “whoa”. That green dress is SMOKING. green dress

Safe tonight: Luke, Chase, Alex (BOOOOOO!!), James and Wells. Going home are Grant, Vinny and Evan. All white dudes from here on out! Evan felt like this was “daggers through the heart”. I feel like he has some low self-esteem. Poor Grant is both hurt and confused. Vinny and his aqua tie are sad but he tries to keep it together.

Next Week: Buenos Aires

Bachelorette Recap: Villains Gotta Vil Round 2

Before we head into this recap, someone turned the below ridiculousness into a gif and I can’t stop laughing at it:
We kick this episode off with a pool party in lieu of a cocktail party, which seems way more fun for everyone. JoJo is in loooooorve with Jordan. She is wrapped around him like a blanket. But she also kisses Robby? I don’t see it. 
She gets some time with Chad who attempts to explain his, “Seriously? You’re vibing this guy?” by saying that if she likes Evan, there is no way she can like him. Which, yeah. Alex wastes his time with JoJo talking about Chad. She also kisses Derrick after he shares his take on Chad, which I honestly don’t get. Like, you can’t have chemistry with ALL these guys?Chad approaches Derick after and asks why he keeps talking shit about him. Derrick handled himself quite nicely, actually. I really didn’t pay attention to anything they said because i was distracted by their necklace microphones. 
Remember that James Taylor, Evan and Chase are safe heading into this rose ceremony. Safe this time: Grant (rockin’ the suspenders), Derrick, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny (really? Still?), Daniel, Alex. It’s between Nick, Ari, Christian and Chad. Obviously the producers will not let Chad go home. Sorry boys. Also, goodbye all other non-white guys! Grant, you’re the sole survivor!
Pack Your Bags! You’re going to a random ass town in Pennsylvania!  Evan says the place they’re staying is “manly and rugged” and he “feels really comfortable”. Dude, I think not.
Luke Gets the First One-on-One: I Like You Very Mush
Dog sledding! My head would 100% explode on this date. I might like it more than swimming with pigs. What is Luke wearing? Skinny jeans and a leather moto jacket? Basically what I would wear out on a date. JoJo jumps in the tub and yells, “Oh F*CK!” because it’s hot as hell. Luke has to hold her over it and lower her in like a baby. Something about Luke is off to me. Is it the deep-set eyes? The pointy forehead? He seems a little slow. Their conversation was boring as hell. 
Back at the house the following boys get called for a group date: Derrick, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. Alex and Chad did not get called, which automatically means two-on-one date. So much testosterone on that date.Did you guys notice that Alex is 26 now? In last night’s episode he was 25. Did he have a birthday on the show?
Luke & JoJo go to an empty restaurant in a potentially abandoned town. We learn Luke’s story. That he was recruited from Texas to play football at West Point, which he calls Ivy League, which it’s not. Then he headed to Afghanistan and he lost a buddy. “I live for the things in life that make the hair stand up on the back of your neck…moments like this, when I’m looking into your eyes, and know that your eyes are the eyes I could be looking into for the rest of my life.” Yuck. JoJo eats this up. Which is the only thing she eats because the pasta is sitting untouched on her plate. He gets the rose and then she brings him into a theater full of people who are cheering for them and they have to stand on a stage and be serenaded by some other random band no one has ever heard of. At least now we know where everyone in the town was hiding.
We. Could. Go. All. The. Way.
This group date kicks off in Pittsburgh where JoJo takes the boys to Heinz Field. They are greeted by serial rapist, Ben Roethlisberger. Oh abc. This is a new low. Could you maybe not have featured him so prominently? Especially in light of the Stanford rape factoring so prominently in the news this week. And JoJo, I’m really disappointed you went along with this. Ben asks JoJo who her faves are she throws out Chase, James Taylor, Jordan. Then she says Evan, which, let’s be serious. If Roethlisberger tried to hug me, I would kick him in his nuts so hard. These guys go bonkers while rapey raper-face eats snacks from the stand.
James Taylor gets knocked in the face really hard, needs stitches, but goes back on the field anyway for his girl. Awww. Heinz throws down the challenge. They’re going to play a game. Winner gets to spend the night with JoJo and the losers have to go home.
You guys, Evan is gay right? I mean, no straight man would wear the sweat band over his bangs like that. I feel like the blue team is at an advantage with a former pro quarterback. Evan gets a bloody nose for the second time this season. Team Blue somehow eeks out a win and dumps ice on their coach. Team White heads home licking their wounds. Ostensibly Robby is attractive, but I just do not see it. Also, his hair is ridic. That night JoJo kisses Derrick again. Kisses James T. Kisses Jordan. Girlfriend is a real make-out bandit! But she gives the rose to Jordan.
Two-on-One: Let’s Get Lost!
The date card arrives while all the dudes are sitting cheek to cheek on the couch. Everyone gets real riled up, with Chad yelling at both Alex and Grant threatening them to fight. This guy is asking for it. Chad is such a creeper—he is constantly hovering at the edge of conversations. And then he goes after Jordan:  “When this ends, you’ll go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house?” Then every single dude sits on the couch in silence with Chad hanging in the back. Can’t they get another couch for these guys? FullSizeRender (7)
These two yahoos get on a helicopter for the date and Alex is legit dressed for battle. They go for a hike and then sit three in a row on a rock. These two on one dates are the absolute worst. Alex spends his time talking about Chad, which is so boring. JoJo confronts Chad who really can’t say anything about his actions except for “I haven’t touched anyone” and she then tries to explain away his behavior with the fact that his mom passed away six months ago. Chad comes back to Alex and says, “It’s just unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.” This devolves into a conversation about milk being delicious. Chad, just punch someone and get over it.
JoJo point blank asks Chad if he has threatened people in the house. He responds, “It’s not 100% false.” Probably not what she wanted to hear. She tells him that she doesn’t want someone who is physically violent and can’t get along with others and gives the rose to Alex. Chad marches off and the boys are rejoice when Chad’s bag is taken home with shots of fireball.
abc leaves us with Chad having a total meltdown in the woods. “She’s either an actress or she’s a complete BEEEEEEEEEEPP!” Chad then marches in the dark through the woods and finds his way back to the house. Lets all recall that they took a helicopter to this date, but he hiked home in the dark, whistling all the way. TO BE CONTINUED (again)…