Oh, hello there!

It appears as if my new normal is posting every two months. My bad. Thing is, it isn’t going to get any better. We’ve been busy these past few months with major life changes: growing a baby (due in less than three weeks now), selling our condo in the city and buying a house in the suburbs (post on that to come), switching daycares for our little nugget, losing my Grandma, and an insane amount of work travel for Tim.
Poor babe numero dos has gotten the shaft. We’ve taken maybe four photos of this pregnancy (as opposed to cutesy weekly photos when I was pregnant with Emma), the nursery is not yet complete and we just started thinking about baby names last night. Dear baby, I promise you are very loved and I will pay attention to you once you arrive. Meanwhile, I’m trying to spend as much time with your big sister as possible and get our new home in order.
A few of you sweet gals have checked in to see if I’ll be doing recaps of this season of The Bachelor. We all know how I feel about Nick Viall (yuck) so honestly I didn’t even watch the first episode! But I figure I will need to do some binge watching while on maternity leave so some sporadic posts may be coming your way.
In the meantime, if anyone has guidance on flipping a breech baby, making decisions on furnishing an entire living room, managing a toddler and a newborn, or losing baby weight in the middle of winter, I’d appreciate it.  Hopefully my next post will be an announcement about our new arrival!



Bachelor Recap: Just Choose Someone Already

First off, what is Chris Harrison wearing? Light blue suit with a wrinkled blue tie? Get it together Harrison. This is the finale god damn it. Chris is downright giddy about tonight and informs us that ABC flew out both families (and Ben’s pastor) in case there is a wedding on After the Final Rose.They flew out both families? One of the families obviously knows their daughter was not chosen right? This show…bachelor ben's pastor
Meet the Parents  
Lauren is still wearing those denim cut off underpants. Oh wait, so is JoJo, although hers are slightly longer and not as Jon Bon Jovi. Would I be wearing these if I was 10 years younger and had these bodies?denim shorts on bachelor
Ben gives us a dramatic and scripted soliloquy  about how he went from being unlovable to being loved by two women…and loving two women back. I honestly think this is impossible. You can’t really want to propose to two women. I think Ben’s mom is on my side, as she said its “disturbing”. Also, does the show have to end in a proposal? Can’t he just choose one girl and have a normal relationship for maybe a year or two (with one woman) and then propose?

Lauren meets the parents. Thankfully she decides to forgo the crop tops for the visit. I think she is pretty boring, but girlfriend has some glowy skin. These things are always so weird. If I was dating someone and met his parents and they asked me if I was in love with their son, I’d be super creeped out and make a run for it. Lauren eats it up and even holds hand with mom. lauren and ben's mom
Amy (Ben’s mom) is my fave. She basically just told Lauren all the bad things about her son, which is hilarious, and rolled her eyes when Lauren said he’s pretty much perfect. Did you guys see the necklace she is wearing though? I’m pretty sure it’s a dolphin jumping through a gold hoop. Yikes.ben's mom bachelor

JoJo meets the parents in a little romper. My relationship with rompers is well documented. She looks cute and is insanely nervous. JoJo tells his parents “it’s a long time coming”. Um, it’s been like 7 weeks.
Verdict from Tim & I: Parents like JoJo best. Other verdict: Ben needs to throw away those maroon jeans. Yuck.

The Last Date
HOW THE EFF DOES LAUREN KEEP WEARING THESE SHORTS??!!! They are so freaking hideous. I would NOT choose Lauren based on these jorts alone. Ben clearly does not mind them. Lauren quizzes Ben on his concerns and his biggest is that it has been perfect since they met which seems too good to be true. Again, it’s been about two months. Things should be easy and perfect the first two months in a relationship. But then he says he “overcame” his challenges with JoJo. I mean, a made up ex boyfriend and a dumb brother? That hardly rocked the boat.Ben and Lauren have a super boring conversation in which she says like about 342 times and they touch foreheads while sitting in silence. And then she cries.ben and lauren

Ben picks up JoJo on the side of the road. They literally dropped her off there to wait. At the Blue Hole (which is now on my bucket list) she asks him if he’s feeling good, and he’s like “um….I’m confused”. Ooof. She hopes she doesn’t end up looking like a fool. Me too JoJo! I like you! I’d pick you! But I wouldn’t want you as a friend because you’re too hot. You guys, can you even imagine what my stomach would look like if I was folded in half like that while being carried by hunky Ben? Yuck. #onepieceforlyfeben and jojo swimming
That night, she asks him what his concern is about their relationship and he doesn’t have one. Dude, you are confusing the shit out of these girls. But then he tells her that they’re best friends. Here is a tip from a married lady Ben: Pick your best friend. JoJo tries to avoid the cameras and get to the bottom of it, and Ben tells her that he loves both of them. She starts sobbing and said she’s tired of competing. Poor JoJo. You won’t have to compete if you’re the next Bachelorette!

Ben meets with Neil Lane who needs to step away from his plastic surgeon. He is picking out one of these ridiculously ornate rings and doesn’t even know who he is going to give it to. Dear Lord. Also, shave your face, you’re proposing today.bachelor ben's engagement ring
The Final Rose
I love when they show the girls getting ready. They look so nervous. Either you’re going to get proposed to or you’re going to get dumped on national television. Yikes. JoJo has a banging bod and her face looks great but that dress is beat. It’s like Miss USA Barbie. I hate that they make these chicks walk like 10 miles across bridges or sand or rocks to get to the guy. JoJo sees him and immediately starts talking. It’s like she is saying her wedding vows. Girlfriend, shut your face and let him say his piece…because the way he is staring at you, he’s gonna dump you. And then he does, but not without saying he still loves her. How awkward will that be when Lauren sees this?ben and jojo
After JoJo leaves, Ben is distraught. If you love someone that much, you should not propose to someone else like 10 minutes later. He gets over quickly and calls Lauren’s dad, whose number is conveniently in his phone, to ask for permission to marry Lauren and then starts cheering. If you were honestly that conflicted, I don’t think there would be this quick turn around Benjamin. Amy and I are very disappointed in you. It was a dick move to treat JoJo that way. If he honestly knew he was going to choose Lauren (which I think he did), he should not have told JoJo that he loved her like a million times including the night before he dumped her and proposed to someone else.

Anyway, he proposes to Lauren, who also looks banging in a gorgeous blue dress,  with that overly complicated Neil Lane ring. (FYI, those rings look a lot better on TV than they do in real life. I saw Jillian Harris’ ring from Ed and it was not that pretty.Did you guys know that Jillian and I were friends for a while? By friends I mean we hung out a few times and she knew who I was and I had a her cell phone number. It was my favorite friendship of all time even though she probably has no recollection of my existence.) These two dumb dumbs do seem happy though and I always keep my fingers crossed that Bachelor couples will make it because I need this show to continue! bachelor ben and lauren

Next Up: About 100 clips of Ben’s pastor thumbing through the Bible on After the Final Rose!

Bachelor Recap: Fantasy Suites!

You might be saying, “Hey Jessica, the show is over. We know who Ben picks. There are not THREE ladies left heading into the fantasy suites.” To which I say, “I know. I KNOW! But I did watch and recap the last few episodes and I can’t post out of order or skip an episode. It’s the Virgo in me.” I promise I will have a finale recap up tomorrow and and After a Final Rose recap up by Friday. I have a lot of excuses about my lack of posting but they are worthy of their own post(s).
Anyway, back to two weeks ago…
Ben and Caila on the raft almost completely silent with limited and awkward conversation was amazing. It’s like the worst date of all time. Oh my god, you guys, this is painful. At dinner she says, “It’s funny you noticed I was off today.”  Um. My dog noticed.
Then she told him she was in love with him and he kissed her while sweating his ass off and gave her an invite to the fantasy suite.  She calls him a sly fox, which I appreciate, then she said, “I see fireworks in his eyes, in his eyes and in my heart” and I wanted to throw her off a cliff.

Lauren is basically wearing denim cut off underwear. I can see her cheeks. And a crop top, obviously. None of these chicks leave anything to the imagination. bachelor65 Their date is baby sea turtles, which Lauren says is one her dreams? I would judge but the swimming with pigs date was one of my dreams, so to each his own.  These two love each other so much, it’s ridiculous. I got really excited when they show up at a bar where a band is playing and there are other people there. It’s a real date! Like real life! And then they go inside and the place is empty. Ben hands her the fantasy suite card before they can even take a bite. She tells him she’s in love with him and he responds the same way. We knew this was going to happen because Chris Harrison told me about 600 times, but still! This is a big deal! I thought this was against the rules!

 Here’s another shot of this ridiculous outfit, which honestly is NOT flattering. Girlfriend has a banging bod and this is not doing her any favors. 

JoJo is also rocking the jean short undies, but at least had the sense to wear a loose shirt with it. Tim and I have decided she is the prettiest. Their date is super fun-helicopter to a waterfall where she tells him she loves him and is 100% shocks that he responds likewise. Literally she almost falls over. I have a funny gif of this but I don’t know how to embed anything so you’ll just have to remember the look on her face.

Obviously he asks her to the Fantasy Suite because have you gotten a look a this girl? bachelor58They’re way more fun than Ben and Lauren and drink champagne in the hot tub, which is the only way to do it. Lauren didn’t even get in the pool! Watching these peeps kiss in bathing suits is too much for me though. Are the camera people just like “ugh…sick”. Also, how do these bitches look so good in the morning? I’m like a hot mess and these girls look gorge. Is it because they’re 25 and have been on vacation for six weeks?

My husband’s response to all of this is: “I can’t believe he beds three women in three days”. Do you guys really think he slept with some of them? Or all of them? The guy has a bible verse tattooed on his side so I’m not so sure.

Caila is a total crazy person and heads over to Ben’s place potentially wearing a bathing suit top as a shirt. He is 100% thrown off by this visit as hadn’t prepped himself for dumping her. bachelor67At least she didn’t have to go through a rose ceremony. Caila then jumps out of the car and asks him he knew that week, which is basically like, why did you sleep with me if you were going to pick other girls. Anyone else think she was fake crying during her goodbye? Then she said her purpose in life is to love other people and pulled the “I’ll never find anyone” crap. Girl, you are 25. You are batshit crazy but you have fab hair and a good bod. You’ll be fine.

JoJo shows up to the rose ceremony looking smoking!! Can I get that hair in my life please? Or can I get Chris Harrison’s job? For serious, he travels to the best places and works for like 15 minutes? Ben says he can picture both girls being his wife, which, you know, is weird as usually it’s pretty hard to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? These two chicks are being so friendly about the whole thing! bachelor68

Next Up: I though Women Tell All was boring as hell so I’m going straight to the Finale! Check back tomorrow–promise!

I’m the Worst (and a little Hometown Recap)

You guys, The Bachelor is on tonight and I haven’t done last week’s recap. I have a lot of excuses which include flying solo across the country with a 17 month old on my lap twice in less than a week, being on vacation, my flight getting cancelled,  forgetting my laptop in the office on Friday, hosting my in-laws for the weekend, and watching The Oscars last night.
Obviously I saw The Bachelor last week. I was even able to watch it with one of my best friends in the world who is a fellow Bachelor lover while drinking champagne and eating pizza and housing three different types of cake straight out of the bakery container while her dog snuggled my feet so obviously it was the best viewing of the year. I’m so committed to all of you that I even took notes on lined paper…otherwise known as “The Bachelor Pad”. Those notes are sadly still in my unpacked suitcase but there are a few things that I MUST mention before tonight.
  1. Ben showed up to the hometown with Amanda wearing the most inappropriately short shorts of all time. My love for Ben is 100% documented and even I don’t want to see that much upper thigh. Amanda’s shirt was totally inapprops too and she kept having to yank it up. The sleeves were like leg warmers for her arms. Arm warmers. 
  2. Why were Amanda’s daughters wearing to the knee gladiator sandals? They are toddlers. I felt really bad that they were dragged around all day long with a camera crew in their face. I’d be sobbing in my car seat too. Let’s be serious, there is no way Ben is going to pick the mom with two little kids no matter how pretty she is and cute those kids are. He is 25, charming and smoking hot. 
  3. Lauren and Ben are so obviously in love with each other I kind of just want to end the show now. Also, food trucks and most charming whiskey bar in the world? She wins hometown dates.All of her family members were attractive and vanilla. This was an easy win. 
  4. I hate Caila with the heat of a thousand burning suns. She is fake and giggly and juvenile. She called her parents “Mommy” and “Daddy” the whole time. My friend Claire who I watched this with said she sounds like a pageant contestant (and she should know). Everything is bubbly and scripted. Anyway, her dad was creepy in his orange pants and her mom wore braces. Also, how has Ben never met a Filipino person before? I’d like to point out that Caila was wearing a turtleneck crop top which is really an interesting concept. 
  5. Oh JoJo. Wouldn’t you recognize the handwriting of your ex-boyfriend immediately upon opening this letter? This was so scripted. I’m sure Chad would just happen to know the few days she’ll be in town. Whatever. I did a google search and Ben is way cuter than Chad so I’m happy she ended that fully. They promoted JoJo’s brothers as total nightmares, but honestly the tense scene wasn’t half has bad as I thought and they really did have a point. Clearly JoJo’s mom didn’t feel the same way. #momgoals
This week is insane as Saturday is our annual gala for work.  I’m gonna try my darndest to watch tonight and pull together a recap, but I ask for your forgiveness in advance. Happy Bachelor watching my friends.

Bachelor Recap: Bahama Mama

The episode begins with Ben pulling Olivia to the side prior to the rose ceremony. He tells her that some of the women had mentioned that she wasn’t connecting with the others in the house and he wants to hear her thoughts. Of course she blames the fact that she got two roses in a row put a target on her back and “she feels like she can’t win”. Then she throws the other girls under the bus by saying they enjoy painting their nails and doing each other’s hair while she “likes reading books and thinking” and follows that up with “I want to talk smart things.” Then she fake cried again. She’s the worst. And so is her stupid dress.
Twin has sucked herself into an Olivia spiral and cannot get over it, which means she’ll likely get kicked off.  Olivia doesn’t give a sh*t, knows that the girls hate her and legit says, “Come at me bro” while in the confessional, which is kind of amazing.
Heading into the rose ceremony, both Olivia and Lauren H. have roses. Caila is safe. Lauren B is safe.  JoJo and that dress get a rose. Becca gets a rose. Leah (hello, Leah!??) gets a rose. It’s between Twin and Jennifer. Twin is safe! Thank God—I want more ugly cry face in my life. Chris Harrison tells Jennifer to say her good-byes while wearing a hideous brown suit. Jen is quite diplomatic on her departure and tells him that there are amazing girls left. Jen, we hardly knew ye!
Ben tells the remaining ladies that they are headed to the Bahamas, and for once, is holding a champagne glass correctly. The opening scenes of the Bahamas make me realize I need an immediate vacation (and a mimosa). Amanda is rocking Becca’s dumb hair from last week. Is this is a new trend? Harrison marches in, looking rested and tan, and shares that the plan for the week is a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date.  Caila gets the first date—“Let’s See if this Love is Reel” (her second) and poor old Leah is pretty sad as she hasn’t even had one. At least this sad sack finally gets some screen time. Ben picks up Caila for the date and sits down right next to Leah and its super awkward. She’s basically crying.
I know Caila is a fan favorite, but she is dressed like a straight up ho. Cover your belly. Or your butt. Or both. Leave a little to the imagination—I think Ben would like that. He is a Christian after all. Caila is pretty “excited to relax” on this date. Again, you’ve been relaxing for like six weeks. My relaxation time consists of things like “showering” and “going to the bathroom by myself”.
The producers do a lovely job of alternating clips of Caila and Ben having the time of their lives deep sea fishing and making out, with clips of Leah having a total meltdown. I can’t even understand what she is saying she is so upset—something about how she and Ben live 10 minutes from one another in real life and could have met at a bar, but the universe brought them together like this? She went from zero screen time to total mess in half an episode.
Ben wants to get to know the Caila behind the smile, and then pushes her to tell her sob story. “Open up.” “Vulnerable”. She says she doesn’t want to share her deepest darkest secrets, but she feels like she loves him but she thinks she will hurt him? Ben is confused. I’m confused. I think Caila is confused.
Back at home—date card. Leah is in the group date yet again. “Love is unpredictable”. The two-on-one is Olivia and Twin (Emily). Olivia thinks Emily is young (they’re the same age) and like a bird. I think everyone has gone crazy.
We’re back to Ben and Caila. This conversation is so ridiculous. They’ve been on two dates and are trying to iron out every detail of the way they’re feeling. I space out every time Caila speaks. Tim just said “WTF is she talking about?” which verifies that I’m not alone. They both said “feel” about 600 times and Ben gives her the rose. These two make a boring couple. Also, the humidity in the Bahamas is not doing Ben’s hair any favors. Caila’s hair is still luxurious and bouncy.
Group date. Every single girl is wearing tiny cut off jean shorts and not one of the women is wearing a shirt that covers their torso. They are drinking delicious drinks while on a catamaran, and then literally do something I have always wanted to do. Like on my bucket list I would cry if it happened to me. Swim with pigs. I squealed during this entire segment. I loved that Ben was like “We’re gonna feed them hot dogs” and Leah was like “We’re going to feed the pigs pig?!!” Thankfully, they are chicken hotdogs- don’t worry. You guys, this was the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life. By far the best part of The Bachelor, any season.
Back at home, Twin is calling other twin about the two-on-one. I thought they took away your cell phones and you couldn’t talk to people at home? Am I mistaken?
At group date, Ben is “obsessing” over Lauren B. the entire time. I TOLD YOU! He loves him some Lauren B. Because Ben is not an idiot, he picks up that the girls are upset with him and he tries to chat with JoJo about it. She’s very pretty. And has a nice rack. I did some DVR pausing/super sleuthing and have finally figured out Ben’s tattoo! It’s Proverbs 16:3. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will be established. That is a very large and biblical tat for a non-virgin who is trying to find love on The Bachelor.IMG_7512
Leah has a few minutes with Ben during the group date and turns into a hot mess. She calls him out on not asking her for a one-on-one and starts crying. Girlfriend, get it together. Ben gives her the advice I would give her as her Bachelor godmother, “Just take the time you have”.
At the cocktail party, Ben pulls Becca aside and asks why she was standoffish that day. She was very honest and said his chemistry with Lauren B. was obvious, and that caused her to shut down, but it just means that she likes him.  Leah has some one-on-one time with Ben too and he tells her to “be as open with [me] as possible”. She tells him that women in the house aren’t being real with him and she doesn’t like drama or say names but it’s the person he has the strongest connection with…and then says “Lauren B.” Wha wha whaaaaa???? This was a bomb. Did she just try to throw Lauren under the bus because that is who he likes the most? Leah, you little snake. Ben then tells Lauren B. (idiotic move) so of course the drama continues. Lauren B is very upset, understandably, and when she’s telling the group Leah flat out denies that she said anything. Yikes. This girl came from out of nowhere to become maybe the most evil girl in the house. Also, Lauren B. is a much prettier crier than the twins. 
Amanda gets the date rose, and poor Lauren B. thinks that maybe it’s due to what “someone” has said. Lauren B. is wearing her hair in the half up bun too. This must be a thing. A thing I hate. After hours Leah heads over to Ben’s house  to tell him MORE about why Lauren B. isn’t right for him. Leah, give it up. She says to the camera that she wants Ben to know more about her and that he hasn’t had the time to get to know her…and then spends the entire time with Ben talking about Lauren B. Ben recognizes this and tells her that something doesn’t feel right. And then he promptly sends her home. AMAZING! Well done Ben. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.
Two-on-One Date with Twin & Olivia
It is a freaking hurricane and these maniacs just hop into a small boat. The seas look treacherous. Emily’s cut offs are even more treacherous. High waisted mom jean shorts with a zipper all the way to the top.
These three arrive at the beach, cheers, and then sit awkwardly in silence. Olivia takes her one-on-one time with Ben to sing her own praises: “I’m at peace with who I am and I love who I am. I’ve very grounded. I’m very in tune with my body. I’m really strong. I’m really confident. I know who I am. Deep intellectual things are my jam.” And then she tells him that she is in love with him. He is “glad” about it. Not a ringing endorsement.
Twin very aggressively takes her time to tell him that she is ready for him and is looking for validation. He listens, but he doesn’t kiss her. This date looks full out terrible. It’s a cold, windy and awkward. Ben grabs the rose and walks away with O, who marches along like a man. Ben tells her that he appreciates her speaking from her heart…and then says he can’t reciprocate those feelings…all while they are getting pummeled by wind and rain. It is the worst break-up ever…second to when one of the Bachelorettes left a guy on a glacier. Who was that? Was it Jillian? Emily gets the rose and does a lot of squealing while Olivia stands alone next to a blow hole looking sad. They legit make her stand alone on the island while the boat drives away. That is just cruel. But also amazing.
The rose ceremony takes place while the tropical storm rages on. Ben sends his consiglieri, Chris, to cancel the cocktail party and head straight to the rose ceremony. Lauren B. is very nervous that she’s going home. Dear Lauren, he luffs you. He will not send you home. JoJo also has a meltdown for seemingly no reason.
As a reminder, Caila, Twin and Amanda have roses and thus, are safe. Becca receives the first rose and JoJo the second. It’s a battle of the Laurens and I think we all know who will come out on top. Lauren H. is headed back to the mitten. I bet everyone is so excited that they can just say Lauren from here on out. Lord knows I am

Bachelor Recap: Viva Mexico!

The crew heads to Mexico City. There is a lot of finger dancing on the plane and then of course the girls ooh and ahh about the hotel. They’re staying at the Four Seasons. Remember last season with Chris where they were basically staying in a haunted hotel right off the highway in Iowa? Becca is probably like “TRADE UP!”
Olivia kicks off the episode talking about their love language yet again, and how it is reserved just for her. She (again) believes she’s going to get the one-on-one and (again) is NOT the one to get the one-on-one date. It goes to the high voiced mom of two, Amanda, with the note “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket”. Ben, this girls eggs are pretty fertile, you may not want to do that just yet.
Ben kicks off the date before 5am by waking all the girls up while they’re asleep. I always love when they do this because the girls look like such shit. Lauren H. is rocking zit cream and a retainer and Ben of course says, “I sleep with a retainer too!” Ben, so do I. We have so much in common. We’re basically soulmates. Ditch these crazies and come live with me.  (And my husband and baby. That won’t be weird at all.) 
Ben finds Olivia’s weave. Amanda must have had a heads up on this wake-up call because she is wearing full make-up, including lip gloss. No one looks like that upon waking up NOR do they look like that if they sleep in their make-up. If I sleep in make-up I wake up looking like a heroin addict. Amanda looks like a g-d Disney princess. 
The date is an air balloon, which is a dream date. They fly over the ancient city of Teotihuacan, which I’m sure Bem practiced saying about 60 times. Sidenote: did they get breakfast? I’d be like, this is great, but I’ve been up since 3:30 putting make-up on before your “surprise” wake-up call and I’m effing starving. They have a little picnic and she leaves a full glass of champagne on the ground which is just sacrilege. To be honest, I’m not sure what they’re talking about…basically they are talking about what they’re going to talk about later? Another blogger just pointed out how Ben is holding the champagne flute and now I can’t unsee it. 
Group date card comes and all the girls names are on it except for Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher from Michigan with great hair, which results in Olivia being a total stalker.
Amanda is nervous to talk to Ben about how she’s been married and divorced and has two kids. She’s had a busy 25 years. They got married when her oldest was six months old, and then she kind of talks shit about her ex-husband on national television? I mean, the guy sounds like a total douche, but isn’t it weird to share this publicly? Your family and kids can see this at some point. Ben, of course, responds diplomatically and tells her how incredible she is. She gets the rose, even though she’s wearing an Ice Capades costume. I don’t see the chemistry between these two, and I think Ben maybe just wants to love her because the poor girl has had a rough go of it.
Group Date- Come Se Dice The Way to the Man’s Heart
The date starts off with a Spanish class. Caila of course throws herself at Ben. Ugh. Becca is wearing a terrible half up half down top knot. Jubuilee gets a little sassy in Spanish class and of course Olivia feels some hidden chemistry while talking to Ben. She is too much. The second part of the date is heading to a restaurant to have a competition on who can make the best Mexican dish. They awkwardly break up into teams of two, except both Jubilee and Olivia try to partner with Ben. Obvi, Olivia wins because she is a bull. Remaining twin goes off an a tangent about how Olivia’s breath smells. “Ben was like ‘Hey lets go get some mint Olivia, I really want to try the mint!’
Ben tells us cooking is his thing, solidifying that minus his bad haircut and kind of oily/sweaty face, he is a dream man. And then he says “I’m not longer the Bachelor…I’m the Spatular” and I lost all interest. Ben watches all the ladies and recognizes that everyone is enjoying themselves and having fun except for Jubilee and Lauren B. Jubilee is like “It’s hard because we’re all at the point where we all have feelings for him”. Jubilee, this is The Bachelor, that is HOW it works. Also, can we talk about Becca’s dumb hair? A closer look:
The chefs try all the dishes, which leads to JoJo saying “I really want the chefs to taste my taco. Ben already tasted my taco…and he liked it”. Yikes! NC-17 rating on this episode. Olivia passes over her meal and the chefs comment that it looks like dog food, but they LOVE Lauren B and Jubilee’s fish. This whole part of the episode just made me hungry.
I hate when the girls call Ben their “boyfriend”. He is NOT your boyfriend. Boyfriend implies exclusion. As they sit down for the cocktail party of their date, Olivia immediately grabs Ben despite being partnered up with him All. Day. Long. She clearly doesn’t want to make any friends on this show. Ben has a LOT of hang time with Lauren B. tonight with a ton of kissing all around the city. WTF is she wearing? It’s like a crop top tube dress? Jubilee is mad the whole time. Ben grabs her to chat, and she avoids his hand. She tells him that on group dates she feels overshadowed and that he doesn’t notice her at all. She is “trying to remember how it felt to be with him and does he even remember their one-on-one date?”. Ben said that walking away from the date he felt they had something that could be built upon. Then he drops a bomb and says, “It would be unfair to you to say that I’m confident in that now because I feel you’ve pulled back”. Boom. They talk around it for a while and then Ben dumps her with a “maybe we say goodbye”. See ya Jubilee! I honestly think that if she hadn’t been such a weirdo in group situations and had been more confident in who she actually was, that she would have stuck around longer. Jubs finishes up her confessional by adopting Ben’s persona as “the most unlovable person in the world right now.” Ben feels like a dick for dumping a veteran orphan whose entire family died, which, ya know, I get.
While Ben is telling the girls that Jubs is gone, JoJo interrupts him but uses the time to tell him how he handled the situation with respect and grace and that he “impacts her heart”. Ben gives the date rose to someone who struggled for a while and who he has reconnected with tonight and it goes to…Olivia. Girls are blindsided. Oliva eats a fruit kebab. God bless this girl, she is the only one who eats.
One-on-One Date between Lauren H. and Ben
Lauren is wearing insanely tiny shorts and a mini crop top version of a Mexican blouse. You’re a kindergarten teacher gal, be a little more modest. Ben calls Lauren H. ‘Lauren H.’ throughout the entire  date which is hilarious. They head into a store where the owner invites them to Mexico City fashion week which is “the best date ever” for Lauren H. To each their own. These two crazies then get invited to be part of the show. She is super nervous (Obvi) but Ben reassures her that no one there is as beautiful as her. Bold faced lie. Lauren blinks the entire time she walks down the runway but her legs are legit and Ben looks effing hot. Smoldering. Despite his ridiculous shirt.
Ben calls his relationship with Lauren H. “a slow burn”. He’s getting more serious with the other girls, and wants to see if he has a romantic connection with her as opposed to just a friendship. Lauren wants Ben to know that she’s got a serious side too and shares that she had a four year relationship and then the guy dumped her and she found out he was cheating on her. She said she chooses to be happy every day and does not want to be guarded. This story makes Ben feel more confident in her and lays one on her. Lauren H. gets the rose, resulting in me having to look up which one is Lauren H. and which one is Lauren B. for another next week.
Rose Ceremony: What the rock is JoJo wearing? It’s like a cross between a doily and nylons.
Also, I still know absolutely NOTHING about Leah. I’m amazed she is still there seeing as she hasn’t received a group date rose or a one-on-one, and hasn’t been featured at all. Here is a photo of Leah, because you probably have no idea who she is either. 
 Lauren B. talks to Ben and this is verbatim what she says: “I don’t talk about my feelings really with anyone, but I just feel like even like the two seconds when we’re not around each other people can like tell that I just really like like you. And I can see like a life with you, not just like getting married like initially like I could see A LIFE with you, which is like terrifying. Like a life. Like a life life.” Dear Lord.
Amanda was talking about her kids in the group and Olivia comments that she feels like she’s watching an episode of Teen Mom. Amanda calls her out on it, which is impressive and then Olivia laugh cries her way through an apology. Twin, rocking that sequin dress, decides she wants to tell Ben about Olivia which you know is the kiss of death for anyone on the Bachelor. When you spend your time talking about another girl, you’re gone. Twin breaks down about how fake Olivia is and does the ugly cry her sister did last week. Olivia then interrupts because she is an attention whore. Twin somehow gets on the phone with other twin and hysterically ugly cries. It’s amazing. While talking to Olivia, Ben is trying to figure out her relationship with the other girls and she just straight out lies to him. So Ben then asks the other girls vaguely how things are going in the house—and they all report negatively on big O.  Before kicking off the rose ceremony, Ben pulls Olivia aside. All the girls think this means she’ll be gonzo, but if I know Olivia like I think I know Olivia, she’ll talk her away out of it.
To be continued! Scenes for the next episode just show every single person crying and Ben standing alone in a hurricane. It’s gonna be amazing.

Bachelor Recap: Vegas Baby!

The episode starts with all these bitches talking about how “exhausted” they are. Girls, I haven’t slept through the night in basically a year and a half. A year and a half. That’s exhausted. Not this single lifestyle in which you don’t have a job, hang by the pool all day and then drink all night. Tough life. Chris Harrison comes in to share they are all headed to Vegas. Turns out the twins were born and raised in Vegas. Wholly unsurprised. The girls are freaking out about Vegas. It’s not like the Maldives ladies. It’s Vegas.
Ben apparently drove his Mustang to Vegas. There is so much horrible girly screaming in the first five minutes of this episode. I want to plug my ears. They screech their way along the Vegas Strip and then almost have a hear attack when they see this ridiculous sign. They keep talking about how “romantic” Ben is. Hello? We all know this was the producers? Also, this is not romantic. 
JoJo gets the first one-on-one date card. Oliva looks like someone killed her puppy. Then in the confessional says that Ben is her peace and comes up with this sassy one-liner: Ben is my zen.
JoJo and Ben kick off their date with some Chandon (my fave!) on a parking lot roof. The helicopter lands and almost rips JoJo’s stupid shirt off while knocking over the champagne, glasses and table. They crouch and hide between the table and immediately start kissing.  It looks kinda gross. I’m wondering if Ben is a bad kisser and this is why he’s not off the market yet? This thought makes me very very sad. JoJo is wearing one of those really expensive Cartier bracelts…which was obviously given to her by an ex-boyfriend right? That’s not something your parents give you for Christmas. Again, what is this shirt?
JoJo “opens up” on their date that she fears that the individual she invests in will not invest in her back. I’m so bored with this conversation, but JoJo is really pretty. These girls have amazing skin! Oh, what I would give to be 24 again! Ben starts playing with that bracelet that her ex definitely gave her. She gets the rose and then they head up back on the roof to watch fireworks while Ben nuzzles her ear and the girls all talk shit from the hotel.
Group date card read “Show me what you got”. Lauren H, who is moving to the front of my pack, says “I’m thinking maybe it’s like showgirls show? But I hope we don’t have to do nipples tassels, because that would not be good.” WHAT IS CAILA wearing? Neon and sequins? I know she is a fan favorite (ahem…Ry Mulderrig) but she rubs me the wrong way. They walk into a theatre where some comedian or ventriloquist greets them. The girls pretend to know who he is but clearly no one does (including me). The date is a talent competition. Girls are confused and scared–basically not many of these chicks have talent. The twins think Olivia’s talent “besides being the center of attention all the time” is singing.
They find out they have to open for this random comedian/ventriloquist tonight in front of a live audient.  Twins go first doing an Irish dance wearing German dirndl. They are really good! Jubilee is next up with the cello—also great. Lauren B. juggles (in a bikini), the mom hula hoops, Caila belly dances/hulas, Lauren H. sings in a chicken suit and Olivia busts out of a cake in her showgirl attire and does some of the worst “dancing” I’ve ever seen. She basically just walks around kicking her legs and doing some bad shimmying, which results in a panic attack in which she must be off camera followed by a lot of “I just don’t know if I can do this”. Oh, Olivia, you’re a hot mess.
She’s very upset she got a “pity hug” from Ben when she walked off the stage. Maybe she should have thought of that before revealing her talent. At the evening part of the date the girls are all in tiny short cocktail dresses and Ben is yet again in a leather jacket. What is happening with the temperature here? Or the wardrobes? Caila went straight in for a kiss immediately, leading to Ben calling her a “sex panther”.  Gross. Lauren H. brought out her Midwestern accent hard during her one-on-one time with Ben, but he’s into it and they finally kiss. Oliva is wearing a hideous gray romper that is unflattering in all ways. Ben is sweaty again. If you’re so sweaty Ben, take off that leather jacket. Ben lies to Oliva’s face and tells her that her performance today wasn’t terrible, and then they are promptly interrupted by Twin A. O comes back to the table and pounds some snacks, which seems reasonable. Ben cannot get enough of Lauren B. He is all over her. She’s pretty honest with him and lets him know that she missed him a lot and wants to be around him all the time, but she’s not needy or ridiculous about it, although she did say “This could be my last first date” which is a bold statement.
Twin B (?) is chatting with Ben when Olivia comes back and interrupts. Ben is over it. This girl is too high maintenance for him. But then he kisses her again? Ben…stop it right now. O then proceeds to freak out to the camera and stare weirdly for 10 minutes with her hand in her mouth. I wish I could get a full body shot of this terrible romper. 
 Lauren B. get the date rose because he is IN LOOOOOOVE with her. Tim and I both notice that there is one blonde chick that is really pretty who hasn’t been featured at all. I have not a clue what her name is.
Becca’s date kicks off with her receiving an enormous box for her date and in it is….a wedding dress! Jubilee says “She’s the perfect person to wear white!” Ha! Becca is picked up in a pink Cadillac and driven to the Little White Chapel where Ben greets her at the altar. He totally freaks her out by getting on one knee and saying “Will you marry…other people with me today?” Ben is ordained and they are going to marry couples. She admitted to being wholly panicked. Her face was hysterical. Sheer terror. You guys, could you imagine if you were married in Vegas at the Little White Chapel by the Bachelor? Amazing. Some fab couples got married in Vegas, including a lot of men in tuxedos t-shirts.
Ben takes Becca to the Neon Graveyard, where all the old signs go to die. I love it. Take me there. Ben has a lot on the agenda for tonight. He wants to know “Can Becca love? Can Becca feel?” Ben asks how this season is different than last and she said she cares more at this point then she ever did last season. BURN! Sorry Chris. They have a pretty honest conversation about faith and virginity which results in Ben saying the phrase, “Jump their bones”. I’d jump your bones Ben, anytime. Their kiss does not look as awkward as others I have seen. But Ben is still sweating/shiny. They freestyle some vows to one another and she gets the rose. I still think she is pretty but also thinks he looks like she is made of wax. 
Chris Harrison arrives again while the gals all barefaced which is refreshing, unless you’re the twins who look like death without make-up. Chris wants to have a date with two women in particular, Emily & Haley—the TWINS! Honestly I didn’t know their names until this part. They have one hour to put on their faces. Are they going to battle one another for Ben’s heart? Surprise to these girls…he takes them home to their mom…who looks exactly like them, down to the bleach blonde hair. Haley shows Ben her room, which has numerous photos of her ex-boyfriend on display. Awkward. Is she still living in this room or is this like her high school room? It looks insanely juvenile. She is forthright with Ben and says she doesn’t want to be considered part of a pair and she wants him to treat them as individuals. Emily then basically says to Ben, “Pick me.” Ben asks for insight from Mom who provides some good intel. Ben sits down with the gals and says goodbye to Haley. He did it in front of Mom so she’d have support, and then both twins made the same ugly cry face. I would do a side by side comparison but it would just be the same photo so you get it. 
At the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Jen (?)grabs Ben right out of the gate and everyone is very proud of her because it’s not Olivia. Five minutes into the conversation, out pops Olivia who I’ve noticed walks like a dude. She brought him some cheesecake and she’s back to understanding his “hidden signals”. Ben then kisses pretty much every girl on the date. He’s so cute to Jubilee—“You look scared out of your mind!”—and then gives her some lovely compliments. He’s a doll.
Becca, JoJo and Lauren B. are all safe going into the rose ceremony.  Single mom gets a rose. Tim & I cannot understand how you can be away from your kids this long. Who is watching them? Lauren H. gets a rose. Jubilee is safe, so is Twin B, Caila, Jennifer, Leah (this is the one we know nothing about!!!). It’s down to one rose between Olivia, Amber and the other girl that we don’t really know anything about her. Thanks to the writing at the bottom of the screen I learn she is Rachel, Unemployed from Little Rock. Oliva gets the last rose…for the second week in a row, which I think is just producer fodder to get the monologue from her. Amber pulls it together to say goodbye to Ben. Second time (third time? Was she on Bachelor in Paradise?), not a charm. Girlfriend just takes her shoes off and melts down. Bye Ambular!  
Next stop: Viva Mexico!