The Next Bachelor

I break my silence to offer a comment on the breaking news that Nick Viall has been named the next Bachelor. I think he is such a slimeball. He has shifty eyes and a lisp and I trust him as much as I trust Jordan. This could be as bad as Juan Pablo and I’m not even sure I will watch! (Let’s be serious, I probably will not miss this train wreck.)
Thoughts on this casting choice? 

Bachelorette Recap: The Final Rose

JoJo is staying at maybe the sweetest resort of all time.I would go on this show just for the vacation.

Gets to hand with her family. Is that girl her sister or an in-law? Either way, it would suck if super hot JoJo was in your family. Also, what is she wearing? I’m not hip to the trends but this is pretty hideous.

Jordan wears tight jeans and a gray t-shirt go meet her family. Meanwhile his brothers are in button downs. Like, step it up a notch dude. He did bring hats for the whole family which is fun. JoJo’s mom initially thinks that Jordan is a playboy. Called it girlfriend! She’s had some weird work done, especially in the mouth region. Mom says, “Give me your word that you will not break my daughters heart” and he says “Absolutely not”. Mama tells JoJo that she thinks they are too much alike, but JoJo is not rally listening to it

Dad talks to Jordan about JoJo’s trust issues, but I kinda can’t stop looking at his mustache. And the fact that he’s dressed like a postal worker. Jordan must have been distracted too, because he didn’t ask her dad for permission to marry her. Next scene JoJo to camera: “He wouldn’t proposes to me unless he knew he had my father’s permission so I’m pretty confident that Jordan asked”. Um…

Robby arrives in a starched button down and shorts and flip flops, so maybe dressing up isn’t their thing. Or maybe it’s just 8 million degrees. You guys, I forgot that Robby brought the personalized wine bottle when getting out of the limo in homage to JoJo’s mom. Extra five points awarded to Robby right now. Mom is on my side saying he has a gentle demeanor and wasn’t “flying off the roof”. (Like Jordan)

It is so weird that they just sit around a table and talk about their love. I could not imagine recounting all of these details with my family. Really awkward.m

She sits down with the bros and they say, “You’re not picking someone to be your New Year’s Eve date.” Good point buddy.

Robby reassures mom that he won’t break her heart and he will build his life around her. “Every moment I spend with her, that love grows”. Blech. He then sits down with both of them to tell them she will be his #1 priority and then asks for permission to marry her in a very lovely way. I maybe got a little teared up here. #hormones Good old papa gets teary-eyed too. Family is on board with Robby. He is more “husband material” and “a logical fit”. JoJo finds out that Jordan didn’t ask for her hand in marriage and she is upset. Her brothers are asking some good questions and bringing up some good points, like why is she jumping in to defend Jordan. Also, who is this random ass silent girl that just sits on the couch?finale12

Last Date with Robby
These two take a tuk tuk to the beach, where we get a gratuitous shot of JoJo’s boobs that make me hate myself and my old mom pancakes. They picnic by the beach drinking tasty beverages from coconuts. Robby paints their future where they are sitting on the couch enjoying wine while the kids play in the other room and laughing because dinner burned. Oh Robby. Robby. This will not happen. Your wine will get warm while you’re reading/playing with the kids who definitely will not let you sit on the couch in peace and you will be pissed that meatloaf burned. But, it’s a cute thought.jojo straddling robby on beach

Robby is rocking hotel slippers again. He loves them. Basically Robby loves JoJo, excuse me, cherishes JoJo the way she wants to be cherished. But he’s still not it. He gives her photos of their time together, which is less cheesy than what some of these people have done in the past and he can’t wait until JoJo tells him she loves him.

Last date with Jordan
Oh God you guys, Jordan is sweating BUCKETS on this boat. How does JoJo still have her hair down in this heat? Jordan is super enthusiastic about her family and apparently her sister. Why was she silent? Maybe she secretly hates her super hot sister? I would! JoJo calls Jordan out on not asking her dad for permission and she said that makes her think that he is not ready. He tells her that he didn’t feel like he could ask without knowing it is him in the long run. Basically they are talking in circles.This is face during the entire conversation. finale10

JoJo tells him that night that he had a moment he didn’t take and it devastates her. He didn’t really apologize and just said “It sucks”. And then I scrolled through Instagram and tuned out because I’m OVER. IT. The talking is so boring.

YES! Neil Lane! The first ring Robby picks up is hideous. He picks something that has channel diamonds on the side? Boo.

Obviously Jordan calls Joe and Soraya and asks for their permission. His hand is shaking, which seems legit. They say he has their blessing. As parents, wouldn’t it be so weird to give your blessing to two different men? Especially two men you didn’t know?

Jordan also meets with Neil. I wonder who gets the first pick? Jordan picks a beautiful oval cut with a pave band. Definitely the better choice. Nice work Jordan! I’d be happy with that bad boy.

JoJo tells us that she had a moment of clarity that morning and knows what she is going to do. And then Jordan’s note is delivered and she starts sobbing saying, “It’s everything I want”. Oh, Robby also wrote a note! No socks for Robby on proposal day guys! Gotta keep it consistent. Both fellas wear blue suits and have perfectly coiffed hair.

The Proposal
Did Robby put on socks in the car? He’s the first one out which is NOT a good sign and her face when she sees him is also not a good sign.finale15

Robby immediately starts talking, which we learned from JoJo last year, is a BAD MOVE. She looks pained the whole time he is talking to him and tells him that she can’t let him get down on one knee because she doesn’t want to take that moment from him. She says, “I wanted it to be you buy for some reason my heart is somewhere else”. He asks her what’s missing. Poor Robby. He walks away and she is “heartbroken”, cries on the beach and takes her shoes off.

I feel like you should be able to do an outfit change between dumping a guy and getting proposed to. That should not be the same dress right? I like this dress but I also think it maybe looks like a nightgown?

Jordan and his incredibly slim cut suit put together a nice little speech for JoJo. “you’re my best friend. You’re my soulmate. I’m going to keep you safe and I want to wake up  next to you every day”. I’m actual pretty happy for them even though I know he’s going to cheat on her and it won’t last. To true love!jordan proposing to jojo
I did not have it in me to watch ANOTHER hour of this nonsense so didn’t view After the Final Rose. Maybe this weekend if you’re lucky!

Bachelorette Recap: Fantasy Suites Edition

Last we saw Luke told JoJo he loved her on an airplane runway and she collapsed on the ground Jordan’s hair is at an all-time high. He gets the first rose. Robby gets the second. And Chase gets the third. Luke and his tiny forehead look shocked. JoJo cries when she tells him that she always felt so connected to him but never knew where he stood.  “We never know what we could have had. I wanted to fall in love with you, but I never got to see it through.” He has dead eyes.  Name that movie.
I am actually pretty shocked she let him go. I would have thought Luke would be in the top two. Chase is so boring and Robby is ridiculous. Luke wins for best family. And most bow legged.


Chase, Robby, Jordan and JoJo head to Thailand. Get me there. I can’t wait to see how sweaty the dudes get on this trip. Robby shows up on a tuk tuk (I think that’s what they are called?) and he is the tannest person of all time. They’re at a market during a monsoon and then got a thai foot massage, which I would pay one million dollars for right now, even though it probably costs like $10. Robby shows up to dinner in like white jodhpurs? No socks, obviously. JoJo still doesn’t really trust Robby could fall in love so quickly and asked what his family thought. They all agreed it was quick but think it is real. Robby then shares a note his Dad left him in his pocket to eschew any doubts about his feelings for her. Then she gives him the Fantasy Suite which he willingly accepts, with a slight layer of sweat all over his face. And then he starts calling her Joelle. “I want to be that guy that is late to work because I don’t want to get out of bed next to her and the guy that leaves work early to get home to her.” Robby, I hope none of your future employers are watching! JoJo says (not to him) that she knows she loves Robby and she’s looking forward to having intimate time with him, and almost starts tearing up about being loved and wanted. I think, despite girlfriends great looks, she maybe doesn’t have the best self-esteem. She says she wanted to tell him that she loves him, but she doesn’t want to do that to anyone unless she knows it will be the person she will end up with. Either way, they spent the night together and had breakfast just on some random plates at the foot of their bed. jojo and robby fantasy suite
Jordan leaps off a boat to meet JoJo for a hike. Jordan’s walk is so feminine. He’s got a lot of bounce in that step. Oh my god you guys, he has NO hair on his arms. None. Like, he must wax them or something? I wish I could get a photo that would show you this. Just trust me. They hike down to a temple in a cave, which is pretty darn cool. They are not allowed to kiss in the cave, which is hard for them because really all they have is chemistry. She asks, “Is this guy too good to be true?” Answer: Yes. Jordan seems nervous about talking to JoJo’s dad. He wants her family to like him, which, I’m guessing the brothers will not. She asks him what the next year looks like and he says, “I don’t know. That’s a hard question.” He responds that he doesn’t have or ‘need’ a home base right now. What does this guy do for work? He appeases her with some line about how he’s never felt that way before and he thinks of her when he thinks of getting down on one knee, blah blah blah. She gives him the fantasy suite card. The next morning Jordan says “We took a big step last night in a really exciting direction” with a really creepster goofy smile on this face. JoJo is confused because she’s in love with two men. Now you know how Ben felt girlfriend?
I like Chase today. He seems like the most fun of the boys and they have a nice sweaty date on some secluded island with passionate kissing fish on bachelorette

Robby comes and visit JoJo smack dab while she is in between the day and night part of her date. He keeps telling her how much he misses her and tells her he’s ready to get down on one knee and be her husband.

Chase finally gets time JoJo again. I feel bad for the dude–he is sweating so much. Chase feels like he’s battled through this more than the others, which I agree, and he doesn’t want to be scared anymore. He tells her confidently that he wants a future with her/us. She gives him the fantasy suite key while their steaks go untouched in front of them. That’s how these guys stay so fit–they never eat!

At the suite, he tells her that he’s 100% in love with her and he has never said that first. And then she says to us “I didn’t feel the way I thought I would feel” and then my DVR stops recording because it’s been two hours even though the first 40 minutes was election stuff. I cannot type what I said aloud, but I imagine it to be something like what Chase said when she dumped him AFTER she gave him the key? That’s a dick move JoJo. A dick move.

I have no idea what else happened, so someone fill me in. Also, I haven’t even watched Men Tell All yet. I’m the worst.