Bachelorette Recap: The Final Four

I realized this is a day late and a dollar short, as I’m recapping LAST week’s episode. I haven’t even watched the two from this week. I have many excuses, but they all deserve their own post. Anyway, my faint promise to you is to try to get caught up this weekend. Maybe.
Well, we started with 25 guys and now we’re down to the FINAL FOUR: Robby, Jordan, Luke and Chase. What a lame crew with a lot of amazing hair products.
The show kicks off in Highlands Ranch, Colorado where JoJo meets Chase, who is just standing in like a foot of snow waiting for her. He tells us/her that hisarents got divorced when he was 8 years old, but his dad  and his opinions mean a lot to me so she will be meeting his parents separately. JoJo has concerns because he’s not very vulnerable nor has he opened up that much, but thinks that it may be due to his family situation. She wants him to “open his heart”. I feel like there was a lot less of this stupid phrase on this season that in the past, amiright?chase and jojo hometown date
Chase owns a GINORMOUS single family home with a three car garage? With no stair rail, which is slightly unsettling. Like he couldn’t have gotten a buddy to come in there and fix that before the show?chase and jojo hometown date Chase’s dad comes over and for some reason, on national television, in front of his new girlfriend, Chase confronts his dad over why his first marriage didn’t work out. Why wouldn’t you ask that 20 years ago? Or like , off camera?
JoJo then gets to meet the rest of the family, which includes his mom, brother-in-law, sister, stepdad and nephew. JoJo seems really into Chase this episode—maybe more than I’ve ever seen before. JoJo and Chase’s mom go sit outside on what you think is a bench but its actually a chair lift! Genius! Move me to Colorado STAT! Chase’s sister is pretty boring. I checked out on that convo real quick, but I’m really into the mom. Chase finally tells JoJo how he feels about her and he feels “a sigh of relief”.
JoJo heads to beautiful Chico, California (insert sarcasm font here) to meet Jordan and his family. In my head, they lived in Wisconsin, obviously. You guys, Jordan has GOT to stop wearing those jeans. They are legit jeggings. Also, the wind blowing his hair is unreal. Jordan takes her to his high school to meet his football coach. FYI, Tim and I have been together for eight years and have never once taken one another to our high schools on numerous trips home. That is just such an odd place to go, unless you peaked in high school. Although, to be fair, that is not much to do in Chico. They make out in the library and then go look at the millions of photos of him around the locker room. JoJo sees a photo of Aaron in the room and points it out to Jordan, who ignores it, and then when she brings it up again while hanging out in the stadium and he gets super weird and is like “it’s not an issue”. I’m with JoJo-I’d want to get to the bottom of that.
The Rogers family has an ENORMOUS fountain outside their home in a gated community. Aaron must be helping out somehow. She meets, Darla, Ed, Luke and his girlfriend Lindsay who has joined in on the big hair bandwagon. I need like twenty minutes to figure out what is going on with that ‘do. It’s unreal. Do you think Luke is sad that he is the ugliest and least talented brother? Didn’t stop him for wearing those tight ass jeans though. She asks Luke about the Aaron situation and he is like “we’re all pretty sad about it and want to be a family again”. YOU GUYS, WHAT HAPPENED WITH AARON? But I like Luke. He seems like a nice and normal man, despite that hair. 
Oh God, what is the Dad wearing on his legs? The seams on those jeans are like whoa. Also, he maybe looks like Herman Muenster?jojo with jordan's dad on hometown dates Mom seems like a space cadet, or not genuine? Maybe it’s just her breathy voice?  Jordan tells JoJo that he’s in love with her and she says “a part of me is scared that if it is you and I at the end of this, will you want it to be forever?” and then he kind of smirks?! And then he’s pissed that she still doesn’t trust him, but I don’t either. Jordan…I know it, you know, JoJo knows it but doesn’t want to know it…you’re an asshole and you’re going to break her heart.
JoJo heads to St. Augustine to visit Robby with the good hair. Tim thinks he is the douchiest of the guys. I think Jordan is. What’s your vote? JoJo lets out a killer whistle and along comes a horse drawn carriage. St. Augustine is cute. I went there once when I was like 11 and lost my retainer at a restaurant and my mom almost killed me. My retainer was glow in the dark, by the way, which was super cool. JoJo tells Robby that she is concerned about his timeline, considering he just broke up with a serious multi-year girlfriend three months ago.  She says, “I don’t want to fill a void for you.” Robby lets her know it’s a non-issue, which means it is going to be an issue.jojo and robby on hometown dates
JoJo meets Robby’s mom, dad (Coach Hayes), two sisters, a brother-in-law, and two younger brothers. The family is sitting around drinking cocktails and eating snacks—my kind of family! Both brothers pull Robby aside and all three of them have the same hair. JoJO hangs with the mom (Holly) and says that Robby is the most vulnerable and in touch with his feelings, and then asks if Robby is ready to be engaged. Holly says that if he says he is ready, he is ready, and JoJo then tells the mom that she is falling in love with him. Really?
Robby hangs with his mom, who has to tell him that out in the world is the rumor that he broke up with the ex-girlfriend to go on the show, started by the ex’s roommate. Robby tells JoJo the rumor, and she basically doesn’t believe him. He reassures her that his relationship with Hope was over 9 months before it actually ended. Ugh. I’m so bored with this. But props to Robby for addressing it head on I guess?
Next up: Burnet, Texas to visit Luke. And for the first time ever I realized Luke is as bowlegged as a mother! I have never noticed it before and now I cannot unsee it. Luke drives her down some dirt road to the family ranch, where he is hosting an enormous family BBQ. JoJo meets his mom, dad, sister and 50 of his closest friends, which is weird right? Maybe less pressure though because its’ more of a party and you’re not having dinner with three people? There is some terrible hair in that audience—mullets, dyed bright red. Also lots of croakies, which are the worst. Luke’s mom is darling and his Dad rocks a cowboy hat like a champ. Luke is planning on telling JoJo “you have my heart”. Never in my 35 years on this planet has anyone said anything like that to me, and for that, I am thankful. You guys, Luke’s dad is my favorite man on this show. He teared up talking about how proud he was of Luke serving the country and coming home safely. Plus he can BBQ. Luke’s dad would get my final rose. Maybe Gramps too.luke with his dad on bachelorette
Luke  and JoJo ride horses out into a gorgeous field to a couch made of haybales and now I want to live in Texas and have this in my backyard. As the sun sets beautifully behind them, Luke says, “My heart gets more and more involved”. What does that even mean? Then they walk down a path of candles to a heart of flower petals and he tells her that his heart is hers. Cheeseball city. I would run for that black blazer so fast. And while JoJo doesn’t quite do that, she doesn’t seem as torn up to leave him as she did the other few fellas.14
The rose ceremony takes place at an airport hangar, which is “unique”. JoJo is wearing an electric blue sequin gown. She looks like a mermaid.  Didn’t she wear a bright blue mermaid gown a few weeks ago? She walks into the rose ceremony, is pretty emotional, and tells us that she thinks she needs to say goodbye to Luke, which is too bad because I liked his family the best. Just as she’s about to give out the first rose, Luke says “JoJo, can I talk for you a sec?” and he pulls her aside. He tells her that maybe he didn’t say what he needed to say the other night and wanted to make sure she knew that he is in love with her. She tells him that is what she’s been waiting to hear, thanks him and then walks away swearing saying “of course it changes things”. Like honestly, what is the ACTUAL difference between “I’m falling in love with you” and “My heart is yours”. Nothing. Girlfriend is crouched on the floor sobbing. Can’t someone get her a chair? jojo in blue sequin dressAnd can someone get me these boobs? Of course, this episode is TO BE CONTINUED.
Hold on your hats for a two episodes next week! We’ll find out who gets the rose plus Men Tell All.

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