Bachelorette Recap: Do Cry for Me Argentina (if you’re Derek)

This week takes us to Buenos Aires, which is filled with many men wearing berets.BA tourism must be paying ABC hardcore. They cannot stop raving about how they will find love in Paris, it’s the most romantic place, blah blah blah. Move over Paris.
Chris welcomes the boys and tells them there is another two on one this week and everyone is worked up. Apparently this is the first time they’ve ever had two two-on-ones in one season? Then the boys walk through BA in the most ridiculous get ups. Luke is wearing cammo joggers, Jordan is in leggings, Robby is in a black v-neck and a black blazer and 80’s jeans.Where do these guys shop? Als, ALex is a good foot shorter than the rest of these dudes. He looks like a little kid. bachelorette in buenos aires
One-On-One: Besame! Besame Muchacho!
Wells gets the one on one date. His hair is bad, girls. Real bad. He admits he’s the only guy who hasn’t kissed her yet. Oh geez, Wells changed into a ridic leather moto jacket for his date. When JoJo picks him up Luke goes “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” . Guy, you’re 30+. Let’s get over it.Wells looks nervous .145
These two walk through BA and then participate in some sort of performance art that I do not understand. But Wells gets to wear spandex leggings so that’s cool. Finally these two kiss and JoJo celebrates with “That was the moment Wells! We did it!” She’s the best. wells kissing jojo
We learn about Wells’ last relationship, which he sweats through. JoJo is actually sweating too. They are all alone in a giant mansion–couldn’t they get like a fan in there or something? Maybe open a window? They seem to have a decent connection but she is nervous that he seems skeptical about love and finding long term passion. She lets him down with a “there is something that was not 100% what I want it to be” and almost starts crying. Then he does?! Breaking up with people left and right would be THE. WORST.
Group Date: Living La Vida Boca 
Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex are on this adventure, which means Derrick and Chase are on the two-on-one. Chase turns into a d-bag and says “Derrick has nothing over me”. These fools hang with JoJo on a Sunday afternoon exploring a neighborhood. Oh my gosh you guys, poor James! He says he feels like he stumbled onto a set because he’s not a sexy dude. They stop for a soccer match and somehow JoJo is able to wrangle up some sneakers despite the fact that she was rocking heeled boots the rest of the date. They do a penalty kick off for a kiss with JoJo and HOORAY! James wins and gives her the teeniest little peck. JAMES! Lay one on her.jojo playing soccer in buenos aires
Luke and JoJo are wearing matching black leather moto jackets. I have not seen ONE man wearing these jackets in real life. ? I’m not going to summarize what these two yahoos are talking about but they are obsessed with each other and she cannot keep her hands off him. “We have that physical connection down”. No shit. Watching these two kiss in slo-mo with sound effects makes me want to puke. My phone autocorrected puke to Luke, which is appropriate.
James has his one-on-one time with JoJo and as if he has never seen the show before, spends his time with her talking about someone else. YOU GUYS!! This will get you sent home. James doesn’t even articulate well why Jordan isn’t good for her either, which is just useless. They kiss and it has about 1/10th the passion of what she has with Luke.
JoJo pulls Jordan aside (side note, he is also wearing a leather moto jacket) and calls him out on the altercation between him and James. JoJo, this is a bad move too. You could have brought this up more delicately than “James just told me…”. She then gets distracted by that mane and begins running her fingers through it. jordan's poofy hair on bacheloretteJordan is pissed and calls James out while everyone else is sitting there. It’s awkward.143 Luke and his loud kissing and gropey hands get the rose.
Two on One Date: It Takes Two 
These are the worst for all involved, including the audience. Made even worse is the fact that they have to do a three person tango with the most boobalicious instructor of all time.jojo tango with chase and derek
Derrick rubs me the wrong way. He tells her he’s falling in love with her and she responds with “I appreciate that”. MmmmHmmm. I can hear these two kissing. Gross. Gah-ross. Jojo’s dress has half a foot of net on the bottom. Like a nylon.
Seems like she isn’t feeling it with Chase. Or rather, she feels like he isn’t feeling it. But she tells him that she understands how he feels because she was there and she wishes she had told Ben earlier. So Chase gives it a whirl. And Derrick goes home while JoJo cries on the sidewalk for one minute before she slow dances in an empty room while giggling with Chase. jojo and chase don't cry for me argentina  Derrick leaves us with talking in the third person. “Derrick is imperfect”. The scenes of Derrick crying while some woman we have never heard of sings “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” is some of the producers best work.
Rose Ceremony
JoJo shows up in a pretty dramatic gown for a rose ceremony. As a reminder, Chase and Luke are safe. Tim walks in while I’m watching and sees Alex and is like “UGH. He’s still here?” My sentiments exactly. What the nuts is he wearing? Does he have no neck? A super big collar?
Jordan totally redeems himself and says he wants to “do life with her”. Alex is mad he hasn’t had a one-on-one but tries to play it cool. We then hear them kiss. ENOUGH! James needs to work on his self-esteem. Girls do not like boys who are constantly putting themselves down James (“there are guys here who make more cash, there are guys here who are better looking, heck, there are guys here that are probably smarter”). Ok, we get it.
JoJo goes out to have a pep talk with Chris Harrison. She comes back in and gives the first rose to Robby (that hair is like a manicured wave) and the second to Jordan. JoJo looks like she is going to throw up and then leaves the room. Side note: this episode has made me want to get a navy mani real bad. JoJo tells C. H., “I don’t want to give this rose out” and hands the rose to him. Does this mean she wants both guys? Doesn’t want either guy? She tells the fellas she couldn’t hand out that final rose and then good ol’ Chris marches in with two roses. Oh Bachelorette, you’re full of twists.harrison delivering jojo 2 roses
James is super grateful for the rose. Alex thinks it’s a pity rose. Guys, I would not pick ANY of these dudes for my husband. Or maybe even my boyfriend. It’s a lame crew for what may be my fave Bachelorette (except for maybe Jillian).

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