Bachelorette Recap: The Final Four

I realized this is a day late and a dollar short, as I’m recapping LAST week’s episode. I haven’t even watched the two from this week. I have many excuses, but they all deserve their own post. Anyway, my faint promise to you is to try to get caught up this weekend. Maybe.
Well, we started with 25 guys and now we’re down to the FINAL FOUR: Robby, Jordan, Luke and Chase. What a lame crew with a lot of amazing hair products.
The show kicks off in Highlands Ranch, Colorado where JoJo meets Chase, who is just standing in like a foot of snow waiting for her. He tells us/her that hisarents got divorced when he was 8 years old, but his dad  and his opinions mean a lot to me so she will be meeting his parents separately. JoJo has concerns because he’s not very vulnerable nor has he opened up that much, but thinks that it may be due to his family situation. She wants him to “open his heart”. I feel like there was a lot less of this stupid phrase on this season that in the past, amiright?chase and jojo hometown date
Chase owns a GINORMOUS single family home with a three car garage? With no stair rail, which is slightly unsettling. Like he couldn’t have gotten a buddy to come in there and fix that before the show?chase and jojo hometown date Chase’s dad comes over and for some reason, on national television, in front of his new girlfriend, Chase confronts his dad over why his first marriage didn’t work out. Why wouldn’t you ask that 20 years ago? Or like , off camera?
JoJo then gets to meet the rest of the family, which includes his mom, brother-in-law, sister, stepdad and nephew. JoJo seems really into Chase this episode—maybe more than I’ve ever seen before. JoJo and Chase’s mom go sit outside on what you think is a bench but its actually a chair lift! Genius! Move me to Colorado STAT! Chase’s sister is pretty boring. I checked out on that convo real quick, but I’m really into the mom. Chase finally tells JoJo how he feels about her and he feels “a sigh of relief”.
JoJo heads to beautiful Chico, California (insert sarcasm font here) to meet Jordan and his family. In my head, they lived in Wisconsin, obviously. You guys, Jordan has GOT to stop wearing those jeans. They are legit jeggings. Also, the wind blowing his hair is unreal. Jordan takes her to his high school to meet his football coach. FYI, Tim and I have been together for eight years and have never once taken one another to our high schools on numerous trips home. That is just such an odd place to go, unless you peaked in high school. Although, to be fair, that is not much to do in Chico. They make out in the library and then go look at the millions of photos of him around the locker room. JoJo sees a photo of Aaron in the room and points it out to Jordan, who ignores it, and then when she brings it up again while hanging out in the stadium and he gets super weird and is like “it’s not an issue”. I’m with JoJo-I’d want to get to the bottom of that.
The Rogers family has an ENORMOUS fountain outside their home in a gated community. Aaron must be helping out somehow. She meets, Darla, Ed, Luke and his girlfriend Lindsay who has joined in on the big hair bandwagon. I need like twenty minutes to figure out what is going on with that ‘do. It’s unreal. Do you think Luke is sad that he is the ugliest and least talented brother? Didn’t stop him for wearing those tight ass jeans though. She asks Luke about the Aaron situation and he is like “we’re all pretty sad about it and want to be a family again”. YOU GUYS, WHAT HAPPENED WITH AARON? But I like Luke. He seems like a nice and normal man, despite that hair. 
Oh God, what is the Dad wearing on his legs? The seams on those jeans are like whoa. Also, he maybe looks like Herman Muenster?jojo with jordan's dad on hometown dates Mom seems like a space cadet, or not genuine? Maybe it’s just her breathy voice?  Jordan tells JoJo that he’s in love with her and she says “a part of me is scared that if it is you and I at the end of this, will you want it to be forever?” and then he kind of smirks?! And then he’s pissed that she still doesn’t trust him, but I don’t either. Jordan…I know it, you know, JoJo knows it but doesn’t want to know it…you’re an asshole and you’re going to break her heart.
JoJo heads to St. Augustine to visit Robby with the good hair. Tim thinks he is the douchiest of the guys. I think Jordan is. What’s your vote? JoJo lets out a killer whistle and along comes a horse drawn carriage. St. Augustine is cute. I went there once when I was like 11 and lost my retainer at a restaurant and my mom almost killed me. My retainer was glow in the dark, by the way, which was super cool. JoJo tells Robby that she is concerned about his timeline, considering he just broke up with a serious multi-year girlfriend three months ago.  She says, “I don’t want to fill a void for you.” Robby lets her know it’s a non-issue, which means it is going to be an issue.jojo and robby on hometown dates
JoJo meets Robby’s mom, dad (Coach Hayes), two sisters, a brother-in-law, and two younger brothers. The family is sitting around drinking cocktails and eating snacks—my kind of family! Both brothers pull Robby aside and all three of them have the same hair. JoJO hangs with the mom (Holly) and says that Robby is the most vulnerable and in touch with his feelings, and then asks if Robby is ready to be engaged. Holly says that if he says he is ready, he is ready, and JoJo then tells the mom that she is falling in love with him. Really?
Robby hangs with his mom, who has to tell him that out in the world is the rumor that he broke up with the ex-girlfriend to go on the show, started by the ex’s roommate. Robby tells JoJo the rumor, and she basically doesn’t believe him. He reassures her that his relationship with Hope was over 9 months before it actually ended. Ugh. I’m so bored with this. But props to Robby for addressing it head on I guess?
Next up: Burnet, Texas to visit Luke. And for the first time ever I realized Luke is as bowlegged as a mother! I have never noticed it before and now I cannot unsee it. Luke drives her down some dirt road to the family ranch, where he is hosting an enormous family BBQ. JoJo meets his mom, dad, sister and 50 of his closest friends, which is weird right? Maybe less pressure though because its’ more of a party and you’re not having dinner with three people? There is some terrible hair in that audience—mullets, dyed bright red. Also lots of croakies, which are the worst. Luke’s mom is darling and his Dad rocks a cowboy hat like a champ. Luke is planning on telling JoJo “you have my heart”. Never in my 35 years on this planet has anyone said anything like that to me, and for that, I am thankful. You guys, Luke’s dad is my favorite man on this show. He teared up talking about how proud he was of Luke serving the country and coming home safely. Plus he can BBQ. Luke’s dad would get my final rose. Maybe Gramps too.luke with his dad on bachelorette
Luke  and JoJo ride horses out into a gorgeous field to a couch made of haybales and now I want to live in Texas and have this in my backyard. As the sun sets beautifully behind them, Luke says, “My heart gets more and more involved”. What does that even mean? Then they walk down a path of candles to a heart of flower petals and he tells her that his heart is hers. Cheeseball city. I would run for that black blazer so fast. And while JoJo doesn’t quite do that, she doesn’t seem as torn up to leave him as she did the other few fellas.14
The rose ceremony takes place at an airport hangar, which is “unique”. JoJo is wearing an electric blue sequin gown. She looks like a mermaid.  Didn’t she wear a bright blue mermaid gown a few weeks ago? She walks into the rose ceremony, is pretty emotional, and tells us that she thinks she needs to say goodbye to Luke, which is too bad because I liked his family the best. Just as she’s about to give out the first rose, Luke says “JoJo, can I talk for you a sec?” and he pulls her aside. He tells her that maybe he didn’t say what he needed to say the other night and wanted to make sure she knew that he is in love with her. She tells him that is what she’s been waiting to hear, thanks him and then walks away swearing saying “of course it changes things”. Like honestly, what is the ACTUAL difference between “I’m falling in love with you” and “My heart is yours”. Nothing. Girlfriend is crouched on the floor sobbing. Can’t someone get her a chair? jojo in blue sequin dressAnd can someone get me these boobs? Of course, this episode is TO BE CONTINUED.
Hold on your hats for a two episodes next week! We’ll find out who gets the rose plus Men Tell All.

Bachelorette Recap: I Gaucho Get JoJo’s Bod

This is the last round before hometowns. Six guys left. Three one-on-one dates and a group date. All of the guys have had a one-on-one with JoJo except for Alex, who, obviously gets the first date card.
One-on-One Date: Alex, I Gaucho On My Mind
Why does Alex wear army boots on every date?! We get it, you’re a marine. Also, stop tucking your pants into them. That DOES NOT elongate your mini-legs. BootsJoJo says she’s really comfortable with him, but she’s not feeling it romantically. They make Pringles duck faces which is always a good time to me, but there seems to be a lot of silence between the two of them.jojo and alex road trip
The rest of the boys ride to countryside in a ridiculous bus. James is wearing a dumb tank top and Robby is legit wearing the slippers from the hotel. This must be a long ass bus ride because they have time to make up a rap about how tiny Alex is.img_1205
Alex and JoJo finally arrive at their destination where they will be gauchos for the day. Alex comes out in a “gaucho costume” and looks ridiculous. JoJo is pretty much wearing suede bell bottoms. alex as gaucho on bacheloretteThey ride through the countryside and witness some horse yoga/massage. And now I want an Argentinian horse. This horse is like, “Stop making out on my head you little effers.”jo jo and alex snuggling horse
The boys arrive at a sweet polo club where they will stay for a week and I’m wondering again about what those poor girls on Chris Soules season did to deserve their terrible locales. You guys, James Taylor’s arm tattoo is an enormous eagle head over an even more ginormous American flag. Yikes.james taylor tattoo bachelorette
Alex and JoJo chat it up over some delicious Argentinian wine and he tells her that he’s falling in love with her and she has no response. Literally, nothing. Not a “thank you”, not an “I appreciate that”. Stunned silence and then she says, “When you tell me you’re falling in love with me, I don’t feel as excited as I should feel. In my heart, I don’t think I would get to that point.”  Ooof. JoJo, you obviously felt like this going into today, so why did you spend hours making out with him? She could have at least been more aloof so he wasn’t so blindsided. I don’t like the guy, but I actually feel bad for him. Bye Alex!
One-on-One Date: Jordan, Let’s Toast to Love!
Jordan and JoJo take a private jet to Mendoza to go wine tasting. They start by crushing grapes I Love Lucy style and then drinking the juice, which is nasty. Jordan is wearing swim trunks maybe? jojo and jordan stomping grapes on bacheloretteOh, ok. They hit up a hot tub next so that makes sense. Is it weird/creepy that I spend my time looking at JoJo in a bikini as opposed to any of the guys when they are shirtless? She’s just so dang attractive! At dinner, they got into it. If she goes home she’ll meet mom, dad, and older brother Luke, and the bulldog, Carl Weathers. Jordan shares that he doesn’t have a close relationship with Aaron. Jordan chose to stay close with his family and Aaron did not. Doesn’t have hard feelings against him and he loves him, but they don’t talk. Jordan really opened up about being disappointed in everything he did because he couldn’t live up to coach’s expectations, as he followed in the footsteps of someone who did it the best. And now I like Jordan more than I have the entire season even though he is probably still a douche. Jordan tells her he’s so in love with her as their food goes cold in front of them. They must spend thousands of dollars on wasted food. JoJo’s response was much warmer than the other reaction to the other two, with a “That makes me so happy” and a major make-out sesh against a wall in a back alley. Pure romance.
Date card! Chase, James and Robby: Let Our Love Soar
It’s pouring down rain. They were supposed to do a fun adventure outdoors, but instead are “gonna kick it”. James starts it off by shoving a million fries in his mouth, then they do a massage train, which I want to do, followed by Bachelor Heads Up which I would be fab at. JoJo dares Robby to strip to his undies and run through the halls. He knocks on all the doors and shows his butt and apologizes to his MeeMaw and now Robby is my fave. He tells her in their one/on/one time together that he dated someone for three years and they just broke up about 4 months ago. That makes her a little nervous, but let’s all recall she was ready to engaged to Ben a few short months ago.
JoJo and Chase had a long talk, but I was too busy reading an article in Us Weekly titled, “Woman Slut Shames Taylor Swift, Compares her Vagina to Ham Sandwich”. http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/woman-compares-taylor-swifts-vagina-to-a-ham-sandwich-w212607
James T addresses the elephant in the room with JoJo and acknowledges that fact that she has more of a physical attraction with other guys, and she responds very nicely with a “You have the qualities I would want in a husband and father”. Basically, she knows she should marry someone like JT, but the passion just isn’t there. Sorry James Taylor, you’re just too nice. Also: james taylot eating french fries on bachelorette
JoJo gives the rose to Robby, and prefaces it by saying she feels really confident in her choice and is excited to meet that person’s family. Because Robby gets the rose, he gets to spend more time with JoJOa nd peaces out the other two fellas.
One-on-One: Luke
Luke makes a much better cowboy than Alex and really looks the part. Snowflake the pony is my favorite part. FYI, JoJo’s riding boots are from Old Navy. OLD NAVY. I somehow discovered her Bachelorette stylists’ instagram and he tells you where every outfit is from, which is pretty sweet.jojo and luke with horse JoJo really tailor made this date for Luke–horse back riding and clay pigeon shooting. He’s real manly. Also, did anyone notice he said “my family’s ranch”? Are all these folks just super rich? Either way, girlfriend is all about him and says “I can see a life with Luke.” I’m still not seeing it girl.
Rose Ceremony
Luke’s date is cut short and they go straight into the rose ceremony, but not before going for a leisurely ride in a horse drawn carriage. Robby is safe. Luke gets the first rose, Jordan gets the second and Chase gets the third. Sorry James Taylor. Maybe you shouldn’t have worn an electric blue button down to the rose ceremony. JoJo feels really bad about this one. She starts crying, tells him that he has made her a better person and hopes he finds someone that loves him the way he loves.bachelorette jojo crying He handles this quite nicely! No anger or frustration, just wishes her the best. And, in the classiest move, says nothing while in the van riding off into the sunset.I’m sure this heartbreak will give him some great songwriting material.
Next week: Hometown Dates!

Bachelorette Recap: Do Cry for Me Argentina (if you’re Derek)

This week takes us to Buenos Aires, which is filled with many men wearing berets.BA tourism must be paying ABC hardcore. They cannot stop raving about how they will find love in Paris, it’s the most romantic place, blah blah blah. Move over Paris.
Chris welcomes the boys and tells them there is another two on one this week and everyone is worked up. Apparently this is the first time they’ve ever had two two-on-ones in one season? Then the boys walk through BA in the most ridiculous get ups. Luke is wearing cammo joggers, Jordan is in leggings, Robby is in a black v-neck and a black blazer and 80’s jeans.Where do these guys shop? Als, ALex is a good foot shorter than the rest of these dudes. He looks like a little kid. bachelorette in buenos aires
One-On-One: Besame! Besame Muchacho!
Wells gets the one on one date. His hair is bad, girls. Real bad. He admits he’s the only guy who hasn’t kissed her yet. Oh geez, Wells changed into a ridic leather moto jacket for his date. When JoJo picks him up Luke goes “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” . Guy, you’re 30+. Let’s get over it.Wells looks nervous .145
These two walk through BA and then participate in some sort of performance art that I do not understand. But Wells gets to wear spandex leggings so that’s cool. Finally these two kiss and JoJo celebrates with “That was the moment Wells! We did it!” She’s the best. wells kissing jojo
We learn about Wells’ last relationship, which he sweats through. JoJo is actually sweating too. They are all alone in a giant mansion–couldn’t they get like a fan in there or something? Maybe open a window? They seem to have a decent connection but she is nervous that he seems skeptical about love and finding long term passion. She lets him down with a “there is something that was not 100% what I want it to be” and almost starts crying. Then he does?! Breaking up with people left and right would be THE. WORST.
Group Date: Living La Vida Boca 
Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex are on this adventure, which means Derrick and Chase are on the two-on-one. Chase turns into a d-bag and says “Derrick has nothing over me”. These fools hang with JoJo on a Sunday afternoon exploring a neighborhood. Oh my gosh you guys, poor James! He says he feels like he stumbled onto a set because he’s not a sexy dude. They stop for a soccer match and somehow JoJo is able to wrangle up some sneakers despite the fact that she was rocking heeled boots the rest of the date. They do a penalty kick off for a kiss with JoJo and HOORAY! James wins and gives her the teeniest little peck. JAMES! Lay one on her.jojo playing soccer in buenos aires
Luke and JoJo are wearing matching black leather moto jackets. I have not seen ONE man wearing these jackets in real life. ? I’m not going to summarize what these two yahoos are talking about but they are obsessed with each other and she cannot keep her hands off him. “We have that physical connection down”. No shit. Watching these two kiss in slo-mo with sound effects makes me want to puke. My phone autocorrected puke to Luke, which is appropriate.
James has his one-on-one time with JoJo and as if he has never seen the show before, spends his time with her talking about someone else. YOU GUYS!! This will get you sent home. James doesn’t even articulate well why Jordan isn’t good for her either, which is just useless. They kiss and it has about 1/10th the passion of what she has with Luke.
JoJo pulls Jordan aside (side note, he is also wearing a leather moto jacket) and calls him out on the altercation between him and James. JoJo, this is a bad move too. You could have brought this up more delicately than “James just told me…”. She then gets distracted by that mane and begins running her fingers through it. jordan's poofy hair on bacheloretteJordan is pissed and calls James out while everyone else is sitting there. It’s awkward.143 Luke and his loud kissing and gropey hands get the rose.
Two on One Date: It Takes Two 
These are the worst for all involved, including the audience. Made even worse is the fact that they have to do a three person tango with the most boobalicious instructor of all time.jojo tango with chase and derek
Derrick rubs me the wrong way. He tells her he’s falling in love with her and she responds with “I appreciate that”. MmmmHmmm. I can hear these two kissing. Gross. Gah-ross. Jojo’s dress has half a foot of net on the bottom. Like a nylon.
Seems like she isn’t feeling it with Chase. Or rather, she feels like he isn’t feeling it. But she tells him that she understands how he feels because she was there and she wishes she had told Ben earlier. So Chase gives it a whirl. And Derrick goes home while JoJo cries on the sidewalk for one minute before she slow dances in an empty room while giggling with Chase. jojo and chase don't cry for me argentina  Derrick leaves us with talking in the third person. “Derrick is imperfect”. The scenes of Derrick crying while some woman we have never heard of sings “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” is some of the producers best work.
Rose Ceremony
JoJo shows up in a pretty dramatic gown for a rose ceremony. As a reminder, Chase and Luke are safe. Tim walks in while I’m watching and sees Alex and is like “UGH. He’s still here?” My sentiments exactly. What the nuts is he wearing? Does he have no neck? A super big collar?
Jordan totally redeems himself and says he wants to “do life with her”. Alex is mad he hasn’t had a one-on-one but tries to play it cool. We then hear them kiss. ENOUGH! James needs to work on his self-esteem. Girls do not like boys who are constantly putting themselves down James (“there are guys here who make more cash, there are guys here who are better looking, heck, there are guys here that are probably smarter”). Ok, we get it.
JoJo goes out to have a pep talk with Chris Harrison. She comes back in and gives the first rose to Robby (that hair is like a manicured wave) and the second to Jordan. JoJo looks like she is going to throw up and then leaves the room. Side note: this episode has made me want to get a navy mani real bad. JoJo tells C. H., “I don’t want to give this rose out” and hands the rose to him. Does this mean she wants both guys? Doesn’t want either guy? She tells the fellas she couldn’t hand out that final rose and then good ol’ Chris marches in with two roses. Oh Bachelorette, you’re full of twists.harrison delivering jojo 2 roses
James is super grateful for the rose. Alex thinks it’s a pity rose. Guys, I would not pick ANY of these dudes for my husband. Or maybe even my boyfriend. It’s a lame crew for what may be my fave Bachelorette (except for maybe Jillian).