Bachelorette Recap:Alex is the New Enemy

As a reminder, JoJo dumps Chad in the woods and walks off into the sunset with Lord Farkwad. The boys pop champagne and legit new year poppers to celebrate the news, while Chad marches through the woods to go find Alex. chad scraping door

The boys gather to “honor arguably the worst person anybody has ever met” by spreading his protein powder ‘ashes’. Meanwhile Chad whistles his way through the forest back to the house where the boys are all staying. The boys all gather around and have a pointless conversation with him in which nothing is resolved and then Chad walks away into the wilderness. The boys then celebrate Alex upon his arrival home by carrying hi on their shoulders and smashing him in the face with cupcakes. cake in chad's face

Cocktail Party Time!

JoJo shows up rocking a dress that looks like a molting seagull but in a hot way. Chase says he and JoJo have “instant comfortability” with one another. That’s not a  word Chase. Robby reminds me of Scott Disick- a suit and tie with no socks, gross.

One of the guys, I have no idea who, says that he wrote her a poem a few weeks ago that he has been carrying it around with him in his pocket: Her heart is like a treasure, her dream is not far away. And whenever she decides to hand someone the key, that man should let her know and daily help her see, the wonder that is her, the beauty that is she. Yuck. She sits there with a creeped out look on her face until Alex shows up to chat with her. Luke also takes time with her, which really isn’t fair. If you have a rose, back off dudes. Also, his forehead is so small or something? These two really like one another but I am not feeling him. Jordan takes her around the corner and pretty much throws her up against the wall. Yowza. She eats him and that terrible hair right up. jordan kissing JoJo against wall

Rose Ceremony Safe this week: Derrick (Tim calls him a cheesedick), Robby, Chase, Wells, Grant, Vinny (seriously? he’s wearing a chartreuse shirt), James T. She gives the final rose to EVAN!! She sends the Canadian and the poet home. Was the poet the boxing club owner?

On to Uruguay! 

The boys are staying at The Grand Hotel which, according to Evan, has a 360* view of the ocean. So…are you in the ocean? Is this an island? Jordan gets the first one-on-one date, and as soon as he leave everyone starts talking a lot of shit about him. They go on a boat out to seal island where  they whip on some wetsuits and jump in some nasty water.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, the boys are reading gossip mags with tell alls from her ex-boyfriend. Luke, Derrick, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells and Alex get the group date but now they’re all down on JoJo and don’t think she’s there for the right reasons.

Back at the date, JoJo shares that she met one of Jordan’s ex-girlfriends. He gets super awkward, takes a big sip of his drink and says “I don’t even know what to say”. She straight out asks if he cheated and he denied it, but he knows the kind of man he is and has learned his lesson. Could you guys imagine having this conversation on your first real date? Sidenote: I really like JoJo-she’s so real. She gives Jordan the rose and I really hope he doesn’t break her heart. I also hope he stops wearing leggings.

Poor girlfriend is chatting about her great day, and the producer shows her the article. It’s not a good scene. FYI, guys, this is her ex-boyfriend Chad. So apparently she has a thing for pompadours. He looks like such a d-bag. JoJo walks in to address the article with the boys and they all now fully trust her. Quick turnaround boys. Also, I think maybe Vinny is growing on me?

Group Date: Sand Surfing! 

So far the weather in Uruguay is unimpressive.And sand surfing doesn’t seem to be anything I’m interested in doing. Also, have you noticed that the boy dates get to do fun activities and on The Bachelor the girls have to do dumb stuff like pose naked for pet calendars or get their sweat bottled up for phermones?

Oh my god, Derrick has a bead of sweat on his forehead while talking to her. Get it together  guy. Alex has decided that Derrick is the bad guy, disingenuous, and doesn’t have enough self-confidence for JoJo (actually he calls him ‘an insecure little bitch’), which of course makes me dislike Alex. JoJo gives the rose to Derrick who “needs reassurance”.

Also, every single guy is wearing tight pants, a v-neck t-shirt and a blazer. Is this a look? What happened to a nice pretty button down?

One-on-One with Robby! 

Honestly, if this was my entire date I would have been happy.

These two knucklheads have a fun day exploring Punta Del Este (?) and eating one bite of their arepas. They decide to leap of a cliff into the water, and Robby’s swim trunks are my fave. I also love that these two are wearing aquasocks. Nothing sexier. 

Robby tells us (JoJo) that his best friend died last year in an insanely tragic way. It forced Robby to re-examine his life and he then quit his job, moved cities and ended his relationship of three years. Robby tells her he’s in love with her and she said, “Thank you so much.” Eeeeeee! But he does get the rose, and they go for a stroll, leaving two delicious steaks and a lame, undressed sitting uneaten on a plate. I will say, this date makes me like Robby much more. Robby, are you my sleeper?

Cocktail Party Rose Ceremony

Derrick pulls Jordan, Robby, Alex and Chase outside to tell them he felt targeted and that they are like a high school clique. The guys are worked up about it. Everyone just focus on yourselves. Grant wants to stay above the drama. Give me more Grant!

Chris Harrison marches in and tells the guys that JoJo has made her mind up, there is no cocktail party tonight and three guys are going home. Alex just keeps calling people “little bitches” and now he is my least favorite person on the show. Someone on twitter called Alex the Regina George of the season. Genius. 

JoJo struts in to the rose ceremony and Tim and I both went “whoa”. That green dress is SMOKING. green dress

Safe tonight: Luke, Chase, Alex (BOOOOOO!!), James and Wells. Going home are Grant, Vinny and Evan. All white dudes from here on out! Evan felt like this was “daggers through the heart”. I feel like he has some low self-esteem. Poor Grant is both hurt and confused. Vinny and his aqua tie are sad but he tries to keep it together.

Next Week: Buenos Aires

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