Before we head into this recap, someone turned the below ridiculousness into a gif and I can’t stop laughing at it:
We kick this episode off with a pool party in lieu of a cocktail party, which seems way more fun for everyone. JoJo is in loooooorve with Jordan. She is wrapped around him like a blanket. But she also kisses Robby? I don’t see it.
She gets some time with Chad who attempts to explain his, “Seriously? You’re vibing this guy?” by saying that if she likes Evan, there is no way she can like him. Which, yeah. Alex wastes his time with JoJo talking about Chad. She also kisses Derrick after he shares his take on Chad, which I honestly don’t get. Like, you can’t have chemistry with ALL these guys?Chad approaches Derick after and asks why he keeps talking shit about him. Derrick handled himself quite nicely, actually. I really didn’t pay attention to anything they said because i was distracted by their necklace microphones.
Remember that James Taylor, Evan and Chase are safe heading into this rose ceremony. Safe this time: Grant (rockin’ the suspenders), Derrick, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny (really? Still?), Daniel, Alex. It’s between Nick, Ari, Christian and Chad. Obviously the producers will not let Chad go home. Sorry boys. Also, goodbye all other non-white guys! Grant, you’re the sole survivor!
Pack Your Bags! You’re going to a random ass town in Pennsylvania! Evan says the place they’re staying is “manly and rugged” and he “feels really comfortable”. Dude, I think not.
Luke Gets the First One-on-One: I Like You Very Mush
Dog sledding! My head would 100% explode on this date. I might like it more than swimming with pigs. What is Luke wearing? Skinny jeans and a leather moto jacket? Basically what I would wear out on a date. JoJo jumps in the tub and yells, “Oh F*CK!” because it’s hot as hell. Luke has to hold her over it and lower her in like a baby. Something about Luke is off to me. Is it the deep-set eyes? The pointy forehead? He seems a little slow. Their conversation was boring as hell.
Back at the house the following boys get called for a group date: Derrick, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby. Alex and Chad did not get called, which automatically means two-on-one date. So much testosterone on that date.Did you guys notice that Alex is 26 now? In last night’s episode he was 25. Did he have a birthday on the show?
Luke & JoJo go to an empty restaurant in a potentially abandoned town. We learn Luke’s story. That he was recruited from Texas to play football at West Point, which he calls Ivy League, which it’s not. Then he headed to Afghanistan and he lost a buddy. “I live for the things in life that make the hair stand up on the back of your neck…moments like this, when I’m looking into your eyes, and know that your eyes are the eyes I could be looking into for the rest of my life.” Yuck. JoJo eats this up. Which is the only thing she eats because the pasta is sitting untouched on her plate. He gets the rose and then she brings him into a theater full of people who are cheering for them and they have to stand on a stage and be serenaded by some other random band no one has ever heard of. At least now we know where everyone in the town was hiding.
We. Could. Go. All. The. Way.
This group date kicks off in Pittsburgh where JoJo takes the boys to Heinz Field. They are greeted by serial rapist, Ben Roethlisberger. Oh abc. This is a new low. Could you maybe not have featured him so prominently? Especially in light of the Stanford rape factoring so prominently in the news this week. And JoJo, I’m really disappointed you went along with this. Ben asks JoJo who her faves are she throws out Chase, James Taylor, Jordan. Then she says Evan, which, let’s be serious. If Roethlisberger tried to hug me, I would kick him in his nuts so hard. These guys go bonkers while rapey raper-face eats snacks from the stand.
James Taylor gets knocked in the face really hard, needs stitches, but goes back on the field anyway for his girl. Awww. Heinz throws down the challenge. They’re going to play a game. Winner gets to spend the night with JoJo and the losers have to go home.
You guys, Evan is gay right? I mean, no straight man would wear the sweat band over his bangs like that. I feel like the blue team is at an advantage with a former pro quarterback. Evan gets a bloody nose for the second time this season. Team Blue somehow eeks out a win and dumps ice on their coach. Team White heads home licking their wounds. Ostensibly Robby is attractive, but I just do not see it. Also, his hair is ridic. That night JoJo kisses Derrick again. Kisses James T. Kisses Jordan. Girlfriend is a real make-out bandit! But she gives the rose to Jordan.
Two-on-One: Let’s Get Lost!
The date card arrives while all the dudes are sitting cheek to cheek on the couch. Everyone gets real riled up, with Chad yelling at both Alex and Grant threatening them to fight. This guy is asking for it. Chad is such a creeper—he is constantly hovering at the edge of conversations. And then he goes after Jordan: “When this ends, you’ll go home. When you go home, you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house?” Then every single dude sits on the couch in silence with Chad hanging in the back. Can’t they get another couch for these guys?
These two yahoos get on a helicopter for the date and Alex is legit dressed for battle. They go for a hike and then sit three in a row on a rock. These two on one dates are the absolute worst. Alex spends his time talking about Chad, which is so boring. JoJo confronts Chad who really can’t say anything about his actions except for “I haven’t touched anyone” and she then tries to explain away his behavior with the fact that his mom passed away six months ago. Chad comes back to Alex and says, “It’s just unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.” This devolves into a conversation about milk being delicious. Chad, just punch someone and get over it.
JoJo point blank asks Chad if he has threatened people in the house. He responds, “It’s not 100% false.” Probably not what she wanted to hear. She tells him that she doesn’t want someone who is physically violent and can’t get along with others and gives the rose to Alex. Chad marches off and the boys are rejoice when Chad’s bag is taken home with shots of fireball.
abc leaves us with Chad having a total meltdown in the woods. “She’s either an actress or she’s a complete BEEEEEEEEEEPP!” Chad then marches in the dark through the woods and finds his way back to the house. Lets all recall that they took a helicopter to this date, but he hiked home in the dark, whistling all the way. TO BE CONTINUED (again)…