Bachelorette Recap: Torsos Everywhere

You’ll notice there is no recap for episode two. That’s because I didn’t watch it, didn’t record it and it’s not on On Demand. Sorry folks. Maybe some day I will go back and recap that, but dear Lord in heaven, there are four hours of The Bachelorette this week and I don’t have enough time in the day two watch two more.
To whoever TP’ed the Bachelor mansion. Well done you.
Oh my God, somehow both Chad and Evan have made the cut! Evan is wearing a hideous tank top. If you’re going to rock the facial hair and that haircut please don’t wear a tank top. Wait, VINNY is still here? What is going on?! Who is driving this bus?
Chris Harrison delivers the first one-on-one date and it goes to Chase who I don’t really even remember from episode one. They make Chris Harrison clean up the TP job. Delightful! Chris is a good sport.
One-on-One: Let’s Get Physical
Hemaaalaaaayaaa greets these two by sharing that this won’t be a traditional yoga class, it will be an intimate yoga class and then very scriptedly asks them how long they’ve been intimate. As if  Hemaaaaaaaaaaalllllaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaa has never seen The Bachelor. You guys, is this a joke? I have done a lot of yoga in my life and have seen this sort of yoga before in my life with the “heys” and the tantrums. Just go to Core Power Yoga you freaks.
Cut to Daniel and Chad lifting at the house. Chad’s veins are popping out of his skin. Daniel is really into showing off his butt.chad and daniel working out
Back to JoJo. Does she have a permanent snapchat filter on her face? No one in real world  has skin like this! Hemaaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaaaaaaaayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa brings in her intimate partner who is wearing underpants. She is making JoJo sit in Chase’s  lap with their faces one inch apart. JoJo seems INTO IT and then they start making out. Later on they have lame talks while sitting on a couch. Is there even a pretense that they’re eating meals this season? These conversations are so unnatural. Could you imagine if you were on your first date and started talking about getting engaged? I would run for the hills. Long story short, Chase gets a rose and says “I want to be a part of her world”.
Then these two walk outside to listen to a private concert from Charles Kelly (WHO?). For all you who are new to the Bachelor(ette) series, every season they force the couples to be the audience for a private concert and are forced to awkwardly dance. It’s always my least favorite date.
Group Date!
Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ari, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex and Chad are invited on this bad boy. James says he wishes he was on the date and Chad responds he doesn’t even want to go. Jordan calls him out and is basically like, “You do realize you are on The Bachelor, right?” The boys then tell him to cross his name off the date if he feels that way. For no reason whatsoever, Jordan comes out with: “Whatever team Chad’s on, lets hope it’s a bench press competition, not a spelling contest.” This really fires Chadup  and he tells Jordan he’s a failed football player that hasn’t done anything with his life. Then there is a lot of “Try me bro” with Alex and bunch of nervous laughter in the back.
JoJo brings the guys to some sort of improv show about orgasms called Sex Talks. These boys then have to get up on stage to share their sex stories with strangers. Evan is excited because he’s, you know, he’s an Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. Daniel wants to talk about poop. Chad thinks sex should be private and JoJo hasn’t earned the right to hear this yet. Grant, who looks way better in skinny jeans than me, tells a cute little story about losing his virginity in a sleeping bag in a park and getting caught by the cops.  Vinny tells a story about his mom walking in on him masturbating, Daniel’s story involves him tying up a girl and chopping her hair off with a knife he carries with him when he travels (for some reason people are laughing?), Wells tells a story about a farting threesome I think?  Evan nervously tells a story about Chad taking steroids and it’s effect on erections and when Evan comes back up, Chad basically rips his shirt off. JChad then brings JoJo up on stage and say, “I don’ think its about the past, its about the future” and tries to kiss her. She straight out gives him the cheek. DENIED! 
Chad apparently punches a wall about this whole situation and says “if he can’t lift weights, I’m going to murder someone”. Even Daniel takes Evan’s side. I fear that Chad is going to actually injure someone on this show.
Jordan and his flopsy hair are chatting with JoJo and sharing that they have only been in one serious relationship in their (collective) life. Girlfriend loves her a Rogers. Alex says he’s “ride or die” which means that I would immediately send him home. Chad interrupts JoJo and Nick (?) and girlfriend was like, “Um, he just sat down” which means “I do not want to spend time with you.” You guys, Evan is ballsy! He approached Chad again and said he needs an apology. Chad responds that he is “bullied” by Evan. Um?? Chad then hovers over every single guy’s one-on-one time with JoJo and judges everything every single one of them says. JoJo is trying to figure this guy out. Basically she is attracted to him and doesn’t want to believe he’s a total dickhead. Evan approaches JoJo and tells her, “It’s either him or me”, which, let’s be serious Evan, you’re not really in a position to deliver such ultimatums. And I have just figured out who Evan reminds me of: George McFly.
JoJo tells him she can’t make a decision like that, asks him to accept the rose. Also, he has kids? JoJo comes back and shares why she picked Evan. He explodes with, “are you joking? Is this serious? You’re actually vibing this dude” which is the second time he’s used “vibing” in as many episodes. She tells him he’s disrespectful. I cannot imagine he will make it through this episode after this behavior, but I’ve been wrong before.
Oh shit, you guys, they got a security guard to watch over Chad. Hilarious.Also, how many guys are in this room? 
James Taylor, our little singer-songwriter gets the next one-on-on-date, kicking it old school. She looks adorable. These two have a fun little dance lesson with the sweetest old lady I ever did see. Poor James has two left feet. He’s goofy, but seems like such a fun guy! I don’t think he’s going to make it in the long run—not edgy enough for our gal. James tells us a sob story about how he doesn’t think he’s attractive enough for a gal like her, so obviously she has to give him the rose otherwise she’d look like a real a-hole. Hooray for James’ self-esteem! I’d like to note that my husband plays the guitar and has never once written a song for me in 8 years together and James has written one for JoJo after two weeks. James: 1 Tim: 0 These two kiss, which is surprising to me. I’m not really seeing her interest but what do I know. 
Daniel has a heart to heart with Chad and tells him to take him down a notch. His concern is that he’s bringing him down by hanging out with him.  “Let’s pretend your Hitler. Don’t be so much like Hitler, be more like Mousselini. Or Bush.” During this whole conversation, Chad is noshing on a sweet potato like its an apple or something. 
Chris Harrison swings by to share with the boys that there will not be a cocktail party tonight—straight to the rose ceremony fellas! The good news is that she wants an all day pool party. Evan then pulls Chris aside and tells him what has happened (as if he didn’t know). Evan, no one likes a tattle tale! Chris loves the drama. He confronts Chad about steroids and rather than deny it he says, “There’s no way I could have brought them with me.” Tim, the lawyer, says ‘That’s admission”. Chris makes Chad apologize, like a little kid. He follows this up with “I’m going to cut everyone’s arms off and legs off, and there are going to be torsos everywhere and I’m going to throw them in the pool”. Run for your lives boys. Run for your lives. TO BE CONTINUED…

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2 thoughts on “Bachelorette Recap: Torsos Everywhere

  1. Please tell me if the new trend in men’s hair cuts is the weird very floppy, bouffant thing that so many of these fellows have going on? Jordan, Robbie, Chase, even poor Evan – is this a thing?

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  2. George McFly is a good call, but Evan also reminds me of….THE DUKE! “Why should the courtesan choose the penniless sitar player over the maharajah?”

    Like

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