You guys. The Bachelorette debuted nine days ago and I haven’t even posted yet. The. Worst. But the people have spoken (aka one of my friends asked me if I was going to do a recap again this year) so I’m back at it, albeit slightly delayed. Let’s begin.
I really liked JoJo last season. She is smoking hot, fun loving and seems like a great girl. But thanks to the Bachelor I am reminded that she came out of the limo with a mother effing unicorn on her head.Terrible. Secondly, this recap of last season made me want to punch Ben in the nads. “I found love with you but I found it with someone else more?” What a dick. I stopped following him on instagram because I was sick of looking at Lauren’s wax face and terrible denim shorts. Will I watch their televised wedding? You betcha.
Of course there is a montage of JoJo marching around the beach in a bikini by herself with a voiceover. Ugh. She is so pretty. What is the producer’s direction while she is walking on the beach? Stare into the sun? Sexily climb onto the lifeguard stand?
JoJo meets up with Kaitlyn, Ali and Desiree to get some advice before heading on the show. First off, Ali didn’t even marry the guy. Did Desiree? I didn’t watch these girls but Desiree seems pretty boring. K says Cupcake was her first kiss?! Why did I not remember that?! Can someone do my hair and makeup like JoJo on the reg? K has tiny bird arms that I can snap. Is Desiree pregs too? Eagle eyes over here noticed she is also drinking water with lemon. I think the best advice they gave was: don’t just pay attention to the guy you want to bone.
Meet the Men
Full disclosure, I already saw the list of all of Jojo’s men on US Weekly and I was not impressed. Like, some of them were so hideous that I thought it was a joke. But I realize those stock photos don’t always capture the essence of these dudes so I’m willing to give them a chance.Let’s hit up the profiles of guys they think will last and/or are the worst:
Grant. Firefighter which makes him already hot. He hopes “JoJo lights his fire”. I hope the producers made him say that.
Jordan. Former pro quarterback (and younger brother of Aaron Rogers). No current job apparently. Jeans are way too tight. Like, these are basically leggings right?
Alex. Marine with a very square face. Lots of arm tats on these folks thus far. He’s a TWIN!! Please. No more twins. I cannot. I. CANNOT.
James. His hair looks like weird cartoon guy that has red hair and wears a leather jacket. Does anyone know who I’m talking about?Anyway, James is a bachelor fan. I do appreciate that he has a bracket for every season.Genius. Does he live at home? No man decorated that house he is in.
Oh my god, you guys. I just googled “cartoon characters that wear leather jackets” and this guy came up!! Totes the same as James.
Evan. Oh my Lord. This guy is rat face 2.0. He’s a former pastor who now helps guys with erectile dysfunction. Also, arm tat.He also said he’s “got mojo for JoJo.” The worst.
Ali. Ooh lala! He’s a good looking dude. Sadly he’s a bartender and has no motivation. Definitely the black sheep of his family. He wants a house by the beach. Dude, that won’t happen if you continue with your bartending ways. Get a real job. I cannot find a good photo of Ali so sorry.
Christian. Goes to the gym at 4am. We would not be compatible. Peace out.
Luke. Cowboy/war veteran. Cute at first glance but maybe crazy eyes? This guy is in a small town, but potentially not as small/terrible as Chris’.
Now its time for JoJo to meet the men. And she is super hot. Those boobs! Love.
Jordan’s hair is crazy. Super flopsy. Cut it down Jordan.
Derek–commercial banker. He seems genuine and compliments her sense of self.
Here comes Grant! Not a great intro.
James-Boxing Club owner. Black suit and black shirt. Automatic strike.
Robby–former competitive swimmer. Brings her a bottle of wine which is a nice touch…and then makes her drink from the bottle like her mama. Hilarious.Two points for Robby for the bottle of wine. Minus one point for the fact that his name is Robby.
The marine. Is he like 4 feet tall? Even being a tiny man, his pants are too short.
Will. Civil engineer. Fake drops his card. Dorky.
Chad. Luxury real estate agent from Tulsa. Let’s be honest here, how much luxury real estate is there is Tulsa? Chad awkwardly holds her hands and looks like he wants to eat her right up. It’s part sexy part scary.
Daniel. Oh god. This guy is wearing the black shirt black suit combo too and his profession is “Canadian”. Not cute. Weird eyebrows. Strikes all around.
Ali. Ugh. Not as cute in this setting. His hair is jacked up and his pants are stuck on his boots
James Taylor? Singer-songwriter. This guy comes out singing a little diddy about JoJo. He’s kind of cute in a hokey way.
Jon from Canada walks out rocking a kilt. Says he’s half Chinese, half Scottish but his Scottish half is below the waist. Yikes.All the guys who are already in the house are VERY worked up about the kilt. I feel like it’s not that bad? Remember when that girl wore a giant rose on her head? Also, is the first asian we’ve ever seen The Bachelorette?
To all those fools upset about the kilt, Saint Nick AKA Santa Claus just arrived from the North Pole. I mean..that’s ridiculous but JoJo is a very good sport about it. Daniel is worked up again. He’s going to be the dick of the first few episode.
Another Chase. Mustache joke. Zing!
Jake. Landscape architect. Normal and nice looking.
Sal. Operations manager. Brings blue balls.
Coley. Not a typo. His name is Coley. And he is gross. Buzz, your girlfriend. Woof.
Brandon. Hipster. Also hideous and maybe high? If Coley and Brandon were the first two out of the limos, I’m pretty sure JoJo would have thought Chris Harrison was playing a cruel prank on her.
Nick. Software salesman slides right into the splits. Cheeseball city.
Vinny. Barber. Pants too short. Brought a slice of toast. This guy is definitely not going to make it.
Evan. The pastor/erectile disfuntion guy called her girlie. Creepster.com
Wells. Radio DJ. Brought All4One (yes, I know it was a number 4), which you may remember from 1994.
Jordan’s hair keeps getting higher and higher as the night goes on.
I like Christian. He seems like a nice boy.
Luke, the cowboy/war veteran walks in on a unicorn. Ridiculous in a slightly cute way. JoJo likes Luke.Coconut would totally get my first impression rose.
Overall, I think this crew is better than their profiles on the abc webpage, but yeesh, there are some real dogs in this pack.
The marine grabs her first. He sits down on a bench and his feet don’t touch the floor. Yikes. That is super short. He then does push ups and makes her sit on him. Boo.
All the dudes are nervous and JoJo is a little bummed out by it. Jordan gives her his jacket and these two have a definite connection. He tells her he does edia and sports broadcasting. So apparently he’s not just former pro QB/younger brother of Aaron Rogers.
Will did some kid fortune thing and then went to kiss her and oh god, it was awkward. She gave him a real nice mom pucker. And then she gave Jordan a real smooch and walks away going “his butt”. She’s hilarious.
Wells is really milking the All4One thing. Then he calls them “an amazing band”. Um…no.
Chad, the luxury real estate agent is already a real douchebag. He is ready “emotionally and financially”. JoJo says that he’s holding something back and claims, “It’s sexy to me..he’s mysterious.” Oh JoJo, you like bad boys. Just admit it. In the interview Chad says”I’m pretty confident that if I want her, I can have her”. Then he says he’s a more rugged version of Ben. I’m gonna stop you right there Chad. You are nothing like my dear sweet Ben.
Daniel, the Canadian talks nonstop about Canada and pulls out the Damn Daniel joke, which I don’t get either. Then he pokes Evan’s belly button, takes all his clothes off, poses awkwardly and jumps in the pool. See ya Daniel!
Some other guy marches into her interview wasted. Then in comes Vinny the barber who is a total hot mess. She is, obviously, exhausted by this. And is a really good sport about Santa, who is sweating buckets in that suit.
I like this singer/songwriter James. He probably doesn’t have enough edge for JoJo, but I like him.
Luke brings her cowboy boots which is just darling. She definitely thinks he is hot. But she gives the first impression rose to Jordan, who’s hair has flopped to the side like a wing.
Rose Ceremony Time!
All the boys are lined up and JoJo is giving them the ol’ “it was nice to meet all of you. I hate this part” spiel and then…and then…a limo pulls up. Who is it? I feel like it’s Nick Viall. WTF? Who is this guy? Jake Pavelka? Wasn’t that guy a total douche face who picked some young dumb girl? Apparently Jake is a close family friend (yikes!). They tried to set it up like he was interested in her, but he’s not. This was lame. Delete.
Luke (war veteran) is obviously safe. Wells (All4One) is safe. Also safe: James (singer songwriter) and Grant (firefighter). Oh my GOD, Chad just said “She be vibing”. JoJo, abort mission immediately. Sadly she does not get to see behind the scenes and he gets a rose. Derek. Christian. Chase. Alex (mini-Marine). Robby. Brandon (the French looking hipster-bad choice). James (boxing club owner). Ali (crazy hair piano playing bartender). St. Nick got a rose!! YAY!
After St. Nick gets the rose, Vinny looks like he’s going to murder someone. He then says “I’m a good judgement of character. Guys like me could overcome on top”. Take it back to Delray Beach to work on your fades Vin.
Will. Says “Will will accept the rose” and I want to slap him sideways. James (bachelor fan). Vinny gets a rose?!! What is happening? Evan got a rose. I mean, let’s be serious, this is not going to work. Daniel also gets a rose, which us clearly a producers choice.
Most men of color go home. Jake, the landscape architect. Some vaguely ethnic good looking guy in a tan suit (Peter?) I don’t recall him at all. The Asian Scottish guy. The one guy that was not good looking at all that I know nothing about.
It’s like 7am when these dudes leave the mansion. How are these guys even standing? How is JoJo standing and still looking amazing? She’s an alien.I look like crap by the time I pee for the first time at work at like 10am. I walk into the bathroom and all of a sudden my hair looks like shit, I have mascara under my eyes and stains on my clothes. Could you imagine what I would look like after a night of being The Bachelorette?