Bachelor Recap: Just Choose Someone Already

First off, what is Chris Harrison wearing? Light blue suit with a wrinkled blue tie? Get it together Harrison. This is the finale god damn it. Chris is downright giddy about tonight and informs us that ABC flew out both families (and Ben’s pastor) in case there is a wedding on After the Final Rose.They flew out both families? One of the families obviously knows their daughter was not chosen right? This show…bachelor ben's pastor
Meet the Parents  
Lauren is still wearing those denim cut off underpants. Oh wait, so is JoJo, although hers are slightly longer and not as Jon Bon Jovi. Would I be wearing these if I was 10 years younger and had these bodies?denim shorts on bachelor
Ben gives us a dramatic and scripted soliloquy  about how he went from being unlovable to being loved by two women…and loving two women back. I honestly think this is impossible. You can’t really want to propose to two women. I think Ben’s mom is on my side, as she said its “disturbing”. Also, does the show have to end in a proposal? Can’t he just choose one girl and have a normal relationship for maybe a year or two (with one woman) and then propose?

Lauren meets the parents. Thankfully she decides to forgo the crop tops for the visit. I think she is pretty boring, but girlfriend has some glowy skin. These things are always so weird. If I was dating someone and met his parents and they asked me if I was in love with their son, I’d be super creeped out and make a run for it. Lauren eats it up and even holds hand with mom. lauren and ben's mom
Amy (Ben’s mom) is my fave. She basically just told Lauren all the bad things about her son, which is hilarious, and rolled her eyes when Lauren said he’s pretty much perfect. Did you guys see the necklace she is wearing though? I’m pretty sure it’s a dolphin jumping through a gold hoop. Yikes.ben's mom bachelor

JoJo meets the parents in a little romper. My relationship with rompers is well documented. She looks cute and is insanely nervous. JoJo tells his parents “it’s a long time coming”. Um, it’s been like 7 weeks.
Verdict from Tim & I: Parents like JoJo best. Other verdict: Ben needs to throw away those maroon jeans. Yuck.

The Last Date
HOW THE EFF DOES LAUREN KEEP WEARING THESE SHORTS??!!! They are so freaking hideous. I would NOT choose Lauren based on these jorts alone. Ben clearly does not mind them. Lauren quizzes Ben on his concerns and his biggest is that it has been perfect since they met which seems too good to be true. Again, it’s been about two months. Things should be easy and perfect the first two months in a relationship. But then he says he “overcame” his challenges with JoJo. I mean, a made up ex boyfriend and a dumb brother? That hardly rocked the boat.Ben and Lauren have a super boring conversation in which she says like about 342 times and they touch foreheads while sitting in silence. And then she cries.ben and lauren

Ben picks up JoJo on the side of the road. They literally dropped her off there to wait. At the Blue Hole (which is now on my bucket list) she asks him if he’s feeling good, and he’s like “um….I’m confused”. Ooof. She hopes she doesn’t end up looking like a fool. Me too JoJo! I like you! I’d pick you! But I wouldn’t want you as a friend because you’re too hot. You guys, can you even imagine what my stomach would look like if I was folded in half like that while being carried by hunky Ben? Yuck. #onepieceforlyfeben and jojo swimming
That night, she asks him what his concern is about their relationship and he doesn’t have one. Dude, you are confusing the shit out of these girls. But then he tells her that they’re best friends. Here is a tip from a married lady Ben: Pick your best friend. JoJo tries to avoid the cameras and get to the bottom of it, and Ben tells her that he loves both of them. She starts sobbing and said she’s tired of competing. Poor JoJo. You won’t have to compete if you’re the next Bachelorette!

Ben meets with Neil Lane who needs to step away from his plastic surgeon. He is picking out one of these ridiculously ornate rings and doesn’t even know who he is going to give it to. Dear Lord. Also, shave your face, you’re proposing today.bachelor ben's engagement ring
The Final Rose
I love when they show the girls getting ready. They look so nervous. Either you’re going to get proposed to or you’re going to get dumped on national television. Yikes. JoJo has a banging bod and her face looks great but that dress is beat. It’s like Miss USA Barbie. I hate that they make these chicks walk like 10 miles across bridges or sand or rocks to get to the guy. JoJo sees him and immediately starts talking. It’s like she is saying her wedding vows. Girlfriend, shut your face and let him say his piece…because the way he is staring at you, he’s gonna dump you. And then he does, but not without saying he still loves her. How awkward will that be when Lauren sees this?ben and jojo
After JoJo leaves, Ben is distraught. If you love someone that much, you should not propose to someone else like 10 minutes later. He gets over quickly and calls Lauren’s dad, whose number is conveniently in his phone, to ask for permission to marry Lauren and then starts cheering. If you were honestly that conflicted, I don’t think there would be this quick turn around Benjamin. Amy and I are very disappointed in you. It was a dick move to treat JoJo that way. If he honestly knew he was going to choose Lauren (which I think he did), he should not have told JoJo that he loved her like a million times including the night before he dumped her and proposed to someone else.

Anyway, he proposes to Lauren, who also looks banging in a gorgeous blue dress,  with that overly complicated Neil Lane ring. (FYI, those rings look a lot better on TV than they do in real life. I saw Jillian Harris’ ring from Ed and it was not that pretty.Did you guys know that Jillian and I were friends for a while? By friends I mean we hung out a few times and she knew who I was and I had a her cell phone number. It was my favorite friendship of all time even though she probably has no recollection of my existence.) These two dumb dumbs do seem happy though and I always keep my fingers crossed that Bachelor couples will make it because I need this show to continue! bachelor ben and lauren

Next Up: About 100 clips of Ben’s pastor thumbing through the Bible on After the Final Rose!


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