Bachelor Recap: Fantasy Suites!

You might be saying, “Hey Jessica, the show is over. We know who Ben picks. There are not THREE ladies left heading into the fantasy suites.” To which I say, “I know. I KNOW! But I did watch and recap the last few episodes and I can’t post out of order or skip an episode. It’s the Virgo in me.” I promise I will have a finale recap up tomorrow and and After a Final Rose recap up by Friday. I have a lot of excuses about my lack of posting but they are worthy of their own post(s).
Anyway, back to two weeks ago…
Ben and Caila on the raft almost completely silent with limited and awkward conversation was amazing. It’s like the worst date of all time. Oh my god, you guys, this is painful. At dinner she says, “It’s funny you noticed I was off today.”  Um. My dog noticed.
Then she told him she was in love with him and he kissed her while sweating his ass off and gave her an invite to the fantasy suite.  She calls him a sly fox, which I appreciate, then she said, “I see fireworks in his eyes, in his eyes and in my heart” and I wanted to throw her off a cliff.

Lauren is basically wearing denim cut off underwear. I can see her cheeks. And a crop top, obviously. None of these chicks leave anything to the imagination. bachelor65 Their date is baby sea turtles, which Lauren says is one her dreams? I would judge but the swimming with pigs date was one of my dreams, so to each his own.  These two love each other so much, it’s ridiculous. I got really excited when they show up at a bar where a band is playing and there are other people there. It’s a real date! Like real life! And then they go inside and the place is empty. Ben hands her the fantasy suite card before they can even take a bite. She tells him she’s in love with him and he responds the same way. We knew this was going to happen because Chris Harrison told me about 600 times, but still! This is a big deal! I thought this was against the rules!

 Here’s another shot of this ridiculous outfit, which honestly is NOT flattering. Girlfriend has a banging bod and this is not doing her any favors. 

JoJo is also rocking the jean short undies, but at least had the sense to wear a loose shirt with it. Tim and I have decided she is the prettiest. Their date is super fun-helicopter to a waterfall where she tells him she loves him and is 100% shocks that he responds likewise. Literally she almost falls over. I have a funny gif of this but I don’t know how to embed anything so you’ll just have to remember the look on her face.

Obviously he asks her to the Fantasy Suite because have you gotten a look a this girl? bachelor58They’re way more fun than Ben and Lauren and drink champagne in the hot tub, which is the only way to do it. Lauren didn’t even get in the pool! Watching these peeps kiss in bathing suits is too much for me though. Are the camera people just like “ugh…sick”. Also, how do these bitches look so good in the morning? I’m like a hot mess and these girls look gorge. Is it because they’re 25 and have been on vacation for six weeks?

My husband’s response to all of this is: “I can’t believe he beds three women in three days”. Do you guys really think he slept with some of them? Or all of them? The guy has a bible verse tattooed on his side so I’m not so sure.

Caila is a total crazy person and heads over to Ben’s place potentially wearing a bathing suit top as a shirt. He is 100% thrown off by this visit as hadn’t prepped himself for dumping her. bachelor67At least she didn’t have to go through a rose ceremony. Caila then jumps out of the car and asks him he knew that week, which is basically like, why did you sleep with me if you were going to pick other girls. Anyone else think she was fake crying during her goodbye? Then she said her purpose in life is to love other people and pulled the “I’ll never find anyone” crap. Girl, you are 25. You are batshit crazy but you have fab hair and a good bod. You’ll be fine.

JoJo shows up to the rose ceremony looking smoking!! Can I get that hair in my life please? Or can I get Chris Harrison’s job? For serious, he travels to the best places and works for like 15 minutes? Ben says he can picture both girls being his wife, which, you know, is weird as usually it’s pretty hard to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? These two chicks are being so friendly about the whole thing! bachelor68

Next Up: I though Women Tell All was boring as hell so I’m going straight to the Finale! Check back tomorrow–promise!
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