A Sad Farewell to my Pre-baby Boobs

I do not have a full length mirror in my bathroom. This is a blessing and a curse. I’m grateful I do not have to see my ghostly jiggly body in all its glory every time I get out of the shower, however it also allows me to avoid everything happening below my neck. Unfortunately my mother-in-law has the worlds biggest mirror in her guest bathroom and this past weekend I was forced to face reality. Let’s just say: Yikes.
Now I know from getting dressed every day that my stomach isn’t, shall we say, “taught”, nor are my legs what they used to be. But what gave me a big surprise on this particular viewing was my boobs. Where did they go? Why are they halfway down my rib cage? How did they go from rounded globes to flappy pancakes without me even noticing? I’ve never cared much about these melons of mine before, probably because they were decent shape and size, but this is a whole new world. I’m incredibly proud of the fact that I breast fed my daughter for 16 months as Lord knows it is not easy so I guess these sandbags are my badges of courage? What a lame prize.  There is a joke in there about a booby prize but I just can’t get there today.
What can you even do about your boobs? If I gain weight, I can (in theory) diet and exercise. Wrinkles? Slap on some retinol and research chemical peels. But boobs are a different story. To assist with these guys, I did go to Nordstrom for a bra fitting courtesy of my mom who was horrified that I had been wearing the same nude nursing bra daily for 16 months and continued to wear despite no longer nursing. #cheap #lazy This $70 bra has done wonders and I will probably wear it daily until the wire pops out or the straps sag and my mom takes me in again. But what I really want is something that can bring these gals back to their days of glory. When I could rock a white (!) triangle bikini from Target without fear or shame while wearing some early 2000’s sunglasses. Oh, the good old days.  For all your sakes, after photos not included. 1929429_83223666806_3920571_n.jpg
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Bachelor Recap: Just Choose Someone Already

First off, what is Chris Harrison wearing? Light blue suit with a wrinkled blue tie? Get it together Harrison. This is the finale god damn it. Chris is downright giddy about tonight and informs us that ABC flew out both families (and Ben’s pastor) in case there is a wedding on After the Final Rose.They flew out both families? One of the families obviously knows their daughter was not chosen right? This show…bachelor ben's pastor
Meet the Parents  
Lauren is still wearing those denim cut off underpants. Oh wait, so is JoJo, although hers are slightly longer and not as Jon Bon Jovi. Would I be wearing these if I was 10 years younger and had these bodies?denim shorts on bachelor
Ben gives us a dramatic and scripted soliloquy  about how he went from being unlovable to being loved by two women…and loving two women back. I honestly think this is impossible. You can’t really want to propose to two women. I think Ben’s mom is on my side, as she said its “disturbing”. Also, does the show have to end in a proposal? Can’t he just choose one girl and have a normal relationship for maybe a year or two (with one woman) and then propose?

Lauren meets the parents. Thankfully she decides to forgo the crop tops for the visit. I think she is pretty boring, but girlfriend has some glowy skin. These things are always so weird. If I was dating someone and met his parents and they asked me if I was in love with their son, I’d be super creeped out and make a run for it. Lauren eats it up and even holds hand with mom. lauren and ben's mom
Amy (Ben’s mom) is my fave. She basically just told Lauren all the bad things about her son, which is hilarious, and rolled her eyes when Lauren said he’s pretty much perfect. Did you guys see the necklace she is wearing though? I’m pretty sure it’s a dolphin jumping through a gold hoop. Yikes.ben's mom bachelor

JoJo meets the parents in a little romper. My relationship with rompers is well documented. She looks cute and is insanely nervous. JoJo tells his parents “it’s a long time coming”. Um, it’s been like 7 weeks.
Verdict from Tim & I: Parents like JoJo best. Other verdict: Ben needs to throw away those maroon jeans. Yuck.

The Last Date
HOW THE EFF DOES LAUREN KEEP WEARING THESE SHORTS??!!! They are so freaking hideous. I would NOT choose Lauren based on these jorts alone. Ben clearly does not mind them. Lauren quizzes Ben on his concerns and his biggest is that it has been perfect since they met which seems too good to be true. Again, it’s been about two months. Things should be easy and perfect the first two months in a relationship. But then he says he “overcame” his challenges with JoJo. I mean, a made up ex boyfriend and a dumb brother? That hardly rocked the boat.Ben and Lauren have a super boring conversation in which she says like about 342 times and they touch foreheads while sitting in silence. And then she cries.ben and lauren

Ben picks up JoJo on the side of the road. They literally dropped her off there to wait. At the Blue Hole (which is now on my bucket list) she asks him if he’s feeling good, and he’s like “um….I’m confused”. Ooof. She hopes she doesn’t end up looking like a fool. Me too JoJo! I like you! I’d pick you! But I wouldn’t want you as a friend because you’re too hot. You guys, can you even imagine what my stomach would look like if I was folded in half like that while being carried by hunky Ben? Yuck. #onepieceforlyfeben and jojo swimming
That night, she asks him what his concern is about their relationship and he doesn’t have one. Dude, you are confusing the shit out of these girls. But then he tells her that they’re best friends. Here is a tip from a married lady Ben: Pick your best friend. JoJo tries to avoid the cameras and get to the bottom of it, and Ben tells her that he loves both of them. She starts sobbing and said she’s tired of competing. Poor JoJo. You won’t have to compete if you’re the next Bachelorette!

Ben meets with Neil Lane who needs to step away from his plastic surgeon. He is picking out one of these ridiculously ornate rings and doesn’t even know who he is going to give it to. Dear Lord. Also, shave your face, you’re proposing today.bachelor ben's engagement ring
The Final Rose
I love when they show the girls getting ready. They look so nervous. Either you’re going to get proposed to or you’re going to get dumped on national television. Yikes. JoJo has a banging bod and her face looks great but that dress is beat. It’s like Miss USA Barbie. I hate that they make these chicks walk like 10 miles across bridges or sand or rocks to get to the guy. JoJo sees him and immediately starts talking. It’s like she is saying her wedding vows. Girlfriend, shut your face and let him say his piece…because the way he is staring at you, he’s gonna dump you. And then he does, but not without saying he still loves her. How awkward will that be when Lauren sees this?ben and jojo
After JoJo leaves, Ben is distraught. If you love someone that much, you should not propose to someone else like 10 minutes later. He gets over quickly and calls Lauren’s dad, whose number is conveniently in his phone, to ask for permission to marry Lauren and then starts cheering. If you were honestly that conflicted, I don’t think there would be this quick turn around Benjamin. Amy and I are very disappointed in you. It was a dick move to treat JoJo that way. If he honestly knew he was going to choose Lauren (which I think he did), he should not have told JoJo that he loved her like a million times including the night before he dumped her and proposed to someone else.

Anyway, he proposes to Lauren, who also looks banging in a gorgeous blue dress,  with that overly complicated Neil Lane ring. (FYI, those rings look a lot better on TV than they do in real life. I saw Jillian Harris’ ring from Ed and it was not that pretty.Did you guys know that Jillian and I were friends for a while? By friends I mean we hung out a few times and she knew who I was and I had a her cell phone number. It was my favorite friendship of all time even though she probably has no recollection of my existence.) These two dumb dumbs do seem happy though and I always keep my fingers crossed that Bachelor couples will make it because I need this show to continue! bachelor ben and lauren

Next Up: About 100 clips of Ben’s pastor thumbing through the Bible on After the Final Rose!

Bachelor Recap: Fantasy Suites!

You might be saying, “Hey Jessica, the show is over. We know who Ben picks. There are not THREE ladies left heading into the fantasy suites.” To which I say, “I know. I KNOW! But I did watch and recap the last few episodes and I can’t post out of order or skip an episode. It’s the Virgo in me.” I promise I will have a finale recap up tomorrow and and After a Final Rose recap up by Friday. I have a lot of excuses about my lack of posting but they are worthy of their own post(s).
Anyway, back to two weeks ago…
Ben and Caila on the raft almost completely silent with limited and awkward conversation was amazing. It’s like the worst date of all time. Oh my god, you guys, this is painful. At dinner she says, “It’s funny you noticed I was off today.”  Um. My dog noticed.
Then she told him she was in love with him and he kissed her while sweating his ass off and gave her an invite to the fantasy suite.  She calls him a sly fox, which I appreciate, then she said, “I see fireworks in his eyes, in his eyes and in my heart” and I wanted to throw her off a cliff.

Lauren is basically wearing denim cut off underwear. I can see her cheeks. And a crop top, obviously. None of these chicks leave anything to the imagination. bachelor65 Their date is baby sea turtles, which Lauren says is one her dreams? I would judge but the swimming with pigs date was one of my dreams, so to each his own.  These two love each other so much, it’s ridiculous. I got really excited when they show up at a bar where a band is playing and there are other people there. It’s a real date! Like real life! And then they go inside and the place is empty. Ben hands her the fantasy suite card before they can even take a bite. She tells him she’s in love with him and he responds the same way. We knew this was going to happen because Chris Harrison told me about 600 times, but still! This is a big deal! I thought this was against the rules!

 Here’s another shot of this ridiculous outfit, which honestly is NOT flattering. Girlfriend has a banging bod and this is not doing her any favors. 

JoJo is also rocking the jean short undies, but at least had the sense to wear a loose shirt with it. Tim and I have decided she is the prettiest. Their date is super fun-helicopter to a waterfall where she tells him she loves him and is 100% shocks that he responds likewise. Literally she almost falls over. I have a funny gif of this but I don’t know how to embed anything so you’ll just have to remember the look on her face.

Obviously he asks her to the Fantasy Suite because have you gotten a look a this girl? bachelor58They’re way more fun than Ben and Lauren and drink champagne in the hot tub, which is the only way to do it. Lauren didn’t even get in the pool! Watching these peeps kiss in bathing suits is too much for me though. Are the camera people just like “ugh…sick”. Also, how do these bitches look so good in the morning? I’m like a hot mess and these girls look gorge. Is it because they’re 25 and have been on vacation for six weeks?

My husband’s response to all of this is: “I can’t believe he beds three women in three days”. Do you guys really think he slept with some of them? Or all of them? The guy has a bible verse tattooed on his side so I’m not so sure.

Caila is a total crazy person and heads over to Ben’s place potentially wearing a bathing suit top as a shirt. He is 100% thrown off by this visit as hadn’t prepped himself for dumping her. bachelor67At least she didn’t have to go through a rose ceremony. Caila then jumps out of the car and asks him he knew that week, which is basically like, why did you sleep with me if you were going to pick other girls. Anyone else think she was fake crying during her goodbye? Then she said her purpose in life is to love other people and pulled the “I’ll never find anyone” crap. Girl, you are 25. You are batshit crazy but you have fab hair and a good bod. You’ll be fine.

JoJo shows up to the rose ceremony looking smoking!! Can I get that hair in my life please? Or can I get Chris Harrison’s job? For serious, he travels to the best places and works for like 15 minutes? Ben says he can picture both girls being his wife, which, you know, is weird as usually it’s pretty hard to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? These two chicks are being so friendly about the whole thing! bachelor68

Next Up: I though Women Tell All was boring as hell so I’m going straight to the Finale! Check back tomorrow–promise!