Bachelor Recap: Bahama Mama

The episode begins with Ben pulling Olivia to the side prior to the rose ceremony. He tells her that some of the women had mentioned that she wasn’t connecting with the others in the house and he wants to hear her thoughts. Of course she blames the fact that she got two roses in a row put a target on her back and “she feels like she can’t win”. Then she throws the other girls under the bus by saying they enjoy painting their nails and doing each other’s hair while she “likes reading books and thinking” and follows that up with “I want to talk smart things.” Then she fake cried again. She’s the worst. And so is her stupid dress.
Twin has sucked herself into an Olivia spiral and cannot get over it, which means she’ll likely get kicked off.  Olivia doesn’t give a sh*t, knows that the girls hate her and legit says, “Come at me bro” while in the confessional, which is kind of amazing.
Heading into the rose ceremony, both Olivia and Lauren H. have roses. Caila is safe. Lauren B is safe.  JoJo and that dress get a rose. Becca gets a rose. Leah (hello, Leah!??) gets a rose. It’s between Twin and Jennifer. Twin is safe! Thank God—I want more ugly cry face in my life. Chris Harrison tells Jennifer to say her good-byes while wearing a hideous brown suit. Jen is quite diplomatic on her departure and tells him that there are amazing girls left. Jen, we hardly knew ye!
Ben tells the remaining ladies that they are headed to the Bahamas, and for once, is holding a champagne glass correctly. The opening scenes of the Bahamas make me realize I need an immediate vacation (and a mimosa). Amanda is rocking Becca’s dumb hair from last week. Is this is a new trend? Harrison marches in, looking rested and tan, and shares that the plan for the week is a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date.  Caila gets the first date—“Let’s See if this Love is Reel” (her second) and poor old Leah is pretty sad as she hasn’t even had one. At least this sad sack finally gets some screen time. Ben picks up Caila for the date and sits down right next to Leah and its super awkward. She’s basically crying.
I know Caila is a fan favorite, but she is dressed like a straight up ho. Cover your belly. Or your butt. Or both. Leave a little to the imagination—I think Ben would like that. He is a Christian after all. Caila is pretty “excited to relax” on this date. Again, you’ve been relaxing for like six weeks. My relaxation time consists of things like “showering” and “going to the bathroom by myself”.
The producers do a lovely job of alternating clips of Caila and Ben having the time of their lives deep sea fishing and making out, with clips of Leah having a total meltdown. I can’t even understand what she is saying she is so upset—something about how she and Ben live 10 minutes from one another in real life and could have met at a bar, but the universe brought them together like this? She went from zero screen time to total mess in half an episode.
Ben wants to get to know the Caila behind the smile, and then pushes her to tell her sob story. “Open up.” “Vulnerable”. She says she doesn’t want to share her deepest darkest secrets, but she feels like she loves him but she thinks she will hurt him? Ben is confused. I’m confused. I think Caila is confused.
Back at home—date card. Leah is in the group date yet again. “Love is unpredictable”. The two-on-one is Olivia and Twin (Emily). Olivia thinks Emily is young (they’re the same age) and like a bird. I think everyone has gone crazy.
We’re back to Ben and Caila. This conversation is so ridiculous. They’ve been on two dates and are trying to iron out every detail of the way they’re feeling. I space out every time Caila speaks. Tim just said “WTF is she talking about?” which verifies that I’m not alone. They both said “feel” about 600 times and Ben gives her the rose. These two make a boring couple. Also, the humidity in the Bahamas is not doing Ben’s hair any favors. Caila’s hair is still luxurious and bouncy.
Group date. Every single girl is wearing tiny cut off jean shorts and not one of the women is wearing a shirt that covers their torso. They are drinking delicious drinks while on a catamaran, and then literally do something I have always wanted to do. Like on my bucket list I would cry if it happened to me. Swim with pigs. I squealed during this entire segment. I loved that Ben was like “We’re gonna feed them hot dogs” and Leah was like “We’re going to feed the pigs pig?!!” Thankfully, they are chicken hotdogs- don’t worry. You guys, this was the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life. By far the best part of The Bachelor, any season.
Back at home, Twin is calling other twin about the two-on-one. I thought they took away your cell phones and you couldn’t talk to people at home? Am I mistaken?
At group date, Ben is “obsessing” over Lauren B. the entire time. I TOLD YOU! He loves him some Lauren B. Because Ben is not an idiot, he picks up that the girls are upset with him and he tries to chat with JoJo about it. She’s very pretty. And has a nice rack. I did some DVR pausing/super sleuthing and have finally figured out Ben’s tattoo! It’s Proverbs 16:3. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will be established. That is a very large and biblical tat for a non-virgin who is trying to find love on The Bachelor.IMG_7512
Leah has a few minutes with Ben during the group date and turns into a hot mess. She calls him out on not asking her for a one-on-one and starts crying. Girlfriend, get it together. Ben gives her the advice I would give her as her Bachelor godmother, “Just take the time you have”.
At the cocktail party, Ben pulls Becca aside and asks why she was standoffish that day. She was very honest and said his chemistry with Lauren B. was obvious, and that caused her to shut down, but it just means that she likes him.  Leah has some one-on-one time with Ben too and he tells her to “be as open with [me] as possible”. She tells him that women in the house aren’t being real with him and she doesn’t like drama or say names but it’s the person he has the strongest connection with…and then says “Lauren B.” Wha wha whaaaaa???? This was a bomb. Did she just try to throw Lauren under the bus because that is who he likes the most? Leah, you little snake. Ben then tells Lauren B. (idiotic move) so of course the drama continues. Lauren B is very upset, understandably, and when she’s telling the group Leah flat out denies that she said anything. Yikes. This girl came from out of nowhere to become maybe the most evil girl in the house. Also, Lauren B. is a much prettier crier than the twins. 
Amanda gets the date rose, and poor Lauren B. thinks that maybe it’s due to what “someone” has said. Lauren B. is wearing her hair in the half up bun too. This must be a thing. A thing I hate. After hours Leah heads over to Ben’s house  to tell him MORE about why Lauren B. isn’t right for him. Leah, give it up. She says to the camera that she wants Ben to know more about her and that he hasn’t had the time to get to know her…and then spends the entire time with Ben talking about Lauren B. Ben recognizes this and tells her that something doesn’t feel right. And then he promptly sends her home. AMAZING! Well done Ben. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.
Two-on-One Date with Twin & Olivia
It is a freaking hurricane and these maniacs just hop into a small boat. The seas look treacherous. Emily’s cut offs are even more treacherous. High waisted mom jean shorts with a zipper all the way to the top.
These three arrive at the beach, cheers, and then sit awkwardly in silence. Olivia takes her one-on-one time with Ben to sing her own praises: “I’m at peace with who I am and I love who I am. I’ve very grounded. I’m very in tune with my body. I’m really strong. I’m really confident. I know who I am. Deep intellectual things are my jam.” And then she tells him that she is in love with him. He is “glad” about it. Not a ringing endorsement.
Twin very aggressively takes her time to tell him that she is ready for him and is looking for validation. He listens, but he doesn’t kiss her. This date looks full out terrible. It’s a cold, windy and awkward. Ben grabs the rose and walks away with O, who marches along like a man. Ben tells her that he appreciates her speaking from her heart…and then says he can’t reciprocate those feelings…all while they are getting pummeled by wind and rain. It is the worst break-up ever…second to when one of the Bachelorettes left a guy on a glacier. Who was that? Was it Jillian? Emily gets the rose and does a lot of squealing while Olivia stands alone next to a blow hole looking sad. They legit make her stand alone on the island while the boat drives away. That is just cruel. But also amazing.
The rose ceremony takes place while the tropical storm rages on. Ben sends his consiglieri, Chris, to cancel the cocktail party and head straight to the rose ceremony. Lauren B. is very nervous that she’s going home. Dear Lauren, he luffs you. He will not send you home. JoJo also has a meltdown for seemingly no reason.
As a reminder, Caila, Twin and Amanda have roses and thus, are safe. Becca receives the first rose and JoJo the second. It’s a battle of the Laurens and I think we all know who will come out on top. Lauren H. is headed back to the mitten. I bet everyone is so excited that they can just say Lauren from here on out. Lord knows I am

2 thoughts on “Bachelor Recap: Bahama Mama

  1. i feel like maybe, just maybe, you should host a finale party! i mean, its not like you have anything else to do right? i just want to see you 🙂 xoxo


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