Bachelor Recap: Viva Mexico!

The crew heads to Mexico City. There is a lot of finger dancing on the plane and then of course the girls ooh and ahh about the hotel. They’re staying at the Four Seasons. Remember last season with Chris where they were basically staying in a haunted hotel right off the highway in Iowa? Becca is probably like “TRADE UP!”
Olivia kicks off the episode talking about their love language yet again, and how it is reserved just for her. She (again) believes she’s going to get the one-on-one and (again) is NOT the one to get the one-on-one date. It goes to the high voiced mom of two, Amanda, with the note “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket”. Ben, this girls eggs are pretty fertile, you may not want to do that just yet.
Ben kicks off the date before 5am by waking all the girls up while they’re asleep. I always love when they do this because the girls look like such shit. Lauren H. is rocking zit cream and a retainer and Ben of course says, “I sleep with a retainer too!” Ben, so do I. We have so much in common. We’re basically soulmates. Ditch these crazies and come live with me.  (And my husband and baby. That won’t be weird at all.) 
Ben finds Olivia’s weave. Amanda must have had a heads up on this wake-up call because she is wearing full make-up, including lip gloss. No one looks like that upon waking up NOR do they look like that if they sleep in their make-up. If I sleep in make-up I wake up looking like a heroin addict. Amanda looks like a g-d Disney princess. 
The date is an air balloon, which is a dream date. They fly over the ancient city of Teotihuacan, which I’m sure Bem practiced saying about 60 times. Sidenote: did they get breakfast? I’d be like, this is great, but I’ve been up since 3:30 putting make-up on before your “surprise” wake-up call and I’m effing starving. They have a little picnic and she leaves a full glass of champagne on the ground which is just sacrilege. To be honest, I’m not sure what they’re talking about…basically they are talking about what they’re going to talk about later? Another blogger just pointed out how Ben is holding the champagne flute and now I can’t unsee it. 
Group date card comes and all the girls names are on it except for Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher from Michigan with great hair, which results in Olivia being a total stalker.
Amanda is nervous to talk to Ben about how she’s been married and divorced and has two kids. She’s had a busy 25 years. They got married when her oldest was six months old, and then she kind of talks shit about her ex-husband on national television? I mean, the guy sounds like a total douche, but isn’t it weird to share this publicly? Your family and kids can see this at some point. Ben, of course, responds diplomatically and tells her how incredible she is. She gets the rose, even though she’s wearing an Ice Capades costume. I don’t see the chemistry between these two, and I think Ben maybe just wants to love her because the poor girl has had a rough go of it.
Group Date- Come Se Dice The Way to the Man’s Heart
The date starts off with a Spanish class. Caila of course throws herself at Ben. Ugh. Becca is wearing a terrible half up half down top knot. Jubuilee gets a little sassy in Spanish class and of course Olivia feels some hidden chemistry while talking to Ben. She is too much. The second part of the date is heading to a restaurant to have a competition on who can make the best Mexican dish. They awkwardly break up into teams of two, except both Jubilee and Olivia try to partner with Ben. Obvi, Olivia wins because she is a bull. Remaining twin goes off an a tangent about how Olivia’s breath smells. “Ben was like ‘Hey lets go get some mint Olivia, I really want to try the mint!’
Ben tells us cooking is his thing, solidifying that minus his bad haircut and kind of oily/sweaty face, he is a dream man. And then he says “I’m not longer the Bachelor…I’m the Spatular” and I lost all interest. Ben watches all the ladies and recognizes that everyone is enjoying themselves and having fun except for Jubilee and Lauren B. Jubilee is like “It’s hard because we’re all at the point where we all have feelings for him”. Jubilee, this is The Bachelor, that is HOW it works. Also, can we talk about Becca’s dumb hair? A closer look:
The chefs try all the dishes, which leads to JoJo saying “I really want the chefs to taste my taco. Ben already tasted my taco…and he liked it”. Yikes! NC-17 rating on this episode. Olivia passes over her meal and the chefs comment that it looks like dog food, but they LOVE Lauren B and Jubilee’s fish. This whole part of the episode just made me hungry.
I hate when the girls call Ben their “boyfriend”. He is NOT your boyfriend. Boyfriend implies exclusion. As they sit down for the cocktail party of their date, Olivia immediately grabs Ben despite being partnered up with him All. Day. Long. She clearly doesn’t want to make any friends on this show. Ben has a LOT of hang time with Lauren B. tonight with a ton of kissing all around the city. WTF is she wearing? It’s like a crop top tube dress? Jubilee is mad the whole time. Ben grabs her to chat, and she avoids his hand. She tells him that on group dates she feels overshadowed and that he doesn’t notice her at all. She is “trying to remember how it felt to be with him and does he even remember their one-on-one date?”. Ben said that walking away from the date he felt they had something that could be built upon. Then he drops a bomb and says, “It would be unfair to you to say that I’m confident in that now because I feel you’ve pulled back”. Boom. They talk around it for a while and then Ben dumps her with a “maybe we say goodbye”. See ya Jubilee! I honestly think that if she hadn’t been such a weirdo in group situations and had been more confident in who she actually was, that she would have stuck around longer. Jubs finishes up her confessional by adopting Ben’s persona as “the most unlovable person in the world right now.” Ben feels like a dick for dumping a veteran orphan whose entire family died, which, ya know, I get.
While Ben is telling the girls that Jubs is gone, JoJo interrupts him but uses the time to tell him how he handled the situation with respect and grace and that he “impacts her heart”. Ben gives the date rose to someone who struggled for a while and who he has reconnected with tonight and it goes to…Olivia. Girls are blindsided. Oliva eats a fruit kebab. God bless this girl, she is the only one who eats.
One-on-One Date between Lauren H. and Ben
Lauren is wearing insanely tiny shorts and a mini crop top version of a Mexican blouse. You’re a kindergarten teacher gal, be a little more modest. Ben calls Lauren H. ‘Lauren H.’ throughout the entire  date which is hilarious. They head into a store where the owner invites them to Mexico City fashion week which is “the best date ever” for Lauren H. To each their own. These two crazies then get invited to be part of the show. She is super nervous (Obvi) but Ben reassures her that no one there is as beautiful as her. Bold faced lie. Lauren blinks the entire time she walks down the runway but her legs are legit and Ben looks effing hot. Smoldering. Despite his ridiculous shirt.
Ben calls his relationship with Lauren H. “a slow burn”. He’s getting more serious with the other girls, and wants to see if he has a romantic connection with her as opposed to just a friendship. Lauren wants Ben to know that she’s got a serious side too and shares that she had a four year relationship and then the guy dumped her and she found out he was cheating on her. She said she chooses to be happy every day and does not want to be guarded. This story makes Ben feel more confident in her and lays one on her. Lauren H. gets the rose, resulting in me having to look up which one is Lauren H. and which one is Lauren B. for another next week.
Rose Ceremony: What the rock is JoJo wearing? It’s like a cross between a doily and nylons.
Also, I still know absolutely NOTHING about Leah. I’m amazed she is still there seeing as she hasn’t received a group date rose or a one-on-one, and hasn’t been featured at all. Here is a photo of Leah, because you probably have no idea who she is either. 
 Lauren B. talks to Ben and this is verbatim what she says: “I don’t talk about my feelings really with anyone, but I just feel like even like the two seconds when we’re not around each other people can like tell that I just really like like you. And I can see like a life with you, not just like getting married like initially like I could see A LIFE with you, which is like terrifying. Like a life. Like a life life.” Dear Lord.
Amanda was talking about her kids in the group and Olivia comments that she feels like she’s watching an episode of Teen Mom. Amanda calls her out on it, which is impressive and then Olivia laugh cries her way through an apology. Twin, rocking that sequin dress, decides she wants to tell Ben about Olivia which you know is the kiss of death for anyone on the Bachelor. When you spend your time talking about another girl, you’re gone. Twin breaks down about how fake Olivia is and does the ugly cry her sister did last week. Olivia then interrupts because she is an attention whore. Twin somehow gets on the phone with other twin and hysterically ugly cries. It’s amazing. While talking to Olivia, Ben is trying to figure out her relationship with the other girls and she just straight out lies to him. So Ben then asks the other girls vaguely how things are going in the house—and they all report negatively on big O.  Before kicking off the rose ceremony, Ben pulls Olivia aside. All the girls think this means she’ll be gonzo, but if I know Olivia like I think I know Olivia, she’ll talk her away out of it.
To be continued! Scenes for the next episode just show every single person crying and Ben standing alone in a hurricane. It’s gonna be amazing.

2 thoughts on “Bachelor Recap: Viva Mexico!

  1. This is your best recap yet. I laugh cried myself!! Can’t wait for tonight’s episode. This show seriously brings the levity to my life that gets me through the crazy week.


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