I’m the Worst (and a little Hometown Recap)

You guys, The Bachelor is on tonight and I haven’t done last week’s recap. I have a lot of excuses which include flying solo across the country with a 17 month old on my lap twice in less than a week, being on vacation, my flight getting cancelled,  forgetting my laptop in the office on Friday, hosting my in-laws for the weekend, and watching The Oscars last night.
Obviously I saw The Bachelor last week. I was even able to watch it with one of my best friends in the world who is a fellow Bachelor lover while drinking champagne and eating pizza and housing three different types of cake straight out of the bakery container while her dog snuggled my feet so obviously it was the best viewing of the year. I’m so committed to all of you that I even took notes on lined paper…otherwise known as “The Bachelor Pad”. Those notes are sadly still in my unpacked suitcase but there are a few things that I MUST mention before tonight.
  1. Ben showed up to the hometown with Amanda wearing the most inappropriately short shorts of all time. My love for Ben is 100% documented and even I don’t want to see that much upper thigh. Amanda’s shirt was totally inapprops too and she kept having to yank it up. The sleeves were like leg warmers for her arms. Arm warmers. 
  2. Why were Amanda’s daughters wearing to the knee gladiator sandals? They are toddlers. I felt really bad that they were dragged around all day long with a camera crew in their face. I’d be sobbing in my car seat too. Let’s be serious, there is no way Ben is going to pick the mom with two little kids no matter how pretty she is and cute those kids are. He is 25, charming and smoking hot. 
  3. Lauren and Ben are so obviously in love with each other I kind of just want to end the show now. Also, food trucks and most charming whiskey bar in the world? She wins hometown dates.All of her family members were attractive and vanilla. This was an easy win. 
  4. I hate Caila with the heat of a thousand burning suns. She is fake and giggly and juvenile. She called her parents “Mommy” and “Daddy” the whole time. My friend Claire who I watched this with said she sounds like a pageant contestant (and she should know). Everything is bubbly and scripted. Anyway, her dad was creepy in his orange pants and her mom wore braces. Also, how has Ben never met a Filipino person before? I’d like to point out that Caila was wearing a turtleneck crop top which is really an interesting concept. 
  5. Oh JoJo. Wouldn’t you recognize the handwriting of your ex-boyfriend immediately upon opening this letter? This was so scripted. I’m sure Chad would just happen to know the few days she’ll be in town. Whatever. I did a google search and Ben is way cuter than Chad so I’m happy she ended that fully. They promoted JoJo’s brothers as total nightmares, but honestly the tense scene wasn’t half has bad as I thought and they really did have a point. Clearly JoJo’s mom didn’t feel the same way. #momgoals
This week is insane as Saturday is our annual gala for work.  I’m gonna try my darndest to watch tonight and pull together a recap, but I ask for your forgiveness in advance. Happy Bachelor watching my friends.

Bachelor Recap: The Orthopedic Capital

We are back in Warsaw, Indiana, the Orthopedic Capital you guys, if you didn’t see from that sign. Warsaw is in full fall splendor. Ben is apparently a 50’s greaser in his hometown with his rolled up jeans and black leather jacket with the popped collar driving an old Chevy pick-up.The Bachelor, Ben
Ben meets his parents in the neighborhood diner, which is just charming. I love Small Town, USA. He lets them know he brought six girls home with him and basically tells them he likes JoJo and Lauren the most, Caila and Amanda are hot, Becca is “eh” and Twin is just along for the ride. Ben picks up all the girls in a pontoon boat and delivers them to a little home on the lake where they’ll be staying. Ben shares that the house is on the same lake as his parents and makes some weird joke about his parents having sex. Yeesh.
First date is with Lauren…because he is in LOVE with her. To note: Ben’s hair has much improved since the beginning of the season and Lauren has zits on her chin which makes me feel better about myself. Ben gives Lauren the grand tour of Warsaw including his elementary school, his high school, his church and the movie theater where he had his first kiss. Ben then takes Lauren to the Youth Center where he worked for four years. Of course he is still in touch with the director and the kids remember him. I mean…this guy. Ben surprises the kids by bringing a few of the Pacers back to the youth center and the kids’ heads explode. It’s really cute. Ben singles out this little kid who is crying in the corner and gets him to join in the fun. This is too much. I used to teach swimming and had crushes on every guy I taught with because I loved watching them with the kids. I would have been ALL ABOUT Ben if we worked at the youth center together in high school. Or now. I’m all about Ben now.
Lauren and Ben get down to what happened in the Bahamas last week, ie. when Leah threw her under the bus. Basically he tells her he does trust her, they smooch and then Ben takes her to meet his friends at the local dive bar. These two are smitten kittens.
JoJo gets the second one-on-one: Let’s Find Love in the Windy City! You guys, they were in Chicago and I didn’t know. Ben was mere steps from my home (like less than two miles) and I was not there to see him or creep on him. For myself, and for you dear readers, I apologize. These lucky ducks get to go on the field at Wrigley. He pitches her a few and she crushes it. This would be a really embarrassing date for me as I am potentially one of the worst baseball players of all time—just ask my former softball team. Ben says he is more himself with JoJo than any other girl (and he’s insanely attracted to her).
Back at the house, Caila, Amanda and Becca get the group date, which results in Twin ugly crying because she is so excited to have the one-on-one date. Sidenote: Can someone please explain what happened to Twin’s thumb? She has had an ENORMOUS bandage on it since Vegas and it’s gone unmentioned.
Back to Ben & JoJo. These maniacs get to have dinner on the field at Wrigley. Just this summer I was on the field (for a Billy Joel concert) and it was so unreal. I can only imagine what it’s like with no one else there. Ben digs in at dinner (not into the meal, obviously) and asks why JoJo is scared and holding back. He tells her he questions to what extent his feelings are there. She tells him she needs to feel safe to let go completely and that the insecurity has nothing to do with him, but with situations in her past in which she loved or gave more than the person she was with. Honestly, I hate these conversations and totally tune out. I’m sorry guys, it is not my strong suit. Overall, they like each other a lot and they’re pretty cute. I think she has more of a personality than Ben’s #1 gal, Lauren B. And is hotter. Jojo and Ben Higgins
The group date occurs on a farm, and they go rowing, which is odd because there are four of them so two girls have to sit together in a little rowboat. Caila bugs the bejesus out of me, but she does have some lovely shiny and bouncy hair that flows behind her while she is flying a kite. Ben brings the girls to a barn that is looks EXACTLY like the place that Chris dumped Becca before proposing to Whitney. Do you think she had flashbacks when she walked in there?
Ben throws a wrench in the date by saying that whoever gets the rose mid-date will get the rest of the day with him one-on-one while the other two girls head back home. Amanda chats about her kids and Ben is really supportive of that. Becca kinda tells Ben that she needs to hear that he’s into her. She likes him way more than she like Chris, that’s for sure. Caila tells Ben that she doesn’t have roots in her hometown because she moved 17 times before college (!), and she doesn’t have any place meaningful to show him. And then she says, “I’ve always pictured myself as moss and I’ve always been finding the perfect tree to growth with” followed by “I could move a lot. Or I couldn’t.” Thanks for the insight Caila. Ben gives the rose to Amanda and tells her he is excited to meet her family. He’s really going the distance with this teen mom! Becca is finally melting down and says, “I don’t want to feel this way with someone I’m trying to fall in love with.” Here’s a tip Becca…maybe if you don’t try to find a boyfriend on reality television it won’t be this hard.
Ben takes Amanda to…McDonalds “because that’s a normal thing for me.” This is a full out ad for all day breakfast, because I’ve seen Ben on the McD’s commercials. If I was Amanda I would be livid. And then I’d order a two cheeseburger meal with fries and a diet coke.
Amanda tells Ben that she’s never introduced anyone to her kids before. Well girlfriend, your youngest is only one year old so let’s hope not. After Mickey D’s, Ben takes Amanda to the town carnival. They are painting Warsaw as Hometown, USA, however, I received word from a dear reader that has family in Warsaw the lake is disgusting and Warsaw is not all ABC is portraying it to be aka The Orthopedic Capital.
Emily gets her one-on-one date: “Home is Where the Heart Is”. She gets picked up in the pontoon boat and Ben takes her home to meet his mom and dad. Caila describes Emily as “a bright eyed puppy with so much to learn”. To note, Caila is one year older than Emily, but I kind of see her point. Mom pulls Emily aside and Emily just nonstop talks, making little to no sense, including telling the Mom that one of her dreams is to be an NFL cheerleader. Just what every potential mother-in-law wants to hear. Mom says to the camera, “She’s definitely a ‘fun’ individual. Maybe she’s a little young for Ben.” This is her face the whole time Twin is spewing useless information at her. And then she cries while telling Ben what she thinks about Emily. Oooh, not a good sign Em. ben-higgins-mom-bachelorHe brings Emily back to the dock immediately after his visit with parents and says “I’ve been amazed at who you are, but I don’t think I can see you being my wife.” Poor Ben starts tearing up because he is a genuinely nice person and doesn’t like hurting people. This is all occurring while the other girls are watching through the window, which seems rude. However, we get more UGLY CRY. YAY! And then everyone else starts crying too when she walks in the house! It’s kinda fab. Twin is very diplomatic in her car ride to the airport, saying she feels blessed by the experience to get to know Ben and whoever ends up with him his very lucky.
Rose Ceremony Time
The rose ceremony takes place in town square and it looks like a Salem witch trial. The girls are freezing their buns off. Ben takes a few moments with his main man, Chris Harrison, to tell him that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Chris asks Ben if he can truly see each of these women as his wife, and he replies that there is one woman who has not gotten to the place that the others have. Tim & I guess Becca. Lauren gets the first rose. Duh. JoJo gets the second rose. It’s between Becca and Caila for the final rose. The final rose goes to Caila. Becca and her wax figure face are genuinely upset. She is like “Why did you do that?” which is fair actually, as she asked him the day before not to blindside her. Ben states he genuinely didn’t know who he was going to keep until that moment which is kind of a cop out. Maybe Becca should try out Tinder like all other girls her age.Second try: Becca was sent home from The Bachelor for a second time
Next Week: Hometowns! From the look of it, JoJo’s brothers ruin everything, Amanda’s kids are normal toddlers which scares the hell out of Ben, and Caila’s dad is a supercreep. Should be fun!

Meet Me at the Crossroads

Now that I have Bone Thugs in your head…I want to actually write a post that is not Bachelor related.
The last few weeks have had me like this:
The company I work for is going through some major changes, which is always unsettling. It’s the nature of the industry to be in transition (I work in healthcare), and yet the unknown makes it hard to feel settled. Last week, after a staff training, the VP called me into her office and presented me with a new opportunity within my team that can totally change my career. It was pitched in a way that this position is the highest need for the team and I have the skills necessary to do the job well…but underlying was also the note that this would be an 8-5 office job within the operations team. My current job on the front lines requires the occasional evening and weekend, but with the transitions on our team, a hiring freeze and an exceedingly high financial goal for the year, the expectation moving forward would be having evening meetings 2-3 times (possible more) a week, plus travel across the state. Yikes.
I came home with my head spinning. This new job would be totally different than my current one and take me out of the work that I love most (and that I’m best at). It is a tack in a different direction careerwise. I struggled wondering if I would be making a terrible career mistake to take this new position–will it derail me from where I eventually want to be? Am I not living up to my full potential? Am I taking the easy way out?  I  was almost in tears when talking to my boss about the opportunity but I couldn’t understand why. When I sat back to think about it, I realized what was frustrating me the most was the fact that I had to choose between what was best for my career (staying in my current role) and what was best for my family (moving to the new job). This is the struggle for every working mom, right? I can kick ass at my job but my role as a mom and wife suffers, or I can be there for my husband and daughter, keep a clean home and have groceries in the fridge (sometimes), and under perform at work. There is no way to have it all.
After a few sleepless nights and long conversations with my husband and one of my best friends, I accepted the new position. I know that I will not be the mom to a young child forever and I will regret more the time spent away from her than the time not spent at work. Will I be frustrated that I’m not gunning at work? Yes. Will my long term career be impacted by this decision? Maybe. But this is the choice I have made because what is most important to me now is the daughter I prayed for, the husband I have been blessed with and the home we make together.  Without knowing the crossroads I’ve been facing these past two weeks, a friend sent me this article, which had a line in it that I need to put somewhere I will see every day: “My career is just good enough right now, and I’m accepting the ribbon for participation with grace, instead of pining away for the gold.” To all you mamas out there participating with grace, my hat is off to you. Someday, when our kids are grown and would rather go out with their friends than snuggle in our laps, we’ll back at it and the gold will be ours.

 

Bachelor Recap: Bahama Mama

The episode begins with Ben pulling Olivia to the side prior to the rose ceremony. He tells her that some of the women had mentioned that she wasn’t connecting with the others in the house and he wants to hear her thoughts. Of course she blames the fact that she got two roses in a row put a target on her back and “she feels like she can’t win”. Then she throws the other girls under the bus by saying they enjoy painting their nails and doing each other’s hair while she “likes reading books and thinking” and follows that up with “I want to talk smart things.” Then she fake cried again. She’s the worst. And so is her stupid dress.
Twin has sucked herself into an Olivia spiral and cannot get over it, which means she’ll likely get kicked off.  Olivia doesn’t give a sh*t, knows that the girls hate her and legit says, “Come at me bro” while in the confessional, which is kind of amazing.
Heading into the rose ceremony, both Olivia and Lauren H. have roses. Caila is safe. Lauren B is safe.  JoJo and that dress get a rose. Becca gets a rose. Leah (hello, Leah!??) gets a rose. It’s between Twin and Jennifer. Twin is safe! Thank God—I want more ugly cry face in my life. Chris Harrison tells Jennifer to say her good-byes while wearing a hideous brown suit. Jen is quite diplomatic on her departure and tells him that there are amazing girls left. Jen, we hardly knew ye!
Ben tells the remaining ladies that they are headed to the Bahamas, and for once, is holding a champagne glass correctly. The opening scenes of the Bahamas make me realize I need an immediate vacation (and a mimosa). Amanda is rocking Becca’s dumb hair from last week. Is this is a new trend? Harrison marches in, looking rested and tan, and shares that the plan for the week is a one-on-one date, a group date and a two-on-one date.  Caila gets the first date—“Let’s See if this Love is Reel” (her second) and poor old Leah is pretty sad as she hasn’t even had one. At least this sad sack finally gets some screen time. Ben picks up Caila for the date and sits down right next to Leah and its super awkward. She’s basically crying.
I know Caila is a fan favorite, but she is dressed like a straight up ho. Cover your belly. Or your butt. Or both. Leave a little to the imagination—I think Ben would like that. He is a Christian after all. Caila is pretty “excited to relax” on this date. Again, you’ve been relaxing for like six weeks. My relaxation time consists of things like “showering” and “going to the bathroom by myself”.
The producers do a lovely job of alternating clips of Caila and Ben having the time of their lives deep sea fishing and making out, with clips of Leah having a total meltdown. I can’t even understand what she is saying she is so upset—something about how she and Ben live 10 minutes from one another in real life and could have met at a bar, but the universe brought them together like this? She went from zero screen time to total mess in half an episode.
Ben wants to get to know the Caila behind the smile, and then pushes her to tell her sob story. “Open up.” “Vulnerable”. She says she doesn’t want to share her deepest darkest secrets, but she feels like she loves him but she thinks she will hurt him? Ben is confused. I’m confused. I think Caila is confused.
Back at home—date card. Leah is in the group date yet again. “Love is unpredictable”. The two-on-one is Olivia and Twin (Emily). Olivia thinks Emily is young (they’re the same age) and like a bird. I think everyone has gone crazy.
We’re back to Ben and Caila. This conversation is so ridiculous. They’ve been on two dates and are trying to iron out every detail of the way they’re feeling. I space out every time Caila speaks. Tim just said “WTF is she talking about?” which verifies that I’m not alone. They both said “feel” about 600 times and Ben gives her the rose. These two make a boring couple. Also, the humidity in the Bahamas is not doing Ben’s hair any favors. Caila’s hair is still luxurious and bouncy.
Group date. Every single girl is wearing tiny cut off jean shorts and not one of the women is wearing a shirt that covers their torso. They are drinking delicious drinks while on a catamaran, and then literally do something I have always wanted to do. Like on my bucket list I would cry if it happened to me. Swim with pigs. I squealed during this entire segment. I loved that Ben was like “We’re gonna feed them hot dogs” and Leah was like “We’re going to feed the pigs pig?!!” Thankfully, they are chicken hotdogs- don’t worry. You guys, this was the best thing I’ve ever seen in my life. By far the best part of The Bachelor, any season.
Back at home, Twin is calling other twin about the two-on-one. I thought they took away your cell phones and you couldn’t talk to people at home? Am I mistaken?
At group date, Ben is “obsessing” over Lauren B. the entire time. I TOLD YOU! He loves him some Lauren B. Because Ben is not an idiot, he picks up that the girls are upset with him and he tries to chat with JoJo about it. She’s very pretty. And has a nice rack. I did some DVR pausing/super sleuthing and have finally figured out Ben’s tattoo! It’s Proverbs 16:3. Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will be established. That is a very large and biblical tat for a non-virgin who is trying to find love on The Bachelor.IMG_7512
Leah has a few minutes with Ben during the group date and turns into a hot mess. She calls him out on not asking her for a one-on-one and starts crying. Girlfriend, get it together. Ben gives her the advice I would give her as her Bachelor godmother, “Just take the time you have”.
At the cocktail party, Ben pulls Becca aside and asks why she was standoffish that day. She was very honest and said his chemistry with Lauren B. was obvious, and that caused her to shut down, but it just means that she likes him.  Leah has some one-on-one time with Ben too and he tells her to “be as open with [me] as possible”. She tells him that women in the house aren’t being real with him and she doesn’t like drama or say names but it’s the person he has the strongest connection with…and then says “Lauren B.” Wha wha whaaaaa???? This was a bomb. Did she just try to throw Lauren under the bus because that is who he likes the most? Leah, you little snake. Ben then tells Lauren B. (idiotic move) so of course the drama continues. Lauren B is very upset, understandably, and when she’s telling the group Leah flat out denies that she said anything. Yikes. This girl came from out of nowhere to become maybe the most evil girl in the house. Also, Lauren B. is a much prettier crier than the twins. 
Amanda gets the date rose, and poor Lauren B. thinks that maybe it’s due to what “someone” has said. Lauren B. is wearing her hair in the half up bun too. This must be a thing. A thing I hate. After hours Leah heads over to Ben’s house  to tell him MORE about why Lauren B. isn’t right for him. Leah, give it up. She says to the camera that she wants Ben to know more about her and that he hasn’t had the time to get to know her…and then spends the entire time with Ben talking about Lauren B. Ben recognizes this and tells her that something doesn’t feel right. And then he promptly sends her home. AMAZING! Well done Ben. You’re a gentleman and a scholar.
Two-on-One Date with Twin & Olivia
It is a freaking hurricane and these maniacs just hop into a small boat. The seas look treacherous. Emily’s cut offs are even more treacherous. High waisted mom jean shorts with a zipper all the way to the top.
These three arrive at the beach, cheers, and then sit awkwardly in silence. Olivia takes her one-on-one time with Ben to sing her own praises: “I’m at peace with who I am and I love who I am. I’ve very grounded. I’m very in tune with my body. I’m really strong. I’m really confident. I know who I am. Deep intellectual things are my jam.” And then she tells him that she is in love with him. He is “glad” about it. Not a ringing endorsement.
Twin very aggressively takes her time to tell him that she is ready for him and is looking for validation. He listens, but he doesn’t kiss her. This date looks full out terrible. It’s a cold, windy and awkward. Ben grabs the rose and walks away with O, who marches along like a man. Ben tells her that he appreciates her speaking from her heart…and then says he can’t reciprocate those feelings…all while they are getting pummeled by wind and rain. It is the worst break-up ever…second to when one of the Bachelorettes left a guy on a glacier. Who was that? Was it Jillian? Emily gets the rose and does a lot of squealing while Olivia stands alone next to a blow hole looking sad. They legit make her stand alone on the island while the boat drives away. That is just cruel. But also amazing.
The rose ceremony takes place while the tropical storm rages on. Ben sends his consiglieri, Chris, to cancel the cocktail party and head straight to the rose ceremony. Lauren B. is very nervous that she’s going home. Dear Lauren, he luffs you. He will not send you home. JoJo also has a meltdown for seemingly no reason.
As a reminder, Caila, Twin and Amanda have roses and thus, are safe. Becca receives the first rose and JoJo the second. It’s a battle of the Laurens and I think we all know who will come out on top. Lauren H. is headed back to the mitten. I bet everyone is so excited that they can just say Lauren from here on out. Lord knows I am

Bachelor Recap: Viva Mexico!

The crew heads to Mexico City. There is a lot of finger dancing on the plane and then of course the girls ooh and ahh about the hotel. They’re staying at the Four Seasons. Remember last season with Chris where they were basically staying in a haunted hotel right off the highway in Iowa? Becca is probably like “TRADE UP!”
Olivia kicks off the episode talking about their love language yet again, and how it is reserved just for her. She (again) believes she’s going to get the one-on-one and (again) is NOT the one to get the one-on-one date. It goes to the high voiced mom of two, Amanda, with the note “Let’s put all our eggs in one basket”. Ben, this girls eggs are pretty fertile, you may not want to do that just yet.
Ben kicks off the date before 5am by waking all the girls up while they’re asleep. I always love when they do this because the girls look like such shit. Lauren H. is rocking zit cream and a retainer and Ben of course says, “I sleep with a retainer too!” Ben, so do I. We have so much in common. We’re basically soulmates. Ditch these crazies and come live with me.  (And my husband and baby. That won’t be weird at all.) 
Ben finds Olivia’s weave. Amanda must have had a heads up on this wake-up call because she is wearing full make-up, including lip gloss. No one looks like that upon waking up NOR do they look like that if they sleep in their make-up. If I sleep in make-up I wake up looking like a heroin addict. Amanda looks like a g-d Disney princess. 
The date is an air balloon, which is a dream date. They fly over the ancient city of Teotihuacan, which I’m sure Bem practiced saying about 60 times. Sidenote: did they get breakfast? I’d be like, this is great, but I’ve been up since 3:30 putting make-up on before your “surprise” wake-up call and I’m effing starving. They have a little picnic and she leaves a full glass of champagne on the ground which is just sacrilege. To be honest, I’m not sure what they’re talking about…basically they are talking about what they’re going to talk about later? Another blogger just pointed out how Ben is holding the champagne flute and now I can’t unsee it. 
Group date card comes and all the girls names are on it except for Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher from Michigan with great hair, which results in Olivia being a total stalker.
Amanda is nervous to talk to Ben about how she’s been married and divorced and has two kids. She’s had a busy 25 years. They got married when her oldest was six months old, and then she kind of talks shit about her ex-husband on national television? I mean, the guy sounds like a total douche, but isn’t it weird to share this publicly? Your family and kids can see this at some point. Ben, of course, responds diplomatically and tells her how incredible she is. She gets the rose, even though she’s wearing an Ice Capades costume. I don’t see the chemistry between these two, and I think Ben maybe just wants to love her because the poor girl has had a rough go of it.
Group Date- Come Se Dice The Way to the Man’s Heart
The date starts off with a Spanish class. Caila of course throws herself at Ben. Ugh. Becca is wearing a terrible half up half down top knot. Jubuilee gets a little sassy in Spanish class and of course Olivia feels some hidden chemistry while talking to Ben. She is too much. The second part of the date is heading to a restaurant to have a competition on who can make the best Mexican dish. They awkwardly break up into teams of two, except both Jubilee and Olivia try to partner with Ben. Obvi, Olivia wins because she is a bull. Remaining twin goes off an a tangent about how Olivia’s breath smells. “Ben was like ‘Hey lets go get some mint Olivia, I really want to try the mint!’
Ben tells us cooking is his thing, solidifying that minus his bad haircut and kind of oily/sweaty face, he is a dream man. And then he says “I’m not longer the Bachelor…I’m the Spatular” and I lost all interest. Ben watches all the ladies and recognizes that everyone is enjoying themselves and having fun except for Jubilee and Lauren B. Jubilee is like “It’s hard because we’re all at the point where we all have feelings for him”. Jubilee, this is The Bachelor, that is HOW it works. Also, can we talk about Becca’s dumb hair? A closer look:
The chefs try all the dishes, which leads to JoJo saying “I really want the chefs to taste my taco. Ben already tasted my taco…and he liked it”. Yikes! NC-17 rating on this episode. Olivia passes over her meal and the chefs comment that it looks like dog food, but they LOVE Lauren B and Jubilee’s fish. This whole part of the episode just made me hungry.
I hate when the girls call Ben their “boyfriend”. He is NOT your boyfriend. Boyfriend implies exclusion. As they sit down for the cocktail party of their date, Olivia immediately grabs Ben despite being partnered up with him All. Day. Long. She clearly doesn’t want to make any friends on this show. Ben has a LOT of hang time with Lauren B. tonight with a ton of kissing all around the city. WTF is she wearing? It’s like a crop top tube dress? Jubilee is mad the whole time. Ben grabs her to chat, and she avoids his hand. She tells him that on group dates she feels overshadowed and that he doesn’t notice her at all. She is “trying to remember how it felt to be with him and does he even remember their one-on-one date?”. Ben said that walking away from the date he felt they had something that could be built upon. Then he drops a bomb and says, “It would be unfair to you to say that I’m confident in that now because I feel you’ve pulled back”. Boom. They talk around it for a while and then Ben dumps her with a “maybe we say goodbye”. See ya Jubilee! I honestly think that if she hadn’t been such a weirdo in group situations and had been more confident in who she actually was, that she would have stuck around longer. Jubs finishes up her confessional by adopting Ben’s persona as “the most unlovable person in the world right now.” Ben feels like a dick for dumping a veteran orphan whose entire family died, which, ya know, I get.
While Ben is telling the girls that Jubs is gone, JoJo interrupts him but uses the time to tell him how he handled the situation with respect and grace and that he “impacts her heart”. Ben gives the date rose to someone who struggled for a while and who he has reconnected with tonight and it goes to…Olivia. Girls are blindsided. Oliva eats a fruit kebab. God bless this girl, she is the only one who eats.
One-on-One Date between Lauren H. and Ben
Lauren is wearing insanely tiny shorts and a mini crop top version of a Mexican blouse. You’re a kindergarten teacher gal, be a little more modest. Ben calls Lauren H. ‘Lauren H.’ throughout the entire  date which is hilarious. They head into a store where the owner invites them to Mexico City fashion week which is “the best date ever” for Lauren H. To each their own. These two crazies then get invited to be part of the show. She is super nervous (Obvi) but Ben reassures her that no one there is as beautiful as her. Bold faced lie. Lauren blinks the entire time she walks down the runway but her legs are legit and Ben looks effing hot. Smoldering. Despite his ridiculous shirt.
Ben calls his relationship with Lauren H. “a slow burn”. He’s getting more serious with the other girls, and wants to see if he has a romantic connection with her as opposed to just a friendship. Lauren wants Ben to know that she’s got a serious side too and shares that she had a four year relationship and then the guy dumped her and she found out he was cheating on her. She said she chooses to be happy every day and does not want to be guarded. This story makes Ben feel more confident in her and lays one on her. Lauren H. gets the rose, resulting in me having to look up which one is Lauren H. and which one is Lauren B. for another next week.
Rose Ceremony: What the rock is JoJo wearing? It’s like a cross between a doily and nylons.
Also, I still know absolutely NOTHING about Leah. I’m amazed she is still there seeing as she hasn’t received a group date rose or a one-on-one, and hasn’t been featured at all. Here is a photo of Leah, because you probably have no idea who she is either. 
 Lauren B. talks to Ben and this is verbatim what she says: “I don’t talk about my feelings really with anyone, but I just feel like even like the two seconds when we’re not around each other people can like tell that I just really like like you. And I can see like a life with you, not just like getting married like initially like I could see A LIFE with you, which is like terrifying. Like a life. Like a life life.” Dear Lord.
Amanda was talking about her kids in the group and Olivia comments that she feels like she’s watching an episode of Teen Mom. Amanda calls her out on it, which is impressive and then Olivia laugh cries her way through an apology. Twin, rocking that sequin dress, decides she wants to tell Ben about Olivia which you know is the kiss of death for anyone on the Bachelor. When you spend your time talking about another girl, you’re gone. Twin breaks down about how fake Olivia is and does the ugly cry her sister did last week. Olivia then interrupts because she is an attention whore. Twin somehow gets on the phone with other twin and hysterically ugly cries. It’s amazing. While talking to Olivia, Ben is trying to figure out her relationship with the other girls and she just straight out lies to him. So Ben then asks the other girls vaguely how things are going in the house—and they all report negatively on big O.  Before kicking off the rose ceremony, Ben pulls Olivia aside. All the girls think this means she’ll be gonzo, but if I know Olivia like I think I know Olivia, she’ll talk her away out of it.
To be continued! Scenes for the next episode just show every single person crying and Ben standing alone in a hurricane. It’s gonna be amazing.