Bachelor Recap: Vegas Baby!

The episode starts with all these bitches talking about how “exhausted” they are. Girls, I haven’t slept through the night in basically a year and a half. A year and a half. That’s exhausted. Not this single lifestyle in which you don’t have a job, hang by the pool all day and then drink all night. Tough life. Chris Harrison comes in to share they are all headed to Vegas. Turns out the twins were born and raised in Vegas. Wholly unsurprised. The girls are freaking out about Vegas. It’s not like the Maldives ladies. It’s Vegas.
Ben apparently drove his Mustang to Vegas. There is so much horrible girly screaming in the first five minutes of this episode. I want to plug my ears. They screech their way along the Vegas Strip and then almost have a hear attack when they see this ridiculous sign. They keep talking about how “romantic” Ben is. Hello? We all know this was the producers? Also, this is not romantic. 
JoJo gets the first one-on-one date card. Oliva looks like someone killed her puppy. Then in the confessional says that Ben is her peace and comes up with this sassy one-liner: Ben is my zen.
JoJo and Ben kick off their date with some Chandon (my fave!) on a parking lot roof. The helicopter lands and almost rips JoJo’s stupid shirt off while knocking over the champagne, glasses and table. They crouch and hide between the table and immediately start kissing.  It looks kinda gross. I’m wondering if Ben is a bad kisser and this is why he’s not off the market yet? This thought makes me very very sad. JoJo is wearing one of those really expensive Cartier bracelts…which was obviously given to her by an ex-boyfriend right? That’s not something your parents give you for Christmas. Again, what is this shirt?
JoJo “opens up” on their date that she fears that the individual she invests in will not invest in her back. I’m so bored with this conversation, but JoJo is really pretty. These girls have amazing skin! Oh, what I would give to be 24 again! Ben starts playing with that bracelet that her ex definitely gave her. She gets the rose and then they head up back on the roof to watch fireworks while Ben nuzzles her ear and the girls all talk shit from the hotel.
Group date card read “Show me what you got”. Lauren H, who is moving to the front of my pack, says “I’m thinking maybe it’s like showgirls show? But I hope we don’t have to do nipples tassels, because that would not be good.” WHAT IS CAILA wearing? Neon and sequins? I know she is a fan favorite (ahem…Ry Mulderrig) but she rubs me the wrong way. They walk into a theatre where some comedian or ventriloquist greets them. The girls pretend to know who he is but clearly no one does (including me). The date is a talent competition. Girls are confused and scared–basically not many of these chicks have talent. The twins think Olivia’s talent “besides being the center of attention all the time” is singing.
They find out they have to open for this random comedian/ventriloquist tonight in front of a live audient.  Twins go first doing an Irish dance wearing German dirndl. They are really good! Jubilee is next up with the cello—also great. Lauren B. juggles (in a bikini), the mom hula hoops, Caila belly dances/hulas, Lauren H. sings in a chicken suit and Olivia busts out of a cake in her showgirl attire and does some of the worst “dancing” I’ve ever seen. She basically just walks around kicking her legs and doing some bad shimmying, which results in a panic attack in which she must be off camera followed by a lot of “I just don’t know if I can do this”. Oh, Olivia, you’re a hot mess.
She’s very upset she got a “pity hug” from Ben when she walked off the stage. Maybe she should have thought of that before revealing her talent. At the evening part of the date the girls are all in tiny short cocktail dresses and Ben is yet again in a leather jacket. What is happening with the temperature here? Or the wardrobes? Caila went straight in for a kiss immediately, leading to Ben calling her a “sex panther”.  Gross. Lauren H. brought out her Midwestern accent hard during her one-on-one time with Ben, but he’s into it and they finally kiss. Oliva is wearing a hideous gray romper that is unflattering in all ways. Ben is sweaty again. If you’re so sweaty Ben, take off that leather jacket. Ben lies to Oliva’s face and tells her that her performance today wasn’t terrible, and then they are promptly interrupted by Twin A. O comes back to the table and pounds some snacks, which seems reasonable. Ben cannot get enough of Lauren B. He is all over her. She’s pretty honest with him and lets him know that she missed him a lot and wants to be around him all the time, but she’s not needy or ridiculous about it, although she did say “This could be my last first date” which is a bold statement.
Twin B (?) is chatting with Ben when Olivia comes back and interrupts. Ben is over it. This girl is too high maintenance for him. But then he kisses her again? Ben…stop it right now. O then proceeds to freak out to the camera and stare weirdly for 10 minutes with her hand in her mouth. I wish I could get a full body shot of this terrible romper. 
 Lauren B. get the date rose because he is IN LOOOOOOVE with her. Tim and I both notice that there is one blonde chick that is really pretty who hasn’t been featured at all. I have not a clue what her name is.
Becca’s date kicks off with her receiving an enormous box for her date and in it is….a wedding dress! Jubilee says “She’s the perfect person to wear white!” Ha! Becca is picked up in a pink Cadillac and driven to the Little White Chapel where Ben greets her at the altar. He totally freaks her out by getting on one knee and saying “Will you marry…other people with me today?” Ben is ordained and they are going to marry couples. She admitted to being wholly panicked. Her face was hysterical. Sheer terror. You guys, could you imagine if you were married in Vegas at the Little White Chapel by the Bachelor? Amazing. Some fab couples got married in Vegas, including a lot of men in tuxedos t-shirts.
Ben takes Becca to the Neon Graveyard, where all the old signs go to die. I love it. Take me there. Ben has a lot on the agenda for tonight. He wants to know “Can Becca love? Can Becca feel?” Ben asks how this season is different than last and she said she cares more at this point then she ever did last season. BURN! Sorry Chris. They have a pretty honest conversation about faith and virginity which results in Ben saying the phrase, “Jump their bones”. I’d jump your bones Ben, anytime. Their kiss does not look as awkward as others I have seen. But Ben is still sweating/shiny. They freestyle some vows to one another and she gets the rose. I still think she is pretty but also thinks he looks like she is made of wax. 
Chris Harrison arrives again while the gals all barefaced which is refreshing, unless you’re the twins who look like death without make-up. Chris wants to have a date with two women in particular, Emily & Haley—the TWINS! Honestly I didn’t know their names until this part. They have one hour to put on their faces. Are they going to battle one another for Ben’s heart? Surprise to these girls…he takes them home to their mom…who looks exactly like them, down to the bleach blonde hair. Haley shows Ben her room, which has numerous photos of her ex-boyfriend on display. Awkward. Is she still living in this room or is this like her high school room? It looks insanely juvenile. She is forthright with Ben and says she doesn’t want to be considered part of a pair and she wants him to treat them as individuals. Emily then basically says to Ben, “Pick me.” Ben asks for insight from Mom who provides some good intel. Ben sits down with the gals and says goodbye to Haley. He did it in front of Mom so she’d have support, and then both twins made the same ugly cry face. I would do a side by side comparison but it would just be the same photo so you get it. 
At the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Jen (?)grabs Ben right out of the gate and everyone is very proud of her because it’s not Olivia. Five minutes into the conversation, out pops Olivia who I’ve noticed walks like a dude. She brought him some cheesecake and she’s back to understanding his “hidden signals”. Ben then kisses pretty much every girl on the date. He’s so cute to Jubilee—“You look scared out of your mind!”—and then gives her some lovely compliments. He’s a doll.
Becca, JoJo and Lauren B. are all safe going into the rose ceremony.  Single mom gets a rose. Tim & I cannot understand how you can be away from your kids this long. Who is watching them? Lauren H. gets a rose. Jubilee is safe, so is Twin B, Caila, Jennifer, Leah (this is the one we know nothing about!!!). It’s down to one rose between Olivia, Amber and the other girl that we don’t really know anything about her. Thanks to the writing at the bottom of the screen I learn she is Rachel, Unemployed from Little Rock. Oliva gets the last rose…for the second week in a row, which I think is just producer fodder to get the monologue from her. Amber pulls it together to say goodbye to Ben. Second time (third time? Was she on Bachelor in Paradise?), not a charm. Girlfriend just takes her shoes off and melts down. Bye Ambular!  
Next stop: Viva Mexico!

One thought on “Bachelor Recap: Vegas Baby!

  1. My coworkers and I were saying the same thing about Leah…she’s super pretty and seems normal! She’s slso from Denver and has a good job. Why no love, ABC?


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