Bachelor Recap: The Dates Begin

Before I get into the recap, I want to thank two ladies who started watching trashtastic The Bachelor JUST so they would know what is happening in my recaps. Welcome Natalie & Summer—the rest of us nuts are happy to have you join the world of terrible television.
First Group Date- Bachelor High
What are these chicks wearing? Nearly every single one of them is showing a midriff. Amber is basically wearing daisy dukes and a sports bra. Amber, you’re 30 years old, tone it down a notch. Lace is rocking an outfit straight out of 90210, complete with flannel tied loosely around her waist. Am I THAT out of tune with fashion? Chris Harrison is the principal, obvs.BEN HIGGINS, CHRIS HARRISON
The date: teams of two, four different “classes”. At the end of each “class”, one team is eliminated. The winner is crowned the Homecoming Queen. Science experiment- Lace & Jubilee are eliminated because Lace can’t read. Next up, bobbing for apples. These girls really go for it, except for Jackie, who apparently has a mini mouth. Then Geography. You guys, they had to find the state of Indiana and place it on the map. I would 100% judge, but I think my California grown self likely would not have been able to accomplish this if you asked me this at 18. That said, I at least knew what shape the state was, unlike Becca and JoJo. They are REALLY thrown by this task and place it sideways somewhere near the eastern seaboard. Finally, a free throw contest. Ugh, this would make me so uncomfortable. I hate doing sports I’m not good at, and I will admit to you fully that I played basketball for three years and made two baskets. TWO. BASKETS.  I’m a real Larry Bird. Amber and Mandi win this one.  Of course, Chris Harrison throws a wrench in the plan and pits the two winners against one another in a foot race, and despite the fact that Mandi is barefoot and wearing bell bottoms, she won. I generally don’t like to put other gals down (you know, outside these recaps), but this chick is just not attractive. Either way, she gets to wear Ben’s letterman jacket and ride around in a mustang with him wearing a crown and sash. The other girls get “emotional’, especially Lace, who likes like a character from The Rats of Nhym. You guys, should we get her together with Jared from the last Bachelorette season??!The Bachelor
The party side of the date starts. These are so darn awkward. I would be sitting alone housing that tasty cheese plate. Becca & Ben shoot some hoops together. She was one of my faves from Chris’ season, and I still like her, but did she get some work done?  Ben holds hands with a lot of these chicks and then kisses Jennifer? Ben, it’s the first date, take it easy.
**Flash to the girls waiting at the house. Olivia is definitely taken down to like a FOUR without make-up on. She is pissed the date card goes to Caila and we see A LOT of her mouth. Shut it down girl.
Lace is upset and fees like “he isn’t paying attention to [me]”. This chick is high maintenance. I hope she realizes that after this show, no man will ever date her. For realz. She kicks it off apologizing for her behavior the night before, and Ben acknowledges that he felt attacked. Now they’re “on the same page” and she notes that they are “eye f*cking” one another and almost ready for a kiss when Jubilee interrupts. That’s not what I interpret from their body language, but whatever Lace.
Jubliee shares that she appreciates Ben’s volunteer work because she was born in Haiti and was in an orphanage before she was adopted and came to the United States. Big story Jubs. He loves that she opens up and then goes in for a kiss. Ben, I am SHOCKED! Lace turns into a total nightmare, tells off Jubilee, says to the camera that “these bitches can suck it” and then marches in to Ben saying “I’m not crazy!” Girl, if you’re prefacing it with that, it means you’re crazy.
Ben brings JoJo (unicorn head) to the helicopter pad. He is crazy attracted to her and smooches her too. For those counting at home, he’s kissed three girls on tonight’s date. JoJo gets the rose. Poor Jubilee.
First One-on-One: Ride Along
Ben picks up Caila for their one-on-one date. Surprise, surprise, I can see her midriff. Kevin Hart and Ice Cube show up to join them on their date. Ben is approximately 78 feet taller than Kevin Hart.
Girls back home are thinking they can possibly be going on a red carpet event. Instead they are buying flowers from a roadside stand, hitting up a liquor store for condoms and taking a soak at a hot tub store. Glamorous.
The single mom facetimed with her kids. My husband thinks she is super hot. REALLY? I don’t know if I trust his judgement anymore. Date card arrives. Surprise, it’s a group date! I’m not even going to bother telling you who’s on it. Sorry ya’ll, there are just too many people at this point.
Date night for Caila and Ben. It creeps me out so much that they are in empty restaurants for their dates. How unsettling would that be? Caila manages not to tell Ben that she dumped her boyfriend to be with him, which is a good move on her part. Again, look at those delicious meals on their plate, fully untouched. Also, Ben, no one is going to walk away from you. You are not unlovable Maybe you need some therapy for this. Or a sit down with Robin Williams circa Good Will Hunting. Verdict: I like Caila much more than I did in the first episode. She turned the beat around. Thank God, as I would hate to vote against a fellow Boston College Eagle. Ben gives her a rose. Oh god, you guys. The worst part of the Bachelor is when they have to go to a private concert and awkwardly dance. It’s a staple of every season. I do love Amos Lee though, and Ben, so I’d be all over it. If you haven’t seen him (Amos, not Ben) in concert, I highly recommend! This moment is ruined when Caila says, “If I could live forever in this moment I would”. Cheeseball city.
Group Date #2- LoveLab Technologies
The Twin says “Don’t put the blonde on this date”. Another one, maybe the same one, says she isn’t very smart. Ugh. Girls, get it together.  They do some scientific testing on the gals. It’s ridiculous. At one point they need to run on a treadmill and then Ben smells them. You guys, I would just smell horrible. He would be like “oh, you smell like sweat and body odor”.  He goes down the line sniffing the girls’ backs and tells them they smell “fruity” and “sweet”. Then he tells Sam that she smells ‘sour’. It is so horrifying. That would 100% be me. Watching this thing, Olivia says “I’m incredibly confident in our relationship”. Um, you only met one time…yesterday. Sam gets the lowest score (2.4) and Olivia gets the highest at (7.45). Doctor Love, ie, random actor they found on the street, verifies that they are a match!


Nightime date at Ben’s place. Ben is wearing a hooded sweatshirt with a blazer. Yuck. Is he sweating balls because the girls are in short cocktail dresses?! He cannot wait more than like 35 seconds to kiss Olivia (Kiss Count: 4). Amanda tells Ben that she has two kids. I think it’s pretty important to come out with that right up front because some people may not be interested in that. I think Ben would probably be ok with that, but at 26 there is no way I would take that on. Ben kisses her (Kiss Count: 5). Olivia gets the date rose. Girlfriend has two roses in a row. Everyone hates her. I hate her. Amanda then melts down and doesn’t think it’s worth it for her to be there. Amanda, this is why The Bachelor should not be your first dating experience after your divorce.
Cocktail Party Rose Ceremony
Olivia creeps around Ben and says you shouldn’t “rest on laurels” before she steals him for more one-on-one time. Firstly, its rest ON your laurels. Secondly, it is an unwritten rule that if you already have a rose you do NOT take any of the Bachelor’s time during the cocktail party. It is just unfair. The girls are pissed. Obviously Lace then takes Oliva aside to chat with her about it. While I don’t really like Olivia, she deals with Lace better than I would. For the third time, Lace says she doesn’t want Ben to think she’s crazy. She also has started speaking about herself in the third person. Yikes! And then she tells Ben that she is “a lot to handle” and that “there is a lot to her that she’s working on” while she is telling maybe the worst story of all time about her hair in fourth grade. Ben literally almost throws himself off the balcony to get out of that situation.
Lauren B, the flight attendant, has some one-on-one time with Ben. He made her a photo of the two of them during their first conversation together (ahem…like three days ago). I think she’s in it for the long haul. Ben is either the most darling person imaginable or has a great team handling him, because he grabs Amanda (the mom) and brings her hair barrettes that they can make for her daughters. You guys. 
The usual suspects get roses, including both twins. Then Lace got the rose. People. Come on. Ben is not an idiot, he can read crazy from a mile away. He is a nice and genuine guy, there is no way he would deal with that maniac. We’re on to you producers!! He gives a rose to LB, who pulls him aside and says this process is really hard and she’s not sure if she can do it. Apparently she peaced out.  It kind of comes out of left field?. Amber is melting down about not getting any time with Ben and how he doesn’t know her, which obviously means she will get a rose. Prediction: correct! She gets a rose.
Sent home: Sam, the attorney with a sour smell, Mandi, the ugly dentist and some other girl who I know nothing about but has ratty hair. Previews for next week look amaze as always. Lots of tears. Love it.
Who are your faves?

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