Bachelor Recap: It Begins!

Girls, it’s my favorite time of year. Bachelor season. If I wasn’t on a lame Fit Girls 28 Day Challenge, I would have been enjoying this with a glorious glass of wine. Instead, I washed this drama down with a hardboiled egg. My muffin top thanks you for understanding.
While I love nearly each and every season of The Bachelor (Juan Pablo was hard to stomach), this one is sure to be fabulous. My love for Ben Higgins is well documented. He is tall, dark and handsome, an all-American boy, and just so darn charming!
Background on Ben
Ben is from Warsaw, Indiana. Cue scene of him standing in a cornfield and shooting hoops against a barn, which is definitely not his home and likely not even in his town. But it sure makes the Midwest look prettier than when old Farmer Chris took those girls to middle of nowhere Iowa. Ben gives us a tour of the town and the places that formed him i.e., his elementary school, his high school and…the movie theatre. We learn that he not only played basketball but was QB of the football team. So Ben has been dreamy for decades. He goes back to be the Grand Marshal for the homecoming parade, which he seems genuinely excited about?! Heart eyes abound. Even this 7 year old knows what’s up.

Little Girl

Ben has a little sit down with Mom and Dad. We get back to the whole “unlovable” thing from last season. Apparently darling Ben has been dumped in the past and wasn’t loved as much as he loved. I still find this impossible but whatever. He wants a love like his parents have. You know what I want? A lake house like his parents have. Get me an invite Ben. His parents are pretty supportive of this whole venture. I still don’t understand why anyone lets their child be on reality tv, but what do I know. As Ben walks away from his parents, those of us that look closely (me) see an insane sweat mark on his back. I’ll forgive it, Ben. It gets hot in the Midwest in the summer.
Advice from Former Bachelors
Ben drives up to the mansion in a ridiculous mustang rocking a TERRIBLE haircut. Who shaved the sides of his head? Woof. Ben then meets with former bachelors, Chris Soules, Sean Lowe and Jason Mesnik. A) Jason has not aged well. At all. He is like a little nerdy hobbit. B) Why would you ask for advice from Chris Soules, seeing as he ended his engagement? C) Sean and his wifey were on some sort of celebrity marriage bootcamp so I likely wouldn’t take advice from them either. I also forgot how grating Chris’ giggle is. Ben is taking this very seriously and asking good questions. And then he says, “I just want to find someone who is excited about the idea of being alive”. WTF Ben! Get it together.
The Ladies Arrive
We get a preview of a few chicks before the limo scene. Here is the breakdown:
Lauren B. Flight attendant. Great skin. Killer body. Dumb friends.
Caila. Software sales rep from Boston. Shares that she broke up with her boyfriend after she saw Ben on TV. #totalcreeper
Jubilee.  Army vet.  Lives in Florida. Great body. Token black girl. I’m only saying this because the lack of diversity on The Bachelor is apparent. It’s ridiculous.
Mandy.  Dentist. Looks like an ugly Heather Graham. I think she’ll be the season weirdo.
Haley & Emily. 22 year old twins. I already HATE them. Fake hair, dumb make-up, matching clothes. THE. WORST.

Amanda. Esthetician. Mom of two girls…one of them is not even two yet. Since her divorce, she hasn’t gotten back into the dating world. Amanda, I’m not sure if this is the best way to dip your toe back in. Also, you have an annoying voice. Also, as a mom, there is no way I could leave my two young daughters to go on a show. This is selfish.
Tiara. Chicken enthusiast. One of the chickens, Sheila, does everything with her. Camera then pans to a framed wall of photos of chickens and then Ben’s photo from The Bachelorette. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE/PRODUCERS? “What comes first.-.the chicken or the Ben?” Hate you Tiara.


The Women Arrive
Tim says “I hate this part. It’s so awkward”. Obviously he doesn’t know why we all love The Bachelor.I’m still annoyed with Ben’s dumb hair. I’m also annoyed that I can’t find a photo that shows how terrible it is.
  • First out of the limo is the flight attendant. She brought him wings and told him she can’t wait to “take off” on this journey. Decent.
  • Second is the stalker from Boston, who ran and JUMPED into his arms. This girl is a hot mess.
  • Third is Jennifer, a “small business owner” who Ben calls ‘stunning’.
  • Fourth, Jami, a really giggly bartender from Canada.
  • Then comes Sam, the attorney. Her dress is over the top. Then she says “Boxers or legal briefs”. UGH.
  • Jubilee, the army veteran shows up. She throws out some cheesy pick-up lines, but actually says it as a joke. I like her.
  • Amanda, the esthetician. Her voice is THE. PITS.
  • Guys, her name is Lace. She asks him to close his eyes and then lays one on him. He seems into it. Maybe I don’t know Ben at all!Lace Kiss.jpg
  • Lauren, math teacher. She says he is at a disadvantage because she’s had the opportunity to stalk him over social media the past few months. He asks her name three times and she just keeps talking over him. Clearly already wasted.
  • Shushanna, mathematician. She marches out speaking a different language. It’s stupid.
  • Leah, event planner. Says “Ready to play ball?” And then pulls up her skirt, shoving her butt in his face and hikes a ball at him saying “I knew you were a catch”. The dress is terrible.Hike.jpg
  • A unicorn then comes out of the limo. Some idiot is wearing a unicorn on her head. JoJo is a real estate developer. What makes these girls think stuff like that is ok? unicorn.jpg
  • Lauren H, kindergarten teacher, who throws a wedding bouquet at him. Way to make the guy run for the hills Lauren.
  • Laura, Account Executive. A pretty redhead. Normal.
  • Mandi, the dentist marches up with a huge rose headband and tells him he can pollinate it later. Ben is creeped out, for obvious reasons.rose.jpg
Twins. Tim looks at my face and says “Are you going to survive this season? You better hope they get kicked off right away”. They are so giggly and annoying. They are excited to date the same guy, proving they are complete idiots.   More twins
Lace is already proving that she’s a total bitch by making snide remarks and eye roles. Also drunk.Lace Wine.png
Maegan, cowboy, walks in with Huey her mini horse. She’s from Texas, unsurprisingly. You guys, I would FREAK OUT if a mini horse walked into a party. My head would explode from sheer excitement. Ben has nothing on Huey the mini horse.Huey
Breanne, a nutritional therapist from Seattle, doesn’t eat any gluten so brought him a basket of bread to break. “Gluten is the devil”. Girl, you are the devil. Gluten is the best.Gluten
Izzy, graphic designer, showed up in pajamas and said “I had to find out if you’re the onesie for me”. Bye Felicia!  onesie
Rachel, unemployed, shows up on a hover board. Her dress has a train. Bad move.
Lace cuts in saying she is way prettier than everyone. And then calls everyone fake. Um, what?

Lace Face

Jessica, accountant, also from Florida. EVERYONE is from Florida. Any Midwestern gals in this group?
Tiara, the chicken enthusiast arrives. Lots of sequins on that girl’s dress. No Sheila perched on her shoulder so that’s good.
LB, fashion buyer, marches up in a bandage dress from 5 years ago.
Jackie, a gerontologist. She brings him a save the date for their wedding. Yikes. #tohigginsandtohold
Olivia, a stunning news anchor steps out. She looks like Cameron Diaz in The Mask. She’s 23. These girls are SO young! No one is ready to get married at 22 people. She’s going to be in it for a long time. I’m calling it now. olivia
After meeting the gals, Ben calls his parents. That’s cute…and contrived.
The Cocktail Party
Ben is welcoming all the ladies when ugly Heather Graham interrupts him and steals him from the room. She then gives him an oral exam. Tim thinks she is on drugs. He may be right. Producers will probably keep her on for the crazy.
That creeper from Boston says that “what is so romantic that they have in common is that they are both in software sales”. Whaa-whaa.
Some girl plays Pictionary with him, which is fun. I like games.
And then for the bait and switch…..out come former Bachelorettes Becca and Amber. I don’t really remember Amber at all, honestly. Was she the bartender from Chicago? Becca
These two walk in and everyone is pissed, especially Lace, that crazy son of a bitch. She’s got a lot of teeth. She steals him and then asks him for “a better kiss”. He deflects and says he wants to spend the time getting to know everyone first before he allows the physicality. Either he’s a nice guy or he doesn’t want to kiss the drunk crazy gal. Apparently it’s the former because Ben grabs her later and pulls her away from the crowd and reaffirmed what he said because he didn’t want her to feel rejected. He’s a nice boy, that Ben.
Some other lady pulls him aside and said she needs two things when she dates 1) have the same morals and values and 2) there must be a physical attraction. Don’t these peeps have a normal conversations?
News anchor gets the first impression rose. She’s got a lot of teeth too. olivia teeth
Guys, there are so many jewels on the dresses! They are like pageant dresses. Is this the style this year?
Does Ben have an earpiece where someone feeds him names? A big part of my job is meeting people and memorizing names, but 28 is A LOT of names. At this point, Tim even notices how bad Ben’s hair is.
Lauren B, the flight attendant gets the first rose. So does bandage dress, the creeper from Boston, Amber, a few randoms, Jubilee, the single mom with the voice, the lady that played Pictionary, Sam the attorney, both of the twins (STUPID), Shoshanna the Russian—does this chick even speak English? Did they have a conversation? Becca gets a rose. At this point, Lace is melting down and says “Let’s be honest, who wants an effing virgin”. Ugh, Ben picks Mandy, the ugly Heather Graham dentist who wore the rose on her head. And then he picks Lace. That was a producer choice, FO’ SHO’. I’m disappointed he didn’t pick that little redhead. She was darling! Four chicks go home, including the Nutritional Therapist. Sorry chick, the dude likes bread.
After they all toast, Lace pulls Ben aside again saying “You didn’t even look at me once during the whole thing.” She’s a hot mess and tells him she hopes it is the right thing for her. She’s drunk and combative. Poor Ben. The drama starts now. I can’t wait. 

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