Bachelor Recap: Vegas Baby!

The episode starts with all these bitches talking about how “exhausted” they are. Girls, I haven’t slept through the night in basically a year and a half. A year and a half. That’s exhausted. Not this single lifestyle in which you don’t have a job, hang by the pool all day and then drink all night. Tough life. Chris Harrison comes in to share they are all headed to Vegas. Turns out the twins were born and raised in Vegas. Wholly unsurprised. The girls are freaking out about Vegas. It’s not like the Maldives ladies. It’s Vegas.
Ben apparently drove his Mustang to Vegas. There is so much horrible girly screaming in the first five minutes of this episode. I want to plug my ears. They screech their way along the Vegas Strip and then almost have a hear attack when they see this ridiculous sign. They keep talking about how “romantic” Ben is. Hello? We all know this was the producers? Also, this is not romantic. 
JoJo gets the first one-on-one date card. Oliva looks like someone killed her puppy. Then in the confessional says that Ben is her peace and comes up with this sassy one-liner: Ben is my zen.
JoJo and Ben kick off their date with some Chandon (my fave!) on a parking lot roof. The helicopter lands and almost rips JoJo’s stupid shirt off while knocking over the champagne, glasses and table. They crouch and hide between the table and immediately start kissing.  It looks kinda gross. I’m wondering if Ben is a bad kisser and this is why he’s not off the market yet? This thought makes me very very sad. JoJo is wearing one of those really expensive Cartier bracelts…which was obviously given to her by an ex-boyfriend right? That’s not something your parents give you for Christmas. Again, what is this shirt?
JoJo “opens up” on their date that she fears that the individual she invests in will not invest in her back. I’m so bored with this conversation, but JoJo is really pretty. These girls have amazing skin! Oh, what I would give to be 24 again! Ben starts playing with that bracelet that her ex definitely gave her. She gets the rose and then they head up back on the roof to watch fireworks while Ben nuzzles her ear and the girls all talk shit from the hotel.
Group date card read “Show me what you got”. Lauren H, who is moving to the front of my pack, says “I’m thinking maybe it’s like showgirls show? But I hope we don’t have to do nipples tassels, because that would not be good.” WHAT IS CAILA wearing? Neon and sequins? I know she is a fan favorite (ahem…Ry Mulderrig) but she rubs me the wrong way. They walk into a theatre where some comedian or ventriloquist greets them. The girls pretend to know who he is but clearly no one does (including me). The date is a talent competition. Girls are confused and scared–basically not many of these chicks have talent. The twins think Olivia’s talent “besides being the center of attention all the time” is singing.
They find out they have to open for this random comedian/ventriloquist tonight in front of a live audient.  Twins go first doing an Irish dance wearing German dirndl. They are really good! Jubilee is next up with the cello—also great. Lauren B. juggles (in a bikini), the mom hula hoops, Caila belly dances/hulas, Lauren H. sings in a chicken suit and Olivia busts out of a cake in her showgirl attire and does some of the worst “dancing” I’ve ever seen. She basically just walks around kicking her legs and doing some bad shimmying, which results in a panic attack in which she must be off camera followed by a lot of “I just don’t know if I can do this”. Oh, Olivia, you’re a hot mess.
She’s very upset she got a “pity hug” from Ben when she walked off the stage. Maybe she should have thought of that before revealing her talent. At the evening part of the date the girls are all in tiny short cocktail dresses and Ben is yet again in a leather jacket. What is happening with the temperature here? Or the wardrobes? Caila went straight in for a kiss immediately, leading to Ben calling her a “sex panther”.  Gross. Lauren H. brought out her Midwestern accent hard during her one-on-one time with Ben, but he’s into it and they finally kiss. Oliva is wearing a hideous gray romper that is unflattering in all ways. Ben is sweaty again. If you’re so sweaty Ben, take off that leather jacket. Ben lies to Oliva’s face and tells her that her performance today wasn’t terrible, and then they are promptly interrupted by Twin A. O comes back to the table and pounds some snacks, which seems reasonable. Ben cannot get enough of Lauren B. He is all over her. She’s pretty honest with him and lets him know that she missed him a lot and wants to be around him all the time, but she’s not needy or ridiculous about it, although she did say “This could be my last first date” which is a bold statement.
Twin B (?) is chatting with Ben when Olivia comes back and interrupts. Ben is over it. This girl is too high maintenance for him. But then he kisses her again? Ben…stop it right now. O then proceeds to freak out to the camera and stare weirdly for 10 minutes with her hand in her mouth. I wish I could get a full body shot of this terrible romper. 
 Lauren B. get the date rose because he is IN LOOOOOOVE with her. Tim and I both notice that there is one blonde chick that is really pretty who hasn’t been featured at all. I have not a clue what her name is.
Becca’s date kicks off with her receiving an enormous box for her date and in it is….a wedding dress! Jubilee says “She’s the perfect person to wear white!” Ha! Becca is picked up in a pink Cadillac and driven to the Little White Chapel where Ben greets her at the altar. He totally freaks her out by getting on one knee and saying “Will you marry…other people with me today?” Ben is ordained and they are going to marry couples. She admitted to being wholly panicked. Her face was hysterical. Sheer terror. You guys, could you imagine if you were married in Vegas at the Little White Chapel by the Bachelor? Amazing. Some fab couples got married in Vegas, including a lot of men in tuxedos t-shirts.
Ben takes Becca to the Neon Graveyard, where all the old signs go to die. I love it. Take me there. Ben has a lot on the agenda for tonight. He wants to know “Can Becca love? Can Becca feel?” Ben asks how this season is different than last and she said she cares more at this point then she ever did last season. BURN! Sorry Chris. They have a pretty honest conversation about faith and virginity which results in Ben saying the phrase, “Jump their bones”. I’d jump your bones Ben, anytime. Their kiss does not look as awkward as others I have seen. But Ben is still sweating/shiny. They freestyle some vows to one another and she gets the rose. I still think she is pretty but also thinks he looks like she is made of wax. 
Chris Harrison arrives again while the gals all barefaced which is refreshing, unless you’re the twins who look like death without make-up. Chris wants to have a date with two women in particular, Emily & Haley—the TWINS! Honestly I didn’t know their names until this part. They have one hour to put on their faces. Are they going to battle one another for Ben’s heart? Surprise to these girls…he takes them home to their mom…who looks exactly like them, down to the bleach blonde hair. Haley shows Ben her room, which has numerous photos of her ex-boyfriend on display. Awkward. Is she still living in this room or is this like her high school room? It looks insanely juvenile. She is forthright with Ben and says she doesn’t want to be considered part of a pair and she wants him to treat them as individuals. Emily then basically says to Ben, “Pick me.” Ben asks for insight from Mom who provides some good intel. Ben sits down with the gals and says goodbye to Haley. He did it in front of Mom so she’d have support, and then both twins made the same ugly cry face. I would do a side by side comparison but it would just be the same photo so you get it. 
At the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Jen (?)grabs Ben right out of the gate and everyone is very proud of her because it’s not Olivia. Five minutes into the conversation, out pops Olivia who I’ve noticed walks like a dude. She brought him some cheesecake and she’s back to understanding his “hidden signals”. Ben then kisses pretty much every girl on the date. He’s so cute to Jubilee—“You look scared out of your mind!”—and then gives her some lovely compliments. He’s a doll.
Becca, JoJo and Lauren B. are all safe going into the rose ceremony.  Single mom gets a rose. Tim & I cannot understand how you can be away from your kids this long. Who is watching them? Lauren H. gets a rose. Jubilee is safe, so is Twin B, Caila, Jennifer, Leah (this is the one we know nothing about!!!). It’s down to one rose between Olivia, Amber and the other girl that we don’t really know anything about her. Thanks to the writing at the bottom of the screen I learn she is Rachel, Unemployed from Little Rock. Oliva gets the last rose…for the second week in a row, which I think is just producer fodder to get the monologue from her. Amber pulls it together to say goodbye to Ben. Second time (third time? Was she on Bachelor in Paradise?), not a charm. Girlfriend just takes her shoes off and melts down. Bye Ambular!  
Next stop: Viva Mexico!

Bachelor Recap: The Drama Begins

The episode kicks off with the girls are already talking shit about Olivia…who REALLY does not look good without make-up. Rumor has it she spent $40,000 on clothes. Um, you’re 23 and currently unemployed so maybe that wasn’t your best move O.
Chris Harrison drops off the first date card. That guy has the easiest job ever. Lauren B gets the first date card. I think this gal is front runner. Also, can I have the number of her facialist? She has gorgeous skin. Ben takes her on a bi-pane. She said she is terrified. Girl, you’re a flight attendant. They do get to wear sweet WWII leather helmets and goggles. They are chatting in the plane and then shared maybe one of the most awkward first little kisses I’ve ever seen. Tim & I both cringed and said “Oh god”. Maybe it was because they had microphones? No matter what, it was tough to watch.
I cannot figure out the temperatures on this show. Ben is always in jeans and long sleeve tops and the girls are in short shorts. The plane lands in a remote location where there is a hot tub. Weird. Clearly this show is sponsored by Jacuzzi. Lauren B changes behind a tree?  Also, Ben has like a novel tattooed on his side. Ben…please. They don’t really talk and pretty much just sit anmake-out in the middle of nowhere.

Meanwhile, back at the mansion…Caila tells JoJo that it is just hitting her that there are other girls here and starts hysterically crying. I told you guys that bitch was crazy. Her voice gets ridic while talking about this. If I knew how to embed video, I would do it. Oh, she cries in the confessional too. The chick she is talking to is like “Get me out of here”. Caila, you’ve obviously watched the Bachelor before…you KNOW there are other girls here and that is how this works you maniac.
Back to the date: Lauren B says “like” every other word. I blame the Cali living. Ben says “how has a dude not get grabbed you up already?” Um… because she is 25? Also Ben, how has no one grabbed you up already? He wants to open himself up to her and talks about how his dad had heart problems and had emergency triple bypass surgery. All I can think about while he’s talking is that Ben is kind of sweaty? Or needs some oil sheets or something? Lauren B. seems like a nice and normal girl, and Ben obvi gives her the rose. I see this going far my friends. I see this going far. But they REALLY need to work on their kissing. Oh God, another random concert for two. Back to back awkward concerts.
Date card arrives—group date! Love is the goal. Jubilee is not on the date card, but is excited that means she can go on a one-on-one date this week. The date is at the LA Coliseum which means  lots of spandex on these gals. Two women from the US World Cup soccer team are there to help them out, because not ONE of the girls has played soccer? As a side note, I feel like soccer players have the best bods. Olivia notes that Ben is looking really good in with his blue shirt, and his eyes, and pants. A) Ben has brown eyes. B) They are generic black pants.
Back at the mansion…Jubilee is melting down saying she is too “complicated” for Ben and that he likes the sweet and nice girls. Poor JoJo is on the receiving end of the tears again. She’s going to try to scale the walls to get out of this situation.
Back to this Soccter Date: The teams play one another. Team Stars & Team Stripes. How patriotic. Chris Harrison, looking mighty sporty, shares that the winning team is the only one that gets to continue the date at the “after-party” while the losing team is forced to head back to the mansion. They also make the girls wear buns with their jerseys. Just put them in real soccer shorts producers, please. As it turns out Twin Emily is a pretty amazing goalie. Girl has no problem sacrificing her bod for Ben. It is quite unexpected. Game goes into sudden death, of course. Stripes win thanks to Amber’s goal.
Rachel hurts her knee at some point and the girls carry Rachel back the mansion Keri Strugg/Bela Karolyi style. It is ridiculous.
The After Party. Ben is welcoming all the girls and Olivia interrupts him while he’s talking to pull him away. Again, the girls are all in tiny cocktail dresses and Ben is wearing a leather jacket. Olivia tells Ben the girls find her intimidating. All the girls are talking shit about her—that her toes are gross, her boobs are fake and that she had bad breath. One of the girls pulls Olivia aside and tells her this? I’m not sure why she wants Olivia as an ally but whatever. Olivia was like, “What were they saying? Was it about my calves? My cankles?” and then admits she does have terrible toes.
Date card for the next one-on-one goes to Jubliee. She jumps up like she has won the lottery, which is a little much. Poor JoJo is just there again.
Group Date After-Party. Amber talks to him for like three minutes and then they kiss.  I’m not seeing the chemistry there, but whatever. Apparently Ben does because he gives her the date rose. Olivia is sad she didn’t get a rose but said, “I know his heart”. Girlfriend, it’s been two weeks.
Jubliee’s Date. You guys, the Russian girl spoke! In English! Jubilee gets picked up in a helicopter. She jokingly asked if anyone else wanted to go on her date (because she was scared) and all of the girls acted horribly offended. Get over it ladies. They arrive at a health spa, which is like my dream date. Champagne, delicious snacks (first time I’ve ever seen anyone eat on this show) except Jubilee does not like the caviar and says her go to food is hot dogs. Claire, you got a friend in Jubilee. They played a little shuffleboard and then, surprise, surprise, another hot tub! Ben is either super hot or super embarrassed because he is BRIGHT red this entire experience. I spent this whole segment trying to read Jubilee’s chest tattoo. So far I have “The pastry princess”? Any other guesses? These two are really going deep as Ben probes into Jubilee’s past and we learn that her entire family died except for her. Jesus.  Ben kind of has to give her a rose after this conversation. I mean could you imagine if she was like “My whole family died, and I lived in an orphanage in Haiti” and then he was like “Sorry. Pack your bags sister”.
Back at the house the girls are already talking shit about Jubilee. They’re a catty group and Cailia seems to be at the center of a lot of it. Ben walks into the cocktail party and Olivia’s HUGE mouth welcomes him. Ben then shares that two close family friends died in an airplane crash the night prior. Google research shows that it was his former football coach. This is a rough episode you guys! Ben then says that moments like this make him realize he wants someone in his life that he can sit with during the sad moments. Cue Olivia stealing him, sitting him down and immediately jumps in to how she hates her legs. And her cankles. And then almost starts crying about how this is hard to talk about. Ben’s face says it all. Then in comes the esthetician who offers him a warm hug and a shoulder to lean on.

This Jubilee against the girls thing seems really scripted. Jubliee gives Ben a massage to make him feel better. The girls are so pissed, especially because she has a rose. I get that she doesn’t need time, but she is doing something nice for him at least? Sometimes this show makes me so embarrassed for women. Or maybe just society in general?  The girls (led by Amber) decide to confront Jubilee about her behavior? I don’t really get it. It backfires and Ben heads up to see how she is doing.  People are still really upset about her comment about the date? Girls, get some levity please. Jubilee is sobbing and Amber looks like an idiot. Amber, this is your second time on the show. Have you learned nothing? 
Lace, wearing a stupid dress, pulls Ben to the side while crying (crazytown central). She again says this show has been rough on her, and that she has a lot of work to do on herself. You can’t love someone else until you truly love yourself. And then just leaves. What a nut job. Can you imagine what this will do for her real estate career? Geez Louise.
Rose Ceremony:
SHUSHANNA is wearing a pantsuit. There is so much HAIR. Lots of extensions in that room. Twin #1 is nervous that her relationship is not moving as fast as the others. Both twins are safe though. Olivia looks super greasy. Caila is so freaking eager. She’s like a puppy. Take it down a notch girl. Only one rose left and Olivia doesn’t have one? Could it be the fact that his family friends died and she talked about her cankles??!!!! She does in fact get it, and Shushanna and that other girl that was kind of bitchy this episode are let go. The lesson she learned from this experience is “Don’t ever expect anything from humans” which demonstrates that Ben made the right decision. I’m going end this by saying that Olivia is full out delusional. She literally believes they have some sort of unspoken communication. I think I’m going to miss Lace. 
Next week: Vegas Baby!

These Are My Confessions

You better have sung that Usher style or else we can’t be friends.
  1. I bought Emma a bag of Veggie Straws at the grocery store yesterday and it is completely gone. She had like five. The rest went straight down my gullet. I try to justify these as they are organic and “veggie straws” but lets be honest, they’re colored potato chips.
2. I’ve been listening to Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” on repeat. My husband is ready to kill me but Emma is totally into my dance moves. #sorrynotsorry
3. We allow our dog to eat the leftover food off of Emma’s tray and highchair. It is potentially revolting but saves SO much clean up. (Don’t worry, I then clean the tray before feeding her again.) Pup
4. I work from home a fair amount, and as such there are days when I don’t have meetings that I just wear leggings or sweatpants all day. Stay at home or work from home moms, how do you motivate to shower and get dressed? Send some motivation my way. 57599602
5. Emma and I were both hit with a stomach virus last weekend. It was bad news bears. But the whole time I kept thinking, “This will definitely kick start my 2016 weight loss!” I’ve been trying to do Fit Girls 28 Day Jumpstart and have also started going to Pure Baree which is an insane work out and is getting me in gear. I’m basically like:

Bachelor Recap: The Dates Begin

Before I get into the recap, I want to thank two ladies who started watching trashtastic The Bachelor JUST so they would know what is happening in my recaps. Welcome Natalie & Summer—the rest of us nuts are happy to have you join the world of terrible television.
First Group Date- Bachelor High
What are these chicks wearing? Nearly every single one of them is showing a midriff. Amber is basically wearing daisy dukes and a sports bra. Amber, you’re 30 years old, tone it down a notch. Lace is rocking an outfit straight out of 90210, complete with flannel tied loosely around her waist. Am I THAT out of tune with fashion? Chris Harrison is the principal, obvs.BEN HIGGINS, CHRIS HARRISON
The date: teams of two, four different “classes”. At the end of each “class”, one team is eliminated. The winner is crowned the Homecoming Queen. Science experiment- Lace & Jubilee are eliminated because Lace can’t read. Next up, bobbing for apples. These girls really go for it, except for Jackie, who apparently has a mini mouth. Then Geography. You guys, they had to find the state of Indiana and place it on the map. I would 100% judge, but I think my California grown self likely would not have been able to accomplish this if you asked me this at 18. That said, I at least knew what shape the state was, unlike Becca and JoJo. They are REALLY thrown by this task and place it sideways somewhere near the eastern seaboard. Finally, a free throw contest. Ugh, this would make me so uncomfortable. I hate doing sports I’m not good at, and I will admit to you fully that I played basketball for three years and made two baskets. TWO. BASKETS.  I’m a real Larry Bird. Amber and Mandi win this one.  Of course, Chris Harrison throws a wrench in the plan and pits the two winners against one another in a foot race, and despite the fact that Mandi is barefoot and wearing bell bottoms, she won. I generally don’t like to put other gals down (you know, outside these recaps), but this chick is just not attractive. Either way, she gets to wear Ben’s letterman jacket and ride around in a mustang with him wearing a crown and sash. The other girls get “emotional’, especially Lace, who likes like a character from The Rats of Nhym. You guys, should we get her together with Jared from the last Bachelorette season??!The Bachelor
The party side of the date starts. These are so darn awkward. I would be sitting alone housing that tasty cheese plate. Becca & Ben shoot some hoops together. She was one of my faves from Chris’ season, and I still like her, but did she get some work done?  Ben holds hands with a lot of these chicks and then kisses Jennifer? Ben, it’s the first date, take it easy.
**Flash to the girls waiting at the house. Olivia is definitely taken down to like a FOUR without make-up on. She is pissed the date card goes to Caila and we see A LOT of her mouth. Shut it down girl.
Lace is upset and fees like “he isn’t paying attention to [me]”. This chick is high maintenance. I hope she realizes that after this show, no man will ever date her. For realz. She kicks it off apologizing for her behavior the night before, and Ben acknowledges that he felt attacked. Now they’re “on the same page” and she notes that they are “eye f*cking” one another and almost ready for a kiss when Jubilee interrupts. That’s not what I interpret from their body language, but whatever Lace.
Jubliee shares that she appreciates Ben’s volunteer work because she was born in Haiti and was in an orphanage before she was adopted and came to the United States. Big story Jubs. He loves that she opens up and then goes in for a kiss. Ben, I am SHOCKED! Lace turns into a total nightmare, tells off Jubilee, says to the camera that “these bitches can suck it” and then marches in to Ben saying “I’m not crazy!” Girl, if you’re prefacing it with that, it means you’re crazy.
Ben brings JoJo (unicorn head) to the helicopter pad. He is crazy attracted to her and smooches her too. For those counting at home, he’s kissed three girls on tonight’s date. JoJo gets the rose. Poor Jubilee.
First One-on-One: Ride Along
Ben picks up Caila for their one-on-one date. Surprise, surprise, I can see her midriff. Kevin Hart and Ice Cube show up to join them on their date. Ben is approximately 78 feet taller than Kevin Hart.
Girls back home are thinking they can possibly be going on a red carpet event. Instead they are buying flowers from a roadside stand, hitting up a liquor store for condoms and taking a soak at a hot tub store. Glamorous.
The single mom facetimed with her kids. My husband thinks she is super hot. REALLY? I don’t know if I trust his judgement anymore. Date card arrives. Surprise, it’s a group date! I’m not even going to bother telling you who’s on it. Sorry ya’ll, there are just too many people at this point.
Date night for Caila and Ben. It creeps me out so much that they are in empty restaurants for their dates. How unsettling would that be? Caila manages not to tell Ben that she dumped her boyfriend to be with him, which is a good move on her part. Again, look at those delicious meals on their plate, fully untouched. Also, Ben, no one is going to walk away from you. You are not unlovable Maybe you need some therapy for this. Or a sit down with Robin Williams circa Good Will Hunting. Verdict: I like Caila much more than I did in the first episode. She turned the beat around. Thank God, as I would hate to vote against a fellow Boston College Eagle. Ben gives her a rose. Oh god, you guys. The worst part of the Bachelor is when they have to go to a private concert and awkwardly dance. It’s a staple of every season. I do love Amos Lee though, and Ben, so I’d be all over it. If you haven’t seen him (Amos, not Ben) in concert, I highly recommend! This moment is ruined when Caila says, “If I could live forever in this moment I would”. Cheeseball city.
Group Date #2- LoveLab Technologies
The Twin says “Don’t put the blonde on this date”. Another one, maybe the same one, says she isn’t very smart. Ugh. Girls, get it together.  They do some scientific testing on the gals. It’s ridiculous. At one point they need to run on a treadmill and then Ben smells them. You guys, I would just smell horrible. He would be like “oh, you smell like sweat and body odor”.  He goes down the line sniffing the girls’ backs and tells them they smell “fruity” and “sweet”. Then he tells Sam that she smells ‘sour’. It is so horrifying. That would 100% be me. Watching this thing, Olivia says “I’m incredibly confident in our relationship”. Um, you only met one time…yesterday. Sam gets the lowest score (2.4) and Olivia gets the highest at (7.45). Doctor Love, ie, random actor they found on the street, verifies that they are a match!


Nightime date at Ben’s place. Ben is wearing a hooded sweatshirt with a blazer. Yuck. Is he sweating balls because the girls are in short cocktail dresses?! He cannot wait more than like 35 seconds to kiss Olivia (Kiss Count: 4). Amanda tells Ben that she has two kids. I think it’s pretty important to come out with that right up front because some people may not be interested in that. I think Ben would probably be ok with that, but at 26 there is no way I would take that on. Ben kisses her (Kiss Count: 5). Olivia gets the date rose. Girlfriend has two roses in a row. Everyone hates her. I hate her. Amanda then melts down and doesn’t think it’s worth it for her to be there. Amanda, this is why The Bachelor should not be your first dating experience after your divorce.
Cocktail Party Rose Ceremony
Olivia creeps around Ben and says you shouldn’t “rest on laurels” before she steals him for more one-on-one time. Firstly, its rest ON your laurels. Secondly, it is an unwritten rule that if you already have a rose you do NOT take any of the Bachelor’s time during the cocktail party. It is just unfair. The girls are pissed. Obviously Lace then takes Oliva aside to chat with her about it. While I don’t really like Olivia, she deals with Lace better than I would. For the third time, Lace says she doesn’t want Ben to think she’s crazy. She also has started speaking about herself in the third person. Yikes! And then she tells Ben that she is “a lot to handle” and that “there is a lot to her that she’s working on” while she is telling maybe the worst story of all time about her hair in fourth grade. Ben literally almost throws himself off the balcony to get out of that situation.
Lauren B, the flight attendant, has some one-on-one time with Ben. He made her a photo of the two of them during their first conversation together (ahem…like three days ago). I think she’s in it for the long haul. Ben is either the most darling person imaginable or has a great team handling him, because he grabs Amanda (the mom) and brings her hair barrettes that they can make for her daughters. You guys. 
The usual suspects get roses, including both twins. Then Lace got the rose. People. Come on. Ben is not an idiot, he can read crazy from a mile away. He is a nice and genuine guy, there is no way he would deal with that maniac. We’re on to you producers!! He gives a rose to LB, who pulls him aside and says this process is really hard and she’s not sure if she can do it. Apparently she peaced out.  It kind of comes out of left field?. Amber is melting down about not getting any time with Ben and how he doesn’t know her, which obviously means she will get a rose. Prediction: correct! She gets a rose.
Sent home: Sam, the attorney with a sour smell, Mandi, the ugly dentist and some other girl who I know nothing about but has ratty hair. Previews for next week look amaze as always. Lots of tears. Love it.
Who are your faves?

Bachelor Recap: It Begins!

Girls, it’s my favorite time of year. Bachelor season. If I wasn’t on a lame Fit Girls 28 Day Challenge, I would have been enjoying this with a glorious glass of wine. Instead, I washed this drama down with a hardboiled egg. My muffin top thanks you for understanding.
While I love nearly each and every season of The Bachelor (Juan Pablo was hard to stomach), this one is sure to be fabulous. My love for Ben Higgins is well documented. He is tall, dark and handsome, an all-American boy, and just so darn charming!
Background on Ben
Ben is from Warsaw, Indiana. Cue scene of him standing in a cornfield and shooting hoops against a barn, which is definitely not his home and likely not even in his town. But it sure makes the Midwest look prettier than when old Farmer Chris took those girls to middle of nowhere Iowa. Ben gives us a tour of the town and the places that formed him i.e., his elementary school, his high school and…the movie theatre. We learn that he not only played basketball but was QB of the football team. So Ben has been dreamy for decades. He goes back to be the Grand Marshal for the homecoming parade, which he seems genuinely excited about?! Heart eyes abound. Even this 7 year old knows what’s up.

Little Girl

Ben has a little sit down with Mom and Dad. We get back to the whole “unlovable” thing from last season. Apparently darling Ben has been dumped in the past and wasn’t loved as much as he loved. I still find this impossible but whatever. He wants a love like his parents have. You know what I want? A lake house like his parents have. Get me an invite Ben. His parents are pretty supportive of this whole venture. I still don’t understand why anyone lets their child be on reality tv, but what do I know. As Ben walks away from his parents, those of us that look closely (me) see an insane sweat mark on his back. I’ll forgive it, Ben. It gets hot in the Midwest in the summer.
Advice from Former Bachelors
Ben drives up to the mansion in a ridiculous mustang rocking a TERRIBLE haircut. Who shaved the sides of his head? Woof. Ben then meets with former bachelors, Chris Soules, Sean Lowe and Jason Mesnik. A) Jason has not aged well. At all. He is like a little nerdy hobbit. B) Why would you ask for advice from Chris Soules, seeing as he ended his engagement? C) Sean and his wifey were on some sort of celebrity marriage bootcamp so I likely wouldn’t take advice from them either. I also forgot how grating Chris’ giggle is. Ben is taking this very seriously and asking good questions. And then he says, “I just want to find someone who is excited about the idea of being alive”. WTF Ben! Get it together.
The Ladies Arrive
We get a preview of a few chicks before the limo scene. Here is the breakdown:
Lauren B. Flight attendant. Great skin. Killer body. Dumb friends.
Caila. Software sales rep from Boston. Shares that she broke up with her boyfriend after she saw Ben on TV. #totalcreeper
Jubilee.  Army vet.  Lives in Florida. Great body. Token black girl. I’m only saying this because the lack of diversity on The Bachelor is apparent. It’s ridiculous.
Mandy.  Dentist. Looks like an ugly Heather Graham. I think she’ll be the season weirdo.
Haley & Emily. 22 year old twins. I already HATE them. Fake hair, dumb make-up, matching clothes. THE. WORST.

Amanda. Esthetician. Mom of two girls…one of them is not even two yet. Since her divorce, she hasn’t gotten back into the dating world. Amanda, I’m not sure if this is the best way to dip your toe back in. Also, you have an annoying voice. Also, as a mom, there is no way I could leave my two young daughters to go on a show. This is selfish.
Tiara. Chicken enthusiast. One of the chickens, Sheila, does everything with her. Camera then pans to a framed wall of photos of chickens and then Ben’s photo from The Bachelorette. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE/PRODUCERS? “What comes first.-.the chicken or the Ben?” Hate you Tiara.


The Women Arrive
Tim says “I hate this part. It’s so awkward”. Obviously he doesn’t know why we all love The Bachelor.I’m still annoyed with Ben’s dumb hair. I’m also annoyed that I can’t find a photo that shows how terrible it is.
  • First out of the limo is the flight attendant. She brought him wings and told him she can’t wait to “take off” on this journey. Decent.
  • Second is the stalker from Boston, who ran and JUMPED into his arms. This girl is a hot mess.
  • Third is Jennifer, a “small business owner” who Ben calls ‘stunning’.
  • Fourth, Jami, a really giggly bartender from Canada.
  • Then comes Sam, the attorney. Her dress is over the top. Then she says “Boxers or legal briefs”. UGH.
  • Jubilee, the army veteran shows up. She throws out some cheesy pick-up lines, but actually says it as a joke. I like her.
  • Amanda, the esthetician. Her voice is THE. PITS.
  • Guys, her name is Lace. She asks him to close his eyes and then lays one on him. He seems into it. Maybe I don’t know Ben at all!Lace Kiss.jpg
  • Lauren, math teacher. She says he is at a disadvantage because she’s had the opportunity to stalk him over social media the past few months. He asks her name three times and she just keeps talking over him. Clearly already wasted.
  • Shushanna, mathematician. She marches out speaking a different language. It’s stupid.
  • Leah, event planner. Says “Ready to play ball?” And then pulls up her skirt, shoving her butt in his face and hikes a ball at him saying “I knew you were a catch”. The dress is terrible.Hike.jpg
  • A unicorn then comes out of the limo. Some idiot is wearing a unicorn on her head. JoJo is a real estate developer. What makes these girls think stuff like that is ok? unicorn.jpg
  • Lauren H, kindergarten teacher, who throws a wedding bouquet at him. Way to make the guy run for the hills Lauren.
  • Laura, Account Executive. A pretty redhead. Normal.
  • Mandi, the dentist marches up with a huge rose headband and tells him he can pollinate it later. Ben is creeped out, for obvious reasons.rose.jpg
Twins. Tim looks at my face and says “Are you going to survive this season? You better hope they get kicked off right away”. They are so giggly and annoying. They are excited to date the same guy, proving they are complete idiots.   More twins
Lace is already proving that she’s a total bitch by making snide remarks and eye roles. Also drunk.Lace Wine.png
Maegan, cowboy, walks in with Huey her mini horse. She’s from Texas, unsurprisingly. You guys, I would FREAK OUT if a mini horse walked into a party. My head would explode from sheer excitement. Ben has nothing on Huey the mini horse.Huey
Breanne, a nutritional therapist from Seattle, doesn’t eat any gluten so brought him a basket of bread to break. “Gluten is the devil”. Girl, you are the devil. Gluten is the best.Gluten
Izzy, graphic designer, showed up in pajamas and said “I had to find out if you’re the onesie for me”. Bye Felicia!  onesie
Rachel, unemployed, shows up on a hover board. Her dress has a train. Bad move.
Lace cuts in saying she is way prettier than everyone. And then calls everyone fake. Um, what?

Lace Face

Jessica, accountant, also from Florida. EVERYONE is from Florida. Any Midwestern gals in this group?
Tiara, the chicken enthusiast arrives. Lots of sequins on that girl’s dress. No Sheila perched on her shoulder so that’s good.
LB, fashion buyer, marches up in a bandage dress from 5 years ago.
Jackie, a gerontologist. She brings him a save the date for their wedding. Yikes. #tohigginsandtohold
Olivia, a stunning news anchor steps out. She looks like Cameron Diaz in The Mask. She’s 23. These girls are SO young! No one is ready to get married at 22 people. She’s going to be in it for a long time. I’m calling it now. olivia
After meeting the gals, Ben calls his parents. That’s cute…and contrived.
The Cocktail Party
Ben is welcoming all the ladies when ugly Heather Graham interrupts him and steals him from the room. She then gives him an oral exam. Tim thinks she is on drugs. He may be right. Producers will probably keep her on for the crazy.
That creeper from Boston says that “what is so romantic that they have in common is that they are both in software sales”. Whaa-whaa.
Some girl plays Pictionary with him, which is fun. I like games.
And then for the bait and switch…..out come former Bachelorettes Becca and Amber. I don’t really remember Amber at all, honestly. Was she the bartender from Chicago? Becca
These two walk in and everyone is pissed, especially Lace, that crazy son of a bitch. She’s got a lot of teeth. She steals him and then asks him for “a better kiss”. He deflects and says he wants to spend the time getting to know everyone first before he allows the physicality. Either he’s a nice guy or he doesn’t want to kiss the drunk crazy gal. Apparently it’s the former because Ben grabs her later and pulls her away from the crowd and reaffirmed what he said because he didn’t want her to feel rejected. He’s a nice boy, that Ben.
Some other lady pulls him aside and said she needs two things when she dates 1) have the same morals and values and 2) there must be a physical attraction. Don’t these peeps have a normal conversations?
News anchor gets the first impression rose. She’s got a lot of teeth too. olivia teeth
Guys, there are so many jewels on the dresses! They are like pageant dresses. Is this the style this year?
Does Ben have an earpiece where someone feeds him names? A big part of my job is meeting people and memorizing names, but 28 is A LOT of names. At this point, Tim even notices how bad Ben’s hair is.
Lauren B, the flight attendant gets the first rose. So does bandage dress, the creeper from Boston, Amber, a few randoms, Jubilee, the single mom with the voice, the lady that played Pictionary, Sam the attorney, both of the twins (STUPID), Shoshanna the Russian—does this chick even speak English? Did they have a conversation? Becca gets a rose. At this point, Lace is melting down and says “Let’s be honest, who wants an effing virgin”. Ugh, Ben picks Mandy, the ugly Heather Graham dentist who wore the rose on her head. And then he picks Lace. That was a producer choice, FO’ SHO’. I’m disappointed he didn’t pick that little redhead. She was darling! Four chicks go home, including the Nutritional Therapist. Sorry chick, the dude likes bread.
After they all toast, Lace pulls Ben aside again saying “You didn’t even look at me once during the whole thing.” She’s a hot mess and tells him she hopes it is the right thing for her. She’s drunk and combative. Poor Ben. The drama starts now. I can’t wait.