I realize that I haven’t blogged in a few weeks. I’d like to say it is because my social calendar has been full, but honestly I have been in over my head. I recently received a promotion at work and it has been go, go, go, with a fair amount of evening and weekend work.
Last week I could just NOT get it together. I missed bedtime twice because I was working late. Emma was the last baby to be picked up from daycare three times. We had ZERO food in the house. Tim and I survived on PB&J and Emma alternated between scrambled eggs and and pasta. The house was filthy, there was a thick layer of dog hair on every single surface and the laundry was in piles. I did get E to daycare in a Halloween costume on Friday, but it was left locked in her daycare room for the weekend. And then, at her first music class on Saturday, she was the ONLY kid not dressed for Halloween. Apparently this mama didn’t get the memo. All week I felt exhausted, sad and guilty. There may have even been some spontaneous tears.
I’ve been back at work for nearly a year now and I still haven’t figured out the right balance. I like my job, love my co-workers and enjoy the feeling of accomplishment I get when I’m at the office, but I miss my baby constantly. I know the window of her youth is small and she’ll be off to school and spending time with friends in no time, with much less interest in hanging with her mama. So should I really be spending these special days at work instead of with her? Last Sunday I took her to the library for the first time and the librarian said we should join for storytime. Well, sure! I’d love to! Unfortunately, storytime is on Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 9:30am. No weekend sessions for us working moms.This seems to be the norm across the city, from Mommy & Me yoga at our local studio to art classes and I feel like I am MISSING OUT.
I know she loves her daycare, but I can’t put these feelings of sadness and guilt to rest. Other working mamas, I know you feel the same way at times. And stay at home moms, while I am sick to my stomach with jealousy, I know that lifestyle as it’s own struggles. I’m trying to find balance (this week is slow at work so I’m getting in more hang time with my sweet babe), but still doubt that I’m doing the right thing every day.
Moms, any thoughts, suggestions or guidance to help me through this? In the meantime, I’m going to go snuggle in this sweet face and soak up every second we have together.