Bachelorette Recap: The Finale 

Last night I put the babe to bed, poured myself a big old glass of rosé, cued up the DVR…and then realized I left my laptop at the office. This post is brought to you by awkward iPad typing and incredible commitment to The Bachelorette. 

CH welcomes us per usual by informing us that this final is “dare [I] say shocking.” Always so shocking Chris Harrison. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it won’t be shocking at all.

As this season has thrown all rules out the window, everyone is in Malibu to meet Kaitlyn’s FAAHmily!!! There are five people there. I’m so confused. Is that her sister? Why are there 2 dads and 2 moms? Give me some backstory here. Her mom #1 (?) has INSANE lashes. She is very gussied up for this episode.   

You guys, she told her mom about sleeping with Nick like 45 seconds into the visit. WTF? Talking about an “intimate” relationship with my parents is the last thing I’d want to do. Nick is the first to meet the FAAHmily. Dear Nick, here’s a tip. When you are meeting the girl you want to marry’s FAAHmily, do not wear a deep v shirt and converse high tops with the tongues sticking out. Especially since you two did it on national television and they know about it.   

Finally we get an intro to the FAAHmily. Mom, dad, stepdad, stepmom and sister. Oh Nick is rocking the arm party again. Sis is easily won over and very squealy. Mom is not so sure based on Nick’s season with Andi and calls him possessive, jealous and arrogant. He responds by saying he is not surprised he’s here. That is probably not going to help with her perception of you being arrogant. He then says he wants to ask Kaitlyn to marry him and then he starts sobbing. Ugh. Grow a pair Nick. Mom ate it up. Maybe had something to do with the glass of chard. #runsinthefamily Dad is rocking that ‘stache and lavender button down. In one minute Dad gives the blessing. He’s an easy one. #runsinthefamily ZING!! 

Flash to the audience. Nick’s family is there including his lookalike serial killer younger sister. Super appropriate that she’s listening to how her brother boned Kaitlyn after two dates.   

Back to the FAAHmily. They’re excited to meet Shawn. Oh Haley. She needs a new colorist. 

 Stepdad is now rocking the bright colored shirt. Very Cam from Modern Family. Shawn arrives wearying a nice button down, which is definitely appropriate for meeting the parents. He’s carrying flowers and a jar of spaghetti sauce? But he also brings gifts to Haley’s kids. Charming. She says “you’re in!” Dad Mike seems like a nice guy. Shawn gives a lovely toast. He is a winner in my book. 

Omg you guys, Mom wants to talk to Shawn about K sleeping with Nick?! This family needs some boundaries. Shawn manages that incredibly awkward conversation with grace and aplomb. Haley says she is Team Shawn. Shawn pulls mom and dad together to ask for their blessing to propose. They both agree. I always think that is so weird. Like wouldn’t you have a preference? You’re totally okay  with EITHER guy marrying your daughter?

K and Nick have a nice date sailing. Nick’s hair is hideous. But, I must admit, these two actually seem to have a good connection and a normal relationship. Ugh. He got her a gift. It’s a photo of them from their first one on one date and then this stupid “poem” on the other side: 

There is magic in your eyes and when I look at you I see my future

There is electricity in your lips and when I kiss you I feel your energy

There is love in your heart and when I touch you I feel a love worth never letting go. 

I had to pause like 15 times to get that drivel. You’re welcome We all know I hate this stuff. K seems to like it based on the excessive loud kissing. Of note: K’s ring game has been strong this season.

Final date with Shawn at a winery. Chard for everyone!! I think he might be wearing boots with his shorts. Oh God, Shawn just said EXspecially. That’s a deal breaker ladies! 

  

He makes a toast and she responds by asking if he’s wearing sunscreen. She’s being weird. These two are not connecting. I think it’s a set up by producers. You guys, wouldn’t it be weird if you knew you were going to get engaged tomorrow but you didn’t know to who? That’s not how it works. I totally tuned out for this date to scroll through instagram and check my emails. Boring. But I do like Shawn, especially when he calls her out for making out with Joe. Shawn also has a gift for her. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it was the same poem?! Instead it is a memory jar of all the dates they have had the past two months.  That is a gift I can get behind. #TeamShawn

 
Engagement Day! K gets out of bed with perfect hair and make-up. So does Shawn. Neil Lane arrives with rings. That dude has had a lot of work done. His rings are so flashy and complicated. Not my style. Do you think each guy gets the same rings to choose from? K in the limo. She got fake tips for the occasion. Surprise, surprise, she is wearing sparkles and mesh.   

Nick arrives first. They talk in whispers. He seems really nervous and she looks like she is going to puke/cry. He says “I’m in love with you. I’m yours forever if you’ll have me” and goes to pull the ring out of his pocket and she stops him. I actually feel kinda sick watching this. Her whole body is shaking.

 
 I actually feel bad for Nick. She brings up being “intimate” again. Geesh! Give it up lady. Oh guys, I get so awkward watching this stuff. Nick doesn’t want to hear what she has to say. And honestly, he has a point. If she did feel the same way he did, they’d be engaged. It would be the pits to dump someone like 20 minutes before you got engaged to someone else.

 I hate how there is complete “stunned” silence in the studio. It’s not that dramatic guys, we knew one of the two was getting dumped. Nick’s mom looks pissed.

Here comes Shawn. Obvi the driveway is soaking wet. The Bachelorette is weird because the guy still has to do the talking and proposing, even though she is the main person. Does this translate? Did Shawn memorize this speech? Does he have J Lo in his ear? (If you did not catch The Wedding Planner reference we are no longer friends). No way he came up with that off the cuff. K keeps him in suspense for a bit but then tells him she loves him. HOORAY!! He proposes.

 The ring is HUGE!!! They are slightly awkward but seem very happy. I give it six months.  

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