I’m going to start this with a disclaimer. I hate Women/Men Tell All. They just recap what has happened so far on the season and everyone gets angry and yells over one another. That stuff is not appealing to me, hence why I do Bachelor(ette) recaps and not Real Housewives recaps. Chris comes out to make some sort of intro and then he introduces the guys. To note, Joshua’s hair has grown back nicely, Cupcake is wearing that ridic blazer again, Jared still looks like a rat and Ben H. is as hot as ever (and got the biggest applause). WHOA–Joe is wearing white pants rolled up with black loafers and no socks.
Plug for Bachelor in Paradise. Ashley S is looking as crazy as ever. Ashley I’s lashes are about to reach out through the screen and attack me and from the season preview all she does is Kim Kardashian ugly cry. But YES…Jillian’s black box butt is back!! Unless there is a request from the readers, I will not be recapping Bachelor in Paradise. Comment below my friends if this is something you’d like to see and I will dedicate TWO nights a week to your enjoyment.
Scenes from the season. Villians gotta vill. Gone vill! The clips of JJ and Clint were my absolute fave. When they were just touching noses talking, I almost fell over.
Also, they showed a clip where Ian used the phrase “sour apples”. Ian, you talk about how smart you are, but I’m pretty sure that is not a phrase. It’s either “sour grapes” or “rotten apples”, not “sour apples”. And he called people “lames”. That’s a Princeton education for you right there. Tanner rips him a new one and says that the way he went out “was disrespectful to us and disrespectful to Kaitlyn”. That Tanner is a nice young man. Corey tries to defend Ian. I do not even remember who he is, but he looks likes a creepy NYC investment banker, American Psycho style. Ben H. rushes to K’s defense because he is a darling angel sent from heaven. Ian then GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT, REMOVES HIS BLAZER, WALKS IN FRONT OF THE GROUP AND GETS DOWN ON HIS KNEES. Someone asks, “Are you proposing right now?” My husband wonders if this guy ever wants a job again. This is maybe one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen and the most narcissistic apology of all time. Ian, no woman in America will ever date you.
Clint kicks things off by saying “I’m a straight man and I went on the Bachelorette to meet Kaitlyn”. But let me remind you:
Everyone calls him arrogant and standoffish. JJ obvi comes to his defense and uses a lot of air quotes. Chris Harrison calls him out on it. I love me some Chris Harrison. JJ shares that he was “intellectually curious” about Clint and vice versa. It’s a little odd. While still explaining it, Kupah gets really angry and aggressive (lets all recall that he was the guy who was kicked off for being angry and aggressive) about Nick being brought on. A lot of the guys came to her defense, including Cupcake and JJ. Ladies, I am kind of liking JJ in this Men Tell All? Am I taking crazy pills?
JJ is first in the hot seat. His relationship with Clint is addressed, of course and he manages itself quite nicely. Corey is talking again. Corey, who ARE you? You are talking non-stop on this episode and you left like halfway through the season!
Chris teases us all by saying, “We can all announce something about you…” and all of us get a little scared about him being the next Bachelor, but all they do is announce he is on Bachelor in Paradise. Well, duh, you already showed the preview with him on it. Idiots at abc.
Ben Z is next and he is a real fan favorite. A little to beefy for my taste, but he seems like a gentle giant. His main story line was his mom passing away. That’s sad, but I feel like that’s all I know about him. Also, not crying for 11 years is just not healthy. He should take a dose of post-pregnancy hormones and mom guilt. He’ll be crying on the reg.
Jared. Ugh. So cheesy. His Loveman alter-ego and his dumb rhymes. I hate that stuff. In college a boyfriend surprised me with a picnic by the water (complete with rose petals) followed by a carriage ride through the city and the whole time I was counting down the minutes until I could meet my friends at the bar. #worstgirlfriendever
Dude, Chris Harrison is KILLING IT tonight. He just told Jared he is really happy he got rid of “the spotty beard”. Chris, thank you for saying what we all were thinking.
Chris: “Ladies across American fell in love with the boyish charm of Ben H.” Yes. Me. Sold. The dimples. Chris: “It’s like walking by a construction site… in reverse” and then follows it up by saying that he doesn’t get it because ‘up close he’s not that good looking’. Don’t lie to me Chris. Ben says the hardest part is the lack of closure. He shares more about the night that Kaitlyn snuck into his and Ben’s hotel room to hang for a few hours. Poor Ben. Remember when K asked him if he was a virgin?
Kaitlyn comes out wearing an ice skating outfit. She has certainly been consistent in her wardrobe: sexy, sparkly and cut outs. She shares that she got death threats because of her season. DEATH THREATS. People of the world, lets be reminded that this is The Bachelorette. ABC then decides to share really horrifying tweets and e-mails that Kaitlyn received. Yikes. I maybe teared up a little bit seeing her reaction to these (see earlier comment regarding hormones and mom guilt). Yes, K loves to sex it up but…do you think Juan Pablo received the same threats? Definitely not. EEEES (not) OKAY.
Ben asks K why she told Shawn about sleeping with Nick, but not him or anyone else. Good question Ben! Basically she told Shawn because she liked him most. The end. Jonathan puts her on the hot seat and she responds by saying, “Didn’t you pick Britt?” ZING!!!!
Now it’s time for K to chat with the boys. That guy that was a hot mess the first episode redeemed himself slightly. She then says, “Clint, why didn’t you treat me the way you treated JJ?” JJ and Clint not amused. Ian gets on his knees again all the while saying he is humble. Sit down Ian.
We are then treated to a little blooper reel. It kicks off with Joe peeing in the woods shortly after he tells K that he wanted to kiss her for the next 60 years. Lots of clips of K being weird around birds. Amy Schumer calls JJ Colonel Sanders. I would have preferred to watch about 30 minutes of that as opposed to half of what I watched.
Overall thoughts. BORING. I wanted to hear from Joe. Tony didn’t say ONE WORD which was highly disappointing. Most importantly, why did they not announce that Ben H. is the next Bachelor? We all know it Chris Harrison. Don’t leave us hanging! Until next week my friends, I leave you with this