Another Monday Bachelorette night, another tornado watch in the midwest. I’m not kidding. I can’t handle it. Anyone looking for roommates? Family of three, plus maniac dog who sheds like dickens. I will cook if you will clean.
Shawn and Nick. This is annoying so I don’t listen. Shawn basically repeats that he doesn’t think Nick is here for the right reasons. Blah, blah, blah. Nick calls him out on the eskimo brothers thing and Shawn gets flustered. Yeesh.
Overnight with Ben. These two kick it off horseback riding, meet a passel of donkeys and picnic in front of a castle. This is like my dream date. I’m not kidding. I squealed and clapped when they saw the donkeys. I love donkeys.
Ben wears an adorable navy Irish sweater that I will be sourcing for my husband immediately. He is so NORMAL. But, as they are picnicking and he is sharing with K that she wants to make memories with her, it is clear she is NOT. INTO. IT. She wants to be. But she’s not. They are spending the night in the castle. He shows up wearing another adorable Irish sweater. K greets him from the top of the castle and he tells her to let down her hair. Adorbs. Darling toast as they have drinks. She says, “I think it will be a happy life with you.” Duh. Ben shares that he just turned 26 in the past few weeks. Yipes. He is young but… You guys, I would be TOTALLY fine dating this 26 year old. I wouldn’t even care that I have wrinkles and gray hair and saggy boobs because I think he would just make me feel so loved and beautiful. Is that creepy?
She gives him the fantasy suite key because she would be a total idiot not to. Look at that adorable smile! He acknowledges that he’s uncomfortable that other guys are involved, but he is confident in her and them. I totally melted. So did K. He called it the best sleepover ever. I can’t. I just cannot. Also, let’s note that there are FULL PLATES of food sitting on the table as they walk upstairs. She said she thinks she’ll wake up in the morning thinking he’s the one. Because of course she has to sleep with him before she figures this out.
My husband just interjected that he thinks Ben is boring and not funny. I’m strongly defending him, but then I see Ben leaving the castle wearing sweatpant capris? Yikes. K says that they slept for 30 minutes. I think we know what that means.
Shawn and K’s overnight date. They are going golfing. K buys him a ludicrous outfit that he actually pulls off. Omg, you guys, I was reading another blog and she said that Shawn looks like Alf.
I’m not sure how someone can both look like Alf and Ryan Gosling but it is DEAD. ON. Anyway, we learn that Shawn is a terrible golfer. She says, “It was nice to just have fun with him.” It’s been like 6 weeks girl, it should all be fun at this point. These two knuckleheads play Truth or Dare and she dares him to streak “nakie”. He removes his pants and he’s basically wearing leggings?
But…his bod is legit. K, that prankster, steals his clothes and runs across the golf course and that poor man has to chase her.
Serious conversation time. She asks Shawn about her hatred for Nick. I kind of spaced out as I’m so over this story line. STOP TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER GUY AND FOCUS ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Ben is the only guy that has it right. K gets Shawn all fired up, and then hands him the Fantasy Suite card. I mean that doesn’t really make sense but whatever. It’s the next morning, Shawn leaves with a terse “See you soon” as K stands at the door. No casual breakfast, no morning kisses at the window like with the other two. Shawn is greeted upon his return by Nick. Ugh. What is going to happen here? Shawn is very upset that Nick was sharing the eskimo brothers story. They yell over one another for a few minutes and then he tells Shawn to leave. Whatever.
Interview with Chris Harrison. Kaitlyn thinks Nick “has it all”, but then mentions she has concerns when thinking about a marriage. K does acknowledge that these two idiots are acting like they are in high school and wasting precious time. She has lovely things to say about Ben and says “I think Ben would make a great husband”. Not said, but implied… “For someone else”. He is the ‘good on paper’ guy. We’ve all had one. We try to make it work but the spark just isn’t there. I fear it ain’t looking good for Ben.
Rose ceremony: K comes in rocking an orange gown that requires a lot of boob tape. I cannot even imagine what that would look like on my post-baby nursing knockers. I can’t even wear a button down these days. Tim comment: “I don’t like dresses like that. I think it reveals too much.” Well thank God Tim because I could never in my life wear that thing.
K leaves the ceremony to gather herself and is consoled by Chris Harrison who really has the easiest job in the whole word. First rose goes to Nick. Second rose goes to Shawn. I think you all knows what this means my sweet readers…Ben H is hitting the road (and clearly will be the next Bachelor because obviously). Do you think she slept with him? I hope not. Poor Ben H. He is a class act as he hops in his minivan and tells her he will miss her. He isn’t bitter about the experience as it taught him to open up and have feelings for someone again. I wish it was me Ben H. I wish it was me.
Shawn is thrilled about the rose but is then basically:
Nick and Shawn stand in silence and gulp champagne. It’s so so so weird, especially as there are bizarre lanterns set up on the floor.
It’s time for K to meet with FAHHmilies. In a strange twist, all the FAHHmilies are meeting in Deer Park, Utah? She’s not going to their homes. Nick talks to K about how confident he feels and tells her how in love with her he is. She eats it right up. Tim and I are very concerned about what they are drinking. Tea? Toddies? Do we HAVE to listen to them kissing on full volume? Couldn’t they mute it a bit? My friend Erica calls these “num num noises”. Also heard when eating fettuccine alfredo.
Kaitlyn is going to meet Nick’s FAHHmily first. They look like a ton of fun (sarcasm font). There are like 700 kids in the FAHHmily. His mom is crying thinking of him going through “another heartbreak”. Then his 10 year sister also starts crying? WTF is wrong with this FAHHmily?
One of the brothers looks like The Proclaimers.
K has her usual sidekick (chardonnay) by her side when she speaks with his sister. I scrolled through instagram during this because I don’t really care. His little sister Bella looks like a tiny Nick with long hair. It is creepy. Her first question was: Do you like Vancouver? and she followed that up with “Do you love Nick?” #scripted
Nick’s mom is wearing a lot of competing jewelry.
Also how many kids does she have? 10? 12? And let’s be serious, was he really crushed when Andi broke up with him? He talks to his mom about the relationship and it’s probably more than my husband has ever spoken to his mom about me throughout our five year marriage. I tuned in until he said, “She’s great at making out”. EEEEEK! Why would you say that to your mom? Hey mom, by make out I mean sex. Then he starts crying. But…we get a FABULOUS view of his wooden bead arm party.
These two lovebirds go back to the hotel to make out. He says “I love you”. She replies with “Promise?” and then shares via interview that this is a guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Seems solid right? Scene ends Nick saying “We should make babies someday.” Gross.
Shaw’s FAHHmily. Before they meet, Shawn gives her a little more scoop on his FAHHmily and thinks that his big sisters will be tough. K shares that “sisters are her jam” as she has six step sisters and one full sister. WHO HAS ALL THESE KIDS? Shawn’s mom isn’t able to make it, which is fishy. He must have gotten that schnoz from her because good ol’ Dad (Steve) has a normal size honker. K seems to have a good rapport with his older sisters and they gave him the stamp of approval. Now Steve on the other hand kicks it off with “What the hell is going on? This is nuts!”
But he comes around.
Post meeting with the FAAHMILY, Shawn shares that he is in love with her and he has been for a while. She answers with a big smooch. I cannot even imagine meetings families and kissing two guys back to back. Blech. He is disappointed that she didn’t respond likewise but does believe she is in love with him. K is crying. Red eyes and duck lips. She “cannot imagine saying goodbye” to one of these two dudes. We’ve heard that before K. It’s part of the deal. What I got out of this whole second hour is that I want to go to Utah.
Next week: Men Tell ALL! I cannot wait to see the sparks fly between Clint & JJ! #lovewins