Bachelorette Recap: Just Pick Ben H Already

Maybe it’s because I had to watch this episode On Demand so couldn’t fastforward through commercials but I found the whole thing a little boring? We’re still in Ireland this week. If I was a contestant I’d be waiting for my tropical vacation and beach frolicking, but it is lovely to admire this gorgeous scenery from my couch. Kaitlyn starts us off by admitting things went too far in Dublin with Nick, but then shares that she is excited for the overnight dates. Girl likes to get it on.
Ben H has taken to wearing old man shawl cardigans and I’m digging it.

Ben

He’s chosen for the one-on-one date where they row out to a tiny picturesque island. Said island is covered in ruins, so Ben asks K if she wants to play hide and seek, because he is the most darling person alive. They have a serious chat about what is “husband and wife material” while K grasps another huge pour of white wine. In the interview he shares that he fears opening up for fear of being rejected. Um…no.
The second part of their date is in a charming little pub. Kaitlyn wears an inappropriate outfit of a leather skirt and a lace cut out shirt with her bra popping through. They drink Irish coffee and he purposefully gives himself a foamy mustache because he’s adorable.
Ben, via interview, shares that his biggest fear is that he’s unlovable because his last girlfriend dumped him. I hope she is kicking herself in the buns right now. Ben, you are not unlovable. You, in fact, might be one of the most lovable people I’ve ever seen. Kaitlyn agrees with me and then shares that she is falling in love with him. Seems like she is falling in love with a few people? I’m not sure that’s how it works but whatever. Also, remember how on all the old Bachelor/Bachelorettes the bachelor(ette) could never respond and all the contestants would put themselves out there and they would be left awkwardly hanging? I miss that.

K asks how he feels about moving directly into fantasy suites. Ben responds that the stigma behind overnights is you have to be physical. For Ben, that’s not the purpose and he respects her and the relationship enough to not focus on the physical. Of course he does. Ben would probably just want to kiss and hold hands all night. I’m in love. Kaitlyn responds by asking if he’s a virgin. He turns red and… end scene.
Cue boys in the room. Date card for Joe, Shawn and Nick “Lets let our love run amuck”. These idiots spend like 15 minutes trying to figure out what that means. Does it mean mud? Does it mean chaos?
Back to Ben and K. Ben is not a virgin but says he is “glad [he] comes off innocent and pure of heart…because I am”. I mean, this guy is killing me. If he is the next Bachelor, there is a 99% chance I will divorce my husband, lose 50 pounds and try out for the show.

Ben laughing

Group date at Killarney National Park. They sit down and Shawn promptly steals K. She kicks it off by saying how much she has missed him, but then via interview informs us that she needs to share with him that things went too far with Nick. Just as she is about to throw it on him, Nick jumps in and steals him. Poor sap leaves thinking that things are great and they are “back to being Kaitlyn and Shawn”.
Kaitlyn is awkward with Nick, and tells him she thinks it all went too fast. Nick feels good about it and thinks its ok because “he liked her before he showed up”. Following someone on twitter and seeing them on TV does not equal a relationship (except for me and Ben H., that’s true love). Poor Joe is really the black sheep of this date. She’s slept with one guy, told the other one she’s falling in love with him and he hasn’t had much attention. She keeps questioning if he’s ready to be engaged. He responds by kissing her (kinda grossly honesty), and she 100% tries to duck out of that kiss. It’s so awful to watch.
This is followed by him telling her he wants to kiss her for the next 60 years while she avoids eye contact. Oof. Not looking good for you Joe. She tells him they are not on the same page, but follows that up by saying she can’t imagine saying goodbye to him? Joe shuts down, refuses to make eye contact and looks like a Geico caveman. He went from professing his love to looking like he was going to murder her.

Breaking up with people every day would be the worst. Kaitlyn is actually pretty good at it. Also, girlfriend’s lashes are looking good!
Shawn and Nick have extended time together while K breaks it off with Joe. Shawn refers to Nick as “the other guy” for the rest of the episode. He hates him so much he can’t even say his name. It’s over the top and hilarious. K throws out all the rules by telling these two doesn’t feel good about giving out the rose. She informs Nick she’ll see him at the rose ceremony and request more time with Shawn that night. The “other guy” is not amused. K brings Shawn to the same pub she took my darling boy Ben H to. (Is it even real or is it a set?) K is acting like a total weirdo and Shawn picks up on it. She wants to make sure she is honest with him before he takes the next step, which I do think is the right move. But maybe she should have thought about it before she jumped in the sack with his sworn enemy “the other guy” last week. Poor Shawn has no idea what is coming. Oh God, this is awful to watch. She tells Shawn she had sex with Nick and he is just silent. I’m choosing this moment to recognize that his eyes are mighty close together. There is like five minutes of silence before Shawn asks if she regrets it. She doesn’t admit to that, but says she felt guilt. Ryan Gosling 2.0 wants to know why she is telling him. Shawn decides to take a minute to “regroup and go to the bathroom”. K hangs with her giant glass of chard. Seems like that bathroom time was good for him, because Shawn responds pretty eloquently and less angrily than I would have expected. He thanked her for her honesty, acknowledged that he is upset, but states that at the end of the day he is here for her and he’s going to man up and fight through. Guys, he thinks she is worth it. He is one smitten kitten. But what is going to happen when he sees Nick again? Yikes.
Boys are leading in to the rose ceremony…You guys, why doesn’t Jared shave his face?! He looks like such a dirt bag. He also is breaking out like a teenage boy. The Irish water is not treating him well.

Nick is wearing a three piece suit. Shawn has apparently spent the night thinking things out. He said he has questions that need to be answered before he accepts a rose. He’s not sure if he’s going to accept it and might possibly walk away from love. Our main man Chris walks in and says they are going directly to rose ceremony, without a cocktail party. Boys are disappointed: Ratface hasn’t seen her in four days so is not feeling very confident and Shawn wanted some questions answered. The boys arrive at the rose ceremony in horse drawn carriage. All four of them just chilling in the back like it’s totally normal. K shows up wearing a disco ball.

disco

She offers the first rose to Shawn, but before he accepts it he asks her to talk. It appears the issue is not that she slept with someone, but that she slept with Nick in particular. His hatred runs deep. She responds that she is here to explore the relationships in front of her and that she should not have told him he’s the one halfway through the show. So, let’s recap: she told one guy he is the one after a few weeks, and then two weeks later she sleeps with another dude. She then asks Shawn to trust her? But my friends, he does, and he accepts the rose. My sweet love Ben H. gets a rose, duh. So does Nick. The Rat of Nihm is sent home. Probably because she could not imagine waking up to those whiskers every morning. He was really nice about it, and even offered her his coat. She sobbed like a baby when she said goodbye which I think was slightly unnecessary and then says her biggest fear is ending up alone. Ugh. Everyone person on this show is the same.
First overnight is with “the other guy”. Her goal for the day is figuring out if their relationship is beyond it being “passionate and physical”. They go to a chapel and then Nick shares that one of his confessions was for touching “privates” in 8th grade. Eighth grade?! I’m definitely a prude but these are some advanced learners. Also, do we use the term privates anymore? K replaces her usual chard with whiskey.

whiskey

As much as I think Nick is kind of a serial killer, they do seem to have a great connection and a more natural relationship, despite the fact that producers staffed some locals to go up and talk to them. They head on out to finish their date at a jail? Nick grosses everyone out by saying he wants to “connect with Kailtyn on every level I can connect with her”.  Dude, we get it. Nick then proceeds to chat about his relationship with the other guys in the house stating there is one who he “doesn’t have any respect for” and then talks about Shawn being “eskimo brothers” with a country singer. I had to google that. Don’t do it.

eeew

Basically Nick takes his opportunity to throw Shawn under the bus. Kaitlyn takes this all with a grain of salt and notes that it is fueled by jealousy and doesn’t really matter.  Sidenote: there are also platters of food during these ‘dates’ that go uneaten. I would be nervous-eating the hell out of those plates, which is probably why I’m not The Bachelorette, but I certainly hope the crew go after it when the filming is done.
K gives Nick the key to the fantasy suite and says, “What do you think?” You two already slept together, this is not a big deal. I’m bored. She plays a prank on Nick that they will sleep in the jail for their overnight. What a kidder. They “get to it”, but thankfully we don’t have to hear the heavy breathing this time. We do see this though: bedWe skip to the next morning where they are casually eating room service breakfast, and for once in my life I like Nick. He complains that the bacon in Ireland is not bacon, it’s ham. And that the only reason K likes it is because she’s Canadian.
No balcony talking for K this time. She’s all about it. Nick returns to his room/hut and Shawn pops on over for a visit to basically be mean. He calls Nick manipulative, arrogant and cocky (same thing as arrogant Shawn), and that he has other reasons to be here. I’m not sure what Shawn’s purpose is in this, but of course its “to be continued…” This is apparently the new format. Kaitlyn, just choose Ben and be over it.
As the credits roll, we get an update on these two. I could not care any less about Brady and Britt. It is so staged and I cannot get over his hideous deep v neck t-shirts. Also, Britt, you’re a waitress. I’m pretty sure if this is worth it, you can just pick up and move to Nashville. They have restaurants there.

FYI, I now follow Ben H. on instagram. In one photo, he thanks his Dad for helping him re-roof his house and put in a sidewalk. Good looking, handy, and a homeowner at 26? Dream guy! #totalcreeper #cougar
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One thought on “Bachelorette Recap: Just Pick Ben H Already

  1. God I love these hilarious recaps. This girl is too much of a dumb-dumb to pick wonderful Ben H. I really really hope he’s the next bachelor: totally concur Nick is a serial killer and Shawn is jealous and boring.

    Like

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