Bachelorette Recap: Scandalous Edition

I missed the first six minutes of the show because I obviously cannot get my shit together. Anyway, Ian is a d-bag to Kaitlyn and leaves and darling Nick, in a stupid bow tie, comes in to be a shoulder to cry on. Nick is rocking like eight wooden beaded bracelets. Unfortunately this arm party is hidden by Kaitlyn’s big noggin.
I had forgotten how terrible Joshua’s hair was. Bless his heart. Shawn says open up twice in two seconds. Ben H. is so good looking Flash to Nick and K close talking and then he bites her finger. Gross. All the boys are upset with his extended time with her, and Shawn walks in on make out sesh. Listening to people french kiss is maybe one of the grossest things that has entered my ears.
Commercial break ends with Kaitlyn saying, “To me intimacy is an important part of a relationship and I’m not afraid to say that.” That is some quality foreshadowing for the slutty episode, abc. Nice work. K tells the boys what Ian said and notes that he left. Rat face is very upset he cannot comfort her. I know I rag on him, but he looks so trashy.
Rose ceremony is at the Alamo! Chris Harrison corners Kaitlyn in a tunnel and asks hard hitting questions like, “Where’s your head?” and “After tonight, we’re about halfway through this thing…”. How do I get his job? We also learn he is from Texas. That surprises me. He seems like a Connecticut man. Kaitlyn kicks off rose ceremony by thanking the boys for a great week and says they have “shared things with [her] that she holds close to [her] heart”. No one talks like that.
JJ gets a rose. Producer cut obviously. Tanner (?), Encino Man, and Joshua are the three vying for the final rose.  Joshua doesn’t stand a chance right? Right. Kaitlyn makes duck lips for an extended period of time while intense chase music plays and then gives the remaining rose to Tanner. Dear Joshua, if you had kept your mouth shut and focused on yourself, you would have been just fine. More tips from this Bachelorette coach coming right up. TORNADO WARNING!!! You guys, it is no joke. This is the second Monday in a row where we have had tornadoes during the Bachelorette.  Chris announces they are going to Dublin, Ireland. Josh is so sad as he hears the cheers on his walk out the door. All the boys cheers to Ireland in the worst Irish/leprechaun accents I’ve ever heard. Tim (my husband) walks in and says, “Isn’t this the episode when she sleeps with someone? Why is it already the rose ceremony?” Tim, all rules are thrown at the window this year! We START with rose ceremonies and every episode is to be continued…
I am super excited for this Dublin portion. I studied abroad at University College Dublin, and absolutely love the city. It has amazing architecture, a great bar scene, fantastic live music and the friendliest people you’ve ever met. Cupcake says, “Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow”. The world collectively groans. The boys settle into their hotel, Kaitlyn walks in and picks Nick for the first one-on-one date. Shawn is very upset and JJ says that Shawn “needs a good cry”.
Kaitlyn and Nick walk through St. Stephen’s Green. Kaitlyn is afraid of the birds. Again, let’s all remember that she has a bird tattooed on each arm. Do her eyebrows look different this episode? Darker eyebrow pencil? Too thin? Also, it appears Nick is wearing a pleather Member’s Only jacket. They happen upon Irish dancers, which Nick calls “Irish Riverdancing”. That was the name of the production Nick, not the type of dance. They join in. I cannot find a screen shot of a woman watching with pure and utter disgust on her face. I can find a screen shot of Nick & Kaitlyn making out against a wall in an alley. In front of a store window. At the bar.
Nick says a bunch of stuff to Kaitlyn while drinking whiskey and I totally zone out. I’m sorry, I didn’t even care enough to rewind it. Kaitlyn zoned out too, but with duck lips. Chemistry, passion, extensive kissing, blah, blah, blah. Gross. They have dinner at Christ Church Cathedral, which seems sacrilegious? Like, I don’t feel like you should just be able to have a reality show dinner in a cathedral with sarcophagi in the background.
These two cannot stop making out. It is disgusting. Nick has an interview with the camera but I can’t hear anything due to the DAMN TORNADO WARNING. I cannot stop looking at his hair. It’s like a fuzzy dog. They are whispering and blushing and really getting it on, while there is a legit dead saint in a box approximately ten feet away (top left of the above photo). Kaitlyn says she doesn’t want the date to end and asks him to come back to the hotel. He then basically sticks his hand up her dress in the entryway to the church. Are they wasted? What is happening?
Nick & Kaitlyn march into her hotel room and we get a full view of his stupid outfit. Untucked shirt, straight tie, and plaid blazer. Last week I started to like him a teeny bit and now I’ve determined he’s the enemy. The kissing sounds are too much. I think I might need to start watching this show on mute. K then pulls good ol’ Nick into her room and shuts the door. The cameras are right there. It’s not like she is a dumb drunk 20 year old. She’s 30 years old, dating numerous men and has a team of producers and cameras on the other side of the door. We are lucky enough to hear kissing and whispering through the door including Nick saying, “I want to know every part of you”. I threw up in my mouth. Tim says, “Doesn’t she know her parents are going to watch this?” All of this heavy breathing is cut with a conversation between Shawn and Ratface sharing that they don’t trust Nick, but they have to trust Kaitlyn. I hate to disappoint you dudes, but you should not.
The soft corn porn is cut thankfully short by my weatherman. When he shuts his yap, we see Nick trotting out of the hotel and Kaitlyn looking like she just got laid. She talks about how much she likes Nick, which of course means that he’ll probably ignore her moving forward. The afterglow quickly fade to guilt, “not about the act, but for the relationships with others”. You guys, who is Kaitlyn talking to on that balcony? Is she talking to herself? To some Romeo down below? This episode is confusing.
All the boys ask about the date and Nick is quite fine sharing that she invited him back to the hotel. Cut to Kaitlyn saying she will kill him if he says anything. He is relatively vague by using words “intimate” and “personal”. It sounds like an advertisement for Summer’s Eve.
Group date. Ben Z. Tanner. Shawn, Cupcake. Ben H. Jared. What kind of restaurant do you think he manages? I think it’s a TGI Fridays. As this crew marches down the streets, Shawn says, “The date card was some sort of morbid poem written by Chris Harrison”. He sounds annoyed. Chris greets the boys and says, “Kaitlyn is dead…for the day” and reveals the date is a traditional Irish wake. They enter a pub and Kaitlyn is lying in a casket. This is the weirdest concept ever.
The boys have to write a toast or poem to her. Tanner is actually pretty funny and recognizes that no one knows who the eff he is. Ben H makes up a story about K being plucked to death by birds. Shawns toasts Kaitlyn and says he understands why she took her on life, as he would have done the same “had he spent the whole day with Nick yesterday”. ZING! Tornado break again so I’m missing like five minutes. Anyone want to move to Chicago? Our weather is lovely! When it’s not effing freezing and snowing, you have to “move to the lowest level of your home or an interior room of your house and cover your head with a blanket or pillow”. I should work for Chicago Tourist Center.
We’re back! The wake ends with a traditional Irish session and then the boys head to the Guinness Factory which would be a super fun date. I think I went with my parents, who don’t even drink. We’re wiiiiild! Ben Z pulls Kaitlyn aside and shares that today was very hard for him. (Apparently when I was watching the weatherman he toasted her alone? I don’t know.) This guy is REALLY milking the dead mom thing. I mean, it’s absolutely terrible, but it’s the only thing he has talked about on this show. “Open. Open up.” You guys, we are back to the weatherman. Is this a joke? I come back to Shawn talking about his guard going back up, of course. Kaitlyn is at the Guinness Brewery drinking a chardonnay. Come on K, get with it. The below photo is staged. 
Shawn pulls out photos of his family. Like actual, printed photos. Does he keep them in his suitcase? In his pocket? He also carries a photo of him and his dog solidifying Shawn in my top two. Kaitlyn gives the date rose to Jared. You guys, what does she see that I don’t see? Can someone else chime in here to defend Jared’s honor?
Image result for bachelorette jared
And then. And then. The weather channel cut in and took up the last 12 minutes of the show. So I have no idea what happened. I need a back-up blogger that does not live in this godforsaken state and can watch the episode all the way through. Any takers? This is me.  

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