Bachelorette Recap: Return of the Nick. Alternately Titled: Ian Goes Off the Deep End.

The night kicks off with the cocktail hour before rose ceremony, which is taking place at Shea Stadium Citi Field, which is pretty cool. Everyone is all worked up about Nick. Joshua expresses his concern about Nick’s presence to Kaitlyn, which we all know is the kiss of death. JJ says to Shawn, “You’re the most attractive guy here, but when your jaw is clenched, it is not a good look for you.” I disagree. Shawn always looks hot. Shawn chats with K and shares that with Nick’s presence he is putting his wall back up. Then tells Kaitlyn that he “wishes she were smarter”. Whoops. Dear Kaitlyn, if you are going to lose a super hot dude like Shawn and my personal fave, Joshua, then get rid of creepy Nick.
Rose ceremony is approximately 15*. K is wearing a coat and gloves, all the boys are shivering their asses off and one dude is wearing a ridic scarf. What is Ben Z wearing? Black shirt and black tie with blue suit? Woof.
Maybe I’m not paying enough attention, but I have no idea who half these guys are. Like, no clue. No names, no backstory, nothing. At this point, Joshua starts realizing he made a mistake by taking his three minutes with K to talk about Nick. (Duh). JJ gets a rose. WHY?! I won’t leave you in suspense much longer–Joshua DOES get a rose. Final rose is down to Nick, guy in scarf, some other guy that looks like a wax statue, and the black guy. She gives the rose to Nick. Everyone looks like they got kicked in the nuts. Nick then says, “I’m here. Deal with it.”
Off to San Antonio! The dudes march around the River Walk in an enormous pack and advertise the hotel they’re staying in like a Yelp review. “It’s new, great location. Four stars!” Ben H. gets a one-on-one date card. I like me some Ben H, especially when they show him without a shirt. Whoa mama. Sidenote: I google searched Ben H Bachelorette shirtless every which way with no luck and for that, I apologize. I did find this though, which is sure to get your ovaries working overtime: 
Nick starts explaining himself to the boys at the same time we have a tornado warning so I can’t hear what he’s saying. Sorry. It’s probably bull shit anyway.
Kaitlyn takes Ben to a two step competition, which would maybe be the most fun date ever.  Kaitlyn looks real cute in a denim shirt, white shorts and some cowboy boots. Ben H looks cute in anything. He is concentrating so hard that his little tongue keeps popping out. Adorable . More tornado warning so I have no idea what anyone is saying, but it looks positive. Ben H charms little old ladies because he is so darn handsome.
God damn it you guys. The show keeps cutting out and showing our super hot weather girl because of our tornado warning. I’m going bonkers. They just keeps saying the same thing over and over. I need my Bachelorette!!!! Ok, finally back to Ben and K. She is grilling him about his past relationship, which was long distance. He gets real weird about it and then says that this situation forces him to open up more quickly than he would like. Translation: he is totally normal. K then wonders if he is up for being engaged since he is only 26. 26? I’m nearly a decade older than Ben? Ugh. Apparently Ben “opened up” enough for Kaitlyn and he receives a rose. If I had done this again, I would have done an “open up” tracker to count how many times someone says that on this show. I think maybe we’re at 5,000? Any other guesses?
Group date with 10 dudes. Nick is on the date and Kaitlyn is going to keep an eye on him to see how he gets along with the guys. Here’s a hint Kaitlyn, not well. Out pops a mariachi band with a middle school student as the lead singer. He’s fantastic. I’m surprised Kaitlyn doesn’t make out with him based on her track record. All the boys have to write their own mariachi song and then perform them in public in San Antonio. Poor Joe. This is his second date in a row where he needs to sing and he is just so so bad. WEATHER UPDATE-WTF?????????????????!!!!! I’m screaming at the TV. If I miss this mariachi performance, abc7 will be getting a strongly worded letter. I would also like to note that the Blackhawks game is on and the constant interruption is NOT occurring during the Stanley Cup finals.
Ok, back to the mariachis. All the guys come out in their mariachi outfits looking like: Nick redeems himself somewhat by saying, “Do I love wearing this outfit?….Yes.” That guy that looks like Encino Man goes first. He’s not bad. JJ brings his guitar. He’s terrible. Everyone laughs. Rat face calls himself “Frito Benito”. Joe, with an awful awful voice, gets down on one knee and sings, “Kaitlyn, will you mariachi me?” I like that Joe. Ian is excited to “bust out his singing voice” and then in his own words, “chokes”. He beats himself up over it. Ian has few redeeming qualities. Joshua is bad, but I still love him. Nick wants to one-up everyone and takes Kaitlyn up on a balcony for a serenade. They all hate him. Kaitlyn says, “Because he’s a comfortable guy, he might come off as cocky”. Um no…he’s just cocky. The whole time he sings, he is resting his right hand lightly on his crotch. Nick’s lyrics are as follows:
“Kaitlyn, I love your smile. I hope I stick around for a while. We have such a great connection. It gives me such a huge erection. The guys were pissed I showed up at all, but for your heart I’m willing to brawl.”
Kaitlyn said, “He’s definitely not a songbird”. Thank God, as we learned in last episode that birds are her biggest fear (despite having two tattooed on her arms). She then makes out with him. Nick shares that all the guys have been cool to his face, but “Josh seems super pissed”. Wow Nick, you can really read the room.

Josh tries to redeem himself by letting Kaitlyn cut his hair while he is blindfolded. She totally botches it and then makes this face.
 He’s a good sport. Nick has two minutes with K and has his tongue down her throat. Then they talk about the friction in the house. Nick is actually pretty diplomatic about the whole thing and doesn’t try to throw anyone under the bus. ABC does a lovely job cutting between Nick’s time with Kaitlyn and Josh bitching about Nick. According to JJ, “The haircut is just pulling the pin out of the grenade for Josh”. Nick walks in, everyone sits in awkward silence and then Josh confronts Nick in front of everyone. He says he doesn’t trust Nick and references “male intuition”. Is that a thing?
Josh then pulls Kaitlyn aside yet again. Oh Josh, Josh, Josh. Stop. This will not work out well for you. Have you not ever watched The Bachelor or The Bachelorette before? Did you not learn from wonky eyebrow Carly?! Josh tells K that no one in the house/hotel room likes Nick. He then references his “intuition” again. Kaitlyn interprets that as “everyone is lying to her face”. Then Joshua lies to all the dudes by saying he was an interview when he was in fact talking to Kaitlyn. She bombs into the room in her fringed suede skirt, which is cuter than it sounds, and asks everyone in a group setting if they are being honest with her. It’s a super vague question. They all mumble under their breaths like when you get in trouble by your mom. Joshua then says he too thinks that everyone is being honest. He’s put in a REAL tight spot. Nick deals with it quite well. Could it be I actually am starting to like Nick? Josh says everyone is hanging him out to dry as no one has his back on not liking Nick. Then they all get pissed that he was lying to them. It’s so very awkward to watch. K rubs it in Josh’s face by giving the group date rose to Nick. (I just re-read this paragraph and it makes little sense. I’m sorry, but truly its the best I can do to sum up this scenario.) I leave you with Josh’s terrible hair:

Josh finally realizes the error of his ways in the interview. “Nobody spoke up. So it just made me look like a weasley little liar. It is just one of those things you want to take back and keep your mouth shut.” Encino Man says that for Josh to speak for everyone else was out of place and I have to agree with him, even though I can never remember his name and have no information about him. It’s this guy (in case you don’t know what Encino Man looks like, in which case you’re too young to be reading this blog):

Shawn has a one-on-one date with Kaitlyn, and apparently hasn’t learned A THING from Joshua as he says he is going to take time to talk to her about not trusting Nick. GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Do not focus on anyone but yourself. I should be a Bachelor/Bachelorette coach. Is that a thing? Can I make it a thing? I’d be like Millionaire Matchmaker with a 99% success rate. Anyway, these two darlings go kayaking. In her interview, K says she loves his voice and his smell, then recognizes she is a total creeper. Shawn’s arms are insane. They drink margaritas by the River Walk with their hot bodies.
He then says he wants to be “honest and open”, and says he feels bad for Josh this morning and has his back, which is actually pretty nice. Cut to the evening portion of the night. “Open up. Open up..blah blah blah” K is wearing an awesome snake diamond ring, which is also cooler than it sounds. Shawn “opens up” by sharing that he was in a bad car accident 5 years ago while he was going up to snowboard (in his Jeep because he’s super hot). He was in the hospital for a few months and should not have survived. Kaitlyn’s reaction is lame. “Oh my gosh? You did? Really”. Shawn starts tearing up by letting his guard down and can’t make eye contact. Through all of this, all I can notice is that his face is like three times bigger than his face. Then he says he is falling in love with her. Wha wha whaaat??! It’s been like three weeks? She then says it feels like her husband telling her that he loves her for the first time and responds to him by saying she feels the same way. I thought you weren’t allowed to do that on The Bachelor? Date ends with them canoeing into the middle of a lake to see fireworks, which is totally normal.
Cue Ian, who is the Eyore of this season. He is disappointed to be “flying under the radar”.  He then says he is not being liked by the girl he is trying to impress and “cannot understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple times.” That. That right there Ian is why she doesn’t want you. Also, you’re balding. He confides in Nick that he doesn’t find K interesting and wants to go home. Then he adds that he should be The Bachelor, to which the entire universe makes this face:
Short preview of the cocktail party and Cupcake is wearing maybe the most ridiculous blazer every created. My sweet dumb idiot, Josh, starts crying. K grabs the biggest pour of Chardonnay I’ve seen and then toasts to “honesty and tonight”. Articulate. Ian then throws out, “She’s not as hot as my ex-girlfriend”.  K takes Ratface Jared back to her room. “Open and honest”…yadda yadda yadda. He says “like” about 700 times and then declares he is falling in love with her, which “makes her happy”. Not quite the same as her response to Shawn’s declaration, but decent, I guess.  Ian keeps rolling out how impressive he is and what an eligible bachelor he is “in the country and in the world.” He is “an enigma, and who [he] is is a gift you unwrap for life”. Seems like Ian has been having some healing sessions with Tony. He ends it by saying that he has a lot of sex in his real life. Sounds like you have a lot to prove Ian.
Ian pulls Kaitlyn aside and says its hard for him to hang out with guys that make fart jokes because he is “a deep person”. He then insults her in a number of different ways and ends it with “I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV. I see you as a surface level person and I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”

Watch Self-Described Bachelorette 'Catch' Ian Magically Turn Into a Dick

To be continued…But it looks like we’re getting closer to finding out who she is going to sleep with. YES!
On another note, someone found my blog by searching Ashley I from the Bachelor. My life is complete.
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