Bachelorette Recap: Tony, Tony Tony & The “Vills”

Grab a glass of wine ladies, because this is a long one! After Kupah gets kicked off, the episode starts with the rose ceremony. Of course they interview the guys about how they’re feeling.
 Tony, on getting the rose. “It’s definitely worth what I have invested. Stepping away from my business, my dog, my bonsai trees. All the things I love in this world… I see the world from the eyes of a child, I have the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul.” WHAT THE ROCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? He is looney tunes. Like legitimately off his rocker. I can’t figure out his game. And then….and then…. she gives him a rose. HOW? HOW DID SHE PICK HIM? You can tell that was a producer pick. Girlfriend had no choice in the matter. Why did she peace out Corey? He was really cute and I don’t thinks he gave him a chance! She also got rid of some other guy. No idea what his name or backstory is. Sorry ladies.
First group date is sumo wrestling.  Two sumo wrestlers come in banging a gong and NOT ONE of the men is wearing a shirt. Really? All of you sleep shirtless? JJ says, “I really love Japanese culture. I love sushi…” And that’s it. That’s all he knows about Japanese culture. What a douche.
The boys all come out in their sumo robes, disrobe and Kaitlyn runs behind them to check out their bums. Good move girlfriend. She calls them “thong man diapers”.
Tiama, the 600 pound sumo wrestler, who is in fact the biggest Japanese man alive, is really showing it all. His boobs rival my post baby engorged breasts any day of the week. Each of the guys basically get destroyed. It’s hilarious. I love that the other dudes just came out with their beers to watch. Tony then goes to town on one of the sumo wrestlers, loses and skulks off. Kaitlyn goes to check on him, and he ignores her. Then he says that he doesn’t understand why all the dates are about showing aggression, because he would rather go on “something peaceful and loving because that’s who I am”. He then REPEATS the line about “eyes of a child, heart of a warrior and spirit of a gypsy”. Dude, that cannot be your catchphrase.
Then JJ inserts himself into the conversation, which is wholly unnecessary. Tony later says he can’t find happiness by “reverting back to my primal instincts”. Then he hocks a loogie. Keep it classy Tony. Kaitlyn is really nice about his whole tantrum and tells him he doesn’t have to participate if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t.
K then stages an exhibition in downtown LA with the boys. It starts with her putting on a diaper and fighting one of the sumos.  She is a good sport. Shawn B. slaps a sumo ass. Love him. Joe is fun (despite his ball hanging out the entire episdode), and I’m REALLY happy he beats JJ. Clint wears a headband. And then throws everyone out of the ring. All in all, a fun date for  everyone but child eyes Tony. He did not attend the exhibition and is very upset that all the dates are a competition to see “who has the biggest dick in the house”. Then he wonders why they can’t just go to the zoo.  He packs his bag,  puts on a 90’s mexican poncho, and quits, all while claiming he’s not a quitter. He marches over to meet with Kaitlyn, hands her a lame daisy, expresses some platitudes and leaves. I could not be happier that he is gone, but I did like that Cali cammo hat he was rocking. Google search came up empty on that.
Awkward group date follows. Clint decides not to pursue Kaitlyn for some reason. Probably not his best move. Shawn opens his heart and makes a smooch move. She also kisses “Cupcake”. Shawn receives the group date rose for “putting himself out there”. Take a hint Clint. Clint thinks that maybe Kaitlyn isn’t the right girl for him. Then calls JJ a sweetheart. Um, what? I’m confused.
Chris Harrison picks the next one-on-one date and sets up Kaitlyn & Ben Z. It’s unclear what the premise of the date is. They have to be locked in a basement and figure out how to get a code to get them out? It’s basically a puzzle fun house with all sorts of horrifying things: snakes, birds, cockroaches, gross toilets. Of course they finish RIGHT ON TIME. It’s lame. I had more faith in my main man Chris. They finish the date by ordering pizza back at her place, which is very normal. They don’t seem too awkward and Ben appears to be genuinely a nice guy, despite noting that he hasn’t cried in 11 years since his Mom died.  She then gives him a rose and they make out in the hot tub.
Group date. K takes the boys to an elementary school and they are substitute teachers. They have to teach sex education and puberty. Joshua, securing his spot in my heart says, “Man, I learned everything sexual when I was a kid by watching our cows.” These kids are obviously actors. Also, what parents let their kids be a part of this? Only in LA. It’s pretty hilarious honestly. Josh has to talk about female puberty. He is the cutest. He calls a tampon “a torpedo” and then gets insanely embarrassed.
Ben H is on this date and he is pretty darn cute too. Where has he been the past few episodes? He did a lovely job explaining reproduction and connecting with Kaitlyn. Also, why can you say vagina on TV but penis is bleeped out? Seems unfair.
At the date night, Joshua shares that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. He’s so darn cute. I like that he hasn’t kissed her yet. It’s respectful! Kaitlyn seems turned off by his inexperience. She then gets some one-on-one time with Ben H who shared that he worked at a youth center and goes to Honduras to volunteer. They smooch and awkwardly slow dance on a roof top to no music, and then he dips her. I hate that shit, but Kaitlyn was into it. That little rat face (Jared) was actually more charming than I thought, but still not sure about him. She says he is “comfortable with his sexuality”. Then they do more slow dancing without music. Please raise your hand if you’ve ever done this, because I have not. Ben gets the group date rose.
Cut to Clint & JJ Bromance. Things I learned:
-They squeeze one another’s back zits in the shower.
-They talk about how much they love turtles
-They talk about how smart they are.
-Clint serenades JJ with his guitar and they make extended eye contact.
Clint talks about how they have grown too close and then says, “The possibility of coming on to the Bachelor and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind. But at this point, I’m a success story”. WHAT?
Cocktail party starts and Clint takes Kaitlyn, apologizes and starts making an effort with K, then lays one on her. Behind the scenes, we hear him say that he is not really interested in K but needs a rose tonight. Then he tells JJ how cute he is and what a nice jawline he has. It is an odd odd odd scene.
JJ then gets really upset because all the boys have told Kaitlyn what nut jobs he and Clint are. Poor girl has to deal with a lot of drama. The show ends with K saying “Clint is about to go down in flames”.
Scenes for next week: Effing Nick comes back. He is such a creeper. When is she going to have sexy time with one of the guys and then have to have a super awkward conversation with the rest of them? I can’t wait!
Other random thoughts:
Joshua and Shawn seem to be the only voice of reason on this show, by the way.
Why is Chris the dentist called Cupcake? Also, he’s gay right?
JJ’s primary color shoulder/arm tat is the worst.

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