Five on Friday

Hello my friends! It appears as if all my posts are Bachelorette related, so I’m back to a Five on Friday with a random brain dump.
1. This has been a tough week for our family. Emma developed pink eye last weekend. Poor thing had her eye sealed shut but still woke up with a smile on her face. I will tell you that putting eye drops in a 9 month olds’ eyes four times a day is a true delight! I woke up Monday with a sore throat, lost my voice at a work event on Thursday and started this morning with pink eye as well. We are a den of sickness over here. Stay away!
2. Sunday was my husband’s first Father’s Day. Watching him fall in love with our daughter is the absolute best. I think its hard for Dads to connect with newborns since they are so fragile and really are attached to mamas most of the time, and truly newborns, while sweet, just aren’t that much fun (in my opinion). As E has grown and developed her little personality, he has just become smitten. No one gets more smiles than Dad and she absolutely loves when he sings to her. It makes me want to have like eight more kids. We celebrated by going to our favorite neighborhood diner for lunch, taking a long and leisurely family nap and going for a swim at the local pool–a perfect day to celebrate the #1 guy/only guy in our house.

3. I popped by Trader Joe’s on Wednesday on my way back from work to pick up a few staples to stock our freezer–perfect for the nights when I just cannot get it together to cook (which, lets be honest, is at least five out of seven night). I’ll do another post on my Trader Joe’s faves in the coming weeks. I did pick up Chocolate Coconut Almonds and I cannot stop eating them. I’ve plowed through half the container in two days. They are AMAZING! It’s like a bite sized Almond Joy but with even more crunch. Pick some up next time you’re at TJs. 
4. A good friend was in town this week for work and she was able to swing up one night for dinner. We shared a bottle of wine and it was so nice to catch up. We realized that it has been ten years since we last had time one-on-one, as the last few times we had seen one another was for weddings, bachelorette parties, and birthday parties. It made me realize I need to revisit my New Year’s resolution to make more time for friends and reconnect on a regular basis. Get ready for some phone calls ladies! Also, Lauren works for Pure Barre and teaches/attends class regularly and looks fantastic. This chubby mama is hoping to get her butt the barre soon. Anyone local want to join?
5. Chicago in the summer is the best (usually). One of my favorite things to do is take advantage of all the outdoor concerts. Last Sunday, Tim and I went to the Pritzker Pavilion at Millennium Park to see Iron & Wine and Damien Rice. Despite a lot of stress to get there (long story but our babysitter no showed), the night was absolutely perfect and it was no great to have a date night with my husband. 
 This weekend we are going to Ravinia, an outdoor venue where everyone packs a picnic and drinks a bunch a wine, to see Amos Lee and David Gray. I’ve already shopped for our snacks because obviously that is the most important. Loving this city and all it has to offer. Now if we could only do something about the weather…

Bachelorette Recap: Scandalous Edition

I missed the first six minutes of the show because I obviously cannot get my shit together. Anyway, Ian is a d-bag to Kaitlyn and leaves and darling Nick, in a stupid bow tie, comes in to be a shoulder to cry on. Nick is rocking like eight wooden beaded bracelets. Unfortunately this arm party is hidden by Kaitlyn’s big noggin.
I had forgotten how terrible Joshua’s hair was. Bless his heart. Shawn says open up twice in two seconds. Ben H. is so good looking Flash to Nick and K close talking and then he bites her finger. Gross. All the boys are upset with his extended time with her, and Shawn walks in on make out sesh. Listening to people french kiss is maybe one of the grossest things that has entered my ears.
Commercial break ends with Kaitlyn saying, “To me intimacy is an important part of a relationship and I’m not afraid to say that.” That is some quality foreshadowing for the slutty episode, abc. Nice work. K tells the boys what Ian said and notes that he left. Rat face is very upset he cannot comfort her. I know I rag on him, but he looks so trashy.
Rose ceremony is at the Alamo! Chris Harrison corners Kaitlyn in a tunnel and asks hard hitting questions like, “Where’s your head?” and “After tonight, we’re about halfway through this thing…”. How do I get his job? We also learn he is from Texas. That surprises me. He seems like a Connecticut man. Kaitlyn kicks off rose ceremony by thanking the boys for a great week and says they have “shared things with [her] that she holds close to [her] heart”. No one talks like that.
JJ gets a rose. Producer cut obviously. Tanner (?), Encino Man, and Joshua are the three vying for the final rose.  Joshua doesn’t stand a chance right? Right. Kaitlyn makes duck lips for an extended period of time while intense chase music plays and then gives the remaining rose to Tanner. Dear Joshua, if you had kept your mouth shut and focused on yourself, you would have been just fine. More tips from this Bachelorette coach coming right up. TORNADO WARNING!!! You guys, it is no joke. This is the second Monday in a row where we have had tornadoes during the Bachelorette.  Chris announces they are going to Dublin, Ireland. Josh is so sad as he hears the cheers on his walk out the door. All the boys cheers to Ireland in the worst Irish/leprechaun accents I’ve ever heard. Tim (my husband) walks in and says, “Isn’t this the episode when she sleeps with someone? Why is it already the rose ceremony?” Tim, all rules are thrown at the window this year! We START with rose ceremonies and every episode is to be continued…
I am super excited for this Dublin portion. I studied abroad at University College Dublin, and absolutely love the city. It has amazing architecture, a great bar scene, fantastic live music and the friendliest people you’ve ever met. Cupcake says, “Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow”. The world collectively groans. The boys settle into their hotel, Kaitlyn walks in and picks Nick for the first one-on-one date. Shawn is very upset and JJ says that Shawn “needs a good cry”.
Kaitlyn and Nick walk through St. Stephen’s Green. Kaitlyn is afraid of the birds. Again, let’s all remember that she has a bird tattooed on each arm. Do her eyebrows look different this episode? Darker eyebrow pencil? Too thin? Also, it appears Nick is wearing a pleather Member’s Only jacket. They happen upon Irish dancers, which Nick calls “Irish Riverdancing”. That was the name of the production Nick, not the type of dance. They join in. I cannot find a screen shot of a woman watching with pure and utter disgust on her face. I can find a screen shot of Nick & Kaitlyn making out against a wall in an alley. In front of a store window. At the bar.
Nick says a bunch of stuff to Kaitlyn while drinking whiskey and I totally zone out. I’m sorry, I didn’t even care enough to rewind it. Kaitlyn zoned out too, but with duck lips. Chemistry, passion, extensive kissing, blah, blah, blah. Gross. They have dinner at Christ Church Cathedral, which seems sacrilegious? Like, I don’t feel like you should just be able to have a reality show dinner in a cathedral with sarcophagi in the background.
These two cannot stop making out. It is disgusting. Nick has an interview with the camera but I can’t hear anything due to the DAMN TORNADO WARNING. I cannot stop looking at his hair. It’s like a fuzzy dog. They are whispering and blushing and really getting it on, while there is a legit dead saint in a box approximately ten feet away (top left of the above photo). Kaitlyn says she doesn’t want the date to end and asks him to come back to the hotel. He then basically sticks his hand up her dress in the entryway to the church. Are they wasted? What is happening?
Nick & Kaitlyn march into her hotel room and we get a full view of his stupid outfit. Untucked shirt, straight tie, and plaid blazer. Last week I started to like him a teeny bit and now I’ve determined he’s the enemy. The kissing sounds are too much. I think I might need to start watching this show on mute. K then pulls good ol’ Nick into her room and shuts the door. The cameras are right there. It’s not like she is a dumb drunk 20 year old. She’s 30 years old, dating numerous men and has a team of producers and cameras on the other side of the door. We are lucky enough to hear kissing and whispering through the door including Nick saying, “I want to know every part of you”. I threw up in my mouth. Tim says, “Doesn’t she know her parents are going to watch this?” All of this heavy breathing is cut with a conversation between Shawn and Ratface sharing that they don’t trust Nick, but they have to trust Kaitlyn. I hate to disappoint you dudes, but you should not.
The soft corn porn is cut thankfully short by my weatherman. When he shuts his yap, we see Nick trotting out of the hotel and Kaitlyn looking like she just got laid. She talks about how much she likes Nick, which of course means that he’ll probably ignore her moving forward. The afterglow quickly fade to guilt, “not about the act, but for the relationships with others”. You guys, who is Kaitlyn talking to on that balcony? Is she talking to herself? To some Romeo down below? This episode is confusing.
All the boys ask about the date and Nick is quite fine sharing that she invited him back to the hotel. Cut to Kaitlyn saying she will kill him if he says anything. He is relatively vague by using words “intimate” and “personal”. It sounds like an advertisement for Summer’s Eve.
Group date. Ben Z. Tanner. Shawn, Cupcake. Ben H. Jared. What kind of restaurant do you think he manages? I think it’s a TGI Fridays. As this crew marches down the streets, Shawn says, “The date card was some sort of morbid poem written by Chris Harrison”. He sounds annoyed. Chris greets the boys and says, “Kaitlyn is dead…for the day” and reveals the date is a traditional Irish wake. They enter a pub and Kaitlyn is lying in a casket. This is the weirdest concept ever.
The boys have to write a toast or poem to her. Tanner is actually pretty funny and recognizes that no one knows who the eff he is. Ben H makes up a story about K being plucked to death by birds. Shawns toasts Kaitlyn and says he understands why she took her on life, as he would have done the same “had he spent the whole day with Nick yesterday”. ZING! Tornado break again so I’m missing like five minutes. Anyone want to move to Chicago? Our weather is lovely! When it’s not effing freezing and snowing, you have to “move to the lowest level of your home or an interior room of your house and cover your head with a blanket or pillow”. I should work for Chicago Tourist Center.
We’re back! The wake ends with a traditional Irish session and then the boys head to the Guinness Factory which would be a super fun date. I think I went with my parents, who don’t even drink. We’re wiiiiild! Ben Z pulls Kaitlyn aside and shares that today was very hard for him. (Apparently when I was watching the weatherman he toasted her alone? I don’t know.) This guy is REALLY milking the dead mom thing. I mean, it’s absolutely terrible, but it’s the only thing he has talked about on this show. “Open. Open up.” You guys, we are back to the weatherman. Is this a joke? I come back to Shawn talking about his guard going back up, of course. Kaitlyn is at the Guinness Brewery drinking a chardonnay. Come on K, get with it. The below photo is staged. 
Shawn pulls out photos of his family. Like actual, printed photos. Does he keep them in his suitcase? In his pocket? He also carries a photo of him and his dog solidifying Shawn in my top two. Kaitlyn gives the date rose to Jared. You guys, what does she see that I don’t see? Can someone else chime in here to defend Jared’s honor?
Image result for bachelorette jared
And then. And then. The weather channel cut in and took up the last 12 minutes of the show. So I have no idea what happened. I need a back-up blogger that does not live in this godforsaken state and can watch the episode all the way through. Any takers? This is me.  

Bachelorette Recap: Return of the Nick. Alternately Titled: Ian Goes Off the Deep End.

The night kicks off with the cocktail hour before rose ceremony, which is taking place at Shea Stadium Citi Field, which is pretty cool. Everyone is all worked up about Nick. Joshua expresses his concern about Nick’s presence to Kaitlyn, which we all know is the kiss of death. JJ says to Shawn, “You’re the most attractive guy here, but when your jaw is clenched, it is not a good look for you.” I disagree. Shawn always looks hot. Shawn chats with K and shares that with Nick’s presence he is putting his wall back up. Then tells Kaitlyn that he “wishes she were smarter”. Whoops. Dear Kaitlyn, if you are going to lose a super hot dude like Shawn and my personal fave, Joshua, then get rid of creepy Nick.
Rose ceremony is approximately 15*. K is wearing a coat and gloves, all the boys are shivering their asses off and one dude is wearing a ridic scarf. What is Ben Z wearing? Black shirt and black tie with blue suit? Woof.
Maybe I’m not paying enough attention, but I have no idea who half these guys are. Like, no clue. No names, no backstory, nothing. At this point, Joshua starts realizing he made a mistake by taking his three minutes with K to talk about Nick. (Duh). JJ gets a rose. WHY?! I won’t leave you in suspense much longer–Joshua DOES get a rose. Final rose is down to Nick, guy in scarf, some other guy that looks like a wax statue, and the black guy. She gives the rose to Nick. Everyone looks like they got kicked in the nuts. Nick then says, “I’m here. Deal with it.”
Off to San Antonio! The dudes march around the River Walk in an enormous pack and advertise the hotel they’re staying in like a Yelp review. “It’s new, great location. Four stars!” Ben H. gets a one-on-one date card. I like me some Ben H, especially when they show him without a shirt. Whoa mama. Sidenote: I google searched Ben H Bachelorette shirtless every which way with no luck and for that, I apologize. I did find this though, which is sure to get your ovaries working overtime: 
Nick starts explaining himself to the boys at the same time we have a tornado warning so I can’t hear what he’s saying. Sorry. It’s probably bull shit anyway.
Kaitlyn takes Ben to a two step competition, which would maybe be the most fun date ever.  Kaitlyn looks real cute in a denim shirt, white shorts and some cowboy boots. Ben H looks cute in anything. He is concentrating so hard that his little tongue keeps popping out. Adorable . More tornado warning so I have no idea what anyone is saying, but it looks positive. Ben H charms little old ladies because he is so darn handsome.
God damn it you guys. The show keeps cutting out and showing our super hot weather girl because of our tornado warning. I’m going bonkers. They just keeps saying the same thing over and over. I need my Bachelorette!!!! Ok, finally back to Ben and K. She is grilling him about his past relationship, which was long distance. He gets real weird about it and then says that this situation forces him to open up more quickly than he would like. Translation: he is totally normal. K then wonders if he is up for being engaged since he is only 26. 26? I’m nearly a decade older than Ben? Ugh. Apparently Ben “opened up” enough for Kaitlyn and he receives a rose. If I had done this again, I would have done an “open up” tracker to count how many times someone says that on this show. I think maybe we’re at 5,000? Any other guesses?
Group date with 10 dudes. Nick is on the date and Kaitlyn is going to keep an eye on him to see how he gets along with the guys. Here’s a hint Kaitlyn, not well. Out pops a mariachi band with a middle school student as the lead singer. He’s fantastic. I’m surprised Kaitlyn doesn’t make out with him based on her track record. All the boys have to write their own mariachi song and then perform them in public in San Antonio. Poor Joe. This is his second date in a row where he needs to sing and he is just so so bad. WEATHER UPDATE-WTF?????????????????!!!!! I’m screaming at the TV. If I miss this mariachi performance, abc7 will be getting a strongly worded letter. I would also like to note that the Blackhawks game is on and the constant interruption is NOT occurring during the Stanley Cup finals.
Ok, back to the mariachis. All the guys come out in their mariachi outfits looking like: Nick redeems himself somewhat by saying, “Do I love wearing this outfit?….Yes.” That guy that looks like Encino Man goes first. He’s not bad. JJ brings his guitar. He’s terrible. Everyone laughs. Rat face calls himself “Frito Benito”. Joe, with an awful awful voice, gets down on one knee and sings, “Kaitlyn, will you mariachi me?” I like that Joe. Ian is excited to “bust out his singing voice” and then in his own words, “chokes”. He beats himself up over it. Ian has few redeeming qualities. Joshua is bad, but I still love him. Nick wants to one-up everyone and takes Kaitlyn up on a balcony for a serenade. They all hate him. Kaitlyn says, “Because he’s a comfortable guy, he might come off as cocky”. Um no…he’s just cocky. The whole time he sings, he is resting his right hand lightly on his crotch. Nick’s lyrics are as follows:
“Kaitlyn, I love your smile. I hope I stick around for a while. We have such a great connection. It gives me such a huge erection. The guys were pissed I showed up at all, but for your heart I’m willing to brawl.”
Kaitlyn said, “He’s definitely not a songbird”. Thank God, as we learned in last episode that birds are her biggest fear (despite having two tattooed on her arms). She then makes out with him. Nick shares that all the guys have been cool to his face, but “Josh seems super pissed”. Wow Nick, you can really read the room.

Josh tries to redeem himself by letting Kaitlyn cut his hair while he is blindfolded. She totally botches it and then makes this face.
 He’s a good sport. Nick has two minutes with K and has his tongue down her throat. Then they talk about the friction in the house. Nick is actually pretty diplomatic about the whole thing and doesn’t try to throw anyone under the bus. ABC does a lovely job cutting between Nick’s time with Kaitlyn and Josh bitching about Nick. According to JJ, “The haircut is just pulling the pin out of the grenade for Josh”. Nick walks in, everyone sits in awkward silence and then Josh confronts Nick in front of everyone. He says he doesn’t trust Nick and references “male intuition”. Is that a thing?
Josh then pulls Kaitlyn aside yet again. Oh Josh, Josh, Josh. Stop. This will not work out well for you. Have you not ever watched The Bachelor or The Bachelorette before? Did you not learn from wonky eyebrow Carly?! Josh tells K that no one in the house/hotel room likes Nick. He then references his “intuition” again. Kaitlyn interprets that as “everyone is lying to her face”. Then Joshua lies to all the dudes by saying he was an interview when he was in fact talking to Kaitlyn. She bombs into the room in her fringed suede skirt, which is cuter than it sounds, and asks everyone in a group setting if they are being honest with her. It’s a super vague question. They all mumble under their breaths like when you get in trouble by your mom. Joshua then says he too thinks that everyone is being honest. He’s put in a REAL tight spot. Nick deals with it quite well. Could it be I actually am starting to like Nick? Josh says everyone is hanging him out to dry as no one has his back on not liking Nick. Then they all get pissed that he was lying to them. It’s so very awkward to watch. K rubs it in Josh’s face by giving the group date rose to Nick. (I just re-read this paragraph and it makes little sense. I’m sorry, but truly its the best I can do to sum up this scenario.) I leave you with Josh’s terrible hair:

Josh finally realizes the error of his ways in the interview. “Nobody spoke up. So it just made me look like a weasley little liar. It is just one of those things you want to take back and keep your mouth shut.” Encino Man says that for Josh to speak for everyone else was out of place and I have to agree with him, even though I can never remember his name and have no information about him. It’s this guy (in case you don’t know what Encino Man looks like, in which case you’re too young to be reading this blog):

Shawn has a one-on-one date with Kaitlyn, and apparently hasn’t learned A THING from Joshua as he says he is going to take time to talk to her about not trusting Nick. GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Do not focus on anyone but yourself. I should be a Bachelor/Bachelorette coach. Is that a thing? Can I make it a thing? I’d be like Millionaire Matchmaker with a 99% success rate. Anyway, these two darlings go kayaking. In her interview, K says she loves his voice and his smell, then recognizes she is a total creeper. Shawn’s arms are insane. They drink margaritas by the River Walk with their hot bodies.
He then says he wants to be “honest and open”, and says he feels bad for Josh this morning and has his back, which is actually pretty nice. Cut to the evening portion of the night. “Open up. Open up..blah blah blah” K is wearing an awesome snake diamond ring, which is also cooler than it sounds. Shawn “opens up” by sharing that he was in a bad car accident 5 years ago while he was going up to snowboard (in his Jeep because he’s super hot). He was in the hospital for a few months and should not have survived. Kaitlyn’s reaction is lame. “Oh my gosh? You did? Really”. Shawn starts tearing up by letting his guard down and can’t make eye contact. Through all of this, all I can notice is that his face is like three times bigger than his face. Then he says he is falling in love with her. Wha wha whaaat??! It’s been like three weeks? She then says it feels like her husband telling her that he loves her for the first time and responds to him by saying she feels the same way. I thought you weren’t allowed to do that on The Bachelor? Date ends with them canoeing into the middle of a lake to see fireworks, which is totally normal.
Cue Ian, who is the Eyore of this season. He is disappointed to be “flying under the radar”.  He then says he is not being liked by the girl he is trying to impress and “cannot understand why Kaitlyn wouldn’t want a Princeton graduate, former model that defied death and has been around the world a couple times.” That. That right there Ian is why she doesn’t want you. Also, you’re balding. He confides in Nick that he doesn’t find K interesting and wants to go home. Then he adds that he should be The Bachelor, to which the entire universe makes this face:
Short preview of the cocktail party and Cupcake is wearing maybe the most ridiculous blazer every created. My sweet dumb idiot, Josh, starts crying. K grabs the biggest pour of Chardonnay I’ve seen and then toasts to “honesty and tonight”. Articulate. Ian then throws out, “She’s not as hot as my ex-girlfriend”.  K takes Ratface Jared back to her room. “Open and honest”…yadda yadda yadda. He says “like” about 700 times and then declares he is falling in love with her, which “makes her happy”. Not quite the same as her response to Shawn’s declaration, but decent, I guess.  Ian keeps rolling out how impressive he is and what an eligible bachelor he is “in the country and in the world.” He is “an enigma, and who [he] is is a gift you unwrap for life”. Seems like Ian has been having some healing sessions with Tony. He ends it by saying that he has a lot of sex in his real life. Sounds like you have a lot to prove Ian.
Ian pulls Kaitlyn aside and says its hard for him to hang out with guys that make fart jokes because he is “a deep person”. He then insults her in a number of different ways and ends it with “I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV. I see you as a surface level person and I don’t see anything beyond the surface.”

Watch Self-Described Bachelorette 'Catch' Ian Magically Turn Into a Dick

To be continued…But it looks like we’re getting closer to finding out who she is going to sleep with. YES!
On another note, someone found my blog by searching Ashley I from the Bachelor. My life is complete.

Things I Bought from Old Navy and Returned

I got sucked into a banner ad offering 30% off at Old Navy last week and went to town. When I shop on-line I’m of the “I’ll just try it on, you can always return it mentality”. When I was 23, I spent a million dollars at Banana Republic one year buying work clothes and became a Luxe member for life so  I always get free shipping which makes it worth it.
Below is all the stuff I bought, tried on, and promptly put back in the bag to be returned. I’m not sure what sort of body I thought I had while I was perusing the clothes, but I purchased a ton of spaghetti strap dresses. Seriously? Like my nursing boobs could ever handle that.

Lace Trim Sundress
The jersey dress below had potential, and I liked the pattern, but it ruched funny around my waist. I’m sure it would look adorable on some of you.

Sleeveless Jersey Dress
Then I bought a romper. A ROMPER. I’m pretty sure there is an age cutoff for that, but if there isn’t, there is definitely a body cut off and I have missed the mark. I also need to learn that those elastic waistbands just look hideous on me.

Cami Romper 
I did buy (and keep) the below wrap dress. I’m struggling a bit with finding work clothes that don’t require me to get fully undressed to pump and this fits the bill. Plus it was under $30. I wore it to the office with a white blazer and nude heels. I meant to take photo in the huge mirror in the bathroom at work, but I forgot. Would you guys like to see how things looks on a regular lumpy body as opposed to the one below?

Cap Sleeve Wrap Dress
I also picked up a few things for Emma. Now that girl can rock a romper! 
 Sleeveless Chambray Romper (Check out my amaze photography skills) 
 Stars & Stripes Bubble // Chambray Sunhat
Old NavyOld NavyMexican Style Romper
Embroidered Romper 
Pineapple Print Jumpsuit
Now we just need the weather to get above 70* and we can romp it all summer long! Not mama though. Mama will be wearing length appropriate shorts and blousy tops and dreaming of the days she wore maternity maxi-dresses.

Bachelorette Recap: NYC Edition

You guys, I’m the worst!! By the time I remembered the turn the Bachelorette on, it was already halfway over. 7pm is WAY too early for a show to begin–my darn baby hasn’t even gone to bed yet.
I apparently missed Clint getting kicked off, JJ turning on Clint, Clint responding by saying “I’m going to [effing] kill you”, Kaitlyn canceling the rose ceremony and then a rap battle in front of Doug E. Fresh. It was a jam packed hour and way more exciting than the hour I watched. Found this for you peeps though…
https://www.whipclip.com/embed/92zpq
Anyway…when I turned it on Kaitlyn was getting her hair done by Ashley S. and they were drinking mimosas. That sounds like my dream day. Bring me more Ashley S. Cut to Kaitlyn making out with Nick on the corner like four blocks from where I used to live. It’s unclear how he showed up or why, but she seems into it. I don’t trust him whatsoever. Cue my husband saying that he thinks that Nick joining the crew is unfair. I agree.
nick and kaitlyn
Kaitlyn went on a date with Jared to the Met, which was pretty awesome. Remember last year when the girls had to spend like a week in Dubuque, Iowa and the most exciting place they went was the Badlands. They really got the shaft.Except for Ashley S. She thought they were in Mesa Verde.  Kaitlyn spent the whole date thinking about Nick, which is kind of a dick move. Jared wrote/read her a poem. It was lame. K’s response was “Game over”, but in a good way (?) as she then gave him the rose. I would have said “Game over” and then peaced his little ratty face out. But then I would have missed out on a sweet helicopter ride around the Statue of Liberty.
K then informs all the dudes that Nick is moving in and will be joining in the rose ceremony for the night. They are all annoyed and one guy says “There are tons of guys out there. When does it stop?” Good point. Also, one of the dudes is wearing hotel slippers which I love.
Kaitlyn takes a handful of dudes on a group date and walks into the set for Aladdin. Tim and I agree that we would totally go see that musical. Come to Chicago Aladdin! Whoever wins the date gets to make their Broadway debut on the show that night. Stressful as all get out. The boys are good sports about dancing AND they get to shoot out of the floor which looks like the most fun ever. Most of them are terrible singers. Joe makes up the words. Ian is pretty good. Chris “Cupcake” clearly has done high school musicals. Everyone makes fun of him, but he ultimately is chosen. He is so excited to “be on Broadway..and to perform..in Aladdin!” Oh, and also hang with Kaitlyn. Joshua is disappointed, and says that when he was mad at home he used to punch hay bales. Heart eyes for Joshua.

Before they go on stage, Cupcake holds Kaitlyn and tells her they need to stand in silence and appreciate it. Terrible. Then they kiss. He looks ridic in his Aladdin costume, but his eyeliner is on point.
 They were on stage for approximately six seconds and stood awkwardly. Chris says Kaitlyn did real good. She’s a great stander. Then they head to a roof to see the Times Square NYE ball, which Chris calls a “sacred place”. Hmmm…He gets a rose. Show ends with Nick walking into a room full of dudes. Duh..duh…duh.
Side notes:
-Kaitlyn has perpetual duck lips. Too many fillers.
-Brit and Brady are still fake dating. And wearing matching all black outfits with skinny jeans. e says it has been one of the most beautiful times in my life and she responds with a blank stare and “yeah”. That’s going to last.

Can’t Live Without It: French Press

Happy Friday friends! FYI, it’s National Donut Day so get yourself to Dunkin (or Krispy Kreme if they are near you, you lucky dogs) and get yo’self a free donut! I had a grapefruit for breakfast this morning because I’m the skinniest person alive, but I am very likely going to walk my buns down to DD for a coffee and a free donut within the hour.
My link game has been weak lately, but today I am linking to something that I truly could not have lived without this past week. With my husband out of town (again) and a teething baby who refused to sleep through the night, this mom was running on caffeine alone. Rather than make a pot of coffee in the morning, when I need to treat myself, I use our French Press.

Bodum Eileen 8-cup French Press
My husband actually requested this as a gift a few years ago, and the quality of a french press brew is definitely better than our Cuisinart Coffee Maker (although it’s good too). The Bodum Eileen also comes in gold, which is gorgeous, it just didn’t fit in with the style of our kitchen. While the french press takes a little more work, the coffee is definitely stronger, and was probably the only thing getting me through the week. We follow these directions for how to make it. It’s a special weekend treat! (Goes best with donuts).

Bachelorette Recap: Tony, Tony Tony & The “Vills”

Grab a glass of wine ladies, because this is a long one! After Kupah gets kicked off, the episode starts with the rose ceremony. Of course they interview the guys about how they’re feeling.
 Tony, on getting the rose. “It’s definitely worth what I have invested. Stepping away from my business, my dog, my bonsai trees. All the things I love in this world… I see the world from the eyes of a child, I have the heart of a warrior and a gypsy soul.” WHAT THE ROCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? He is looney tunes. Like legitimately off his rocker. I can’t figure out his game. And then….and then…. she gives him a rose. HOW? HOW DID SHE PICK HIM? You can tell that was a producer pick. Girlfriend had no choice in the matter. Why did she peace out Corey? He was really cute and I don’t thinks he gave him a chance! She also got rid of some other guy. No idea what his name or backstory is. Sorry ladies.
First group date is sumo wrestling.  Two sumo wrestlers come in banging a gong and NOT ONE of the men is wearing a shirt. Really? All of you sleep shirtless? JJ says, “I really love Japanese culture. I love sushi…” And that’s it. That’s all he knows about Japanese culture. What a douche.
The boys all come out in their sumo robes, disrobe and Kaitlyn runs behind them to check out their bums. Good move girlfriend. She calls them “thong man diapers”.
Tiama, the 600 pound sumo wrestler, who is in fact the biggest Japanese man alive, is really showing it all. His boobs rival my post baby engorged breasts any day of the week. Each of the guys basically get destroyed. It’s hilarious. I love that the other dudes just came out with their beers to watch. Tony then goes to town on one of the sumo wrestlers, loses and skulks off. Kaitlyn goes to check on him, and he ignores her. Then he says that he doesn’t understand why all the dates are about showing aggression, because he would rather go on “something peaceful and loving because that’s who I am”. He then REPEATS the line about “eyes of a child, heart of a warrior and spirit of a gypsy”. Dude, that cannot be your catchphrase.
Then JJ inserts himself into the conversation, which is wholly unnecessary. Tony later says he can’t find happiness by “reverting back to my primal instincts”. Then he hocks a loogie. Keep it classy Tony. Kaitlyn is really nice about his whole tantrum and tells him he doesn’t have to participate if he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t.
K then stages an exhibition in downtown LA with the boys. It starts with her putting on a diaper and fighting one of the sumos.  She is a good sport. Shawn B. slaps a sumo ass. Love him. Joe is fun (despite his ball hanging out the entire episdode), and I’m REALLY happy he beats JJ. Clint wears a headband. And then throws everyone out of the ring. All in all, a fun date for  everyone but child eyes Tony. He did not attend the exhibition and is very upset that all the dates are a competition to see “who has the biggest dick in the house”. Then he wonders why they can’t just go to the zoo.  He packs his bag,  puts on a 90’s mexican poncho, and quits, all while claiming he’s not a quitter. He marches over to meet with Kaitlyn, hands her a lame daisy, expresses some platitudes and leaves. I could not be happier that he is gone, but I did like that Cali cammo hat he was rocking. Google search came up empty on that.
Awkward group date follows. Clint decides not to pursue Kaitlyn for some reason. Probably not his best move. Shawn opens his heart and makes a smooch move. She also kisses “Cupcake”. Shawn receives the group date rose for “putting himself out there”. Take a hint Clint. Clint thinks that maybe Kaitlyn isn’t the right girl for him. Then calls JJ a sweetheart. Um, what? I’m confused.
Chris Harrison picks the next one-on-one date and sets up Kaitlyn & Ben Z. It’s unclear what the premise of the date is. They have to be locked in a basement and figure out how to get a code to get them out? It’s basically a puzzle fun house with all sorts of horrifying things: snakes, birds, cockroaches, gross toilets. Of course they finish RIGHT ON TIME. It’s lame. I had more faith in my main man Chris. They finish the date by ordering pizza back at her place, which is very normal. They don’t seem too awkward and Ben appears to be genuinely a nice guy, despite noting that he hasn’t cried in 11 years since his Mom died.  She then gives him a rose and they make out in the hot tub.
Group date. K takes the boys to an elementary school and they are substitute teachers. They have to teach sex education and puberty. Joshua, securing his spot in my heart says, “Man, I learned everything sexual when I was a kid by watching our cows.” These kids are obviously actors. Also, what parents let their kids be a part of this? Only in LA. It’s pretty hilarious honestly. Josh has to talk about female puberty. He is the cutest. He calls a tampon “a torpedo” and then gets insanely embarrassed.
Ben H is on this date and he is pretty darn cute too. Where has he been the past few episodes? He did a lovely job explaining reproduction and connecting with Kaitlyn. Also, why can you say vagina on TV but penis is bleeped out? Seems unfair.
At the date night, Joshua shares that he didn’t have his first kiss until college. He’s so darn cute. I like that he hasn’t kissed her yet. It’s respectful! Kaitlyn seems turned off by his inexperience. She then gets some one-on-one time with Ben H who shared that he worked at a youth center and goes to Honduras to volunteer. They smooch and awkwardly slow dance on a roof top to no music, and then he dips her. I hate that shit, but Kaitlyn was into it. That little rat face (Jared) was actually more charming than I thought, but still not sure about him. She says he is “comfortable with his sexuality”. Then they do more slow dancing without music. Please raise your hand if you’ve ever done this, because I have not. Ben gets the group date rose.
Cut to Clint & JJ Bromance. Things I learned:
-They squeeze one another’s back zits in the shower.
-They talk about how much they love turtles
-They talk about how smart they are.
-Clint serenades JJ with his guitar and they make extended eye contact.
Clint talks about how they have grown too close and then says, “The possibility of coming on to the Bachelor and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind. But at this point, I’m a success story”. WHAT?
Cocktail party starts and Clint takes Kaitlyn, apologizes and starts making an effort with K, then lays one on her. Behind the scenes, we hear him say that he is not really interested in K but needs a rose tonight. Then he tells JJ how cute he is and what a nice jawline he has. It is an odd odd odd scene.
JJ then gets really upset because all the boys have told Kaitlyn what nut jobs he and Clint are. Poor girl has to deal with a lot of drama. The show ends with K saying “Clint is about to go down in flames”.
Scenes for next week: Effing Nick comes back. He is such a creeper. When is she going to have sexy time with one of the guys and then have to have a super awkward conversation with the rest of them? I can’t wait!
Other random thoughts:
Joshua and Shawn seem to be the only voice of reason on this show, by the way.
Why is Chris the dentist called Cupcake? Also, he’s gay right?
JJ’s primary color shoulder/arm tat is the worst.